Let's build the worst possible video game console one part/aspect/feature

>>323915970
the ugly 3D0 exterior

PS3 library

Virtual Console library
All 12 shit games

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Virtual Boy screen without an option to use a TV.

>>323915970
Xbox360 disk-breaking-when-moved feature

Fat PS2 lens
Addons designed by SEGA
It use UMD discs

>>323916475
What version of 3DO are you talking about?

Anyway the loading times from early CD-based consoles.

Discs or cartridges are loaded from the side.

loading time of a neo geo cd first gen
side caddy load drive
proprietary disc media
ext port underneat for addon
atari jaguar cd reliability
atari 5200 controller with the cord coming out from the front side (dreamcast style) and gyroscoping control
standard RF Out only by default, if you want to use anything else (composite/hdmi/component) you need to buy proprietary cable.
alway onlines DRM
ads in game
barely no vent creating heat issues
if you unplug the video cable the consoles shuts off
controller use integrated, non-removable battery and need a proprietary cable to charge it from the console.

it run some kind of android variant.

>>323915970
disk drive without saftey nubs on the disk tray, so they pop out and get stuck and scratched
360 disk drive

No OP. GameCube controller.

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>>323915970
>>323916475
>>323916807
Using these as a base I came up with the following. I took the liberty to remove the VB-stand as needing a stand for your bulky portable system is something only CASUAAAAL would need.


BTW: What are we going to call our system /v/?

>People saying cartridges/CDs
Come on, let's do this properly.
It uses cassettes

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>>323920849
WAIT

NO

OK

I GOT THIS

LET'S MAKE IT USE VINYL RECORD FOR STORAGE!

>>323921164
/mu/ pls go

>>323920849
And halfway through every game you have to flip the cassette tape to side 2

>>323915970
Always online that also requires a separate $50 component in order to actually connect to the network

>>323920276
Anime
Because it was a mistake

where the fuck is the gimmick?
necessary to play most games

sega genesis sound chip

>>323921603
Knowing /v/ that thing should be dragon dildo in your ass. How do we make it mandatory?

>>323921603
Every. Single. Game. Requires Wii motion controls

Well, it's similar to the Virtual Boy, so we gotta make it immersive, so put a rumble pack in the main unit. A powerful one. I want it giving someone an instant headache from this 3DO headset rattling on someone's face.

>>323921758
You're supposed to post bad things. The GBA soundchip is probably what you're looking for.

>>323921990
No, no, the NES soundchip

>>323921603
Wait, wait. I got it.
FMV's.

Wait for it...
Waif for it...
in 3D.
With Kinect.

>>323921603
I got this, every single game requires you to use two Atari 5200 controllers simultaneously which is perfect for our bulky "portable" monstrosity that doesn't have a head strap or a stand.

Needs a nice loud fan

>>323921990
Not him but megadrive music was fucking awful.

PHYSICAL DLC
IN TOYS

>>323922086
What you guys are looking for is the PC Speaker.

>>323921603
Every game requires you to use a shittier version of R.O.B.
This one takes 15 minutes to perform a single command and sounds like an bunch of metal scraps having an orgy
It also requires a bunch of wires to be hooked up to the system
And If you even do so much as slightly pull one of his cord out of the system, the game will restart

Regardless of the soundchip, there are no sound controls, it is always too loud, on top of the extra loud fan as >>323922313 said, and I imagine the rumble pack built in to the unit is also noisy.

Online play costs $50 a month.

You have to actually go to a physical store and buy a scratch off card, containing a string of 100 characters that have to be input into the system in order to play online.

input is done through one of those arcade-like character wheels
no undo or delete function
you have to to it all again if you are disconnected

>>323920276
the ouya

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>>323922869
>You have to constantly fuck around with getting the console on and off your head as you have to to take it off to look at the code.

>>323922869
>Online play
Don't forget a 56k modem

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsNaR6FRuO0

Hard wired controllers

>>323923828
No, battery operated controllers, that need somthing shit, like D's

Launch title:
A Daikatana port
>Use 5200 controller to walk and shoot
>Use console's motion controls to aim, not the controller, you have to throw your head around
>Only one song in the game: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Et6NuNnFKtA

>>323923828
>>323924094
It already has hardwired Atari 5200 controllers on it but let's make it so they need 2 D batteries to work despite being hardwired to the system.

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Ok, here are a few ideas:

>every part of the console needs to be bought separately and assembled at home
>good chance of screwing it up in case you don't know what your doing
>at least 3x bigger and 5x heavier than your average current gen console
>main controller has more than 100 buttons, most of them won't even do anything in-game
>you need to install the firmware and home screen software yourself (and you have to pay for it too)
>can't lend or sell games you've already played, they're forever tied to one of your 'accounts'
>some games might not even run properly first time, and you'll have to figure it out how to get them working
>literally no exclusives, except shitty pixel-art indie games
>have to change it's parts every few years because they won't run newer games

>>323916807
No fan in it though, so its hotter than the sun on your face.

>>323921758
>>323921990
>>323922086
>>323922461
>either shit taste and/or underageb&
It needs a Commodore64 soundchip

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>Atari 5200 controller

Not shitty enough, how about the Rolling Rocker that still requires you have Atari 5200 controller plugged into it?

>cannot delete games from the digital library no matter what, not even betas and demos
>forced to use an embarrassing name you made when you were 13 because you can't change it
>hovering over a game shows you ads for other games in the series and its season pass

>>323925093
>having a soundchip at all
ZX Spectrum or bust nigga

>>323924815
Wait a minute...

the everything of the WiiU

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How about we just take this thing and call it a day?

>>323924815
So a pc?

>>323926041
Wtf is that monstrosity?

>>323926161
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apple_Bandai_Pippin

>>323925093

I'm 33 y-o so I was born the same year Commodore 64 was released... never experienced it. How old are YOU anyway mr.smartpants?

The absolute worst controls any system can have is a shitty motion controls now let's combine that with hardwired controllers that are hardwired to the system with very short cords.

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Better idea, the controller is just a massive trackball. There are no buttons, instead you draw the letter of the character with the trackball. (If the game wants you to push the "A" button, you draw an "A" with the trackball)

lte's talk about the software

announce 10 launch tittles
6 of them due to release 2 years later
and the other 4 get released 6 years after
when the console's cycle is near it's end
meanwhile only shovelware and indieshit to enjoy

>>323928896
Lauch titles (and all games on the system) should obviously be ports of games from other systems. And since the goal is to make the worst system evar we obviously are talking about games like SuperMan 64, Sonic '06 and Big Rigs.

How about an amiibo knock-off platform but instead of nfc connection, you have to slide in the base like a vhs tape into a special slot

>>323928896
All games should be in HD, but the console unable to keep up, so every game has a loading screen after each action and roads, trees, mountains and people constantly trying to render, to the extent where it makes it impossible to do anything.

unique and expensive memory card
like the dreamcast but without the minigames
and only with enough space for 5 games at a time

I got it.
It needs collectable cards that never got a fullprint, so most cards are rare and you'll never have a full set.
Also the cards rarely work since the printing run was cheap and shoddy and rushed. You need to scan each card several times to get just one to work, and there is a design flaw in the reader which makes it rub off the code over time.

>>323930006
Can we sell an upgrade kit for the console, something like an extra RAM pack that claims to boost system, performance, but actually does nothing?

>>323915970
Let's call it the Ouya!

>>323920276
The Vee.
Because it's an abortion that should have never existed. like us

>>323924815
>false
>false
>false
>true
>false
>false (for the record, you can share Steam games)
>true, if you're completely computer illiterate
>false, more exclusives than any console
>false, especially with consoles around to stagnate the industry

>>323930861
It should need to install games before playing but have no hard drive, plus it should have to always be conected to the internet and you need a ubisoft acount to play.

It has separate on and off buttons. The off button is one of the controller face buttons.

>>323932359
This, although a diffrent one each time it loads up.

Controller is entirely glossy plastic and none of the sprue is cutoff

Only accepts Vita memory cards

Mandatory controller tutorial on start up

>>323932359
the pause button should be on the console as well

>>323921164
No. Use CED. The discs must rot.