Archived threads in /adv/ - Advice - 735. page

Write to her.

"Hi" is a very good start.

>>18589642
You probably
A. Were younger
B. Were already more capanle of being happy
C. Were more prepared to fall in love with someone

Now you're getting older, but not old enough to peak financially. You want to be happy, but it's harder as you learn more about the world and accepting the aftermath of your loss. Deep down loving someone else is defeat to you, because you are still attached to someone who is gone.

>>18589672
I don't really know how I would get in contact with her, she dosnt have any social media accounts and even if I could contact her would she even want to hear form me. She was the catalyst for turning my life around and I want to prove to her that I'm better now.

>>18589625
You are on a narcotic. You're dealing with a medical condition. Why are you worried? Are you having trouble with the opiates, like dependance?

>>18589692
Did you read the entire OP? My landlady upset because she thinks I am on drugs and messy, when in actuality I am on drugs and messy because I have 4 severe medical conditions. I don't know how to talk to her about it. This isn't about whether I'm legally/morally in the wrong, I need to improve my relationship with her.

>>18589699
Landlady? I thought it was your mom. You can tell her you're on opiates for a condition, or you can tell her nothing. It's your business. She saw you high, unfortunately, and there's not much to do about that. Sorry.

Both i think

I might be a bit biased since I had two exes leave me for the exes that they (((just friends with))) on social media. If they're not part of your life anymore, don't keep them on social media. Facebook shouldn't be a friends pokedex.

>>18589639
I suppose they aren't mutually exclusive or contradictory, I should have been more more specific in saying that I'm speaking in reference to the pain you get from seeing them on social media and other reminders in the environment

I used to be where you are. I had lost my interest in programming and started to not go on my laptop as much. You know what I did? I just started to work out as it was something new and now I've joined the Military and have some of the most amazing friends. But that's just me.

>>18589618
>i can't find a single project that i want to work on
Uh, you see that picture next to your post? If you really can't even find one of those interesting enough to do, maybe you're not cut out to be a programmer. You don't seem to actually want to do it, it sounds more like people told you you'd be good at it.

>>18589618

I am just starting studiyng concrete math, I am completely on my own, no college, nothing. I have no job so I do it to keep me sane, maybe someday it will become a job.

The feeling is to be completely lost, and to have to sacrifice every single fraction of your human life to achieve, maybe, something.

Yes, someone can help you. A therapist. Are you in treatment?

>>18589610
I have a therapist. She's only suggested things like mindfulness. Which is helpful. but I don't feel like its enough. Why am I like this .fuck.

>>18589586

It's ok, honey; you're perfect :^)

>>18589546
You can still have support from both of your parents even if they're separated or divorced. It seems like you only want your parents to stay together because it would make things easier for you, but their lives are their own. If they aren't happy and want to divorce, that's their decision.

>>18589546
>I really want them to stay together,
I know, but maybe it's best that they don't for themselves. It is sad.

>>18589546
>but I'm still afraid she might do something stupid in her current state.
Do you know another family member that is neutral that can help or a least you can raise your concerns with? Or someone in your community? Maybe get some helpline numbers together? Mental health advice lines and the local sheriff.

Keep living as best you an and hopefully it will pass.

>>18589561
It's not only about support, I'm not selfish to the point I'd want to stay with my parents just because it would ease things for me.
It's about having a stable household, about having them rationalize things and discuss in a civilized manner. And I know they won't be necessarily happier if they divorce, and that their issues can easily be sorted out if they just took enough time and effort to address them together.
We would have been in one hell of a mess if every fight resulted in divorce.

First things first. Is this only a matter of feelings fading? If so, have you been productive in trying to "keep the spark alive" (like keep doing romantic things and treating each other like lovers at least occasionally)?

Or are there other issues like incompatibility, not feeling like you can live the life you want with her by your side or like she brings out the sides of you that you enjoy? It is normal for fluttery feelings to ebb and flow in a very long term relationship. But if you have stayed together through that and you still feel like something changed for the worse, chances are the decline in feelings isn't random but due to friction that is hard to reconcile. In that case, you can absolutely tell her those things. Also, difficult as it is, what she wants is probably not a guy she loves doing his plight by staying with her despite not reciprocating her most intimate feelings.

How long have you been together?

>>18589541

Thank you for the response.

We have been dating for 3 years. 6 months into our relationship, I got a job in another city - we decided that we would try long distance for a few months. After that, she found a job in the same city and moved in with me.

She has not changed at all since we started dating, so I can't say that my change of heart is her fault. She has been the same person from the beginning.

When we first met, I was unemployed, living with my parents, and depressed. I wanted to make something of myself and I felt like I was failing at it.

Over the past few years, I made a conscious "self improvement" effort. Finding a job, trying to focus on hobbies and learning, getting in shape, etc. To her credit, she supported me 100% the whole way through. I feel good about myself now, and I owe part of that to her love and support. (1/3)

>>18589686

However, now I've noticed that I somewhat resent her for not wanting to do the same thing for herself. She is content to just go to work, come home, smoke weed and watch TV and go to bed - rinse & repeat. I try to get her to go to the gym with me and it's like pulling teeth. I encourage her to pursue her old hobbies (singing and music, I even offered to buy her private lessons) and she comes up with flimsy excuses why she can't. I know the truth is she just doesn't want to.

In short, I know that her #1 goal and ambission in life is to marry me and have my kids and be my housewife. I know a lot of guys would kill for a girl like her, but it bothers me that she has no ambition and no desire to be anything more than my wife. It's unattractive to me. As a side note, I recognize this might come from her family, because her mom is hyper-subservient and is basically a housewife to her dad and brother.

In any case, I just can't shake the feeling that I want more from our relationship. I want to support her and help her achieve her goals, but she basically has none. I want us to do things together besides get high and watch movies and fuck. I realize this sounds like a non-problem to some people, but trust me, it gets old after a few years. (2/3)

It always boggles my mind when people ask if college is worth it in a country where college is fucking free

and even if you live in Poland or something where unis are shit, you can usually get into good German universities for close to no cost

just man up and if you don't have any real interests just fucking get a bachelor's in engineering or something, there's no way you will regret the extra job opportunities

>>18589505
College isn't free here once you've failed already. It's about 5000 a year.

To get a bachelor's in engineering I'd have to change course again, something I said I didn't want to do. Also maths isn't my strong point. Admittedly engineering looks very interesting but I probably wouldn't be very good at it.

>>18589505
The university I'm in is a good one too but the way the course is taught is just...awful.

So I failed the second semester. I got like an Email or something.

So they gave me a chance to resit over the summer. I took 4 weeks off work to just work on my portfolio. I handed it in again and they still failed me.

I understand you can't see the work I did and so have to take my word for it that it wasn't terrible. But can you think of any other subject where after doing 4 weeks of work you couldn't improve by a single fucking grade?

I literally worked constantly for those 4 weeks.

>>18589449

Just tell him this
>I'm tired of trying and being upset over him and hoping things will get better.
Dump him and move on. Focus on yourself until you're better and then look for someone better suited than him. Simple as that.

>>18589449
Why did he ask for a break?

Also, I feel like you've been denying your needs in order to avoid pushing him away. We all rely on our partner for comfort and security, and when it feels like they don't or can't provide that, we either get really upset and angry, or we withdraw and pretend we don't care or don't have any needs at all. But they're there. We all long for touch, affection, closeness, and when we don't get it we feel abandoned, isolated, invisible, starving for emotional connection

>>18589477
First he claimed depression, then he pulled all these excuses out of his ass and blamed me for stupid arguments even though he was equally at fault.

I want to work on things and even though I didn't want it, I thought a break would help so I agreed to it but I'm slowly realizing he's just not making any effort at all while I'm here trying to improve myself by getting help, staying sober, working out, etc. I do have a tendency to put others needs before mine but the abandonment issues are slowly arising.

The sadness will always be there. Even when people are angry, there's always sadness, fear, shame, some type of pain, lying underneath.

>>18589406
Not helping anon.

Idk, just get angery..
Angery at the thing that made you mad, Angery that you're sad all the time, angers that you're being a little bitch for even being sad in the first place...
Either that or listen to music that will get you a very instead of sad

reply

>>18589375


... did you come to 4chan to ask for spiritual vocation guidance?

...okay.

well... Whats your current relationship with Jesus feel like?

>>18589487
If I approached anyone of my friends irl with this topic I would be mocked, at least here it's anonymous.

>>18589348
do like the worldstar videos and go beat her up for talking to your man lol

Lol I DON'T wanna end up in jail thanks for the laugh tho

>>18589348
He stops what he's doing to read her messages? He's the one you have a problem with not her. Try being more interesting l...

if you have the financial means, and it makes you happy, fuck em.

i'll warn you, its a deep rabbit hole restoring cars....

a satisfactory paint job on that is going to come in close to $10k if you want it to last.

>>18589326
If the car means that much to you, get it. If not, then you wouldnt feel much if it were gone. You don't have to gain the respect of others if you have self respect. Trying to cater to mass appeal only discourages oneself. Just do what makes you happy really.

As for the car, get her in running condition i guess. Finding oem parts can be a hassle for older cars mate. /o/ can sometimes help, but don't count on it. If you can find an engine that can be placed in there with little work, little fabrication and more obtainable parts, then i would go that route.

>>18589326

External respect aside, i would do it for the uncle. To honor him and for his memory.

This reason is so good and honorable on its own that it outweighs all else imo.

You cant fix dysfunctional people, learn to judge people and start living your own life. Get some self respect man you cant be wasted like that.

People are selfish.

Just because you gave something to someone does not mean they will return the favor.

These are life lessons you need to learn. I don't know the circumstances of what happened here, but it seems like you're being overly dramatic.

If you don't expect much from people, you won't be disappointed when they fuck you over.

Make people earn your trust and love. When you give it away too freely, this is what happens.

>>18589306
Everybody's going to hurt you, you just have to find the one worth suffering for

>>18589303
tell him to get in shape. give him a ultimatum

>>18589310
He makes excuses. He's been really overweight for 3 years now. I feel guilty because I don't want to hurt me but at the same time, I really need to feels sexy and desirable and when we're having sex he literally crushes my body and he's so gross I feel violated

>>18589303
you guys aren't married and don't have any kids so there is no reason for you to stay. Leave.