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My boyfriend's job has taken over his life. He is so stressed

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My boyfriend's job has taken over his life.
He is so stressed and refuses to leave the job for something else, despite him being so unhappy and stressed all the time.
>All of his social activities are only done with co-workers.
He sleeps early on Friday nights because he is so exhausted, I am alone yet again on a Friday night while everyone else are with their partners.
>The only time he is not asleep by 10pm on a Friday is if he is with co-workers.
>He misses real life appointments because he doesn't set the alarm for anything other than work.
>We haven't had sex in months because he has simply just been too tired and depressed/pressured.
I told him how I feel .He got very upset and said he would work on it.

We have 1 day before I leave to see my family for Christmas & he would rather go to his work's Christmas party than spend it with me because "it's rude not to go"
This company has over 500 employees and no one would notice apart from his small office, if they notice at all. I just said okay, but since it's our only real day together before I leave, I would like to come along and I could tell he seemed a bit uneasy about it but said yes.
I don't know what to do /adv/ He needs to keep a job, but this job in particular is sucking the life out of him. This company is run by a team of vampires who over-work their employees and set it up in a way where their life is revolved around the work.
We are on very thin ice because of it.
He doesn't want to break up, I don't want to either but I feel like a background noise in his life. There is no balance and he is always angry with those who love him, so any concerns or issues I do have are met with hostility, even if it's a casual textual chat ("how was your day? xx") he gets very annoyed and tells me to stop texting him and talk to him face to face, when I see him face to face, he falls asleep because he is so tired.

Help.
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It sounds like you should break up if he is not willing to make an effort for you.
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Leave.
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>>16532614
>>16532615
Apart from leaving him, is there anything else I can do to help this situation?

I don't want to sound like or be a nagging bitch but I feel so neglected too.
For example, and yes I realize this is so petty but, I will try to look really pretty for him, do my hair and makeup and he just looks through me and falls asleep. It hurts like hell.
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>>16532640
You can't help him he needs to help himself and you will keep fighting an endless fight
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>>16532589
Do you work or is he supporting you? working = 38 hours min a week, if he's supporting you, you're to blame for this.

I'm blunt but I see this too often as a workplace therapist.
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>>16532589
He might be tired of you -- saying he'd rather talk face to face rather than what would (I'm assuming) normally be fun, light text conversations or when he goes straight to sleep after he gets home. These are all signs he has lost the romantic interest but does not want to lose the security of a relationship. He's hunkering down into what would now be the most stable part of a relationship and all its dullness while you are still hoping for some excitement and some attention. He let his work consume him -- don't think otherwise. If he did have a sliver of caring left in him he would have limited his hours while still maintaining enough to live, and thus given more time with you to spend
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>>16532716
He is not supporting me at all. In fact even though I study and work part time, I pay for a lot of our dates and buy him things. He never really buys me anything and I don't expect it either.

>>16532734
This is exactly what I thought was happening. He denies it all and gets very very offended and upset when I say these things to him. How can he not recognize his behavior is beyond me.

What can I do with a guy who won't acknowledge these things either?
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OP here, I am hoping someone can put themselves in his position and just help me with this too. Some kind of insight on what I can do to help would be great.

I could help by just remaining in the background and just wait on him but that is shitty.
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HE'S FUCKING WORKING HIS ASS OFF TO MAKE A GOOD LIFE FOR YOU TWO AND YOUR CHILDREN YOU SELFISH IDIOTIC FUCKING CUNT NUGGET. WORDS CAN'T EXPRESS HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU ARE, PLEASE KILL YOURSELF SO HE CAN FIND A WOMAN WORTH HIS FUCKING TIME.
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>>16532843
Um. We don't have children and no he isn't. He spends all of his money on himself. He doesn't like planning a future so there are no future plans apart from "go to work on Monday" And "How many hours sleep can I get before I go to work on Monday"
I have more savings than him even though I work part time because I have plans and stuff.

Sorry but your assumptions are wrong.
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>>16532589
You just want validation to leave him. It sounds like he's making a serious effort to climb the ladder in his company, and all you're doing is shitting on his efforts because you don't get as much attention.
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>>16532847
what does he spend his money on? how much does he earn?
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>>16532849
If that was the case, I would be supportive but he clearly has stated he has no intention of climbing the ladder or even staying at that company. He hates it yet his actions say otherwise.

Having said this, I am supportive but there is a problem: There is no balance. He can't expect to be in a relationship yet have his work consume his life and only come to me or remember me when he is bored. I make time for him, I just expect the same I guess.

Are you trying to shame me for wanting my boyfriend to give me attention? ....
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pft. If you're this miffed about him not having time for you, then break up with him. Good god woman.
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>>16532856
He earns a decent amount and spends it on bills and important things but he also lives an over luxurious lifestyle for what he earns. He will often pay for co-workers coffees, lunches, drinks etc He will go to restaurants instead of cook or make his own lunch, then...if & when we go out, he has no money and I am left to pay. Which is fine but annoying.
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>>16532859

Are you sure he's actually spending all this time at work as you say he is?

> I am hoping someone can put themselves in his position
I get the same way when I'm stressed or over loaded. You just want everything to fuck off so you have space, and unfortunately that means partners and family as well.
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>>16532859
Ok. Well, essentially you're faulting him for working his ass off. Have you ever worked full time? It's not easy, even if you're half-assing everything you're doing. If he's really working as hard as you say he is, I can totally understand why he doesn't have the energy to do everything you want him to do.

You should try to be more understanding and supportive, but I know you won't.
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>>16532871
>Are you sure he's actually spending all this time at work as you say he is?

Yes I know he is not lying about being at work. A girl I know works with him and he is a hard worker, there is no one at work he is being inappropriate with so no weirdness there.

>You just want everything to fuck off so you have space, and unfortunately that means partners and family as well.

Yes I think he is the same.
Do you have a girlfriend?
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>>16532871

To add to that, when forced to choose where to put your limited energy, money is more important than love. Love doesn't fill a stomach or pay for a roof over your head.
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looks like he works alot and when he's not working he is tired

i think you are pressuring him to spend time with you, and in turn that's making him even more stressed and less willing to spend time with you

so in my opinion backing off for a while and supporting him or just letting him deal with his own problems might help
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>>16532878

Yeah, you sound just like her desu.
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>>16532875
>Have you ever worked full time?

Yes I have. I have worked longer hours than him and before I decided to go part time, I was supporting him while he looked for a job. But even then, I still made time for him.

>>16532875
>You should try to be more understanding and supportive, but I know you won't.

It's really hard to be understanding and supportive in this situation because with what little time we do have, he sleeps or is out with workers.
But even then, I am trying.
The relationship is now crumbling because of it, so I want to know how I can help turn this around.

Will space work?
I don't contact him now unless he contacts me but it just makes me want to break up with him even more.
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>>16532822
You live together but you aren't paying rent or groceries? "buying him stuff" means nothing I'm assuming you two are mature and looking at the future, do you ever want to own a home or are you happy to rent/live with parents?

Do you have a joint account? Part time, how much average per week and what currency?

Have you considered that the job he has right now is as good as it's going to get for him so he's putting in the hours to climb the ladder? It can be hard to think about the future like that for people who have never worked full time, 38 hours+ because you're still in your "study phase", to put it bluntly, you're still young and ignorant.
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>>16532886

If she wanted to end the relationship so you can focus on your life and she can move on with hers, would you be ok with this?
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I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum. He was working 14-15hr days (additional hours unpaid, since he is salaried). I oferred him a solution that would be middle ground for what we both wanted, and firmly said that if he didn't take it I would leave him. I was serious about leaving him, though. This was after a big fight we had over him promising to spend a Saturday with me , but since he was working (also unpaid!) he arrived 5 hours later than the planned time.

Be firm and be willing to leave if he doesn't get his shit together. A relationship takes time.
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>>16532891
No. I didn't say we were living together.

No joint account.

I support myself.
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>>16532868
maybe try having a few nights in where you each cook a truly luxurious meal for each other and watch movies or something. that way, not only will you have very romantic dates, you will also have a lot of leftovers for lunches and spare ingredients for solo cooking. myself, if I had a gf, would want to do stuff like that a lot (though I would be doing most of the cooking)
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>>16532896
>If he doesnt get his shit together.
Because working shifts to support your family isn't getting your shit together.

Jesus christ you're ignorant, go date a drug dealer if you're that much of a clingy bitch.
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>>16532893

Fuck no, nothing pisses me off more than running away cause of a little challenge. How long has this seemed to be going on anyway.
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>>16532898
I suggested this but even then, by 10pm, he is snoring. It kind of defeats the purpose of the night.

>we spend a few hours cooking, eating, talking
>good times
>washing up dishes
>look over and he is snoring
>wake him up with a coffee
>talking laughing etc
>we sit down to watch a movie
>look over and he is snoring again
>pick up belongings and go home


He is so so tired. I feel bad for him but then I get pissy when this happens over and over.
Like I said, it has been months since we were last sexy...
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>>16532903
>How long has this seemed to be going on anyway.
About a year and a half but it became a problem in the last 8 months.
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>>16532896

I don't think that giving ultimatuns is how you are going to build or be healthy to a relationship. It's an act out of selfishness rather than trying to solve things that works best for everybody.

If you want to dump people ultimatuns are amazing, but it's not going to help your current relationship.
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>>16532899
You can work to support a family without devoting your entire life to a job. 15hr days are not normal, nor is spending that much time away from your spouse/children (if that were applicable in my case). Haven't you ever learned that succesful relationships (be it with your spouse or children) requires spending time together?

You seem a little mad anon. Seems more like a personal problem, did your wife leave your or something?
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>>16532910
Not necessarily, because you also offer plausible solutions and work together for something that works for both parties. The ultimatum is more for "if nothing changes, I'm out." It shows that you're serious and not a fucking doormat who's time is free to waste.
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>>16532911
Not when your wife doesn't work.

I'm 21, gay (with a loving partner) and a workplace therapist/consultant, I'm extremely empathetic to the guys I help and the major trend is that their wives (who in almost every case don't work) leaves them and then milks them for child support because they were working too many hours.

I see you're making personal attacks, did my insult hit close to home anon?
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>>16532927
OP here. I think he/she is stating that this is not applicable to my situation or hers.
I know you have an empathetic vote for the males here but what about situations where there are no children and the spouse is seeking personal time with the partner?

Forget the wife/children situation because it does not apply here.
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>>16532909

Shit, can't say that you haven't been patient. From what you've been saying it does sound like he cares. It's obvious this isn't going to change unless it's laid out bluntly for him.

I'd try make the best out of the time you have left, go on your christmas break. You both will have time apart and time to relax etc. When you come back, organise a time to go out. Sit him down and lay it out straight, don't tell him you need to talk, just say it out of the blue. Tell him his job is killing him, and the relationship. Give him your reasons, let him give his.

Assuming that he has a christmas/new year break which would help clear his mind and give him some space.
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>>16532937
Ahh thank you. This feels like the very right thing to do Anon.
I will do this after Christmas and see where it goes.
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>>16532935
>I know you have an empathetic vote for the males here but what about situations where there are no children and the spouse is seeking personal time with the partner?

And again, you're earning how much while having a joint mortgage? You have a shared savings account but he puts 80% in?

I don't care what she was trying to say I obviously hit close to him.

OP just listen, do what you want but don't be a complete bitch and try and steal his house/money, he's trying to climb the company ladder, this is how the real world works, work 14 hour days now and end up earning the same amount working 6-8 10 years later, one day you will understand that (unless feminists take control of the unions).
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>>16532937
>From what you've been saying it does sound like he cares

And just to add. Yes he does care, I don't disbelieve him when he tells me he cares or that he loves me. I just miss him and want his head-space to be more around his life rather than work.

Thank you again!
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>>16532942

Yeah no problem, just remember that you both need to meet half way. You need to tell him this, and how you've been trying. It's up to him to decide what happens after that.

Also don't forget to tell him you love him.
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>>16532927
Not really, since this is not really representative of the issue we had (which we talked through and solved), considering that I also work full time, just a standard 40ish hour work week. That being said, your anger still stems from a personal issue - all the men you see.

Honestly I can understand where these men come from, but it's important to establish boundaries between work life and home because otherwise you will be left without one. Like I said, if you want succesful relationships you need to be a PART of them. Try to put yourself in this girl's shoes; she can't even text her bf without pissing him off, doesn't have sex with him, etc. Does this seem healthy to you? Is this what you would want in a relationship?
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>>16532945
Excuse me? Did you read? I don't have any financial obligations with my boyfriend. Why are you not reading properly?

We have no finances together, at all. Nothing.
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>>16532950
>she can't even text her bf without pissing him off, doesn't have sex with him, etc


This is so true. If I initiate sexy times while he is tired, he gets pissed off. It's a horrible feeling.

I am always waiting on him for everything.
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Just break up with him if you're this fucking insecure.
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>>16532950
You told me you work part time, you're a liar.

You're assuming I'm angry because of my typing style, completely wrong.

No I won't, don't try and educate me when you've never been in the real world, unless you start dating guys in there late 30s you're going to run into this problem quite a bit.

>Try to put yourself in this girl's shoes; she can't even text her bf without pissing him off,
So you think it's ok to text at work? More proof you have NO IDEA how the real world works, sorry sweet heart but sexism in the workplace is huge, men are expected to be men, woman in my country aren't legally allowed to lift more than 15kg alone, I hope when you mature you think back on this, and the guys life who you destroyed by cutting back his hours and allowing him to stagenate in the workplace so another, more commited guy was able to snatch that management position from underneath him and feel really bad, but in truth, I already know you wouldn't care.
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>>16532967
You are confusing op with the other femanon desu
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>>16532950
You said earlier you work part-time? wth? are you just trying to get attention?
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>>16532972
>>16532971

I think there's 2 different convo's going on in here guys.
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>>16532971
Incorrect. Try following the conversation.

If it was the other fem, she's just attention seeking as my reply was directed at OPs response.

Either way, these girls have NO CLUE how the real world works, texting at work, good way to lose a job quickly.
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>>16532978

Dude go re-read it, another anon hijacked it.
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>>16532978
Agreed, this is kind of sad actually. This guy is just trying to make a good salary so he can have a good life, and his girlfriend can't even look past that and see it's just a short-term thing. whatever, she can marry a complete slob drug addicted douchebag for all i care, that's what she deserves
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>>16532988
Doesn't matter man it fits.
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>>16532989
There aren't any good women around. There's good men apparently, but a good woman is hard (if not impossible) to come by
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>>16532989

Busting your ass and killing yourself 15 hours a day doesn't get u promoted to CEO these days anymore.
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>>16532995
I've noticed huge amount of the guys I do sessions with between the ages of 17-25 feel this way, most say they aren't looking for anything serious until they have their careers figured out and honestly I suggest everyone do the same, not only for your professional benefit but so you can mature and although it sounds cliche, find yourself and find what you really want in a woman.
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>>16532991
Bro why so mad? Op is not in the wrong this time.
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>>16533004
Another person who knows nothing. We're talking about management here kiddo, you don't become a CEO with cash and you don't get a management position without real floor experience, in any job.
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>>16533022
Why are you making an ass of yourself?
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>>16533028
Ops bf said he doesn't want to be promoted and he hates it tho

it's easy to bust her ass about it but read b4 you assume too much
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>>16533036
Who said anything about promotion?

Ever heard of a CV? A resume? Work references?

Come on people, It sounds like you're all uni students, if you haven't been working over 38 hours a week, aka worked in the real world don't chime in with your non sense.
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>>16533045
Dude sorry not be a dick but you sound hysterical and too emotional.
Bro doesn't want to climb ladder
Bro hates job
Bro stressing gf stressing he's not 1 of your victims in therapy man. I still say op is not being a bitch. He is not making time or effort for his girlfriend.
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>>16533051
You're saying I sound hysterical and too emotional while displaying illiteracy, rich.
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>>16533058
Fags will fag.
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>>16533060
>mad
Thread posts: 66
Thread images: 4


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