>became atheist then flirted with buddhism
>found chaos magic
>wanked to sigils and did lots of drugs
>wound up schizophrenic
>was convinced I was manipulating reality
>and that I had to reach my wife in another dimension
>got on meds
>realized I was stupid
>but still had lurking thoughts
>(example: my mom had a wedding dress magazine at home and for some reason I had this queasy deusional feeling like that everything was a practical joke and maybe my schizo theories were right)
>got on /x/
>felt bad for the fucker and lucky that my meds worked so well
>have tried to integrate these experiences
>but still fail to make sense of them spiritually (even if psychological, they nevertheless reveal my psyche)
Any wise advice from someone more enlightened than myself? I can add details if needed.
>the gospel in brief by Leo Tolstoy
particularly the introduction and his denouncements of churches, states, religious organizations, large , incomprehensible and contradictory religious tomes like the Torah, Bible, Koran etc. which can only logically divide humanity
how modern societies brainwash, , overly-socialize, corrupt, abuse, and distort the modern man in the technological era.
just amazingly spiritual. kind of all related to me. atheism for me was the beinging of a dark path, not against any particular God but from spirituality.
You are going just fine. Let go of all your illusions and focus on that what is real - your body.
If you're legitimately schizo than /x/ is the worst place to get advice, they'll convince you that you're some kind of higher power or some stupid shit like that, you'll go off your meds, and before you know it you're in a prison or mental institution because your hallucinations and/or delusions caused you to do some messed up shit you got in serious trouble for. Relapses happen a lot with schizo's.
>tried to integrate these experiences
>fail to make sense of them spiritually
Don't fail, then.
More specifically, I can relate. You shouldn't live in the past; don't bother trying to integrate everything all at once. That way lies madness, as I think you already know. Don't worry about what is and isn't. Just let go of your past and look toward either the present or future, whichever is more comfortable to deal with for you now. Remember that you'll still have to exist when you're done thinking, so make sure your thoughts aren't bullet trains to insanity. I won't say you should enjoy the present, but don't let your aspirations or anxieties trick you; you can make this moment worth living in no matter what.
Hope this helps.
Schizophrenia is made up. It's a "catch all" term used by western doctors to lump people they can't explain into a category where they can literally numb your soul and spirit and destroy your body in the process. Schizophrenia was invented in the 1930's to quell mystical experiences in the Western World. You know the symptoms you go through developing schizophrenia? Well, those are the same symptoms shamans would have as adolescents in indigenous societies. You BECAME the local shaman by having these experiences. How do I know this? Because they happen at the same age in humans, 22.
Practice meditation, look into chakras, and make sure you eat healthy and exercise often (as always) I cannot stress this part enough. Like the other guy said: focus on keeping your body healthy.
P.S. You actually CAN manipulate reality if you practice hard enough, and maybe that wife of yours isn't so far away after all. If you have any questions ask.
I'll tell you the best advice I ever got regarding spirituality and it ironically enough came from my Jewish math professor:
"Spiritual things and experiences can wait for when you're a spirit, they aren't going anywhere. As it stands now, you just have to focus on reality, what you do, and how what you do affects outcomes."
He was probably the most atheist Jew I ever met. But this was really sound advice. You can manipulate reality but no magical powers are there to help, just how your actions have repercussions.
Meditate and take control of your mind. That doesn't mean stop your "illusions" it just means be ready for them and handle them wisely.
Live in the present, not the past or future.
The only reason paranoid schizophrenia is a thing is because you are told you are broken. Stop believing this, you are not broken you are simply a bit different. Don't let people control you and don't let your mind control you. Ride along side it and work with it, become its friend but do not try to dominate it and don't let it dominate you.
Exercise, eat healthy, smile and enjoy life.
Im not a schizophrenic so i cant begin to imagine your situation however i too have dabbled with substance and it has left its mark. HPPD that comes and goes and weed highs that feel like full blown psychosis. All i did and all you have to do is listen to yourself. When i did that i learned that my daily ciggarette and weed use was not something i was proud of, neither was my health or diet. Diet has improved and my fitness is going up, ciggarettes have dropped from 3/4 pack a day to one cig a day and weed has dropped from 1g a day to a small toke a day. As i have improved these sections of my life my quality of life has increased and as i keep walking this road it will continue to do so.
Get on that road OP and work to improve yourself. When you begin to do that, joy is innevetable
manipulating reality is easy. want a car? buy a car. wanna build on this land, you see where im going with this.
spirituality wise, no matter what you think, make an effort to keep it to yourself. in that area, everybody knows best and is better equipped and is right, so, understand this or at least, understand their and your own ignorance in this.
>drug induced psychosis
tell me again how 420 blazing it is perfectly harmless
It's called an awakening guy, your spirit is literally breaking out like a chick from an egg. That's why it seems people are going cray cray when they have a "significant spiritual experience" nigga.
This is what happens when you're raised a false Christian without the Holy Spirit.
>God just defeated you by dying on the cross.
>God is amassing a huge following and getting people saved from hell.
>You're satan so you're a terrified little girl.
>Start persecuting Christians to avert them following God.
>Has opposite effect, as God gives pure peace and bliss to all who are martyred.
>Next logical thing you do is pretend to be Christian and setup a false church.
>every theistic religion in a nutshell
Your point is...?
Christians make up a god and says he gives martyrs peace.
Look at Islam. They're an heroing for 72 virgins.
Ancient religions and human sacrifices.
This is literally nothing new. The only thing about Christianity is that the writers were so unoriginal they just used a god from another religion instead of making up their own.
And it came to pass when the children of men had multiplied that in those days were born unto them beautiful and comely daughters. 2. And the angels, the children of the heaven, saw and lusted after them, and said to one another: ‘Come, let us choose us wives from among the children of men and beget us children.’ 3. And Semjâzâ, who was their leader, said unto them: ‘I fear ye will not indeed agree to do this deed, and I alone shall have to pay the penalty of a great sin.’ 4. And they all answered p. 35 him and said: ‘Let us all swear an oath, and all bind ourselves by mutual imprecations not to abandon this plan but to do this thing.’
Then sware they all together and bound themselves by mutual imprecations upon it. 6. And they were in all two hundred; who descended ⌈in the days⌉ of Jared on the summit of Mount Hermon, and they called it Mount Hermon, because they had sworn and bound themselves by mutual imprecations upon it. 7. And these are the names of their leaders: Sêmîazâz, their leader, Arâkîba, Râmêêl, Kôkabîêl, Tâmîêl, Râmîêl, Dânêl, Êzêqêêl, Barâqîjâl, Asâêl, Armârôs, Batârêl, Anânêl, Zaqîêl, Samsâpêêl, Satarêl, Tûrêl, Jômjâêl, Sariêl. 8. These are their chiefs of tens. – The Book of Enoch
Haha typical Jewish cultural-Marxist materialist. "Yes Goy look not for the things of the spirit, check out that neat new Hollywood movie instead!"
Ye. Its my theory that mental illness is nothing more than manifestations of literal evil (satan) and that you open the door to madness and if you when you eventually get to close to something, your mind breaks and you end up in a psych ward (I speak from experience). The reason you had all these problems is because you strayed from the one truth which is the gospel of Jesus Christ (again I speak from experience) when you stray so far from the path god prepared for you he will zap you in any way he can and when people fly in the fcae of God's will he zaps you with mental illness/ psychotic episode (where you are then forced to choose between Jesus/God or false gods (aliens, hindu gods, being a 'buddha' etc) Everything is true, but only some things are permitted.
Mental illness is the result of chemical imbalances in the body resulting in an improper interaction with the soul. It is a type of challenge to overcome. Not everyone has a mental illness, but we all have challenges.
No he was a really old math professor who didn't even use a computer much less watch tv. Probably a holocaust survivor too. Also I said he was pretty atheist for a jew. He used to say some offhand kinda blasphemous shit.
What happened to you isn't uncommon.
Those who play with sigil magick invoke entities that end up opening certain parts of the mind that aren't ready.
Look into forms of meditation that develop the Navel Chakra/Lower Dan Tian. This is the foundation you skipped which is causing your current issues.