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My (online) bf wishes for us to call our bond a relationship.

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My (online) bf wishes for us to call our bond a relationship. I explained to him that I do not feel comfortable with labeling it and for him to let me feel on my own that we're in a relationship once we meet and get to actually know each other irl.
He keeps insisting on it and says he'd rather me feel a little uncomfortable than him feeling the terrible pain over it. I told him it wouldn't be genuine and how labeling it wouldn't make it different from what we have now but he considers being in a relationship is not something to feel about.

Is there any way we could reach the middle ground here?

Bonus:
- He says being in a relationship will make him feel more relaxed and that he can stop worrying. Over what, I do not know, he's not telling me even though I explained to him that I am not going anywhere.

- I do not feel comfortable because it rings a bad connotation of control. Especially since he considers belonging to another person to be a part of the relationship. I'm almost certain when I agree to something that he wishes, he finds a new thing to be concerned about and that the next step will be marriage or something.
>>
good lord
>>
>>16476377
>Online boyfriend

Ayy lmao
>>
I'm dependent on being in a relationship, when I'm not in one, I get stressed, anxious and depressed.

H could be like that, if he is, he should get professional help.
>>
>>16476377
He's clearly emotionally dependent like >>16476401 suggested. There's nothing wrong with that but I wouldn't jump the ship if it's an online relationship.
>>
>>16476401
So should you.
>>
>>16476415
I'm in therapy.
My psychologist thinks I'm a mix between dependent and borderline PD.

Just be careful OP, you don't want someone like me. We're really fucking hard to deal with and have no trust at all.
>>
He wants to call it a relationship because he wants to be able to claim you as his. Like a dog really wants to pee on stuff but you tell it no so it whines.
>>
>>16476401
What kind of a relationship? He never had a gf before, but had girls he talked to.

>>16476387
We do plan to meet, but I'm a bit reluctant because he seems ready to be in a relationship and marry someone he never saw irl.
>>
>>16476423
You know a lot about dogs don't you ;)
>>
>>16476420
He has been treating me really nicely, however, I have this terrible feeling he has started to cling to me even more than before ever since he started considering us to be in a relationship.

I keep telling him he acts obsessive towards me, but he gets hurt or annoyed by my claims.
>>
>>16476446
>online boyfriend

Does it get any more pathetic?
>>
>>16476455
Give advice, mofo.
>>
>>16476377
>online bf
>but I don't want to be in a "relationship"
>It's a form of "control" and "ownership"

He's got dependance issues, you have intimate issues. What age are you? What a very naive view that relationships are about control and labels. Yet you call him your "bf". Then whine he's too needy/obsessed.

Honestly, you're a walking contradiction just wanting to bitch about your "online partner"
>>
>>16476455
talk shit post f-
oh fuck, wrong board.
>>
>>16476457
Okay. There's no such thing as online relationship and therefore you don't have a problem. Happy now?
>>
>>16476377
>My (online) bf

this is problem #1

> I do not feel comfortable

this is problem #2

wether that guy is LDR or IRL is irrelevant

if you are not comfortable with some idea he wants then that is it - end of story

it takes 2 people to make a relationship work but only 1 of them to destroy it
>>
1, why call him bf if it's not a relationship?
2 how long do you know him? It sounds like long...you may both be loving a product of your imaginations rather than a real person he probably more so than you.
3 why stick and not just meet or leave? Do you feel like you won't find someone else?
4 he seems crazy, there's probably a female equivalent of nevee stick your dick in crazy...
>>
>>16476377
You don't mind labeling him bf though?
>>
You're being very contradicting, and probably confusing for him too. Especially when you're calling him your "bf."
>>
>>16476377
>Relationships as a form of control
Nigga everything is a relationship. Being neighbors is a relationship. Being friends is a relationship. You have a relationship with the person taking a shit in the stall next to you, transient though it is.

All relationships necessitate surrendering some control. You shouldn't wander over to your neighbors house and piss in their toilet. You shouldn't ditch friends after previously agreeing to something. You shouldn't grunt and moan like you're giving birth when there's someone in the stall next to you taking a shit. So avoiding romantic relationships just because you suddenly have to consult another person if you want to run off banging people or sucking dick for crack or whatever it is you do on the weekends is pretty fucking silly.
>>
Do you love him?

If you two are actually planning to meet it doesn't seem like a bad idea to call it a relationship if you two actually love one another.
>>
>>16476508
1) Because he wants me to call him a bf and I assume it's what we have.
2) Since January I think. I'm concerned we don't know each other that good and that's why I'm surprised he's even willing to want o marry me.
3) I like him and he wants to stay with me.
4) I sure hope that's not the case!
>>
>>16476599
You've known him for nearly a whole year, and you don't know him very well?

My ex and I started dating after 2 months of knowing eachother.
>>
>>16476455
>>16476387
I wouldn't call it pathetic, the OP said that he(r) (couldn't tell if gay male or female) and him plan to meet.

To OP:

>Do you love him?
>Do you think you'll stay together?
>Has he had bad experiences with girlfriends in the past?
>How old are you both

From what I can tell right now he has a bit of a dependency issue, namely by how you said he insists on it. You seem to have a bit of a trust issue, namely by how you're afraid of giving up control.
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>>16476618
honestly man, I'd be pretty persistent if I had known her for a whole year, and she's been fucking with me the whole time calling me her bf and shit.
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>>16476618
- I feel love towards him but recently we fought a lot and I feel really emotionally closed off and drained.
- I hope we stay together
- He had bad experience with people in general I think and he had a bad experience with a girl he was online friends with.
- Me 25, he 18
>>
>>16476610
You dated on the internet?
>>
>>16476654
She was from NZ, I was from Australia. We eventually met up, everything was all good.

This relationship ended a few days ago, actually. It went for 2 years.

>>16476649
25 and 18, 7 year age difference. 18 year olds are fairly immature. But, the fact he's been around for a whole year, and is still trying. Good sign.
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>>16476377
>My (online) bf
>online

Pathetic.
>>
>>16476674
refer to
>>16476666
not all online relationships are pathetic, and some of them actually work out.
>>
>>16476666
>dating a boy 7 years younger than you
>online

You need help.
Consider therapy.
>>
>>16476687
I'm not, OP is.
>>
>>16476649
Have either of you been abused? Both of you seem to exhibit traits commonly found in those who were abused.

Him

>Dependency
>Worrying? (from the relaxed comment)

You

>Trust issues
>Seem to be extremely reserved
>>
>>16476666
If the 18 year old has been interested for a year it's safe to say he's going to stick around, in my opinion. The age difference is pretty big but if it doesn't bother him which it doesn't seem to then it's probably irrelevant.
>>
>>16476666
Why did it end?
>>
>>16476715
We started dating online, but moved together. I needed to move away for my studying, and decided it'd be best to end it. She agreed.
>>
>>16476701
I have been physically abused as a kid, I'm not sure how I would categorize what he's been through. I'd put neglect in the first place. I opened up about it to him since I sensed he went through similar bad experiences and would understand.
>>
>>16476649
>Me 25, he 18

lol, you get more pathetic every time I see this thread again
>>
>>16476377
>Year of our Lord 2015
>Online relationships
Shiggy
>>
>>16476627
It was """"complicated"""" since I was with another guy when he met me. He told me what I had with that person wasn't real and since then I always felt reluctant to use the word bf for anyone.
>>
>I've been seeing someone since January
>I don't want to call it a relationship
>>
>>16476732
Alright, share with me your normal, stable, non-pathetic life.
>>
>>16476744
We've known each other since January, not been together.
>>
>>16476423

I really hope you die sometime you fucking feminist sjw cunt. And I hope it's soon. You are literally everything that is wrong with the modern western woman and if there's any justice in the world you'll never have more than a superficial relationship.
>>
>>16476731
Well there you go. It probably is a good thing that you two found each other, seeing as how you are(?) able to relate through childhood trauma. It's most likely that both of you have issues stemming from neglect/abuse and they can manifest into your romance. He needs to understand that you have trust issues and that it stems from your abuse. You need to realize that his dependency and obsessiveness, though obsessiveness is generally obtained through trust issues as well, stem from neglect.

Why not call what you two have a relationship? You both seem to be satisfied with each other and are planning to meet. You love him; you wish to stay with him; he seems to reciprocate (I'm assuming) those feelings; is it not already a relationship?
>>
I dated a chick on the east coast while I was living on the west for about a year. I was 16 when it started, having lied about my age, but 19 when we broke up. She was 20 when we met and 23 by the end of it.

It was alright, I don't know if I'd recommend it though. We talked a lot via skype and on the phone, and met twice a year usually. I enjoyed it, and we got along well. It wasn't really the distance that ended up being the end of the relationship, but the fact that she got really, really religious towards the end. I'm a lapsed Catholic and she was some flavor of Protestant, and we grew apart. Probably could've gotten back together but once I got out of the relationship I found I was a lot happier.

LDR can definitely work, I mean we made it work for three years across thousands of miles while committing all manner of felonies related to traversing state lines for sex with a minor, but you've got to be pretty invested to make it work.

We started dating after knowing one another for about 6 months, give or take.
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>>16476777
I have few problems myself.
1) As I mentioned before, if he gets a label of relationship, I'm afraid he'll just start obsessing over marriage then.

2) I do not like what seems like an official label. I was fine being good friends with a romantic undertone. The word relationship makes my skin crawl and makes me feel like running away. Which seems to created a big problem here as the more he pushes the more I want to run away and vice-versa.

3) I panicked when he said being in a relationship means one person belongs to the other. That made me think of how he will want to control what I wear, if I wear makeup, what people I should associate to etc.
>>
>My bf
>labeling it wouldn't make it different from what we have now

So you're in a relationship but you just don't want to call it a relationship?
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>>16476825
I think that's pretty much it.
>>
>>16476820

>1) As I mentioned before, if he gets a label of relationship, I'm afraid he'll just start obsessing over marriage then.

That's a bit of a stretch. It seems to be labeling your romance a relationship is more validation of what you have than establishing something new.

>2) I do not like what seems like an official label. I was fine being good friends with a romantic undertone. The word relationship makes my skin crawl and makes me feel like running away. Which seems to created a big problem here as the more he pushes the more I want to run away and vice-versa.

You two need to understand each other better then. It's a bit irrational to not call it a relationship just because you don't like the word. Most likely you two have a sort-of chain-reaction, where he tries to further the relationship(?) and as a result you grow more distant, which causes him to try to further it even more.

>3) I panicked when he said being in a relationship means one person belongs to the other. That made me think of how he will want to control what I wear, if I wear makeup, what people I should associate to etc.

Understand that that comes from your trust issues. Have you brought up those fears with your boyfriend? What did he say? I believe you may be misunderstanding what a relationship, and belonging to your boyfriend, actually is. Although I don't know how he would put it, I would describe it as, "not dating anyone else". Ask him how he would describe it.


Have you tried talking to him about his obsessive behaviors? What did he say?
>>
I'm
>>16476853
Just a few more questions

>How does your boyfriend feel of the age gap between you?
>Are you two of different ethnicities? Just a hunch here, but I'm thinking you may be Asian
>When are you two planning to meet up? Are you going to see him or is he coming to you? Or are you meeting up at a convention of some sort?
>>
>being 25
>having an online bf
>who is 18 and clingy

It's not gonna work out, you clearly don't care about him that much, otherwise you would want to be in a relationship with him. But it's an online relationship, which is cancer in itself, so nevermind. Stop having online relationships with people who are so young and childlish, find yourself a person on your level irl, because that situation right now, as some anon said, is sad and pathetic.
>>
>>16476873
My sister (28) married a guy (25) she met online, though she's the clingy one. I think it can work out. Granted the age gap wasn't so big.
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>>16476879
In OP's case it won't work out because they already have shitty, petty problems. Also 7 years difference is a lot, he's on a totally different level. I don't know what normal, sane woman would go for a 'relationship' with a 18, being 25 herself. Add to the mix the fact that it takes longer for a guy to mature... He already acts childlish as fuck. Op must have been very desperate
>>
>>16476853
He gets annoyed and hurt if I call him obsessive. He's also unable to take a joke if it's directed at him. Got annoyed at me for teasing him by not liking his fb comment.

As for the relationship, I told him all of those and how they make me feel and he told me it's not going to happen. But I still panic badly, especially since he told me "I would rather you chose to be uncomfortable to get rid of all this pain". What's the next thing I will have to do so he wouldn't feel horrible pain?

He defined relationship as "Not seeing other people, feeling some sense of being other person's, etc"
>>
>>16476863
1) He sugar coated it, I asked him how he likes older girls and he said the girl he likes is older than him so he loves older girls. I bring up the age gap from time to time but he insists it's not a problem.
2) He's American, I'm a Balkan Slav.
3) He plans to come over here in a few weeks stay in my country.
>>
>>16476906
>He gets annoyed and hurt if I call him obsessive. He's also unable to take a joke if it's directed at him. Got annoyed at me for teasing him by not liking his fb comment.

How are you confronting him about this? A straight up "we need to talk", or "you need to stop this" may not be the best course of action when bringing up an issue with a dependent person. The best way to bring up an issue would be to start by reassuring the person that you aren't going to leave(? not sure if anything to leave if you're not in a relationship) because of it. Getting upset at you not liking a Facebook comment is definitely immature and likely stems from a worrisome nature, e.g. "She didn't like it so she must hate me". The best way to deal with this in my mind is to make him understand that what he fears isn't true and that you were just picking on him.

>As for the relationship, I told him all of those and how they make me feel and he told me it's not going to happen.

There's nothing more that can be done to further assure you.

> But I still panic badly, especially since he told me "I would rather you chose to be uncomfortable to get rid of all this pain". What's the next thing I will have to do so he wouldn't feel horrible pain?

What was the context surrounding that? If it was something like

>"The word relationship makes me uncomfortable"
>"It hurts me that you don't want to be in a relationship with me, I would rather you feel uncomfortable instead of me feeling this hurt"

then I could understand it in a sense of "my girlfriend cares more about her discomfort than me being hurt". Though, if it's anything other than that it seems really obsessive.

>He defined relationship as "Not seeing other people, feeling some sense of being other person's, etc"

That would be what I would expect from a relationship; it seems you two already have that as well. What is the problem?
>>
>>16476921
>1) He sugar coated it, I asked him how he likes older girls and he said the girl he likes is older than him so he loves older girls. I bring up the age gap from time to time but he insists it's not a problem.

Judging by how he has been with you for ten months, I feel it's safe to assume that he's being truthful.

>2) He's American, I'm a Balkan Slav.

Darn, I had a hunch that it was something similar to what one of my friends went through. They dated a Thai girl online and didn't trust Asian girls in general.

>3) He plans to come over here in a few weeks stay in my country.

If he's crossing boarders to see you I can understand his need for validation. How long is he going to be staying there?
>>
>>16476377
LDR?

If so, How far is he?
>>
>>16476750
Okay. Graduated from college at 22. Started a business (a food truck) and a year later I bought a second one. Now, 5 years later I own 8, recently purchased my second apartment and I am considering starting a restaurant.

I have a girlfriend, a real one mind you, not online crap but I think I will break up with her soon because she wants to get married but I don't.

All in all, my life could be better but hey, at least I'm not some 25 year old loser dating an 18 year old... online.
>>
>>16476959
>>16476970

I have to get up early tomorrow so I'm going to leave you with one last piece of advice.

Talk it out with him. Try to find some middle ground that you both can be happy with. Remind him that you love him and you hope to stay together.
>>
>>16476982
>I didn't read the thread but like the moron I am I will post stupid questions which have clear answers within the thread
>>
>>16476959
I think I have a bad approach myself. I point out he is acting obsessive and clingy he get annoyed and denies it.

When we met, he often asked me if I would block him, which was surreal to me because I have never blocked anyone. Even made me promise I won't. Generally, I think his big two issues are high fear and rejection and abandonment. And yes, he sometimes does ask me if I hate him. I always tell him I like making jokes and teasing him but he gets super serious about them and tells me I'm not serious enough.

Here's the conversation:
>Why won't you let me be happy
I am letting you be happy
I am not stopping you from it
What are you so uncertain about
>What's going to happen now
>Just going to let me feel horrible until I come
>I was perfectly fine hiding it until you pried
You would rather force me into something I do not feel like doing?
>I would rather you chose to be uncomfortable to get rid of all this pain
>No forcing

He's been feeling bad and crying over it for some time now.

And lastly - I'm a bit put off he wishes to call it a relationship with someone he never met.
>>
>>16477006
Thank you for your advice, it helped me calm down and allowed me to think a bit more clearly.
>>
>>16477009
Alright judging from the context it was what I thought it was; however, if he says it again confront him about it.
>>
>>16477007
Gotta work on your precog skillz bruh!
>>
Is OP mentally unwell?

most likely
>>
>>16477009
Dudette, I have been a dick to you and I apologize, but you cannot possibly believe this is a good idea. Seriously, let's give it a thought here, will you?

>dude's 18
>no means to support you
So if he moves in with you, you're probably gonna have to help hom financially
>dude's clingy
>dude's immature
>you don't actually know him
Because who you are online is not who you are IRL

I mean, this is so fucked up that I don't even know where to begin.
>>
>I'm a bit put off he wishes to call it a relationship with someone he never met.

Doesn't seem weird to me. It's called a LDR (long distance RELATIONSHIP) for a reason.
>>
>>16477025
That's because you thimk online relationships are real relationships
>>
>Because who you are online is not who you are IRL

That's a lie. Long distance relationships, in my experience, tend to work out even better than normal ones.

Though him not having the financial means to support OP is definitely worrysome.
>>
>>16476377

Technically, you are in a relationship. You call him your boyfriend. That's a relationship. Staring at a person you never knew for 5 secs, that's a relationship.

It may seem like I'm arguing semantics, but that's what you're doing aswell.

My advice, you either want him or you don't. He wants to get serious. You don't

There once was a man on pilgrimage to Rome. Along the way people asked him where he was going. He said, "I'm on my way to Rome to find God." Once the man made it to Rome, a man asked him why he was there. The man said, "I came here to find God." The roman replied, "I hop you brought him with you."

If you do not bring love and caring into your bond with your boyfriend, then why are you there.
>>
>>16477016
Gotta fuck off faggot!
>>
>>16477024
>LDR hate brigade moves in

It's just the same as any other relationship ffs
>>
>>16476970
He plans to move over here.

>>16476999
Seems like chill Western life. Don't worry, whatever you have, at least you will never live in a miserable, post-war society, talking with the teens online. Tho, breaking up because one person is not ready for the marriage happens over here too, a lot, actually.
>>
>>16477029
>LDRs work better than normal ones

lol
>>
>>16477036
Sure, because you can kiss them and hug them and have sex just like IRL!
>>
>>16477039
I already apologized for being a dick to you here: >>16477024

I apologize again, but PLEASE be reasonable and read what I told you there.
>>
>>16477009
>I'm a bit put off he wishes to call it a relationship with someone he never met.
If he feels a strong bond with you, and you've regularly talked for nearly a year, I wouldn't see it as a negative. He needs reassurance in a way that he can understand but you're not willing to give it to him because you're making wild assumptions about him and the future.

I met a guy and talked to him online for 2 years. Then we had a 5 year LDR, where I finally was able to meet him. We live together now, have a house, animals, etc. and we're incredibly happy. We like to say that we "own" each other or "belong" to the other person, but it's meant in a romantic healthy-relationship type of way. I don't think many people would take "belonging" to someone as complete control--I think this is where you're letting your past interfere with your relationship.

For you two to work, he's going to need stability, validation, and reassurance until he's comfortable enough with you to back off a little. The very fact that he's willing to cross oceans and countries to meet you, spending time and money, should mean that you two are more than friends. You ARE boyfriend and girlfriend.
>>
>>16477019
What seems to be the problem yo

>>16477024
He makes money online and plans to rent his own place.
I really don't know how to feel about this. He's one of the rare people who showed care about me. I really wouldn't want to lose him.
>>
>>16477054
This entirely.
>>
>>16477067
He's still (somewhat) a kid in the sense that he doesn't really know what he wants. Let me put it this way: Would you say you were stable and ready for a commited relationship at 18?

I apologize once again for being a dick to you, but come on.
>>
>>16477030
>My advice, you either want him or you don't. He wants to get serious. You don't

Here's the thing, he told me the bond I have with the previous guy was not a real relationship. But then how is the relationship between us two now real?
>>
>>16477039
>He plans to move over here

As in the nearest future? And what he's gonna do, being 18, without a proper education and job skills (I assume)? You'll have to mommy him basically...

I'm sorry but this whole affair reeks of people too irresponsible and immature to be in a relationship. He's obviously very clingy and obsessive, but you are not better. As you are 25 you should be able to see the signs and realise that this guy isn't a good relationship material. The sole fact that he's already planning life by your side in you country when you don't even want to call your relationship, well, a relationship... The dissonance us huge. He's too young for you or you are too old for him. Why did you even start things with him if you're not head over heels in love with him?
>>
>>16477078
I know people that got married on their 18th birthday, they're still together to this day. If the kid is willing to cross the fucking atlantic ocean for this girl I think it's pretty safe to assume that he has a basic grasp on what he wants.
>>
>>16477087
Okay, and how will he support her without proper education and marketable skills?

I know even more people that got married at 18 and it turned out to be a disaster.
>>
>>16477094
That is definitely a problem. Is he possibly going to university in your country or self-studying something marketable OP?
>>
>>16477087
Or he's thirsty and 25 yo desperate slav is the only pussy he can get. Come on, 18 yo people rarely are mature enough to settle down for good, and that case is especially tricky (ldr, different countries and nationalities, age gap). This kid has no grasp of reality whatsoever if he doesn't see that he's choosen one is at best mildly warm towards him
>>
>>16477106
His, not he's
>>
>>16477084
>Here's the thing, he told me the bond I have with the previous guy was not a real relationship. But then how is the relationship between us two now real?
He said this to invalidate your previous relationship in an attempt to reassure himself that you truly care about him, that you won't leave him, and that he'll be your #1. It's all he has because you're not willing to give him anything.

>>16477085
>And what he's gonna do, being 18, without a proper education and job skills (I assume)? You'll have to mommy him basically...
>>16477054 here. Age and maturity don't really matter as long as there is a willingness to work and grow together. I was 13 when I met (online) my husband and fell in love with him, 15 when we started dating (and met in real life), 20 when we married, and now I'm in my late 20s. He had to help me out a little initially, but because we care so strongly for each other, it wasn't an issue. Now I'm independent, make my own money, and pay for my own things. If the kid is already making his own money and getting his own place, it's a non-issue. She can leave if she doesn't like him.
>>
>>16477054
Thank you, your post brings me a little hope.
I have many doubts myself, but a lot of people keep saying he's obsessive and not someone for me, which only feeds my fears.

>>16477078
I don't even know what a steady and committed relationship is.

>>16477085
As in, in a few weeks. I advise him to get a diploma, if not in America, at least here, but he's too stubborn and won't listen to me. He plans to get by with his work online.

I'm afraid of all those things you listed.

He was the one who started things with me....It started off very complicated as I was close with someone else and according to him, he saw I would be much happier with him (and he would be happy with me) so he started hitting on me...The whole thing started very messily and with lots of guilt.
>>
>>16477125
Anecdotal evidence isn't real evidence now, is it?

It worked out for you, congratulations, what happens with all the hundreds of other people who failed?
>>
>>16477138
>Anecdotal evidence isn't real evidence now, is it?
This is 4chan--that's all we have when it comes to situations like this.

>It worked out for you, congratulations, what happens with all the hundreds of other people who failed?
They've learned from the experience and moved on. If you're not willing to take chances in life, the best things will pass you by.
>>
>>16477137
>I have many doubts myself, but a lot of people keep saying he's obsessive and not someone for me, which only feeds my fears.

Don't let what other people say influence your relationship with him. He sounds a bit obsessive from what you've been saying, but it doesn't seem to be a dealbreaker or anything that needs massive amounts of attention. As for saying he's not for you, they're just saying that because of the age gap and that it's long distance. If he's fine with you being eight years older than him then there's no problem.

I repeat, do not let what other people say ruin your relationships.
>>
>>16477137
>He was the one who started things with me....It started off very complicated as I was close with someone else and according to him, he saw I would be much happier with him (and he would be happy with me) so he started hitting on me...The whole thing started very messily and with lots of guilt.
See, this is something you should've mentioned in the OP. This is full of red flags. A healthy relationship should be free of guilt, pressure, etc.

>I was close with someone else and according to him, he saw I would be much happier with him (and he would be happy with me) so he started hitting on me..
Because he entered the relationship with you in this way, he probably thinks you have a weak will and will bend when the next guy whispers into your ear. This is another reason why he's trying so hard to invalidate the previous relationship--he can't trust you.
>>
>>16477150
Adding on to that if he's really moving across the Atlantic ocean for you, then at least he is either rich or completely sure that you are the one for him.
>>
>>16477146
Actually, risk should be calculated. I know this for a fact. I am this guy:>>16477024

If I have learnt something in life is that leaps of faith are stupid. Calculated risk is not. Your advice is really bad advice if you go by saying "take chances like a moron, don't be rational about it"

Please OP, don't listen to this poster.
>>
>>16477172
>Actually, risk should be calculated.
And it has been. The guy isn't moving in with her, he won't be mooching off her, and he's in an unfamiliar country. She's not the one moving, he is. He's the one taking the risks.
>>
>>16477165
Or, you know, he's an impulsive kid. Oh wait, my bad. Impulsive 18 year olds are practically unheard of, thay never fucking happens, huh?
>>
>>16477181
Who said otherwise? Doesn't make it any less retarded.
>>
>>16476764
+1
>>
>>16477172
>risk

The guy is moving to a foreign country with no degree or (seemingly) stable job. Clearly cares about her enough to potentially risk his own safety going to a strange foreign country with no degree or marketable skills.

How is OP taking any risk? If anything, she has a reduced risk with him than the average person does in a normal relationship.
>>
>>16477190
And you have just given a recipe for disaster in which a kid ends up in another country without education and alone. And you're actually defending this?
>>
>>16477182
I don't know about you but when I was eighteen I did marijuana and got drunk. I didn't move to a foreign country to be with a girl. Granted, some of it probably is impulsive and reckless and stupid, but at least he genuinely loves this girl.
>>
>>16477195
Doesn't make it any less impulsive, reckless and stupid. Come on, what the hell is wrong with you people?
>>
>>16477207
I called it reckless and stupid. I'm not denying that it is.

But he does genuinely love this girl. That's all the point I'm trying to make.
>>
>>16477194
>a kid ends up in another country without education and alone.
>a kid
He's not a kid, he's an inexperienced adult that can make his own decisions. He's bound to fuck up somewhere, but that's how he's going to learn. Why should we shelter people from life experience?
>>
So he assumed that you would be happier with him rather than with the person you were close with, (assumed based on what? Did you know you well back then or did he simply decide 'I gotta tap this ass'?)

That's sick; HE decided that HE would be a better match for you and therefore fucked up your relationship with the person you were engaged with.. And you let him do that? That dude sounds like a bordeline egoistic, clingy child. He tries to force you to become more and more commited, and you are clearly uncomfortable in this relationship and it gives you a shitton if anxiety.

I get that you live him, but it doesn't look like a romantic love to me. It seems like you stick to him because he makes you feel less lonely and because you feel obligated to.

But still...

As for his 'job', making money online is swim or sink kind of a thing, and depending what he does, chances are he won't earn enough
>>
>>16477150
Thank you, I was really afraid I'm being delusional about the whole deal and I asked people how they view it.

>>16477159
Guilt and pressure are one of the most negative emotions I've felt in this relationship.
Pressure - He used to ask me a lot if I loved him.
However, relationship with him has been one of the most beneficial ones I've had. It helped me with my self-esteem issues, made me open up a little and grow as a person.

I told him I don't need rescuing from anybody and he needs not to rescue me from the other guy.

>>16477165
He told me he's completely sure.
He's not rich at all, in fact, I'd say he's worse off than me.
>>
>>16477213
When someone ends up overseas, without education an alone. That's when we shelter them from life experience.
>>
Why don't you send him the link to his thread?
>>
>>16477211
And I'm not saying otherwise, but you cannot possibly believe that this is a good idea, regardless of his love for her.
>>
>>16477231
Jesus, I worry he might panic over some of these replies, especially the ones that say it won't work.

I'm not sure if I should, what do you guys think?
>>
>>16477226
>When someone ends up overseas, without education an alone. That's when we shelter them from life experience.
No, that's when they learn. I've seen people fuck up in similar (sometimes worse) ways, but they get through it by learning how to rely on themselves. If you only have yourself to rely on, then you'll find a way.
>>
>>16477239
I wouldn't.
>>
>>16477239
>I'm not sure if I should, what do you guys think?
Even if he panics, it would give him something to think about. He honestly should make a better plan.
>>
>>16477220
>He's not rich at all, in fact, I'd say he's worse off than me.

OP, be reasonable. Forget just for one second about your feelingsand think about this logically. This is not a good idea.
>>
>>16477240
Some learn and grow, some end up homeless and fucked for life
>>
>>16477240
Regardless, this is the advice board, where we are supposed to give, you know, advice so that such a situation does not present itself.
>>
>>16477194
He would never end up alone, even if there was no way for us to work, I wouldn't live him on the streets.
>>
>>16477248
>some end up homeless and fucked for life
Because they want to stay there while they blame everyone else for their bad decisions. Because it's easier than pulling themselves out of the hole they've dug. I've been homeless before, I've had homeless family members. I know what it's like.
>>
>>16477244
>>16477239
This sounds like it could lead to a big fight.

>you're telling anonymous strangers on a chinese cartoon board about our personal issues!?!?
>>
>>16477258
Probably. But if they can't survive said fight, then they probably won't survive his move out there.
>>
>>16477257
I'm glad it worked out well for you in the end, but we can't really assume OP's boy-toy has enough brains and guts to make it. From what I gather he's not a very logical guy.
>>
>>16477256
Exactly. And how would you keep him off the streets? By supporting him financially, right? Are you in such a position? Does that sound reasonable to you?
>>
>>16477258
He knows I browse /adv/ and sometimes leaves messages on the letter threads. He sometimes asks for advice himself. I'm surprised he's not here rn.
>>
>>16477257
>I've been homeless before, I've had homeless family members. I know what it's like.

And thus, you want others to end up homeless too or what?
>>
>>16477253
>Regardless, this is the advice board, where we are supposed to give, you know, advice so that such a situation does not present itself.
You may not like the advice some people give, but that doesn't mean it's not advice. Get over it.
>>
>>16477268
Jesus, what a mess

I'll pray to all gods, please let me have a normal relationship, not 4chan fueled ldr like OP, plase don't let me get that low
>>
>>16477246
I understand it sounds bad, I asked him numerous of times if he's absolutely sure if he wishes to do it and he's very stubborn of it. I asked him how he feels about leaving his family behind and he told me he'll even feel relieved.

What should I do logically? Tell no to one of the rare people who cared about me and search for someone my own age?
>>
>>16477272
>And thus, you want others to end up homeless too or what?
It was a rough time, but it was invaluable life experience. I don't think people here understand how much something like that can change a person for the better. Why can't people accept personal responsibility for their actions anymore?
>>
>>16477281
You seem to truly love him. Don't let what other people say get in the way of your relationship.
>>
>>16477266
I am in no means to support him, especially not over here where salaries are low and unemployment is high.

He wishes to support himself, if he's unable I'm pretty sure his parents won't leave him hanging.
>>
>>16477281
>Tell no to one of the rare people who cared about me and search for someone my own age?

that exactly. This guy is shady as fuck, you will end up supporting his sorry ass. Also he probably cares about you becaue he hopes you will put out. He's 18 for krissake
>>
>>16477295
>going to a foreign country for sex with a girl eight years older than him
>>
>>16477293
>you seem to truly love him :^)
>OP isn't comfortable enough in this shitty relationship to even call it a relationship

I guess you must be long lost OP's bf who browses /adv/ from time to time?
>>
>>16477295
That's a lot of unnecessary trouble and self sacrifice for pussy.
>>
>>16477275
>Get over it.

Ah, great argument you present here.
>>
>>16477307
If you look at it from a sane person perspective, then yes.

Alas, OP's bf seems to be a bit detached from the reality, so...
>>
>>16477295
Well good luck with that, I'm not able to find a job for myself, let alone support him.

Also, apparently, some chick/his friend rubbed up against him and wanted to bang him or something but he still wanted to be with me hurrr, tho I suspect it was a ploy to make me jealous and turn to him instead of the other guy. He later got a boner over my jealous reaction lmao

So yeah, sure hope he's not crossing the damn ocean because he wants to bang me.
>>
>>16477286
I've learnt far more doing business and making my business grow. Being homeless is not something you shoud idealize nor want for anyone.
>>
>>16477309
>Ah, great argument you present here.
How else am I supposed to respond to a comment that's basically "I don't like YOUR advice because it goes against what I believe! REEEEEEEEEEEEE"? I don't have to make an argument.
>>
>>16477319
I don't necessarily want people to be homeless, but again, personal responsibility and risk taking leads to growth. And it sounds like he has a lot of growing to do.
>>
>>16477322
You are saying that an 18 year old should travel overseas for someone he's only met online without proper education or marketable skills is good advice. Are we supposed to cheer this motion?

Of course you have no arguments.
>>
>>16477328
Agreed. He can always learn by other means that don't involve him being homeless in a post-war environment.
>>
Welp guys, he found the thread without me linking it. So far, so good.
>>
>>16477354
Thread just got real
>>
>>16477334
>You are saying that an 18 year old should travel overseas for someone he's only met online without proper education or marketable skills is good advice.
I'm saying we should let the guy do whatever the fuck he wants. It's his life.

>Are we supposed to cheer this motion?
I don't really care if you agree, but I don't understand why you're whining about it. We clearly have very different views on life and advice, so your arguments don't seem very good to me. Why can't we just agree to disagree?
>>
>My (online) bf
All of my what
>>
Mfw some of these affirmative replies and advices telling me not to worry and dive into the whole thing were from him.
>>
>>16477419

hello reddit
>>
Your boyfriend sounds sexy.

You should totally marry him. O M G I know I would if I could
>>
This: >>16477419 followed by this: >>16477431

You guys made my fuckin' night.
>>
>>16477431
Go ahead.
>>
>>16477364
See
>>16477419


BTFO
>>
Jesus Christ in heavens, small update, he found this thread way earlier than I thought and made some fake ldr happy ending stories, I'm beyond amused.
>>
>>16477589
Starting to believe me when I say that this is not a good idea?
>>
>>16477608
Sighhhhh, will I never have a normal relationship with a boy?
>>
Abort the ship, he was here from the start. Used the knowledge of me being abused to manipulate me in the first replies above. Had a weird inkling but damn.
>>
>>16477589
LDR relationships can work if it doesn't take to long and they have the income to actually visit until you can be together.

That said your relationship however will fail because you can't grasp that your "BF" wants you to refer to him as your BF because no one is going to invest an extremely significant amount of time and money to be with someone who is going to say, "Well we weren't in a relationship and I found someone else :)" when they get there; also he is an immature hopeless romantic.
>>
>>16477657
I think we have a bigger problem here. I'm starting to think that I know why I felt uneasy the whole time, see >>16477653 and >>16477589
>>
>>16477589
The post I made, where I met my guy and got married, was true. You can take that as you will since I don't know how to prove it.
>>
>>16477680
Which one were you? He said he made up a few stories.
>>
>>16477703

I'm >>16477054.
>>
>>16477670

Like I said, the guy is immature. He probably has dependency issues too.

LDRs only work if there is an actual plan in place to be together and one partner has the income to pull it off. Even then they have to have at least met you in person for at least a month before even coming up with such a plan, because not knowing someone and living with them is a recipe for disaster. If he has never made an attempt to see you in person even once and only makes vague in the future statements then cut your losses and move on.
>>
>>16477589
>>16477653
How/why did he tell you? That's a strange type of crazy.
>>
>>16477715
I asked him. I had a weird inkling some of these replies were from him but I decided to ignore it. Especially the abuse ones. I doubted someone could conclude it that fast.
>>
>>16477712
>LDRs only work if there is an actual plan in place to be together and one partner has the income to pull it off. Even then they have to have at least met you in person for at least a month before even coming up with such a plan, because not knowing someone and living with them is a recipe for disaster.
So much this. I had regular visits with my guy until I was 18, but then I finally went to stay with him. One month turned into about 8 months, and things were great, so we stuck it out (I had to return home for a family emergency). I didn't actually move across the country until a year later, shortly before we were married. There are so many things you discover about a person when you're in close regular contact with them. Luckily, he wasn't nuts. I don't know if the same can be said for OP's guy after reading many of these comments.
>>
Oh Jesus, he's having a breakdown and crying now asking if I hate him and if it's over.
>>
HELP /adv/ I don't know how to deal with this boy, I never had someone like this in my entire life.
>>
>>16477746
My advice will depend on the following questions:
Do you want to be in a relationship with them? If yes how do you intend to make it work so the LDR eventually turns into a normal relationship?
>>
>>16477746
He needs to seek professional help, especially if you're still interested. After some time, maybe he can come visit. But if he doesn't get help, he'll just get worse.
>>
Block and run away. Really no way to know if his crying is just more manipulation to stay in a relationship.
>>
File: shaking mi cabesa.jpg (39KB, 485x327px) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
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>>16476423
Yeah fuck the patriots. I'm glad they didn't make ot this year.
>>
>>16477760
>>16477758
I really wished for it to work, but man, it's never been this bad before. I really feel hurt that he said he cares about me but then uses something that hurt me for his own goals.
>>
>>16477773
You still seem to want it to work on some level so the best advice is to get him to seek professional help, because this sounds like a pretty bad dependency issue. Let him know he needs to talk to a psych and get his life on track before you will even consider a relationship.
>>
File: jesussaveme.png (9KB, 293x471px) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
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9KB, 293x471px
>>16477762
I dunno man, he cries all the time and a lot. I'm not sure what is going on anymore. I promised I won't block him, because lots of people have done that and he has traumas from it.

Also, God help me. Do I need a separate thread for this or what.
>>
>>16477791
As I said the guy needs professional help. There is nothing you can do beyond pushing him in that direction by saying you can't consider anything until he gets it. Who knows it might motivate him to fix his life.
>>
>>16477816
He's still in the thread lmao
I'm not sure if his stubborn attitude and pride will allow him to even consider it, but i hope things turn out okay.
>>
>>16477791
Alright then don't. But tell him he really needs to get professional help if he wants things to work. Don't budge on that. Don't meet until then.
>>
BF here

I messed up. Probably 1/4th of the posts in this thread are mine. I shouldn't have made a post here, should've just told OP how much I love her. I shouldn't have used something to painful and horrible to try to get her to think my way.
>>
>>16476377
>he'd rather me feel a little uncomfortable than him feeling the terrible pain over it
stopped reading here, please graduate high school and try again
>>
>>16478009
aids
>>
>>16476443
I laughed way too hard at this. It's probably not even the same person but that trip joke will never get old.
>>
....allergies. it's the only way
>>
>Online relationship

Lmaooooo

I would not be surprised at all if you showed your tits to random hot guys on Omegle for attention while you can't even fucking say you and your "boyfriend" are in a relationship.

Jokes all around.
>>
This WHOOOOLE thing is a train wreck.
Jesus christ.
How do we get this far into the shit? Do none of us ever stop to say "alright, this is far enough. it's getting REALLY bad now, we should stop."
>>
>>16477791
>>16477746
>>16477740
>>16477731
>>16477653
>>16478009

The fuck?

So like almost all of these posts are OP's boyfriend trying to convince her to stay in the relationship?

>>16477791

That escalated quickly. How did this go from fake posts to that monstrosity of a screenshot?
>>
This is straight up fucked. Congratulations, this was twisted enough to keep me up wayyy to0 late into the night when I have a full day of lectures tomorrow. The kid's fucked. Don't stay with him. And kid, don't go over there, you'll fuck your life up doing that.
>>
>>16477240
yeah, that's when you call your parents to transfer some money for a ticket back home...
>>
>>16478133
same here, brother/sister

>>16477791
OP, if I were you I would tell him to reach out for professional help and block him, because he sounds like a legit crazy person, and I don't have time for mad people in my life.

>he has trauma from being blocked

What kind of bullshit it that, do people get traumes over absolutely everything? And gee, I wonder why they block him, this guy is clearly a lunatic.

Alternatively don't block him but just don't read/reply to his messages and let the whole affair die.

Good thing is he showed you autitic levels of insanity before he moved to your country and made himself your responsibility.

That's what you get for online dating, in real life that guy would never find a gf
>>
>>16478133
or have a nice vacation in whatever country OP lives (croatia?)

but yeah, he's just 18, and mentally still a kid, I know how I was at 18 and had a terrible one-itis but at least I knew her irl.
It's not that strange for an 18y/o aspie to feel lonely and cling on to the first person who passes by. In the case of internetz it's even so easy to get lost in it because both sides can make theyr own mental image of an ideal partner and project it on the other person. it says nothing about IRL compatibility.

The most sensible thing to do in such an internet fling would be to meet, but since it involves either of you going transatlantic that would be a problem. also it would probably kill him to go all the way to your place and be disapointed. I think the ideal solution would be to meet halfway and share a weekend in london or something (ok, that's not halfway but at least neutral terrain)
If you want to continue this at all, cause it seems like just a fantasy thing of a kid and a desperate woman really.
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