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For a while now I've felt a strong desire for something

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For a while now I've felt a strong desire for something unknown. We've all felt this I'm sure; like a feeling of being unwhole and not knowing what it is we need, but knowing we do need it desperately. My religious faith has a lot to say about this and I try to apply those teachings however possible, but I would be lying if I said I was the perfect practitioner. There are some ways I've grown exceptionally in my faith, and in others I'm quite lacking. And sometimes the practice doesn't seem to translate into the culture here so well.

Not too long ago I was seriously suicidal, and at the lowest point of my life. I've healed a lot since then. Making A's in school now, not suicidal, and working toward a better future. It goes better some days than others. Throughout this time, I've largely been alone. I didn't want to talk to people. It was better being alone. And besides, I was taught to accept my circumstances and move forward without getting caught up in the things I didn't have. Like friends, or love. I came to make friends with my loneliness and this worked well, in terms of the healing process. Things were quiet and I had the opportunity to perform sober-minded introspection without distraction.

Even so, sometimes I got really lonely. And sometimes I did unwholesome things, like looking online for someone to fuck me. It's always easy to find a guy, even as a transsexual. I'm attractive enough for sure. But these times were usually very awkward, and definitely left me feeling unsatisfied and hurt. Sexual misconduct, in that I was in a way raping myself. It's not okay to hurt yourself, and this is a lesson I've failed to learn over and over again.

Now I'm back to feeling very lonely, and while I know I can be friends with my loneliness and accept the solitude with an open heart I think I need to do something more. People think I'm weird and I guess I am. It's hard relating with them now, and I used to have lots of friends.

character limit
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I've always been a pretty quiet person, but when practicing in a community I really came to know the power and importance of silence. We spent days at a time in silence, sitting together. Eating meals in silence and communicating silently.

It's a beautiful opportunity to pay attention to your mind, as well as learn how to sort of FEEL one another. Speaking has its benefits, but silent exchanges seem in many ways more fulfilling and open. Just sitting in someone else's presence can be a beautiful experience.

But back out in the "real world", I've felt more disconnected than ever with people. Silence makes people feel uncomfortable, and I've noticed that instead of experiencing a moment of silence with a curious presence other people get scared and say inane things to fill the void that never really existed to begin with. Like I said, people think I'm weird. This all sort of compounds my social problems.

I don't know that this will make any sense to anyone else. I'm asking for advice sort of, but feel fairly confident that no one will know how to respond or maybe even what the problem is. I have trouble understanding it myself. There's a lot more I could write but I don't know what would be helpful for you to know.

Assuming the thread doesn't die without a single reply, I'll be here to answer any questions you might have about um. This stuff.
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Oh for some reason I wanted to add that while I seem to be doing better, it feels like I'm one mistake away from falling back to where I was. Losing my job, failing my classes, trying to kill myself. Like I'm doing everything right outwardly, but inwardly everything right on the edge of total destruction.

And I've tried making online friends to sort of alleviate the loneliness, but it never feels real. I think the experiences of closeness in silence and meditation have sort of shown me just how lacking online social experiences are.

And like. The personalities we present online are obviously not our true selves. We carefully construct these online identities and work to maintain them. We do similar things in person of course, but there is some authenticity in real interactions that just can't be faked.

So I guess maybe what I want is a real person to talk to. One that maybe would understand me, and be okay with us not talking constantly. I really wish there were a decent (or even crappy) sangha where I live, but I would need to travel to find one and that is just not possible.

Sometimes I think I maybe should just give myself over to monastic life, but I don't think I'm really ready for it. And I don't know which places would be willing to ordain a trans girl. I know there's a Zen center in San Fransico I could join, but Zen is a little too hardcore for me. Not very into that.
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Let's try a bump.
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what was going through your mind when you were pursuing sex online? IDK, it made me sad to read that.
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>>16450365
>I don't know that this will make any sense to anyone else.
Makes perfect sense to me. I've gone through very similar stuff and feel the same way, and it's really been getting to me lately. If you're still watching the thread feel free to contact me, [email protected]
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>>16450817
She's mine

Fuck off gispy
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>>16450386
>And I don't know which places would be willing to ordain a trans girl.
>>>/lgbt/
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>>16450386
>The personalities we present online are obviously not our true selves.
>not our true selves
>selves
Nah. I'm a fat neckbeard elitist weeaboo who like to pretend he is a little girl.
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You're making me a little less worried about my yeson surgery, haha.

I totally get what you're saying. Though, maybe I'm the opposite in some ways. I love chatting with people endlessly online but anywhere else, sure I love company, but I wish I wouldn't have to talk; it makes me feel weird and insecure and absolutely false. Don't think I'd change my whole life for the sake of eventually enjoying seclusion but I wish I could get better friends with it. But even more so I wish I could be myself on the outside, as in... Well, the person I'm online, I guess.
Irl I built a huge protective shell around myself and I know how to take the path of least resistance with people, or to blend in, but that's absolutely not what I want but I can't shed it. If people saw that other person, I believe my life would be very different.
I've known loneliness to the point of almost forgetting my language but usually I was okay with it. Not happy, but it worked.
Trans too, in case Yeson wasn't hint enough.
Was nice to read someone feels somewhat the same, though I disagree about online-me not being myself.

>>16451056
Ha, nope. Any other board minus /pol/ is better than that place.
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>>16451036
Man, I just want someone to talk to.
Thread posts: 11
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