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I really need advice, or someone to tell me something, I'm

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I really need advice, or someone to tell me something, I'm not sure, but I think I just need to talk, and for someone to call me a faggot, and to stop being melodramatic

>inb4 not your blogpost

I'm 22, I suffer from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I haven't worked in years, I haven't talked to the opposite sex since highschool.
When I was in highschool, I was your typical student, I did/taught martial arts afterwards, had a job, had a girlfriend, seemed like I was going to do well in life.

I'm not sure what happened, or where it all changed, but after a certain point I had just given up. I didn't talk to any of my friends anymore, I stopped practicing martial arts, I quit my job, and I dropped out of highschool a few weeks before graduation.

I want to kill myself. Not just want, I feel like I have to kill myself. Whenever I go to bed, and try to sleep, I'm up all night just thinking of dieing in my sleep. I maybe get 1-2 hours a night if I'm lucky, because I'm just constantly thinking about killing myself, dieing, and whats waiting for me after I do it.

The only reason I don't want to do it is because of my parents. They love me very much.

But because of their love for me, I think its why I need to do it. Sure, they'll miss me, and it'll probably change them completely... But I've ruined their lives. They should be somewhere else, and being happy, enjoying life without their kids, doing what they want. Instead they spend their money on feeding me, clothing me, giving me money for my hobbies. My father has started getting verbally violent, and my mother constantly tells me shes disappointed in me. I'm sure they are doing it out of a place of love, but to me, its more of a reason to do it. I'm nothing but a burden, I have no friends. The only people who would show up to my funeral are my parents, and my two brothers, if they can fly in. I don't know what to do, I try to change myself, but it just seems like even my will to live is gone.
Aside from some slight differences you literally sound like me.
What are my options, other than manning up and offing myself? I honestly don't see myself living out my natural life.
Look, you don't need to off yourself or man up. That's all nonsense, and either way you're not actually going to deal with the problem.

The most helpful thing you can do right now is to ease up on yourself. You're being so much of a mean bully to yourself, and your problems appear far larger than they are. You haven't ruined anyone's life, and anything is possible. I want you to tell yourself and believe that you have chosen to be in this position, even if you feel like it's ridiculous or absurd.

You're really overthinking this, fixating on wanting to kill yourself all the time is draining you of your life. You can think about this for the rest of your life if you want, but it's important to note that you are choosing to think about this all the time.

>I choose to hate myself and think only about killing myself, why do I feel so bad?!

I whack on some funk music in the morning. A bit of Zapp and Roger. 'The devil will find work for idle hands to do'.
While I appreciate your advice, I think you've misread my post.
I'm well aware this is entirely my own fault, I know I put myself in this situation. I hate myself, I'm willing to 100% admit that. I use to be decently attractive, but now I've gained weight, I'm losing my hair, and I'm going blind. I'm here because I'm a piece of shit, I get that. Wether I like it or not, thats what I am. My only issue is dealing with what I am, and I can't.
Honestly, I really don't know. And I also can't tell you why I haven't killed myself yet. I also used to be attractive and do martial arts. I stopped because of a knee injury I've been dealing with for years. It made me quit my job and gain weight.

What I can tell is what I am doing. I just started working out two weeks ago, made an improved résumé so I'm going job hunting tomorrow, and I stopped caring about my hair and just living with the fact that I'm thinning.

I don't know what do about your parents. I completely understand the feeling of being a burden, a useless waste of space. I think they're just frustrated for you(and me). They probably think you have so much more potential and you're wasting it. I think that you and me can both live out our natural life but it won't be easy.
I don't know, typing this out made me realize its worse than it was. This will more than likely be my last post. Why put it off?

Have fun Anons.
It's not that bad, anon. I'm in the same situation and I honestly want to help. Don't do it.

a knee injury will limit your ability to do some types of athletics.

is there a reason you didn't find others ways to be athletic? its not like you can't do anything with your body now.
I am the same. No work, no real degree, stopped doing fitness a year ago, and i keep looking like shit because i dont take care of myself.

I'm not really the person to speak, but.. i think if you focus on those things one at a time, making a list, act on it, and it will probably get better.

And i feel ya i once had a convo with my dad:

>me: what's your problem with me? I don't use drugs, i don't steal, i don't make a mess. im not doing anything wrong

>him: you're not doing much right either.
>after a certain point I had just given up

There is a big difference between having psychological problems like depression, etc, and deciding/choosing to use them as an excuse not to have a life.

We've ALL got psychological problems of one sort or another. Some of us are socially or intellectually handicapped by them. But we don't all drop out of life as you did at the "certain point".

That was not inevitable. That was a choice you made. You could have flipped the coin differently and chosen to try to conquer your handicaps or at least function as well as you could within them.

It would have been harder. You would have actually had to do something. You would have had to risk setbacks and failures in the hope that once in a while you'd succeed.

You would, in short, have had to get on with life, as everyone else does, whatever their handicaps.

You can still make that choice. DO something.
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