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I have failed.

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I will be as brief as possible. I am a biracial person in the US and with Affirmative Action it is insanely easy to get into great schools. Even with these privileges I have failed everyone from my past who said I had potential. When I was sixteen I made the fatal discovery that life was meaningless and that my government was linked to inexplicable horrors, such events proved shocking to me because our public schools feed us a shallow narrative that paints us in a much better light. I began to focus on learning as much political history as I could. I did this wrong, of course, and decided to keep above a 3.0 GPA just so that people would listen to my opinions. I felt that in a society so shallow, all I would have to do is maintain this and I could preach my simplistic understanding of world policy and economics. This was the first of many mistakes in my life. I could have easily gone to any school I wanted with AA. If I would have simply try and keep my GPA at a 3.8 or above I could have gone to a good college. Of course, I bullshitted and never studied for exams. I graduated high school with a 3.4 and enrolled in community college. The only amazing thing about my SAT and ACT scores were that I got a 34 on Reading (which is nothing, do people really struggle with reading comprehension?) and that I didn't study for either and my SAT score was around a 1300 -- absolutely devastating to my sense of pride.
I dicked around in community college for three years battling depression. Now at 21, I'm clean and at a third rate university. I still struggle with self-doubt and procrastination but generally get good grades. I wanted to be a teacher but common core dissuaded me; I wanted to be a journalist but realized I don't want to serve a perpetual propaganda machine; I wanted to be a musician but realized that I would go back to doing drugs. Finally, I realized it'd be cheaper to go abroad and study but then the attacks happened in Paris.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1c6OoOHXz0k
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try to do nothing for a while. do not dick around just calm.
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I realized that my incredibly shitty college GPA of 3.2 won't do anything for me anywhere. I feel stuck. Lately I've been forcing myself to learn French and Esperanto; forcing myself to get up at 5-6am every morning. I've been reading philosophy and that's been a healing process for me but I've been doubting myself the entire time. I no longer feel like I'm intelligent. I feel like a moron. I'm finally saving money at my shitty job but I just spent all of it to pay back the shitty UNI I'm going to. I still owe them money. I feel like my dreams of going abroad are over -- and I've dreamed of exploring England or France since I was 14. I feel like I've been spoiled in life and have nothing to show for it (I consider growing up in a first world country to be the best one could hope for in this world). I might have to just stay at my current Uni and amass debt in this state I don't like. I feel so trapped and so alone. I don't make friends easily and I do not mesh well with most women. I've thought about buying farmland and running into the country never to be seen again, because when I look at what I was and what I am now my failure becomes self-evident. All of my life I wanted to be a writer or an artist: something that would help society or give lonely people support or advance culture; and I just don't think I can do it. My life is a testament to my laziness.
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>>16500090
I don't know if I can. If I don't read philosophy or practice a language or practice math -- which I started because I felt like I let those skills devolve -- I feel guilty. I can barely sleep. I live at home with my parents like a loser. I was the first person in my family where teachers asked to move me ahead twice -- my mom didn't allow it for some odd fucking reason -- and I have failed everyone, especially myself.
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My basic question for this dilemma is: what can I possibly do to forgive myself? Is it too late?
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>>16500119

You have no real problems. The only reason you're beating yourself up is because you have never struggled in your life and you failed at the simple path laid in front of you.

You can either get your quit being an edgemaster and shit together or you can go be homeless... or I guess you will be living with your parents until they die since it sounds like you have a constant parachute, which is probably your biggest problem - you were never taught to be an adult.
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>>16500128
You're right. I'm beating myself up when I should be working even harder. I'll admit I was never taught to be adult, my mother attempted to shield me from everything. The only thing I can do is work. Thank you.
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>>16500178

I just hope you learn from your failures.

I grew up in an upper-middle class area and I have known a lot of kids like you. They just bounce around doing nothing - culinary school, medical assistant, bartending license... I am 31 now and I still know people I went to high school who live in a rented house with like six room mates still mad at the world for not giving them what they feel like they deserve.
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I think you may be worrying just a tad too much.
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>>16500193
I think I have. I've never felt like this before and I don't think I'm mad at the world. I'm mad at myself for not trying. I think I've never actually looked at how easy it could have been in my past until this last month or so. I'm infuriated by the fact that my ego got in the way of common sense.
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>>16500207
This is the first time I have ever felt ambitious and I hate how my past self didn't care. I could have been on my way but I was a stupid kid. I probably still am.
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>>16500217
You can still do great things friend. It's never too late. Or you can not do great things. The universe will still be intact. What would make you happy?
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Wow, are you me? I'm 21, black(AA), want to be a journalist, generally smart but fucked around and went to a community college(which I dropped out of and only returned to this semester). I had it easy. If I'm being serious I could've probably been graduating this semester. Now I'm staring at a few more years.

Don't beat yourself up. We can't change the past, it fucking sucks but we can't. We can only try to make a better future for ourselves.

You can always forgive yourself. I could post that shit about Michael Jordan and all the game winning shots he missed, but look. We all fail. But don't blow it out of proportion. You're not a failure. You're still in school. What's a "third rate" university anyway?(Seriously, what's your school?)
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>>16500228
I don't know. I wish I could tell you.
>>16500247
When I was younger I dreamed of going to Stanford. I currently go to UCF.
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>>16500211

>I'm infuriated by the fact that my ego got in the way of common sense.

This and practically everything else in your OP was stuff I had to overcome as well. I got A's without studying all the way until 12th grade when I took some AP classes. I treated them like all my old classes, played it off like I didn't care when I got Cs and Ds, wasted my parents money by not passing the AP tests for college credit, graduated high school with like a 3.1 and got thrown into the same pool of students who got 2.x for public universities.

It took a long time for me to get over my own ego and realize that I actually had to try in order to succeed at everything other than babby-tier academics. It is actually a little anxiety-inducing to be talking to a kid who is about to go down the same fucked up path I did.
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>>16500252
Well there you go. You don't know what would make you happy? Find it.
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>>16500252
Dude, what the fuck? UCF isn't "third rate" at all. In fact, I was JUST on their admissions site yesterday because this girl I know wants me to move down there. You're much too hard on yourself. Honestly, you have a LONG way to go down the chain of schools before you hit a truly shitty institution. And honestly, you should rate a school by what it can do for YOU. Is UCF the same name as Stanford? No. But 99% of employers don't care. The other 1% will be Stanford alumni and ballbuster jobs that you should've been streamlined into. It truly doesn't matter because tons of the most successful people you know went to random ass schools.
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>>16500252

I know this feel. Caltech was a lock for me until I became a retarded edgelord my senior year of high school.

>>16500277

People go to prestigious school to take advantage of alumni associations, not for the piece of paper with the school's name on it...
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>>16500277
I'm just realizing this. I actually did try during my AP Stat class but in an act of "punk rock rebellion" I sent the AP test scores to some random school in Colorado. (Holy shit I was faggot.)
>>16500270
I suppose you're right. I think it's because I didn't live up to my own expectations.
>>16500296
Exactly.
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>>16500296
I'm saying, all schools have alumni associations, therefore acting like you're screwed because you go to UCF instead of Stanford isn't rational.
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>>16500321

Thinking that the contacts you will gain from UCF are on the same tier as the people from Standford isn't rational.
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If you want to change the world, you must obtain power. Therefore, the obvious career choice is that of a politician.

As for your problems, all of them are self imposed, and all can be overcome. See one of your school's counselors.
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>>16500360
I never said that, however, what I DID say is actually like you're in some failure vacuum because you go to UCF and not Stanford is irrational. You could do MUCH worse. But if this thread would like to take the direction of "boohoo I go to UCF and it's all my fault" by all means go ahead.
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>>16500419

The thread is about failing to meet your potential due to being lazy and egotistical and how to do better in the future.

You are trying to turn it into an apologist thread when you make comments like "it could be worse." It is very damaging to young adults to suggest that being mediocre is okay when you can do better.
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>>16500419
It's not that at all. I just realize I wanted better but lost that drive. That's what I regret. I'll just have to try harder.
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>>16500476
I feel like I have a chance to get out of this but I feel like I've wasted so much valuable time that it has stunted my future. It's incredibly demoralizing.
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>>16500476
I don't want to turn this into an argument. If OP wants to go to Stanford, do what you have to do and transfer. This thread was never about what OP is going to do, it was always about how he felt about his past actions. If we were actually discussing plans to improve OPs situation, I would've just told him to transfer to Stanford. Nah but please make me the bad guy more I haven't laughed all day.
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>>16500503

You always have a chance to turn things around, you just have to decide that you're finally going to do it.

Stop the pity party and sit down to think about what you learned, then apply it to your next plan.
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>>16500107
The feels op. Only person to graduate uni in my immediate welfarescum family but got fucked by other family and it delayed my grad school plans for a year. Feel degenerate living on mom's couch again but you just have to keep going right? What's your alternative? Get a second degree maybe if you're in the US like me and trying to avoid paying back student loans, kek. Get pleb job, go from there. We all gon make it
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>>16500571
I just have to have a strict plan. I don't really have a time frame just vague goals. I realize that I going abroad is the first thing I have ever planned for and researched thoroughly. Feels bad man.
Thread posts: 31
Thread images: 1


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