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Dear /adv/, I have some physical/mental problems I won't

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Dear /adv/,

I have some physical/mental problems I won't go into, suffice to say I gave up on real life when I was 16 years old. My dream since then was to live somewhere by myself with my electronics and to not have to go outside very often. However I finished my pre-university education with good grades. After that I became a NEET. Although I did manage to lose my virginity beforehand when I was 18 to this girl from my school I bumped into at a nightclub (on the one occasion I went to a nightclub). She was willing to come home with me I think but I didn't force it. I met up with her a week later at a friends house and fucked her. I told her I was a virgin because she was nervous so I think she thought I would be terrible. But because I was on antidepressants I fucked her literally all night long since I couldn't come. As the morning light came in I put her on her back to do her missionary but she saw one of the problems with my body and said maybe we should stop. I said it was a bit unfair to not finish me off but she didn't want to. So I kissed her goodbye and left to go to school. I think she became a bit attached to me but I didn't realize at the time.

So then it was the NEET life, it was the best. Finally I could just play videogames/browse 4chan/watch porn/anime until I fell asleep and do it all again the next day. I wanted for nothing since I had the money to buy whatever I wanted, and my main interest has always been science/technology it was easy to keep up over the Internet. I also play electric guitar so I became far more skillful with all my practice and could play much more challenging pieces. I taught myself a lot about economics and political science as well. I read a lot of books.

Eventually my parents made me get jobs though, they were just part-time/seasonal roles so I didn't mind too much. But I had a full time job once and that just made me want to die, luckily they let me go for some reason before I could quit.
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Then my parents were pressuring me to go to University, I was planning to apply one year but I didn't really want to. So I quit my part time job and planned to go travelling for 2 months without telling my parents just to get away from everything. They said I could either apply for University or get a job so I applied to University. Then I went away for 2 months at the start of the year, I didn't really do anything but it was nice to be by myself. But I met an older woman who I had some things in common with, we didn't do anything sexual but we made good friends and I planned to come back to her country in the Summer for an event. She was so kind to me. I don't think anyone has ever been so nice to me. I got her a nice present to repay her and she was really thankful. It felt great to make her happy, it made me feel warm inside. I said to myself I didn't care about myself as long as she was happy.

Then I went home and did nothing of substance until Summer rolled around. But I obtained some onaholes which really made mastrurbating a million times better. Also I got a VR headset to watch porn on which was absolutely amazing.

Then I went to her country again, we went out together but this time I kissed her on the lips. She seemed suprised and didn't kiss me back but just held my hands and said that they felt cold. When I said goodbye to her I kissed her a couple more times on the lips. Again she didn't kiss me back but just stood there and let me kiss her while she held my hands. She was smiling at me and I gave her a big hug.

Then a couple of months later she came to my country (seeing me wasn't her primary reason). She had messaged me something that Google translated to "you have one day to creep on me" but it was actually like "there's one day I have free". So I thought she wanted to fool around as well I didn't realize at the time. I just assumed we would have sex.
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My plan was to sleep with her to consummate our relationship and then have her as motivation for university. And then after I graduate go to work in her country and settle down with her. I wanted her to be my stepping stone to the normie life. She had brought me a present. I was seeing her everyday, and the day before she left I invited her over to my house. I didn't think I would see her again for maybe 3 years because she said she didn't plan to come back to my country next year for the same event, so I wanted to show her my feelings for her this time. We were in my kitchen together until around 2AM listening to music and drinking. I was hugging her. Then we went to bed together, we had slept in the same bed last night at her hotel I didn't do anything because there was another guy in the room. But I had hugged her there as well.

My memories are a bit hazy now because this was 4 months ago. She spread herself out in the middle of my bed without taking any clothes off and I took off my jeans and t shirt and got on top of her (since it was the only place I could really go). We looked at each other for a few seconds then I started to kiss her on the lips. She told me to stop, but she said it playfully and I thought she liked me as well so I didn't understand. I was going to stop but after a few seconds she started to kiss me back (or at least she let me tongue kiss her I can't recall). Kissing her felt so good I really couldn't think straight. Then I started to kiss her stomach and lift her t-shirt, she was playfully resisting at first but she took it off without me forcing her. Then I sucked and groped her breasts, she was moaning so I think she was enjoying it. I think I took off my underwear here and I was rock hard. I started to touch around her shorts but she put her foot in my ass to get me on my back I think and started giving me a blowjob. I was surprised she would do something so agressive so I thought she must be really eager.
It felt great but I didn't want to come before I could pleasure her so I got on top of her again and tried to take off her shorts. But she stopped me and said "sorry, red" something like that in her language. So I thought she meant she had her period right, so I said it's ok I have a condom I don't mind but she said "not OK". So I said maybe we could do anal as a joke and she laughed at that.

But I still wanted to take off her shorts so I could do foreplay to her as well since I wanted her to enjoy herself too because I thought we wouldn't meet again for a long time. I didn't want to be a selfish lover. So I wrestled with her a little whilst kissing her and playing with her chest but she didn't want to. She smiled at me and did the thing with her foot to get me on my back and kept blowing me but I got on top of her and wrestled with her some more. I got her shorts a little bit off but she did them up again when she had her hands free so I thought she really didn't want to take them off she wasn't just being playful this time.

So I thought if she didn't want to go any further we should stop so I said "good night" to her turned off the lights and got into bed. Then she said "hmm, good night"? So I thought she wanted to continue, so I started to kiss her again and since she didn't want to take her shorts off I just gently slid my hand down and rubbed her through her panties. She was moaning but I don't think she liked it since she was pawing at my hand. So I stopped and got on top of her again. I thought I could just touch her through her shorts instead but she was holding her legs closed. I thought she was just being bashful so I slipped my hand in between her thighs and started to rub her crotch. She was moaning and twitching so I thought she was enjoying it. I thought we could get off together like this if she didn't want to do anything else so I put my penis between her thighs and started thrusting against her. It felt really good, better than her blowjob.
I was kissing her neck and playing with her breasts as she was moaning. Thrusting against her like we were having sex made me so excited I could have come. I think I was whispering into her ear that I loved her at the same time. Then we stood up for some reason, I can't remember. She got on her knees (or maybe just bent down) and gave me a blowjob again. I could have come like that, but I remember thinking it didn't feel as good as my onaholes, I wanted to have real sex with her so I could find out if that felt better because the only other time I've done it I was on antidepressants so my pleasure was dulled. I picked her up and bent her over my bed and had simulated sex with her again. Whilst kissing her and touching her body. I think I thought if I could get her off maybe she wouldn't mind getting naked at least. But she went to put her t-shirt back on as I was caressing her chest. I was taking it off her as she was putting it on I think, then it was in my hands and I tossed it aside.

Then she stood up and walked out of my room, I called her name but she didn't acknowledge me. At first I thought she was just going to the bathroom but she went downstairs and I realized she was leaving so I ran after her. When she was outside I didn't want to grab her but I wanted to talk to her so I gently held her arm and said her name but she pulled away from me. I asked her to please wait so she turned around and looked at me. I asked her why she was mad in her language and she just said "you don't know"? in English. Then she said "my underwear..." because she'd left it behind. I tried to apologise to her but I couldn't say what I wanted to in her language, I just said I'm sorry I was an idiot we can sleep in separate beds but she just turned around and walked away.

So I ran back to my house and just started crying for hours, I felt like I'd ruined my whole life. I felt like she was the last person in the world who cared about me and I'd pushed her away.
I thought I would never see her again and that just made me want to die. I hadn't formed an emotional bond with another human being since I was a child and a felt like my inability to control my lust had taken it away from me. I realized I'd put all of my happiness into my relationship with her and now she was gone I just felt competely empty. I tried phoning her but she wouldn't pick up, I worried about her safety. She just messaged me once in English to say the give the earrings she'd left to a friend of hers to pass on. I went to sleep about 7 and woke up at 11. I messaged her asking if she could meet before her flight home, saying I wanted to talk and return her things. She said to just throw them away but it was a shame about her earrings. I messaged saying how sorry I was, how I misjudged her and how I wanted to explain and apologise to her. But she said it was fine, she wasn't angry so I didn't need to apologise. But I was completely distraught so I asked her to please let me apologise to her in person. I phoned her and asked where she was so I could come and explain and return her things.

So I met up with her and she really wasn't angry I thought she was just saying that. We were talking in her language again. I told her I wanted to explain but she said it's OK you don't need to. But I did anway, I told her I was sorry I misjudged her. She said it was fine, I asked her if she thought I was a selfish person and she said a little which made me feel awful because that wasn't my intention. We got some food and drink, where I said I would come over to see her again under the pretext of an event at the end of the year I'd talked to her about before. Then I gave her her things back and she thanked me. I asked her if she would still be my girlfriend and she said "since when am I your girlfriend"? and I said maybe since the first time I kissed you? but she laughed and said "hmm, I don't know" so I asked are you my girlfriend? and again she said "I don't know".
Then on the train ride to her hotel I told her I really loved her, she smiled and said "I love you a little". Then I took her to the airport where she held my hand in order to say goodbye but I kissed her on the cheek and embraced her for a while before the lift arrived. She said something to me afterwards but I didn't understand. Then after the lift came and I let go of her she held my hand again as she was turning away. Then I watched her get in the lift and went home. It was hard not to cry on the way home luckily I was wearing sunglasses.

I left her alone for a day then I messaged her saying actually I'd loved her since the first time I saw her. She said she hadn't realized. Then I said but I had betrayed her trust in me, and asked whether she could ever forgive me. She said even though I had already apologised words weren't enough to forgive me with. She'd changed her mind about coming to the event in my country next year and had got a ticket. I told her I had already bought her a ticket in the event that she might change her mind so she playfully chastised me and said I should have asked her first. I told her I had just wanted to do something nice for her because I felt like I was so indebted to her kindness. After that we just talked like normal, it felt like our relationship hadn't changed so I was happy. I thought we were still together. I made sure to chat with her fairly often.

Then I went to university. After the first couple of weeks it had been a month since she left so I messaged her saying I missed her. She replied that she was looking forward to hanging out again and her friends wanted to meet me too. But I misunderstood at first I thought she was saying she wanted to meet her friends as well as a subtle way of saying it couldn't be all about us. Then we just chatted about normal stuff. A few weeks later I wanted to book my flight so I asked what her schedule was like.
She said she was always working except the one day we were meeting and she was going on a trip with her friends so she didn't have time to hang out alone with me. But she was apologetic and seemed a bit frustrated that we couldn't hang out. I asked her if we could spend time together on the evening of the day of the event but she said because she would be so tired she couldn't. I said I wanted to give her a birthday present at least (it was her birthday recently) and she said even just my feelings would be OK.

So I said I understood she's a busy person, but I felt lonely and just really wanted to see her. After that she didn't reply, I left it for a week and said sorry I didn't mean to be a nuisance how are you etc? But she didn't reply to that either. I felt so awful, I just wanted to ask if it was unrequited love so I could stop torturing myself and just try to forget about her. I felt like she was toying with my heart by ignoring me, I couldn't stop crying and I kept dreaming about her. I tried to talk to other girls to get my mind off her but it didn't work I couldn't make an emotional connection with them. So a week later I sent a message saying I understand that you're ignoring me it's OK but please read this. I just want to be friends if you do, I'm sorry for falling in love with you and trying to do sexual things to you but being together was really the happiest time of my life. Then she replied back saying she was really sorry she hadn't had time to check or reply to my messages since she'd had things to do. But she said I was an important friend to her and she was looking forward to seeing me again. I asked her if she could do a video call to chat but she didn't want to she said she's no good at them and it's more difficult with the language barrier. So since then we chat like we normally did. I don't feel so obsessed about her anymore I just want to talk.

I'm writing her a message to show her when I see her again about all of this as an explanation.
I don't know if she ignored me or if she really was busy, she didn't post anything on Facebook like she normally does and she was active much less than usual but she was looking at it. Also I think she might have blocked me because my messages were sent but not being received.

I think she was probably just telling a white lie about being on her period right? Maybe she didn't want me to fall for her so she didn't want to do something as serious as have sex but she was willing to play along with me a little bit.

I just feel so guilty about what I did to her. She was the nicest person in the world to me and I hurt her feelings. I didn't think I was a bad person but maybe I am. I'm crying while I'm writing this. And I feel regretful that I didn't get to have an orgasm with her and now I might never get the chance. I don't know how she wanted me to come. And I feel bad about how cold I've been to my family when they were probably the only people who would have cared if I'd died. But I'm going to make it up to them. My grades at university are good but I have no motivation to be here if I can't be with her so maybe I will drop out before next semester after I've spoken with her. I think also she might be sexually inexperienced, I don't think she's ever had a boyfriend. Maybe she's never had sex that's why she didn't want to take off her shorts, but I didn't even ask her to give me a blowjob so I don't know.

Maybe it was a mistake to try becoming a normie, I don't deal with stress well and real life is full of it. I miss being a NEET but I just feel so affected by this I don't think it would be the same anymore.

I mean I wanted to have real sex with her initially, but if she couldn't because of her period I wanted to be able to pleasure her with foreplay as well so we could enjoy it mutually.
Nigga what's the purpose of this creepy wall of beta? Most people won't even read all of this because it's exhausting and feels like it wouldn't help anybody. You didn't even write what you need advice for. First I thought you wanted advice how to stop being a NEET, then I expected some pr0n bait story and waited for the dinosaur to finally walk, but instead it turned completely awkward.
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Nigga stop
there's this giant wall of text blocking out the view of whatever the fuck it is you want from us

I just needed to get it off my chest. I don't understand her, I thought someone might be able to make sense of her for me.

I think I just need to establish whether it's ever going to be possible to have a relationship with her and if not drop out of university.

I've been thinking about seeing a prostitute to come inside of just to get it off my mind but I wanted to it be with someone I like. I wanted it to be with her. Maybe if I'd just let her give me a blowjob with her shorts on this time she would have been OK with sex next year. But I didn't know she would come next year so I thought this was my one chance with her.
Sorry Op, I dont want to read this. Make a tldr
My eyes are bleeding. pls stop.
Wow, just let it all out, anon.
Whats the problem she saw with your body
I started out genuinely fascinated and then just stopped reading.
>Op please calm down with the paragraphs.
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