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My head is fucked /adv/. And i dont know what to do. Its 01:30,

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My head is fucked /adv/. And i dont know what to do.

Its 01:30, i have work at 6. My mind is full of shit, its stopping me from sleeping and its ruining my life. For 9 months ive been like this, and it isnt getting any better. Its gotten to the point where offing myself has become very attractive.

9 months ago, the girl who i was planning to spend my life with snapped, broke up with me and moved 200 miles away.
We were together almost 3 years, and without going into detail, it was as close to a perfect relationship as could be.
The reason for the breakup is a long, drawn out story that even i dont understand the majority of. So i wont go into that.

Back to the point, since the breakup my life has just nosedived, I lost my dream job, had to move back to my parents, my £20k savings have been wasted on shit...

I still love her, i would do anything for another chance with her, and... Technically, its still possible. But whether its a good idea or not is debateable. We are still in contact, she knows how I feel, and i know her enough to know she feels the same way about me.
There is just that much negative history over the last 9 months that we both are scared of going back. We both see it as a lost cause although we both still want it...

Another problem, we have both very recently gotten into relationships. Now, i have no idea how happy she is with this new guy (although the thought of her sleeping with someone else repulses me, even though ive done it too) but... At the minute, i am not happy with mine.

I cant help but compare this relationship with my last. Nothing even comes close to how it was... And its pulling me to pieces. I cant cope and dont know what to do.

I mean, realistically. Ive hit the jackpot. qt3.14 loli stoner chick who actually has her shit sorted and has a good life, and she is great in all regards. Its just... Great isnt as good as perfect.
Couple points:

>looking back on relationship in skewered view; relationship probably wasn't as good as you're making it out to be. You're just not used to being alone after 2 years of relationship.
>you didn't ask for advice on anything.

Time ends up fixing this stuff. Since you got so used to a relationship and company as soon as you were lone you turned into a mushy pile of autism. Take a step back and actually look at your relationship with the previous girl and determine how good the relationship actually was.

>pls no self-pity or 'she is the one' replies.
I've had enough time to think about this stuff already. I can say with 100% that we were both happy for the majority of the relationship. Her life improved drastically after meeting me (i did a hell of lot for her). And the only time we wernt happy was during the breakup, which took about 2 weeks.
I stand by what i said, it was as close to perfection as it could be.

Im not looking for pity, i simply came here to ask what in the hell i should be doing with the cards i have in my hand.
Moving on then, obviously.

From the looks of it she sounds high maintenance.
>I did a hell of a lot for her

Sounds like she used you for a month then moved on. She was content with you looking after her and being an keeping her happy while you enjoyed her company. Probably just felt guilt at the end of the relationship and decided to end it. Don't assume she enjoyed the relationship as much as you just because of the smile on her face.

>what in the hell i should be doing
Not gonna disagree, she was a little high maintenence.

But you are wrong about the rest, i understand where you are coming from. But I just know it wasnt that. I honestly wish i could tell you the full story so you have a better grasp on it.

>move on.
I wish it was that easy mate. Ive tried everything. Good and bad. New jobs, new hobbies, new girls... Even bad stuff, drugs, self harm. Nothing gets her out of my head.
Im a little more stable now I have another girlfreind, but at the same time, it hurts more knowing it will never be the same. And i really dont want this to carry on, she doesnt deserve to be with someone who doesnt love her back, i know she does and itll fucking destroy her if i leave her now...
Then all I can say is give it time and self-reflection. If it's chewing you up that badly go to a shrink and talk about it. Only so much 3rd rate advice can be given here.
Theres 2 options i have:

I tell my current gf everything, which will inevitably end in a breakup. And put 100% of my time and effort into getting my ex back, which comes with a (realistically very high) risk of it not working out and leaving me with literally nothing.

Or, I bottle up all these feelings, keeping them hidden from my gf. And work on the relationship i have now... Meaning do my best to mold it (and her) to be as close to my last relationship as possible.
Its a fucking shallow, selfish, manipulative and immoral thing to do to her, but its the only thing that will get me close to how happy i was. This option comes with an estimated 40% of suicide too... Trying to choose which part of me to side with on this is driving me insane. I dont want any of this.
Or your 3rd option where you talk to a shrink about it. I'd recommend doing that if it's weighing on you as heavily as you're saying.
Yeah, there is that too, i had a bit of a moment there, forgot about what you said.

Guess it would be a good idea. Problem is with that... I dont have enough money for one, and im not too sure is the NHS provides a service like that for free. Doesnt help that i get crippling anxiety when doctors are involved with anything too... I havnt been for years because of it.
Bump. Other anon's advice would be appreciated now that thread is fleshed out a bit.
see if you can get your family to help you out with the money
Ive spoke to my parents, they are massively old fashioned and dont think i need any sort of professional help, pills or therapy. They will not help me out with this.
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