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Need help figuring out what I want and if I'm being unreasonable or not.
Short story:
-with wife for 6 years, married for 1
-rocky relationship: few shared interests, constant fights about domestic responsibilities, resentment over one thinking the other contributes less to the relationship
- still a really good team if we try to be, but it has been getting harder
- she supported me through grad school, so there is a feeling of "owing" her
- she has been approaching me over the last few months saying that we need to fix things or accept that it won't work, I was in denial, didn't want to consider divorce despite my misgivings about us
Within the last month:
- connected with long-time friend who is, in terms of interests and personality, nearly a twin
- unexpectedly developed feelings for each other, fell in love
- saw my marriage as rotten, was planning to end it but started to get cold feet when I saw how painful the idea of it was to my wife, my family (but no kids yet)
- her husband found her texts, freaked out, but he said he wanted to work it out
- was determined to tell my wife it was over, but chickened out because I went to family for advice and they told me I had to fix my marriage, and I was scared of leaving my marriage if she was going to stay in hers (I know, I should leave a bad marriage regardless)
Now:
- agonizing about not choosing my friend
- still talk to her everyday, she's bitter I didn't pick her, but we still love each other
- convinced I should do counseling with my wife to end it "peacefully"
- friend thinks I'm lying to myself and that the option I've chosen above is really choosing to try to fix my marriage
- agonize about what I should do hourly, love my friend more than I've ever loved anyone, but hate the idea of hurting my wife more, because I still care about her
What the fuck? I either, a) know what I want but I'm not pulling the trigger, or b) I can't figure myself out, or c) no idea.
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In essence, I want to choose her, so what's stopping me?
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You are in a bad marriage with someone you don't love. Regardless of what's going on with your friend, you will ruin your life (and your wife's life, and any future children you might have) if you keep this going. You need to end it. You already know that.
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>>17254956
So how do I accept that and say it? How do I commit to that path?
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Hey.
I am suffering from depression, it kicked in about 3 weeks ago when my only friend started ignoring me for no reason. Ive talked to him about it and he says it just happened but he dtill considers me his friend.
My mother was mentally abusing me until i moved out and I had severe depression while living with her, having the support of a friend helped greatly.
Now I have no friends, no family and when I try talking to my friend he just says "Why do you have to be so boring?" He completely ignored the fact that I have depression and is hanging out with the people he "hated" before.
I dont know what to do and I usually play games when I feel bad, I want to give up on getting him back but he was a great friend who has helped me through a lot.
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If possible please keep the thread alive, I am currently on my phone with 1% battery but I am 10 minutes away from home.
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How did your friend help you?
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>>17255031
He often came to my house and talked with my mom since she wouldnt listen to me. Sometimes when things got out of hand he helped me get out of the house.
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So last night my downstairs neighbor called the cops on us citing us smoking weed. The Cops came and we didn't let them in but they asked a few questions outside (in a bored manner, like why the fuck am I here) then left. They obviously didn't see or smell anything. Apparently this isn't the first time they have been called but it's the first time the police confronted us.
Now a bit of background. We're 9 months into our lease in a 1 year lease. They are in maybe the 2nd month of theirs. A couple weeks back the guy came to our door saying a "cigarette butt: fell through the cracks and hit their daughter on the head. I answered the door and apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. The roommate of mine who does smoke offered to sweep any cigarette butt that may have fallen through off their porch the next day then gave him his number just in case they had any other concerns. Then 2 weeks later or so they call the police on us, without calling us or voicing their concerns to us.
Now we do in fact smoke pot outside, but we are on the top floor and we don't make loud rackets or bother anyone. We now keep the porch clean and we smoke bowls and no joints. We decided to start smoking in the bathroom instead of going outside.
Now they apparently leave their door open and are hell bent on catching us. We never complain when they are being loud or their kids are loud but they don't appear to want to offer the same courtesy to us with us smoking a little weed.
What can we further do about the situation? The cops aren't going to keep coming out here for a weed smell and we are not in any way trafficking as we don't have people coming and going.
It may be past us just talking since they are so quick to call the cops. What do?
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Make a "dick" or "sploof"
>get plastic bottle
>get dryer sheets
>put 4 large holes in the bottom of the bottle
>stuff said bottle with dryer sheets
>exhale marjuana smoke thru said bottle
Much like my mother when I was in high school, they wont suspect a thing.
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>>17254890
Hey that's cool. Why is it called a dick?
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>>17254835
as the other anon said, a sploof is a good option. another option is to say fuck them, bad neighbors are part of life. the cops can't legally do anything unless you open the door and they see a bong or something.
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I have a question about the age old advice of he yourself
How do you know who you are ?
If it's the things you like , the what if the things you like are negative ? (Ie being negative all the time )
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>>17254790
>How to be yourself
The real trick is in understanding that you first have to BUILD yourself. We're born with half a psyche at best. Freud called it the id, while Jung called it the shadow, but whole Jung was less moralistic about things, they referred to the same concept: the self as the sum of one's impulses, the "lizard brain".
Over top of this, the theory goes, we are to build the free-willed individual who, while subject to these impulses, is not a slave to them: Freud's ego, Jung's persona. Only once you've fleshed one of these out can the concept of "being yourself" really apply.
The main problem with the way we present "be yourself" as advice in this day and age is that we present it to kids too young: before the self has fully developed, and thus before they can really understand the advice. Some take it to mean "never change", but the concept of building a self is all ABOUT change, and so they come to reject selfcraft as inauthentic. Others take it to mean "never alter your behavior for the sake of others", but this robs them of the ability to make accommodations for others in their lives: something we all need to do.
But I digress. The point is that before you can be yourself, you must build something to be.
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>>17254816
What should I build to be ?
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>>17254820
A firetruck maintenance. It's best job out there for depress
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>catch a cold
>home sick
>usually drinking tea helps me breathe
>not today
what do you do to breathe when you ahve a cold? this is suffering.
please no 'WELL GOOGLE SAYS'
what worked specifically for you only please.
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Lemon water usually clears mucus, but if it's an issue with your lungs, it' an issue with your lungs and there isn't much that's going to help that.
Depending on whether your asthmatic, you could go to a doctor and get nebulized if it's posing a significant issue. Otherwise, just treating the root cause will lighten the symptoms.
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>>17254776
Steam, vaporub, tiger balm around the nose.
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>>17254787
thanks. makes sense, i take a lot of showers cuz of the steam. just bought a humidifier and hope it helps.
Anonymous
fun things make me sick 2016-06-14 15:20:10 Post No.17254689
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fun things make me sick 2016-06-14 15:20:10 Post No.17254689
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I don't know what the hell is going on but I need advice- whenever I have something im looking forward to coming up. I get sick to my stomach. Whenever I fly, I get sick before getting on the plane, before i go play paintball I get sick before the game starts, when I hang out with girls, I get sick. It's really pissing me off!!! I don't know why this happens and it's driving me crazy!!
The last time I flew, I felt absolutely fine all morning. But like 20min before the flight I get really sick and went and threw up in the airport bathroom. I almost missed my flight. I'm NOT scared of flying. I like flying, it's nothing new to me. I fly pretty often. Yet for some fucking reason I can't explain. I get sick before I board the plane. it doesn't make any sense.
Everytime I go play paintball I get sick to my gut before the game starts. And paintball is one of my favorite activities..
girls... Jesus Christ it's hell. Last time I met a girl. I was impressed with myself because I was feeling ok at first when we met up. And everything was going great. Then we went and got lunch.... I embarrassed the fuck out of myself. I couldn't eat anything. Literally, I couldn't even force food down. I'd take a SMALL bite of pasta and I wouldn't be able to swallow it. It felt like there was a wall in my throat preventing it. So I'd actually have to fucking force it down. Painfully. I actually started choking a bit. She asked if I was ok I said yes. Then 10min later I went to the bathroom and threw up and emptied my bowles into the toilet. SHE ended up finishing my plate (she's a fit girl too, but she could put food away) and I was so fucking embarrassed. I still am from that. but that same thing has happened before too.
Help me. I don't understand why this happens to me when I try to do good things
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Bro it sounds like you're getting anxiety.
What you have explained is pretty much how it started for me as well, except instead of flying it was trains.
Most cases of anxiety start because of an underlying reason , but there are many people like myself where it just starts out of the blue for no reason, and that is half the problem, when you look for an answer and find nothing, it sends you into a massive overthinking stage where you question everything.
I tried breathing techniques, talking to my family, doctors, every drug you can think of, nothing really fixes it, but you can reduce the severity of it with some meds.
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>>17254696
I just don't want to take medication. I don't understand why I get like this. It makes me nervous because I have 2 vacations coming up. And I don't want to be sick the whole time. One of my flights is First Class. I want to be able to enjoy it all
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>>17254689
This is a very common syndrome - in little kids. I'm not putting you down. I'm pointing out that little kids, without what might be called speed-control on their emotions, very often get so excited about upcoming events that they become over-excited and ill.
As we grow up, most of us develop a sense of "This is exciting but not all that exciting" that enables us to handle most things. (But not all - I'd love to see the statistics for brides who throw up the morning of their wedding).
You need help in reminding yourself "This is exciting and it is normal for me to be excited. But it is within my familiar experience of excitement and therefore not overwhelming." A mild tranquilizer before you fly might do it, or a session of just sitting alone and reminding yourself "I've been paintballing before. It will be fun but nothing I can't handle".
If this affects too many different things, a short course in therapy - not deep analysis but just fix-this-problem counseling - might be worth it.
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Anyone else had a problem with dust in their room? Even if I polish every object and vacuum, the dust will return quickly. I don't have a carpet or drapes, no clothes lying around, I just have a bed. Is there no other way to prevent it other than dusting every 2 days?
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>>17254688
Do you have a fan or vents in your room?
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>>17254694
No but I leave the windows open all day. If I don't it gets really, really hot.
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>>17254697
Where do you live? Is your region heavy with pollen or other allergens? Your window might be letting that sort of thing in.
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Hi /adv/, I really need help. I just recently turned 18 y/o, I'm living with a shit mother who verbally abuses me, pushes me down and put her weight on my shoulders. She's not working, she hasn't been for as long as I remember and she gets support from something called the Norwegian Labour and Welfare Administration, and constantly complains.
What I need help with is that, I can't live under the same roof as her. I can't contront her because her shitty excuse of a boyfriend will jump in to defend her. And my grandparents wont help either.
I'm still in school, and I wont get a loan if I live to close to my mom. I've applied for jobs but still no luck. It's all just going to hell. I need some help.
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Any friends you can stay with? Do you have a car? The first step is to really focus and get s job. In the meantime, spend as much time as possible away from your house. Stay at school for as long as you can, hang out with your friends, go camping, go to the library. Get a girlfriend who has a car. As soon as you get a job, save up all your money and get a cheap used car.
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>>17254686
I try to spend most of my days out and with my boyfriend/friends. Sadly don't have a license yet either.. i just want to get the fuck out of here
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Are you in hs? How old are you?
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Hi, i find myself in a terrible situation. I work as a private teacher, and now that school ended i haveno salary. My father is unemployed since his copany closed 5 years ago. we counted on my mother salary, that is tearing herself apart in a 9 hours job. I made a living out o f little translations job, but the situation of my family just worsened with a letter form our landlords. they completely blocked my mother's salary, set to zero her bank account and suddently we don't even know how to boy dinner.
i had to write it down to aknowledge the situation. How can we get out of this? I'm so worried we will get throwned in the street.
Please, share something that might help us feel better. Has somone of you got out of this situation? How? please give me hope.
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>>17254669
In which country do you live? Between which languages do you translate?
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>>17254669
If you have the skills to translate and tutor, you have the skills for any basic office job. Or you can find kids (or more likely parents) looking for summer tutors. Or you can contact some of the places you have translated for before and ask if they have any work for you. Or you can call your local welfare or dole or emergency services or whatever it is called to get government aid. Or your father can get off his ass and find a job. Or any of a dozen other obvious things.
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>>17254675
Italy. I'm getting a languages degree in October, I can translate from and to English and Spanish. I can speak french, too, but not enough to translate professionally. I have experience as a model and I used to be an anchorwoman for a music program and a sports program in a local tv. yes, I have a pretty decent cv, I even thought I would be famous someday. but the fact is I live in a small town because my mother's job is here. she will have to work for free until we pay our debts, so we can't move, and I don't even have the money to buy a train ticket because I aready used all my savings.
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so I fucked my ex for a good two hours last night and today I tried to have sex again and she said no because she's worn out and it'll make her pussy look loose (my dick is only 8 inches) and she has a bf btw
is she full of shit???
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>>17254668
I was literally eating her pussy and she started crying and I was forced to stop I'm so fucking angry
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>only 8 inches
>only
You are full of shit
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Go for the butt then
How do you deal with being irredeemably ugly?
And I don't mean like ungroomed, kinda fat or not having fasion sense. I'm talking legit even-my-mama-won't-call-me-pretty -ugly.
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Focus on doing things that make you happy! I remember having a lot of friends who were horrifically ugly, one guy in particular I remember in high school. He was Muslim, super duper skinny, horrible hair, bad skin, patchy facial hair, lazy dresser, and a lazy eye. But he was really cool, always really nice and he had a lot of friends. He always shared snacks with me and had the best jokes. If you're generally a happy and friendly person, I think you'll find being ugly isn't the worst thing in the world. You could be me, a girl with a nice face but 5' 5" and 207lbs. Being a fat girl is worse than being an ugly one.
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>>17254671
I'm also clinically depressed and suicidal about 40% of the time.
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>>17254665
If your personality is good, and ure funny, nobody will care how you look. Legit guy who looks MAX 3/10 got a wife 7/10. Just cause hes funny, hes not even earning decent money. Also Ive dated a guy 2/10 not kidding... at all..I guess Im 6/10 myself. And I felt close to him cause he made me smile and we had a lot of stuff in common. So It doesnt really how you look, unless you want to date very wain girl/guy. Looks fade my dear. ALSO look how many hot celebrities looked SO BAD in theyr teens and 20's, in theyr 30-40's theyre hot bombs! So maybe you will mature, and show it
Anonymous
Self improvement advice dump 2016-06-14 15:05:11 Post No.17254662
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Self improvement advice dump
Anonymous
2016-06-14 15:05:11
Post No. 17254662
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Im looking for anything that you guys rexomend
Books like how to win friends and influence people, infographs, advice greentexts, life advice this is where to dump ot.
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Anonymous
How badly do I fuck up? 2016-06-14 15:04:25 Post No.17254661
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How badly do I fuck up? 2016-06-14 15:04:25 Post No.17254661
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So I've talked about situations with this person before but it's still hard to go through. I know the common answer is to move on, but in the conversation could I have done better? I felt like we weren't understanding each other completely and I gets cut short.
Having someone I felt close to, do this again pretty much kills me. She 's not the first friend to do this and the people I talk to are always saying it's more on them but I think it's on me seeing how common this has come to in life. I did have very poor social skills when growing up so I always like to think of friends first but still, being almost 20, I think I should've gotten past this by now.
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Getting past writing unnecessary long letters to people who reject you has nothing to do with age, son.
You either stop or you don't.
To answer you question, yes, you could have done better by just replying "alright, no worries", but it doesn't really matter.
The only way to change someone's mind about you is to change yourself, and go no contact until you have better game.
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Your M I guess?
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>>17254726
Yup
Anonymous
introversion or just sperg? 2016-06-14 14:59:15 Post No.17254647
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introversion or just sperg? 2016-06-14 14:59:15 Post No.17254647
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introversion or just sperg?
Anonymous
2016-06-14 14:59:15
Post No. 17254647
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I'm a quiet person but lately I've been wondering if I'm too quiet. I'll try to start conversations but they never last since I run out of things to talk about. Doesn't really matter who I'm with I don't say much.
Recently, I was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder but I'm not sure I agree with this doctor. I've already met with numerous (7) psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, and therapists and only 1 has briefly mentioned the possibility of aspergers.
I should also mention I smoke weed and I've tried acid before.
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What do you try to talk about?
Maybe consider telling someone what you are passionate about (even if it is an autistic hobby) and gauge their interest. If they see you are excited about it they may become interested and add something tangentially related.
Just be wary of being annoying about it.
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>>17254647
Oh shit. You seem like me.
I definitely see the stretch of silence as an issue, because it has undermined my ability to connect with people on multiple occasions.
Personally I don't think I have any real mental health issues, but I've also never been evaluated by a psychologist.
I've been taking it upon myself to deal with it. Sort of like self coaching.
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>>17254700
Not that anon, but to add on a point. When you talk about hobbies try to not get too technical about the hobby itself. Instead talk about what and why that hobby excites you, or how you started that hobby.
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Doing anal with a grill. How long will one of the small bottle of lube last? never used one before.
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>>17254640
Is it a new grill? If there's any rust on it you may have to use the whole bottle in one evening.
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>>17254646
This grill hasn't been used before.
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>>17254640
Just make sure you take the hamburgers off first.