>can't afford Tom Hardy
directors also allowed
>Can't afford to license the Xenomorph from 20th Century Fox
>can't afford to not play in whatever you offer him
>can't afford the destruction of the western world and subjugation of our culture and belief system by the leftwing supported invasion by muslim fundamentalists
>I read this cool little novel that would work great as a film, get me Kubrick on the phone asap
>boss, Kubrick has been dead for like 10 years now
>well fuck... get me some other autist who emulates him all the time then
>can't afford Seth Rogen or Kevin James
>can't afford Ryan Reynolds
>Can't afford Zach Braff
>We want to make Dune but Jodorowsky got lost in the woods
>Get me his union, non-Mexican equivalent!
>can't afford Harrison Ford or Richard Gere
AND YET THIS GUY IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AFFORDABLE
>Get me that guy that makes nice looking thrillers!
>sir he's asking for way too much money
>Then that other one!
>can't afford Matt Damon
>Stanley Tucci passed after reading the script
based Rocco will do an amazing job with the Blade Runner sequel.
>it'z only smellz
>plsss, make me nasty…make me nasty, I luvva nasty, cmon…Ima nasty boy
>plis dun crie
>u test ur ass?
>ooo yeah, vy do u make my deek so hard?
>u r so fuckin pretty to me ahhh…beautiful…beautiful to me ahhh
>don’t take off now because I enjoy too much!
>it’s naht bloody, but it’s a little broken…
>u like when Rocco phuck u, velly strung?
>u take all the way inside bitch…
>vat is going on…with u…ahhh so much make me cum…
>imagine ur father if he see dis movie
>this is really incredible nasty…
>you shud not hiv told me ur father wash my porno
>ooo, wrung hole...niccce
He is a fucking legend!
>can't afford F. Murray Abraham
>or your script is so shit that he turns it down
Ben Kingsley was in the Sopranos as Ben Kingsley
It was a bit Kringesley t b h
>we cant afford ryan gosling, what should we do?
>say no more senpai
>Yes, but there's also--
>That's his car that just arrived, sir.
>I need someone to star in this bland action movie
>but...he's already been in 5 films this year
>Just call him goddamnit.
>oh man I could really go for some vanilla ice cream or potato salad right now
>i got you senpai
>Can't afford Tom Hardy
Isn't this what happened for Suicide Squad?
>Sir, he's been standing outside our offices for 4 days now..
>allright, just give him something
>we need some diversity but cracker's boners shall remain intact
>What did Patrick Stewart say? well what about Ian Mckellen? John Hurt? Ian Holm turned us down?! Who else is there??!?!
When Tarantino is trying to direct your movie, but you want him to fuck off so you can get someone else
>we need someone in hollywood with at least mediocre talent for this movie that was cautiously green-lit
>need someone with an extreme niche to sell the tickets
>but we have little money, the script is awful and all the A and B listers aren't returning our calls.
>"Hey what about that Twilight cunt? Her foot game is outstanding."
>we need an american actor but with a bit of British gravitas
>say no more
> Sir, the final cut's only 75 minutes
> Call Chris, tell him to do a 10 minute cameo
>We need a Deep One for our Shadow over Innsmouth adaption
>Ron Perlman is also available
>So is Toby Jones
>"Fuck, man! I'm trying to get my remake of Gorillas in the Mist rolling, but so far, I've only got the mist."
>"Your worries are over, my man. She's also interested in a potential King Kong reboot."
>"Our film needs an actor that's so lacking in knowledge of his craft, that he thinks yelling, failing miserably in changing accents and jumping around like a gorilla is fine acting. It'd be also cool if the actor happened to be on suicide watch because of unwarranted, unanswered desires for a reward for his abysmal acting."
>"You can sleep easy, sir. I happen to know the perfect actor for your needs."
>get me that british guy from Buffy
>got you senpai
>not him the other one
>calling him now
>no, the other other one
> we need a 20 something english feminist icon who makes all the nerds drool with her cuteness. She has to be beauty incarnate but draw in the SJW crowd as well.
> say no more
>"So, the movie requires an actor that is the precise equivalent of a plain cheese pizza, or vanilla ice cream. My aim is to put the audience to deep sleep via this extremely unremarkable actor. But who should we get? My usual guy, Sam Worthington, got evicted from his Hollywood home for not paying the rent years ago."
>"Say no more, sir. He's already on his way to the set."
>"Hey man, I need a young man for my movie, but I literally have zero dollars, and therefore would need to pay the guy with my dinner leftovers."
>"Sir, there is a perfect person for the job. Food is the only currency he takes now, money is a concept entirely unknown and forgotten to him at this point."
>We need a cheap janitor and someone to open beers at the wrap party
>"My film needs a mediocre actress that is not believable in any aspect. And I haven't gotten a footjob in a while and I wanna cheat on my bitch of a wife."
>"She's already putting on her best flipflops, sir."
>"This script is far too coherent! I need someone who can really butcher the dialogue by delivering all of his lines in a monotone, barely audible mumble."
>"Hand me the phone."
> Sir, the casting director promised a role to som big titted bimbo if she fucked him. He said you'd owe him and have to give her a role.
> For fucks sake, Marvel's breathing down my neck, that jewish bride wont stop yamering about Israel and now i have to shoehorn in some cum dumpster? How big a pair of tits are we talking about?
>We need a Michael Cera, but even more autistic and half the price
>I got you, but be wary of his grip you don't wanna mess with this guy
>Quickly! We need a middle aged man who can grow a beard and has some gravitas and doesn't mind dressing up in costumes and maybe doing a silly accent
> Sir, we can't finish this Blacked porno, the fluffer quit
> I know just the guy
>Quickly! we need a woman to mezmerize the dulled masses
>I'll start the summoning ritual right away
>can't afford Bale. Who else will fuck up their body for a role?
>can't afford a better director
You better watch your tongue.
>can't afford some two-bit hack with a shitty voice because of his voice actors union
>hire Jack Bauer instead
I was alright with it tbqh familia
>We need someone who can emulate Ben Affleck and his physique to fill out the role of Batman.
>Sir, I have an idea
>Allstate guy is the only president in 24 that was even able to serve a full term
Wouldn't the American people be pretty demoralized after a while?
>Damn it, Sean Bean has broken his leg and we need someone to stand in for him in a few shots.
>Funnily enough sir, when I was in Donetsk last week...
>can't afford Kiefer Sutherland
>hire guy who looks like him but sounds like he smokes 8 packs a day
(I still like him though)
>cant afford ralph fiennes
am I doing this right lads?
>We need a somewhat cute bimbo with something of a butterface, but JLaw won't act in my shitty ass movie
>We need a femme fatale who'll get naked
>Say no more sir
Nah it's this guy, he can make the deep voice over for the trailers too.
>when you need an imitation-Michael Mann film that caters to fedora sensibilities
>when Mark Wahlberg is too busy beating up minorities
>That feel when you'll never be in good hands.
>We need a Tarantino movie from someone who actually went to film school
>Tarantino's not around, let's get some random dude who's never directed anything before to make a Pulp Fiction knock-off.
Watch him walk or use a phone in any of his films, then again in real life, and see if he abandons any of his personal habits or pecadilloes when he "inhabits a character". He like literally can't act.
>Get me John Boyega!
>He's unavailable sir...
>Fine, someone else will do the mo-cap.
Because you're a child and/or nigger moron.
>i'm somehow disproved by literally nothing
This GIF covers you both. Look at it long and hard, then think—I mean REALLY think—whether you should be speaking to adults this way, or whether you should just end it all tonight.
>Get me Pacino
>He's not available sir.
>Then get me his non-union generic south american equivalent.
>our loser character needs a love interest
>but she has to be somewhat believable, thin, and not ethnic
>can't afford a homeless black man off the streets
>we need a tall guy who's just a little bit intimidating
>say no more
>Here's $8 bring me Willem Dafoe
>Uh... yeah, sure boss.
>Get me David Duchovny!
>What do you mean we don't have enough money?
>We got a fart joke coming up, know any actors that can let out a loud one?
>He's actually directing, sir.
>Get me a beta version of Kurt Russell that appeals to Redditors.
>can't afford Chris Hemsworth
>Get me Eva Green, she would be perfect for this role.
>But, sir. This movie premiers in Isla Nublar, how are we going to appeal to the Velociraptor demoraphic?
>FUCK! We only have $20k left in the budget and we still haven't cast the sidekick yet.
>I got you senpai.