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Am I a bad person? I am constantly afraid that deep down inside

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Am I a bad person?

I am constantly afraid that deep down inside I am a bad person.

I have so many gut reactions and feelings and emotions that I know I shouldn't have and they always make me feel like I am terrible.

For example, I get extremely jealous when my girlfriend talks to other guys and shows any sort of fondness of them
I'm get jealous of friends who I feel are better than me and feel angry about it
I get insecure about stupid shit like my girlfriend wanting a tattoo or that she wants to be a plumber and it makes me feel insecure because I have no hands on skills.
I'm sometimes controlling without realizing I'm being controlling
I'm judgmental of other people and cyncial of everything.
I'm argumentative and hold grudges.

That all said, I'm aware of all of these things, I don't try to feel them its just what happens. And Whenever I feel these ways I hate myself for feeling like that. I never EVER let myself act on these feelings though. I always act in the way I know I should. I support my friends and my GF and bite my tongue when I feel jealous or grudges. I try my fucking hardest to live as what I see a good person. I'm just afraid to my very core that deep down im this sack of shit. Everyone else seems to naturally just non judgmental and easy going where as I have these bitter feelings rotting inside of me.

My therapist says that its not about how we feel its how we act and the fact that I'm aware and I don't let my feelings control me is proof that I am a good person and that if I work on it I won't feel that way anymore. Its just, how do you stop feelings that happen like reflex? That pop into your head even before thoughts form?
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Eh, you aren't alone. Lots of people are constantly plagued by shitty thoughts and feelings. Your therapist is right though, actions are more important. It probably wouldn't hurt to find a partner you can share your thoughts and feelings with in a rational way. Jealously isn't as bad when you're honest and straight forward about it instead of hiding it away and hurting others in order to make them afraid to have independence.
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>>16501378
>For example, I get extremely jealous when my girlfriend talks to other guys and shows any sort of fondness of them

insecure

>I'm get jealous of friends who I feel are better than me and feel angry about it

insecure

>I'm sometimes controlling without realizing I'm being controlling

normal

>I'm judgmental of other people and cyncial of everything.

assholeish

>I'm argumentative and hold grudges.

insecure

from what i can tell op, you're not a bad person, you're bad at being a person, and very insecure.
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>>16501392
I share with her I'd say about 50% of the time, or whenever I've managed to work through my feelings on something. She's always been fantastic and supportive and thinks I beat myself up way to much over everything and that I've always been fantastic to her.

I just don't bring it up all the time because I'm afraid of bogging our relationship down with constantly telling her how fucked up I feel about certain things, or how insecure things make me, I'm also afraid she will see me as being a control freak or a bitter jealous person sometimes. She never does.

>>16501397
Well yes I could tell you that. But how do I become secure? I've been fucking trying for years and nothing seems to work. I started lifting years ago and god fit, I found decent work, I got an amazing girlfriend who loves me and wants to move in with me, I have fantastic friends.

And yet there's this deep dark insecurity that I just can not shake.
>>
You need to find an internal source of self-esteem. Stop comparing yourself to others, turn on empathy, don't put yourself down. Control your mind, don't let it control you.
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>>16501403
>>16501397
My therapist says I need to learn to love myself, and that I have this rooted idea that I'm not good enough. Which is why I make constant comparisons with myself to everything around me. She's given me tons of CBT stuff. But I mean like I said its all so reflexive, these thoughts happen before I blink. I don't know how to de-program this stuff. I want to love myself, I want to feel happy and content and not be afraid all the time, not bitter or angry or jealous. I know logically I shouldn't, logically I have a fantastic life with nothing to be afraid of, that I shouldn't feel insecure. But its there and its holding on tight.

>>16501408
I don't know how to do any of that. I'm trying though I really am. The problem is whenever I feel like I'm trying to be positive about anything there's this little voice telling me I'm lying to myself and I try to shut it up or ignore it, but the more I do that, the more it feels right, because the more you fight it, the more it feels like its right, if the positiviy were right, it wouldnt feel so wrong. I don't know what internal source can give me that self esteem.
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Everyone feels like they could kill a person every so often, but acting on it is what would make that person a bad person.

Just don't worry about it too much and try not to be a dick.
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Being weak is not the same as being bad.

And you can build strength over weakness
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>>16501420
Your therapist is right.
The little ugly voice is your mind and its ways of thinking are crooked. But it's just a tool that you can repair. It takes lots of effort, active working towards change. It's not you who is bad - it's the pattern your mind got used to through the years. You need to work out new patterns. Take small steps and don't expect a change overnight. Try affirmations, meditation, observe your thoughts carefully. And if an ugly thought shows up, beautify it.
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>>16501453
Thank you, I really appreciate anything you can give. I mean, it feels like I'm fighting with my own brain and that I'm insane sometimes.

Like my GF told me she wants to get a tattoo, she's an artist and designed it herself and it means a lot to her and all this stuff and I know to her its just art, art you wear and not a big deal.

Well I don't like tattoos. I don't even know why, I just don't. And the thought of her getting one just made me upset and uncomfortable and I didn't want her to get it. Like it was REALLY REALLY bothering me. I thought about having to look at it, how it would be there when she was naked. I think I was partially afraid because it was this idea that she really wanted something that I didn't like some kinda distance growing between us I don't know.

But then like the rational half of my brain is like "DUDE WHAT THE FUCK?" its her body, her life, why does it matter, what will it change? Honestly nothing will be ANY different. And besides I love her for who she is and want her to be herself and not just adhere to some image of what I want inside my head. I want a partner not a slave.

But despite feeling that. The original feels are still here. I still get upset thinking about it, it still makes me feel afraid, upset, just uncomfortable. And it makes me mad at myself for that. I just want to be able to be free, non judgmental, happy.

thing and everything. I just want to learn to be able to be happy with the wonderful life I know I have and appreciate the wonderful people in it.
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>>16501453
You talk about beautifying thoughts, which is an issue with me. Because when a thought occurs and you beautify it after the fact that rings false to me. I think I relate it to when I was a teenager. I was fat, well chubby. But I kept telling myself I was fine, it was no big deal, i looked good, personality mattered more. Then one day I finally realized I was just making up little lies to feel better and I had to fix my shit. That's what beautify a thought feels like to me.

But I'll keep trying, I'll do anything and everything. I just want to learn to be able to be happy with the wonderful life I know I have and appreciate the wonderful people in it.

(oops, tried to cut the post in half, small fraction ended up on the first one, sorry)
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>>16501487
About this tattoo problem, I had a bf who said he wouldn't date me if I did that navel piercing I wanted in high school. I respected that because I loved him, but felt bad because I resigned from my dream. These are compromises you just have to deal with. Maybe your lack of acceptance for her tattoo has something to do with your lack of self acceptance. Take it as a challenge to fix your thinking about yourself.
>>16501493
It certainly rings false since you're used to the old way of thinking. I'm not talking about lying to yourself, there are things though that can't be distinguished whether they are false or true. Like being a worthy person. If you want to change, you can't allow your mind to trick you into being a bad person because that stops you from improving. You need to be good to yourself and be able to tell what keeps you improving and what doesn't. Sorry to say there is no short way and everyone has to find their way themselves (I'm on my own now too). Hope that makes some sense.
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>>16501612
It helps. Just hearing more perspectives on all of this helps. It's really hard to know what to do or even how to try and accomplish it. But hearing from other people helps me grasp the concepts a bit more.

I still am unsure how to deal with more concrete fears though. I'm balding and its something that has been bothering me for a long time. I feel that I will be ugly without my hair and that my girlfriend will stop finding me attractive. She says that would never happen and that she loves me for me, not hair, but I mean you don't know until it does, you can't help attraction and can't have a relationship without it.

I don't know how to not let fears like that affect me. To me that feels so real, its not a thing that can't be distinguished, its a possible reality. I know there's nothing I can do and worrying won't fix it. But it gets in there and makes me afraid I'll lose her. Which makes me insecure, which feeds everything.
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>>16501487
Naw mang, tattoos are kind of low class. Even if you love someone, it doesn't mean you want to love someone that you also associate with a certain kind of classlessness. That kind of cognitive dissonance isn't uncommon.
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>>16501658
Its a small tattoo of simple design on her arm, not a upside down cross on her chest. And two I don't really give a fuck about her class. She is who she is and I like who she is. If her class bothered me I wouldn't be with her. A picture on her arm doesn't change who she is or how she acts, and it has no bearing on her choice of job which will make adequate money. I'm not really worried how other people see her or if they think she's low class either as they aren't the ones dating her.

See, thats my logical brain. Doesn't mean when I think about it tomorrow I won't still get that weird anxious pang of emotion.
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