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>Best friend and I we're inseparable >We spend a lot

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>Best friend and I we're inseparable
>We spend a lot of time just hanging out together
>As time goes by, I'm starting to feel slowly weird around him. Everytime the plan ends, I leave feeling like complete shit. As this progresses, I'm slowly becoming more unconfident, like my point of view never matters. Like I have no talent
>I start to hang out with more and different people. I start to get close to some people that were just acquaintances, and I start to get closer to some friends
>Funnily enough, I don't have any of these feelings when I hang out with this people. I have fun with them, we do lots of things, and they help me grow my self-confidence. I always leave them feeling full of energy...
>... energy that leaves whenever I meet this one best friend I'm talking about (Let's call him A)
>The final Straw comes last friday, when during a party with A, he starts to annoy me and dig into some of my insecurities, and I end up leaving the party because I'm no longer in the mood. People tell me to stay, but I'm just no longer in the mood
>Following days I meet with other friends and I tell them my situation. And they both aggreed on something: This looks like a very toxic relationship


I've been swallowing the bullshit this "friend" has put me through because he's a friend, and I loved him, but it's just something so overwhelming... He's someone so grey. He's always cynical and disgusting with people (not in a hygienic way, but in a rude way) He's always trying to put me down when I achieve something, and it's something I've been refusing to believe (telling to myself it was all my imagination) becuase I don't really believe why would he do something like that!

What I'm going to do with this friend, /adv/?

Even my ex girlfriend kind of warned me about him, when we were still dating, "You're a loyal guy, Anon, you're a good friend, but I feel like he doesn't deserve your loyalty..."
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>>16452325

this isn't unusual. sometimes it happens after 20 years of a great friendship because things change. there is always the chance your friend needs help, but if he refuses to be helped you can't really stand by him.

we meet people and we use them to help us grow and develop, and at some point people stop helping each other grow and develop. at that time the friendships usually dissolve. as much as i want to believe the romantic idea of best friends for life, even the strongest ones have to end at some point.

so id suggest ending it with him. it sounds like hes become a bad person to be with and treats you like a bit of a sidekick. as long as he can put you down, he will feel like he is superior to you. so anytime you accomplish something, especially something he hasn't, he needs to put you down to maintain that 'at least im better than OP' mentality.

it sucks but here we are. good luck anon. try giving him the boot and just see what happens. sometimes people fix themselves and things can go back to normal. regardless if this keeps up, please do leave him.
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>>16452325
I'm re-reading my thread, and I feel like it's incomplete. There's way too much shit I haven't explained.

>Last friday he tells me "Because you don't have a job and you're finishing your studies, and I have 2 jobs, I feel like we don't have much to talk about. I don't like movies and you don't like cinema..." After dropping that he just got back to the party and I left.
>It's been a while since I started feeling like I would rather stay home than go out with him to parties. He works in a big club and we always get there for free, VIP pass and all that shit. We know everyone there. And sometimes I feel like I'll rather stay home than go out with him. This friday there's gonna be a big party in this club, and for the first time in years, I'm going to stay home
>We had a fight a year ago because I started to hang out casually with a girl he hates. He told me, during one of these club parties "I don't feel like I can trust you anymore because you hang out with this girl" and he came back to the party. I left, and shortly after I found out he deleted me from facebook and all social networks. of course he added me later, still I couldn't get angry because I thought that was so silly and childish...


Like those, there's lot of little things. Little things I went through because he was a friend....
>>
Bounce. You're trying to weigh action against the history of the friendship, as though that history hasn't yet paid its dividends. It has. You enjoyed years of a good and happy friendship with him. That enjoyment was the reward. Now the joy has ended and so has the time to keep fighting for the friendship. Yesterday it was good. Today it is not. Act on today.
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>>16452346
It's exactly what you said. This last months, because it got really impossible not to notice, I felt like I was his "sidekick". A friend of mine told me something that defines this even better, when telling her the whole situation she told me "Man this sounds like a relationship, and that's not good". Like, he and I we go to places and social events, but it's always social events where he knows everyone and I don't. And he never introduces me to people. And I always felt like "i'm here just because i'm with him". That's part of the reason i'mnot going to this friday's party, the party I mention on this post >>16452351. And it's a fucking shame because in that party there's lots of friends and good people I always enjoy seeing. But I won't be going, because I always get there for free because I know everyone, and I know by a chance that this friend thinks he's the sole reason I'm always there.

He treates me like shit. I felt, for a long time, it was my fault. And it is, but for different reasons. It's not because I'm really untalented, like he tries to make me feel, criticizing everything I do. It's because I've depended too much on him, instead of opening myself to more people and hanging out with them... (wich I'm doing now, and it gives me great pleasure because I love people and being surrounded by them)


So I gotta ask you, how does one boot such a long lasting relationship? I just... don't feel like sitting down with him and explaining. He's a very manipulative one, and it's not for fear of being manipulated, but because I just no longer feel like approaching him. He's like draining my energy...
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>>16452325
>>16452351

Fuck this guy. Whatever friendship you might've had in the past, it's done now. He doesn't respect you, he uses you as a punching bag and a prop to make him feel better about himself.

You don't owe him anything. Do what's best for you. It sounds like you've already figured it out.
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>>16452361
Again, I must ask: How do you boot a relationship so long lasting? I don't have a problem cutting with things that hurt me or are bad for me, but this, while being all those, is different since it's been so much time...

I feel like he's going to try and talks things out, and I don't blame him because it's what two people would do to fix something instead of breaking it, but I just don't want... We've been there before, many times. And things never take progress. He still treats me like shit. And I don't deserve that. I have a talent. I'm good at something. I'm a warm person, and people like me. It's not the way around, like he's been trying to make me think all these years
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>>16452363

i imagine there is no real wrong way to boot him. i mean if hes a douche to you there is no need to explain that to him, but there is going to be confrontation at some point. there are several ways to do it.

perhaps im a puss, but i like to just do it by text to save time. next time they text asking to hang out i just say 'sorry bud, this just isn't working for me anymore'.

the best thing you can do is not engage. write down no more than 3 simple sentences and never explain beyond those.

for instance
>sorry man, this isn't working anymore
>things arent like how they used to be, and I feel very abused by you
>I don't want to hang out anymore, good luck in life.

if he tries to ask things like 'HOW AM I ABUSING YOU ANON!!?'

DONT respond. no matter what you say he will disagree and go on to abuse you for saying that. just ignore him. block him on your cell, block him on facebook, that sort of thing.

if you engage him it will only spiral out of control.
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>>16452369

the thing is, there is no right way to do this. you have to do whatever you feel comfortable with. if you absolutely just need to avoid conflict (and i dont blame you or think less of you if you do, this guys a prick) then simply send him a text that is very simple like i outlined here:
>>16452374

and NEVER engage beyond that. he will try to rope you in for an apology or a fight. you simply cant respond. block him on your phone if you have that function (most do) but never ever ever respond to him.
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>>16452369
>How do you boot a relationship so long lasting?
By becoming unavailable for it. It'll wither on its own.

> it's been so much time...
This is what I was driving at before. You need to stop thinking that the time and history has any value. It did back when you were enjoying it. That was when you experienced the value. What I'm saying is that you're falling for the sunk cost fallacy, in that you believe past actions have present value. You don't keep dumping money into a jalopy of a car just because "I've already spent so much on it." Yeah, you spent money in the past. That gave you a working car in the past. You bought that time on the road with that money. You can't keep defending more expenditure just to recuperate more value for your spent cash. You paid, you drove, it's over. You weight the current situation only on the current situation's merit.

>I feel like he's going to try and talks things out
"Look man, I'm not accountable to you. I told you that I'm not free to hang out/party/whatever. That's going to have to be enough of an answer for you. The rest is my business."

If you want to believe all of those positive things about yourself, you're also going to need the confidence to stand up for such a respectable person.
>>
>>16452374
>>16452381
>>16452385

I asked a friend of mine on what to do, and he told me that by his own anti-radical nature, he prefered not to cut things like that, and thought that whatever happened, time would distance us.

As much as I aggree with him, I also really aggre with you and with other anons in a key part: Don't engage him. I might sound like a huge wuss, but I'm scared of engaging him and fall again for his shit.

But it needs to be done. I just don't believe I've been through all this shit with one I called "friend". When at the same time, there was people out there that are always helping me, like this guy that's helping me get into an internship position and just wrote me today saying "I wrote the director I'm working with for your internship, and he told me that you can write him whenever you want, that he will find you something" and even go as far as to end the message saying "I'll call you up tonight so I can help you out about the email thing". or other friends that have showed me that in fact, I'm not as cold and unfriendly as I always thought I was. That In fact, I'm a very warm person. That I make people feel special. That I have a talent (In the meantime, I always end up leaving early in places I wanted to stay because this friend would come to me and say "you should hurry up and do something, you're not doing anything with your life and you're wasting time")


Jesus, how come I've been so damm blind.


Thank you all for your advice. Can you believe that, for so much time, I believed it was all my fault and that's why I never gave him the boot? Thankfully there's people out there that have showed me how wrong I am. I feel things can only go right for me from now on. I was starting to feel like I was getting drained of everything I had. I was starting to feel like I wasn't going to be able to get where I wanted to be as long as I had that leech on my back
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>>16452402

drop him like an egg then. its hard to give people the boot after good times.

i had a roommate that i quickly became great friends with, but for three months he did nothing but yell at me. i was afraid to leave my room when he was home because of how confrontational he'd become, tearing down everything about me. finally wised up and just kicked him outt. surprised i spent 3 months waiting for him to stop, but we all want to believe if our friends are being bad that something is 'wrong' and they can fix it, or we can fix it with them.

but sometimes they let that problem destroy their friendship.

good luck anon
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>>16452414
It's funny because, something similar happened to me: I was afriad of giving my opinion, of expresing myself, of being creatively open with him. I was afraid because he criticizes everything I did, EVERYTHING. It got to a point in wich I felt I wasn't supported by him.


Thanks for the wishes. And for the help, Anons. The fact this happens to you once doesn't mean all your friendships are going to be like this, right?
>>
he sounds like BPD.

maybe try not hanging out as often and see if it fizzles on its own. he needs to work some shit out for himself.
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>>16452437

not precisely like this, but like i mentioned earlier, the idea of friendships lasting forever is almost as silly as thinking that romance can last forever.

at some point people grow beyond one another. your friends you have when you are really old are likely not to be the friends you had in your thirties, and the friends you have in your thirties are not likely to be the ones you had in your 20s, etc.

while our best friend may last through highschool, college divides you, then you move for work, then you marry and lose touch and hang out with other couples or neighbors... things change.

not all friendships end as negatively as this one, but if they dont end due to external forces, they end due to internal ones. other people might become jerks cuz their marriage is imploding, their career is imploding, or life simply isn't going anywhere. sometimes you get to the point where they are comfortable being themselves, and their jerk side comes out. sometimes you become the jerk for your own reasons.

just remember that 'something isn't beautiful because it lasts' according to age of ultron. enjoy things while they last. once they end, look back fondly.
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>>16452437
>The fact this happens to you once doesn't mean all your friendships are going to be like this, right?
Of course not. It might be tough for a while, though. The friend who said this "sounds like a relationship" was right, even if not very insightful (because duh). Breaking up with such a close friend can be harder than with a lover, and in both cases it will suck for a minute. You'll be stronger for it afterwards.
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>>16452455
What "BPD" stands for?

And yes, he really has a lot of issues to solve. He's the kind that goes from girl to girl, always avoiding to be on his own. I remember on a very drunk night he told me, in tears "I just need to be with someone to feel like I'm myself. I'm not myself until I'm with someone"

And like those, I could tel you many more that could actually have warned me about this income. Even my ex-girlfriend saw something weird.


I'm kind of scared of not having friends to hang out with, to not be able to make friends again, but that's not true. It is anyway best to be alone than in this bad company just because it's a "company", or that's what I feel like
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>>16452512
Borderline Personality Disorder
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml#part_145389

I was in a mentally abusive relationship that has haunted me, but you're right that "it's best to be alone than in this bad company".
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>>16452512
>It is anyway best to be alone than in this bad company

thats actually one of my favorite quotes, glad to see other wise anons out there that notice how bad it is for people to be so dependent on others.

perhaps this is the best thing you can do for him OP. leave him to his own devices and he may just have to try and figure out who he is again.
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The problem with toxic friendships is they eventually make BOTH people toxic.

The insecurity that he makes you feel could easily bleed over into other relationships, and have people noticing. They might not say anything about it, but it could change the way they see and treat you.

It sounds like you are the guy that he keeps around to try and make himself feel better. These types of people absolutely thrive on comparison, and hardly function at all without it.

The fact that you feel bad, or drained, after interacting with him should be a sign. I feel you big time on this one OP, because I am going through something very similar.
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>>16452660
You are in the same stage as I, or you're getting out? Or have you got out? if so, how did you do it?

At the beginning I didn't took much importance in the fact I was feeling bad/drained/pessimistic after interacting too much with him. Thought it was all in my imagination/I was me. But after interacting with more people, and notice how great I feel after being with them, I started to take it into consideration...

Hell! There was a time, last month, during 3 weeks this "friend" was out of town. I had to spend the time either with myself, or with other people I was getting to know. It wasn't my comfortable zone, but boy if it was rewarding to go out and get to meet this people.


Then, he came back, and I felt like I could manage him while going on my business. But for some reason, he sucked me dry again... (no homo)
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>>16452737
I'm trying to get out, but it's alot easier said than done. Well, I suppose it's really not, all I have to do is cut contact, but the mental barriers are lame.

It doesn't help that all my other friends have moved on to married life, and don't do anything besides sleep, work, and wife - but that's really more my problem in how it effects me.

One thing I am working on to help myself through this, is to keep things to myself. I'm known for being very giving when it comes to advantages I learn in life. If I learn how to make money, or get in better shape, or anything at all, I share it. The favor is never returned, and so I know keep ALL advantages to myself.
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>>16452325
>What I'm going to do with this friend, /adv/?
Call him out on it, tell him "you're being a bit of a cunt pal" and calmly let him know why he is pissing you off.
He will then do 1 of 2 things
>"Oh shit sorry man I didn't realise" and things will slowly improve.
or
>"Lol you crybaby faggot" and you just see him less until you drift apart.
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