Alien Misunderstandings

You can make a paralel with other culture for example, you don't usually shake hands in some asian country.

>You were sent alien space station by mistake, it seems like you take the wrong shuttle and your are not in human territory
>You are completly lost, everyone in the hub is everything but human
>You build up the courage to go talk to this strange tentacles mass, not the best idea to think but you are to nervous and stressed to have a cohesive thought
>E-excuse me?
>you raise your hands to shake one of it's tentacles
>it seems like the crowd is now looking at you, nobody there, in the depth of space ever saw a human
>The tentacle mass scream at what it views as an agression, some races are known to throw their reproductive fluids with their upper appendinces
>you are sent in the station cell and you are registred as a sex offender

>>45303083
How about aliens instinctively view long-haired men and most women to be above the others because that kind of style is what separates their royalty from the peasants, and even after being told it's not like that for humans they still instinctively show them much more respect than short-haired ones, which most of the species would view as equals?

>Aliens think Human's ability to burp is fucking hilarious
>Ditto on hiccups
>While they can chug antifreeze, they find our ability to tolerate and in fact *enjoy* caffeine is interesting
>They find out inability to breath and eat, or talk and eat, is weird. You haven't been in a tense situation than being the sole human at a dinner table and finding a moment to talk.
>Even worse when you start coughing
>Human preference to consume "natural" protein has us seen as savages by some
>Others impressed by our ability to endure lactose after infancy
>Aliens find our extremely expressive faces very weird, almost eerie. After First Contact, some alien horror movies featured monsters with surprisingly human faces, much to our annoyance.

>>45303083

> Sleep turns out to be a biological process totally unique to Earth based life forms. No known alien life does it.
> The aliens have trouble wrapping their heads around the concept,
> A large number of aliens that don't deal directly with humans think that humans die every day and are replaced by asexually reproduced young
> Its the subject of a lot of alien jokes that humans only live for 24 hours
> its even in their alien wikipedia
> no matter how many times we tell them that this isn't true, we can't fight the weight of misinformation present on a galactic communications network.

I hate dealing with aliens. Every day they act like we are meeting for the very first time, and refer to everything we talked about the day before as 'my predecessor'. Sometimes they even try to claim that "the one before me" made promises that I most certainly did not.

>>45303669

You know, a lot of these would actually be things other intelligent species would find unique to humans.

>>45303705

Even better is if the only other lifeforms known to the aliens to sleep are animals. We'd be the only intelligent species that does it, which would lead to a whole new angle on jokes or jibes.

>>45303516
It reminds me a bit of The Legend of the Seeker, women of low rank often have short whereas the heroin, an inquisitor (women with the power to enslave anyone and the highest rank in society) got her hair below her waistline

>Aliens also take alcoholic shots, but as part of a pre-battle berserker ritual which results in a runaway acceleration of their metabolism that eventually kills the drinker but not before imbuing them with unnatural strength and speed
>Baffled and terrified beyond reason to see so many declaring the berserker's pact over such petty reasoning

>>45303761
Human collegiates are feared for their 'Berserk off' games, where they duel eachother with small plastic spheres and dozens of containers of high octane kamikaze fuel.

>That awkward moment when we learn that, under the space Bill of Rights, dolphins qualify as citizens.

The ability to digest and use the energy available in some volatile solvent like gasoline. (31500 cal/gallon)

>>45304108
Can you really drink gasoline?

>>45303083
Aliens poop mashed potatoes.
We eat mashed potatoes.

>>45304138
>>45304108
I think the idea was that they could confuse gasoline for something we do drink, which would be pretty funny if you walked into Little Earth-town and the place stunk of fuel.

>you sneeze and every alien records you and puts it on SpaceTube.
>millions watch your video titledCUTE HUMAN SNEEZING.
>Huge arguments in the comments which many think you are dying.

Google All Tommorrows. Lots of little tidbits like this once the human diaspora burns out.

>>45304280
>Aliens make "humansonas" and have a debaucherous fandom with their own conventions and spaceblogs.

>>45304280

>Start to hiccup
>Everyone thinks you're diseased

>>45303083

> it turns out that aliens watch human sports all over the galaxy
> we are initially proud of this
> on further investigation, it turns out that none of them have realized that these games actually have rules. They just think we look really funny running around and throwing balls all over the place. Most of them dont actually recognize that soccer, baseball, and football are different games, and they think that Basketball is just how you play the game when indoors.
> yfw you realize that aliens think that we gather in stadiums to watch other humans run in circles and random tossing balls around in total chaos, which they find amusing
> they find out attempts to explain the intricacies of human sports to them to be 'adorable'

>>45304571
>tfw the super into it sports psycho decides he has to show them what "real sports" looks like

>"in unrelated news, a human wearing a so called "cheese wedge" on his head went on a rampage, resulting in the deaths of fourteen Quanoids and seven other injured of various species. Anti-human sentiment is on the rise."

>>45303083

> Chaos Erupts At Diplomatic Summit: Tragedy was narrowly avoided today when a Human Ambassador, improperly briefed as to the biology and customs of the Hritau, became panicked and violent after notorious Hritau celebrity Iyitiyithitihitiwili Ywo Lifitililiyitiwiyiyi encapsulated and engulfed one of his arms for closer inspection of the small band of metal fitted to one of his fingers. Iyitiyithitihitiwili, showing traditional Hritau humility, apologized for the incident and agreed not to press any charges (having escaped with only minor bruising from the human's savage blows) and has promised to return the metal band at the soonest opportunity.

>Aliens are confused by religions and believe our chief deity is called 'Muh waifu'. It's common to find wall scrolls, and figurines of Jesus, Caesar, MLK, and Captain Picard in kawii poses in spaceports and human themed specialty shops.

>>45304571
>aliens are all retarded and can't discern large scale patterns of behaviour or geometry.
lazy analogy is lazy.

> aliens think that the human digestive tract can work in both directions
> they think that a blowjob and anal are the same thing

>"They eat with their mouths?!"

> aliens have never seen sexual reproduction
> they all reproduce asexually
> at first they think that males and females are different species

>>45304280
>SORRY BUT HUMANS SNEEZE WHEN A CONDITION CALLED NUMONIA INFECTS THEIR SINUS CAVITIES AND IT IS FATAL
>TAKE IT TO THE VET
>THIS ISN'T CUTE THAT HUMAN HAS CANCER

>meet humans for the first time
>extend salutations to them as politeness requires: through bright green discharges
>our sociologists compare this form of greeting as roughly analogous to a human "handshake", except our way seems to be much cleaner, as there's no interchange of fluids involved!

>humans greeted this way, however, dropped to the ground
>maybe this is how they greet others, and the "handshake" info is outdated?

>humans have started greeting us differently
>unfortunately, our emissaries and ambassadors seem to be violently allergic to this form of human greeting

>what is this "XCOM" thing the humans are talking ab-

>>45303083
>And we're back, thanks Ywugx. For our first story, panic erupted at the Galactic Worlds Conference as the human diplomat, upon finishing his pleas for the human's homeworld to receive assistance against the Vlox, who seem to have set their sights on...Ee-art-h?
>Anyway, the human diplomat calmly and coldly, proceeded to snap his own neck! Thankfully after being sedated and hospitalized he has seemingly made an alarming recovery.
>What's that Yvexlby? Ah, it seems "West-Lee" has regained consciousness and is being kept in the most secure wing for suicidal patients.
>Now we're left with only questions, is their situation with the Vlox really so dire they would need make such a grotesque and symbolic request for aid?

They think a human cracking his neck is him literally breaking it.

Even looking at earth life, it's pretty weird to have a life form with a digestive tract that goes straight through. What if other intelligent life eats through the same cavity as its anus? They're all squatting over plates of food on the floor and talking incessantly through their differentiated air cavity, and here we are showing the rectum off to everyone and communicating through farts between bites.

>>45303083
Ooh read this:
http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Mankind

there is a followup somewhere, but it's exactly what you are talking about.

turns out the concept of a "warning shot" is a uniquely human one

>>45305192
Same goes for all of the sinuses in our skulls. Air filled holes in your body that can not be cleaned and will never be of any direct use.
Or the function of our heart. A muscle that cobtracts rhytmically? Why not a single tube?

>>45305304
Okay, that's the Veil of fucking Madness story.

Why the fuck is it on creepypasta?

>>45305361
A heart isn't weird for something this large. It doesn't have to be four chambered, but that's not really that interesting for daily interactions.

>>45305385
It wasn't really that good. It deserves this grave.

>>45305190
>tfw the stereotype of humans being fuckoff hard to kill comes from the habit of cracking knuckles and joints which everyone else interprets as breaking them

kek.

What about a species that tells each other apart from smell or other sense and can't for the life of them tell on human apart from another.

GREET TINGS BILL!

I'm... Sandra

OH... APOLO GIES... uhhh... I MUST FLUSH MY EXREMENTS

>>45305385
>Why the fuck is it on creepypasta?
heck if I know.

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>>45305518
That is interesting. We as humans are biologically built to search for human faces. Min pic shows an experiment to determine facial recognition in newborns. The tested newborns look twice as long at the paddle on the right than the one on the left, meaning we are biologically geared to recognize faces. I guess aliens and humans would have issue trying to recognize certain people.

> Ayy Ambassador meets human Ambassador to discuss trade agreements.
>Human Ambassador's belch is mistranslated as a roar of aggression
>Discussion rapidly runs out of control as the alien Ambassador thinks the human has threaened to kill him.

>Alien species never invented video games
>Introduced to games for the first time
>It's a FPS
>They honestly think they're being shot at
>Think humans are conditioned to stay calm when under attack and get confused when we freak out if a weapon is fired near us

>>45305697
That's one shitty ambassador. Who the hell belches at a formal event?

>>45305740
>we show them Katamari Damacy

>they understand

>for whatever reason the aliens don't wear clothing and have never met another species that does
>it is almost impossible for them to recognize people after they change outfits and will get people mixed up if they swap clothing
>they think our military, diplomatic core, and any other organization that wears uniforms is filled exclusively with clones

>>45303083
I expect aliens to be nearly completely incapable of understanding anything about us, or vice versa. Life from another planet could be unrecognizable to us and would likely be extremely different at the very least. It'll likely end with war due to constant misinterpretation of the other's actions.

>>45305792
>we show them XCOM

>humans are now the boogiemen of the universe

>>45305518
But humans have unique smells. Even some humans can tell humans apart by smell.

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>>45305909
>Alien films about extraterrestrial life are about communication, understanding, and friendly connection, with a rare film or two about evil beings set to take over the world and/or exterminate all life
>They see our alien films
>tfw

>>>>45305905
That's retarded. It's magical thinking. Life comes from very basic, common materials and tends towards efficient patterns given circumstances. There's going to be startlingly similar reactions, and analogously clear structures, even if the forms are bizarre.

>>45304731
>Only to be stopped when another Human wearing a helmet with horns on it tackled the cheese hat; sparking a brawl

>>45306161
Oh god damn it, Wrong post
meant to reply to this one >>45304639

>>45305081
>> at first they think that males and females are different species

I actually like the idea that they cant really tell the difference between males and females.

>but she has long hair and i have short her...err
>but her nipples are on the end of breasts...err
>you can really tell the difference when at the pool.
>no thats a bellybutton... ill explain its use later.

>>45305994
>Enormous social justice tirade begins against Earth media to show more positive examples of aliens in fiction

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>>45303083
In Xenoblade Chronicles X, you get a lot of flavor text about some of this stuff, mostly from just walking around the city.

Though it's not as pronounced as you probably want, mainly because there's some mass translation bubble around the planet.

Still, its funny when one Alien, who's a humanaboo who taught himself English, tries to play a word game with other aliens but it fails completely due to the language barrier

>>45305994
>Alien empire only just a hundred or so years ago got out of a spat of enormous violence and hatred towards very specific alien species.
>Many of these same species now hold office within the diverse alien government
>These aliens look exactly like little green men, and various antagonistic aliens from videogames and movies
>Humanity is seen as racist backwards hillbillies for art created prior to first contact

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>>45305740
>>They honestly think they're being shot at
>>Think humans are conditioned to stay calm when under attack and get confused when we freak out if a weapon is fired near us

yfw they think all humans are raised from young to be warriors.

Report of the diplomatic meeting between the human ambassador and laven ambassador. This document has been circulated around the extranet through unlawful means as a humoristic example of why "inter-species interactions should be limited to war" as to quote one of the circulators of the document:

The human ambassador enters the meeting hall in a traditionally black suit and tie with white undershirt. To Levans, however, black on white is a sacrament and the ambassador was preparing her scythe-like limbs to assault the human ambassador. Before this could happen a demonstration of human ingenuity being wrongfully, or rightfully, used, the h-ambassador demonstrated the color shifting abilities of his suit. Eventually after going through the entire spectrum the ambassador chose bright pink suit, brownish-green tie and see-through undershirt. This was merely the beginning of this diplomatic farce.

As the meeting went on normally, the Levan ambassador initiated a formal dance while exposing her glands betwixt her hind legs to emit a fragrance similar to Earth's roses as a sign of respect and friendship. Turns out that the Levan glands resemble greatly the human sphincter and/or female reproductive organ. The h-ambassador took this first as an insult and became furious, then he thought this was a mating ritual of sorts and became confused and finally thinking that this was a chemical assault via airborne poison and became afraid. It took seven high ranking Terran officials to lure the paranoid ambassador out of the janitor's closet (which he deemed to be the only safe place).

The L-ambassador had to take a break to care for her young, leaving the H-ambassador sitting in the meeting hall to consult his aides on the matter. Now, unknown substances are forbidden within the neutral grounds of the meeting hall, but one of the aides had managed to smuggle in a bottle of spiced alcoholic solution. It was identified later as "whiskey".

cont. if people think this is worth it.

>>45306421
>tfw aliens make a "counter-culture" game with stereotyped humans as the villains

>we play the shit out of it because it's funny as fuck and surprisingly well-designed

>aliens baffled

>>45306474
>show the aliens all the other ancient vidya and cartoons where the human Empires where the evil ones
>aliens begin thinking humans have species-wide schizophrenia

>>45306467
Continue

>>45306467
Continue plz

>>45306467
The humans began to consume the solution in small amounts. Further research revealed that they consumed alcoholic solutions on three occasions: Great celebration to enhance the thrill, great tragedies to "numb the pain" and while observing athletes whilst wearing either the colors of their heroes or naught but a sleeveless shirt and underwear. One of the aides spilled their glass of whiskey on the table. The solution spread evenly across the surface. When the L-ambassador returned, apologizing for her sudden departure, she placed a flower of utmost beauty on the table. The flower in question was the Levan Sporeshooter, infamous flower that fired spores like a combustion based gun when it come in contact with a solution that, thankfully, was only found on Levan planet. At least this is what we thought. Turns out that the "whiskey" has an eerily similar constitution as the solution found naturally on Levan home world. We also learned two other things: Humans are extremely allergic to the Levan Sporeshooter spores by default and that raising the middle finger while remaining silent is apparently an insult that implies that need for one to "go fuck their respective selves".

An hour later once the allergic reactions had been treated by the medical team the meeting returned to normal for a while. When the issue of illegal immigrants fleeing from the war zone through the Levan home space into the Earhen home space the human seemed to have after effects of the medicines given to him. They formed as an itchy throat that caused coughing. H-ambassador asked for a glass of water to drink and the servant of the Levan consort gracefully handed the h-ambassador a small jug of water. The human ambassador drank the water, thanked the servant and returned to speak as normal. Five minutes later the second side effect made it's appearance: need to vomit, but only if there was liquid present in the stomach.

>>45306474
This sounds amazing. I like to think that alien stereotyped humans would lead to things like the final boss of the game being some kind of amalgamation of Hitler and Stalin.

>>45304138
Well you can, but you probably shouldn't unless you want to die a terrible death.

Aliens might be able to though, so who knows?

>>45306769
>black-jewish-Hitler-Stalin who is four feet tall riding a robot-dinosaur-bird-truck into battle whilst spouting both religious and anti-religious sentiment

They have no fucking clue what they created, but by god is it fun to shoot at.

>>45306763
The h-ambassador projectile vomited over the l-ambassador and her servants. Levans consider this exchange of fluids to be normal, although a little intimate. Not wanting to be rude, the servants and l-ambassador "returned fire" as the saying goes and proceeded to projectile vomit over the h-ambassador and his aides. The smell was repugnant, no due disrespect for the Levans, and caused the h-ambassador and his aides to vomit again. This exchange continued for a few minutes before both sides were confined and nursed back to health (they had both suffered from dehydration).

With the both sides eager to end the meeting, but unable to in their current condition, they decided to go through the remaining items via voice-only communications. Things came to an end within the hour and both sides shut down the communications. Or so they thought. The new models for the comm-links had reversed the order of commands and instead of shutting the communications down they had increased the range of which the microphones picked up sound patterns. Levans are known for their easily irritable ears and tendencies to enter berserk-like states when their religion was mocked, desecrated or otherwise wrongfully used (reports of Levans assaulting Makions for being purple on every day other than their holiday, Saint Formik the Purple's day, even though this is the natural scale color of Makions). A surprising coincidence as the word "football" as similiar to phoutpoll which is a word Levans use to end ceremonies. Using the said word during any other time is considered heretical and punishable by death. And as it turned out the centuries old tradition of "football championships" had recently began on Earth.
*The segment describing the event up to a certain point had been omitted to avoid further incident. Dataminers however had managed to restore snippets of it in the form of the attached audio file the came with the original report*

>>45306467
>>45306763
>>45307021
>"What else could POSSIBLY go wrong!?"

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>soft-bodied alien species make first contact with humans
>alarmed at our nervous system being able to control the parasitic bone creatures living and growing in our bodies

>>45306474
so, Metal Wolf Chaos?

>>45307125
Just tell them its like a diatom, but inversed and with calcium instead of silicate

>>45307143
Is the protagonist a little green ayyy?

>>45307021
>This is the human
This is the Levan

>.....not know that the word.......ot there that is where i ex.....
.......retical monster..........th of the go.........
>......ll not go down witho........u damn cricke.......
......with the fur...f a thousand spears i sh......defenseless creatur.......
>.........wait, lookout, the plasma cut........t's leaking everywher........send the hazma......
......ot into my eyes, it b..........ow it's cold, send hel.........an't see......
>......sus Christ, somebody call the extermi.........oaches everywhere........re space roaches so lar.....??......
...........tagion......urantine the area no.......ey're everywhere......
*the dataminers found only silence for several hours before this was recovered*
>......t's when my father taught me to........my uncle touched me in the........e was a great person and i can never thank .... enough....
....was the greatest of my........could've been an arti.......this i painted when i wa......
>.......icasso?.....
Yes, that is my......
>.....ill the reporters hear of........lieve you are......and Michelange.........Genghis Khan........rage age of your.......
........Caesar was a........nk for listening......each about these psychotherapists and.........muffins

*the rest of the file is a jumbled mess of singular words and singing in a language that some claim to recognize as "Scottish" though no expert has given their statement*

Thus ends the report of the diplomatic meeting between the human ambassador and the Leven ambassador, who later became the first music therapist on her planet.

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>>45307221
They screwed, didn't they.

Just wait until some data Miner hacks the cameras and the hot HumanXLevan vid goes viral.

>>45303083
I can't remember the author but I do remember a book where a eusocial-like alien met some human scouts and took them apart to see how they work and were baffled by the amount of nervework and autonomy given to what they thought were just disposable scouts.

>>45307339
You're thinking of 'Pandora's Star' by Peter F. Hamilton

>>45306957
Duh, they inadvertently made an Unknown Armies video game.

>>45305994
>>45306421
>>45306474
>>45306545

>aliens notice pattern of the "edgy cool guy" in human media.
>aliens come to the conclusion that humans aren't really racist or violent, just kinda edgy.
>alien edgelords who really like the whole "evil beings set to take over the world" genre start hanging out with humans and thinking we're cool because we *get* them.
>humans become edgelord stereotype and every teenage alien has a humansona and imitates human culture.
>meanwhile humans become less edgy because the stereotype gets old and annoying, we don't like being put into boxes like that, and also we're contrary bastards.

imagine space /pol/

>"YUOMINS GUN YOUMIN"
>"CRAFTY YOUMIN WANTS TO SHILL ME FOR TV"
>"BUILD A DYSON SPHERE AROUND IARTH"
>"OY VEY LEVAN MIX WITH YOUMINS, MAKE WEAK MIXED RACE GOYIM"
>"REDPILL ME WHY YOUMINS ARE NOT EXTERMINATED YET"


This would be...quite terrible, I imagine.

>>45303083

Ender's Game and Speaker For the Dead are entirely about this.

>>45307992
Assuming that 4chan isn't a uniquely human thing.

Man, now I wish we had art of the Levan.

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>>45308165
I like to think that shitposting is universal.

>>45308306
>take off your tunic please and show us your private parts
Behold, the oldest form of "tits or gtfo"

>>45308306
Is this thing for real?

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>>45308306
Now just imagine if some ayy got their hands on this lovely piece of history.

>>45308536
Yes.

>>45308306
So what do you guys think space 4chan looks like?
You think they have a human version of the ayylmao meme?

>>45308895
>GREETINGZZ ROFL

>>45308928
>Ayys unironically greet each other with "Ayy"
>Confused when they get called what is essentially "hello" to them

>>45308772
>>45308895
>>45308928
>>45309209
I have never wanted aliens to be real more in my life.

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>>45309209
>Ayys unironically greet each other with "Ayy"
Hey man, don't you go insulting the Fonzians

>>45308772
>tfw Ayyys have human porn banned in most places, and almost universally frowned upon like bestiality

>>45309350
>Ayys have similar reproductive organs (screw A goes into hole B, etc.), but only have sex once in a while because of low sex drive during most of their year
>Don't even really have porn, except for the few den-dwellers who hardly ever mate
>Shocked and confused when humans start making porn of them and humans interbreeding
>They can't even impregnate us, or vice versa, but people keep drawing them getting impregnated or impregnating humans

>>45306362
Got any more examples from this Xenoblade, like a screencap montage or a vid?

>>45309586
Not really, I'm on mobile.
Also, in terms of an actual game, its pretty meh compared to the prequel. Though it does have a cool race of Samurai Warlord Catfolk called the Wrothians

>>45303083
>Most aliens are evolved from prey animals, and have eyes on either side of the heads
>Those predators that did evolve intelligence were not on top of the food chain, and had auxiliary eyes to see other predators in addition to their forward-facing set.
>Using their narrow cone of binocular vision is only done with known threats, so it is extremely impolite to stare directly at someone.
>Similarly, talking to someone while keeping no eyes on them at all (for those species that do not have 360 degree vision) is seen as a display of trust generally reserved for family and very close friends.
>Polite conversation has both parties with one eye on each other, and the other(s) watching the surroundings.
>Human binocular vision makes conversation very awkward, and led to a common misconception of humans as either very trusting or extremely paranoid.
>Humans take to wearing a patch over one eye when talking to other species to avoid the awkwardness
And that's why most humans look like pirates.

>>45303083
>Turns out aliens' sex toys look a lot like our hands.
>We never figure out why they find it hilarious when we put our hands near our faces.

>>45309843

>Humans become the Big Cats of the setting
>Humanity binges on precious metals as the wealth of a dozen worlds pours into Earth
>We still love our fire, too, and the advent of personal flight-craft means Humans have a huge "thing" for taking to the skies of low-grav worlds with thick atmospheres.

Imagine, we are the Dragons.

>>45310044
>Winged reptilian creatures have a mythological creature that sounds extremely similar to us
>The name of the mythical creature is pronounced "drah gun"
>Different interpretations of the wingless beast are found across their world
>Some are large, hairy things that hoard precious metals such as copper, aluminum, and silicon and spit small hot chunks of lead from their mouths
>Others are thin, intellectual beings that ride on magical rocks that move over the ground and sea and spread knowledge throughout the lands

>>45304571
I find this one a little far fetched I could understand them not caring that there's a difrence but I'm sure they would notice.

>>45310044

>Humanity discovers it is alone in a vast swath of reasonably terraformed galaxy
>The space race turns into homesteading on a scale unheard of in Human history.
>Families find themselves the owners of entire states, the wealthy own their own continents
>All of these lands are tended to by obedient servitors, adhering to Asimov's Four Rules of Robotics.

>>45310044
>all human space ship models are named/designed after types of Dragons and similar creatures
>human power armor also gains mythical creature designs

>>45310300
Whats the fourth rule?

>>45310353
what, like a Fafnir class cruiser? A Smaug Destroyer?

>>45303883

>High octane Kamikaze fuel

I'm stealing this.

>>45310401

The Zeroth Law of Robotics, which was formed at the very end of I, Robot and fully realized in the "Spacer" series.

"A robot may not harm humanity, or, by inaction, allow humanity to come to harm."

This means anything from zealously defending Humanity through military directives, or something as insidious as slowly killing Humanity off into an idealized hunter-gatherer society, carefully watched over by the Machines.

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>>45310404
>build gargantuan sized warship, bigger than some planets
>call it Ancalagon-class
>very much win

>>45310404
>>45310481
This is indeed, or at least close enough, to what I mean.

So what would a Quetzalcoatl class ship be?

>>45310616
Basically it's a frigate that is way too fucking long with rotating joints connecting each segment.

>>45304333
Is that by the same people that did "All Yesterdays"?

>>45310481
>build another gargantuan warship
>name it Nidhogg

>>45310681

Nigga the Nidhogg wouldn't be a warship, it'd be a resource extraction vessel.

As in, "this thing eats asteroids" type of extraction.

>>45310726
Shit, spot on nigga.

>>45305361
As my old Anatomy & Physiology prof said "Your sinuses have two functions, to make your skull lighter and get infected."

>>45310726

Likewise, the Quetzalcoatl wouldn't be a warship, if anything it'd be a solar array.

>>45310353
>Grendel-class assault Armor
>Windigo spec-op suit
>Lunar Rabbit brand sealed environmental suit
>Riddick advanced ultravision goggles

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>>45305066
Underrated.

>>45307410
Also kinda sounds like 'Ender's Game', too

Humans uniquely don't molt. Most intelligent life of mote evolved from a carapaced or scaled creature. Humans are originally mocked as being squishy softlings, never old enough for th eir first shell.
One day a piece of machinery collapses onto a Segnoid and his human partner on a resource digsite. The segmpid's shell is cracked in three places preventing it from freeing itself from the wreckage. The human kicks off the rubble on himself and manages to free the seggy with his arm broken. The segnoids from then on hold humans to be unkillable save for disintegration.

>>45310792

>>Windigo spec-op suit

I surrender, fuck that no I quit, I would quit the moment I heard the people I was fighting had those suits.

Unless it's my side, if it's my side I am getting in one of those suits

>>45310912

But Humans *do* molt, we shed skin all the damn time.

>>45310964
Just don't tell the aliens that. They'd throw a fit.

>>45310912
>Wait, you mean they have skeletons on the INSIDE!?

>And when they break they can STILL FUNCTION!?

>>45310982
>humans never stop molting!
>they're always getting huger!
>they must be stopped!
>I saw a human hit its locomotive limb on a habitat shelf and then WALK OUT AGAIN

>>45310792
Heterosexual OP Class infiltration unit

>>45311030
>>45311021
[genocides externally]

We've killed things on Earth off for less.

>>45311021
Is this some kind of ayy version of "Did you know there's a skeleton inside you RIGHT NOW?"

>>45311030
I told you not to fucking tell them. Now we gotta deal with an invasion. Again.

>>45310912
Continuing.

Human/Segnoid relations eventually deteriorate despite the miner's goodwill. Segnoids begin rolling across human space with their superior physiology via boarding action disabling human warships. Humans eventually push back and the war grinds to a halt. It is discovered that segnoids are vulnerable to sonic weaponry due to their carapaces reverberating sound waves through their soft insides. The human war machine becomes based on high pitched squealing. Some music is found to contain the right harmonics for weaponization. One soldier manages to defeat an entire platoon of Segnoid warriors with his iPod and a megaphone. Out of patriotism Celine Dion tops the charts several hundred years after her last clone's death

>>45311240

Can you imagine the one poor bastard woh gets Futurama'd into the Celine Dion future?

that would be the worst.

>>45311240
>the 'bass cannon' is viewed as the saviour of man
>'dropping the bass' becomes cool again

>>45311284

Where's the picture of Tiesto as a Space marine when you need one?

>>45311348
Serve Humanity today! Become a Noise Marine!

>>45311348
https://1d4chan.org/images/3/31/Brother_Tiesto.jpeg

>>45311348
>>45311392
The Emperor's undying wub

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>>45311348
>>45311384
>>45311392
>here you fucking fucks

>>45310792
>Human PMC of dubious legality, but unquestioned legality.
>Takes on random jobs, has been known to switch sides for no reason whatsoever.
>Typical means of transportation are biped tanks(Think 40k Sentinels/AT-STs)
>Run by a single elderly woman who has been in that position for hundreds of cycles.
>Codename: Baba Yaga

>>45311568
unquestioned lethality, even.
Fucking hell.

>>45311568
>tfw Sleipnr troop transports
>Nemean defense systems
>Bolg model armament

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>>45311568

>>45311568
>top agent of the PMC
>never failed a job
>codename: Koschei

>>45311718
>Cerberus Defense Turrets
>Skoll and Haati System Destruction Craft
>Yggdrasil Colony ships
>Mothman disaster prediction stations.
>Candlejack Infiltration/target aquisition sui-

>>45311835
Well, looks like good ol' Candlejack strikes aga

I like the idea of all species having made some kind of star trek media at some point, where all the races are basically their own with stuff glued on their forehead equivalent, and they boldly go around the galaxy, which is filled with [noun] planets.

Just a lot of different races going "Yep, I've seen thing kind of thing before" when they pick it up over pirate bayy.

>>45311568
>PMC trains from birth solo operators
>Proficient in most weaponry and CQC
>Graduation test is to kill a man with a (fucking) *pehn-sil*
>Codename Wick

>>45311777
Yes. Nice full house btw.
>>45311914
Also yes.

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>>45311913
That actually sounds pretty cool.

Then you get neckbeards from across the races arguing about which franchises, seasons, and releases are better.
Pic related, an entire race of said neckbeards

>>45311914
>PMC's more enigmatic operator.
>Unknown how his targets die, but if they see him, they do.
>So do most witnesses of him, for that matter.
>COD always seems to be from fright or unknown causes.
>Codename: Black Dog

>Human drinking contests are seen as suicidal since most of the other salient species have evolved to filter less amounts of poison due to earth having about 3x the normal amount of poisonous plant species during evolution.
>"Drink to the death" is a common phrase when referring to human alchahol habits.
>Many alien teenagers have sadly died trying to replicate their human counterparts at parties.

>>45311987
we getting pretty slavic up in here. I like it.

I remember there being something in some series that involved a basic misunderstanding.

Two space ships meet in deep space, so naturally they stop, check each other out at a safe distance and try to appear non-threatening.

The aliens opening all their weapon hatches, which to them is a show of peace, a way of saying they have nothing to hide.

The humans take this an aggressive action, and do the same.

The aliens, believing the humans have responded in kind, begin to move closer, thinking they've reached an understanding.

The humans see a ship with it's weapons reading making an approach, and panic, opening fire.

>>45310401
The fourth rule is making the robot watch I robot and saying "you see that shit? Don't fucking do that. Just don't."

>>45312076
Well, here's a non-slavic one, just to change things up a bit.
>PMC has on it's payroll one operator they don't unleash unless they WANT to terrorize entire communities.
>Witnesses reports are inconsistent as to his appearance, except that "it" is fucking terrifying.
>Victims, however, are always found the same way: drained of all blood, with three puncture wounds in the chest area.
>Code name: Chupacabra

>>45312076
>PMC who specializes in entering death planets, executing targets, and leaving quickly
>Codemane: Strelok
>PMC who specializes in entering death planets, executing enemy PMCs who also specialize in entering death planets, and leaving quickly
>Codemane: Strelok

These operative things are getting more literal, and therefore far more stupid. Please stop.

>>45303083
Read Vernor Vinge, especially "A Fire Upon the Deep".

There are two real issues with intergalactic communication, the first is the "telephone game" issue. Things get garbled at each step.

The other is that some aliens are fundamentally different from each other and communicate in very different ways. When you have a message cross intergalactic space, and you have several stops where say, alien gas clouds, butterfly people, maybe some intelligent mollusks, and then others are some of the midpoints, things get confused.

Especially when they don't even necessarily have the same senses and their language reflects this. How do you you accurately get a sense of what a human looks like if the guy a few steps before you doesn't use light to perceive the world, or say, if they don't actually think the same way you do much at all? (hive mind, etc.)

Also an issue in that book in that a hivemind/gestalt race finds the idea of single animals being intelligent to be strange and impossible, and while also potentially more intelligent than creatures like us, have issues we don't (Not very compact, have trouble when two gestalts/pack intelligences are in the same area. The signalling that allows the individual animals to form a mind gets all mixed up when they get close. So they normally only get close to have sex with other packs. Which makes them all dumb.)
A classic Niven thing is also the issue of "wildly different norms for healthy/rational behavior". Like, Puppeteers are not "normal" unless they are cautious of everything, but seem to be phobia ridden masses of neurosis to humans, and utterly disgusting to Kzin (basically humanoid cat people) who until recently, were hyper aggressive with everything. Pak Protectors SEEM like twisted sociopaths, and they are, EXCEPT towards their genetic offspring. Everyone else is competition or a threat. They are distressingly nuke happy with each other.

>>45312181
>PMC who specializes in ship boarding
>tends to leave a few survivors
>all horrifically traumatized
>survivors tend to kill themselves afterwards
>Lone guy who didn't kill himself says it was "an abomination"
>Codename: Cthulhu

>>45304571

>aliens treat human sports like cute cat videos

>>45312530
>specializing in boarding ships

>not being rammed by them

Immersion: Broken

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>>45312530
>>45312161
>>45312046
I feel bad for not knowing the rest of them though

>>45312713
top kek

>>45312530
Maybe a bit too on the nose?

>>45309843
>>45310044
>>45310184
>>45310353
>>45310481
>>45310681
>>45310792
>>45311568
>>45311718
>>45311777
>>45311835
>>45311914
>>45312046
>>45312161
>>45312181
>>45312530
SETTING WHEN /TG/?

>>45312790
As soon as /tg/ ever finishes something: never

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>>45312181
>>45312181

>>45312825
Just give it a decade, all the shit we talk about will be out then, all the newfags will think /tg/ doesn't do anything and we'll have another hundred projects on hold, and the cycle continues.

>>45305187
>The entirety of xcom is just about a buncha doomsday cultists going up to your squaddies going "Hello there neighbo- Oh I guess he needed to sleep a bit."

I reckon a good one would not be that they don't recognize sport, but they see it as a hugely childish activity, and think it's cute that not only we practice it long into adulthood but also make such a huge deal about it, before returning to their own sophisticated digit paintings and temporary salt-dough sculpture

>>45312790
I don't think we have enough for a setting desu. We just have a couple cool names for cool things.

>>45312922
>tfw there are aliens who will watch paint dry for hours on end and take bets on which patch will dry first

>and they think us playing sports is silly

Oh, please.

>>45313002
Fucking word filter.

>>45313042
I like the word filter desu.

>>45313104
It snuck up on me desu

>>45310437
Isn't that just vodka?

>>45304639
The cheese wedge sells this shit

>>45312097

Babylon 5?

Rolled 4, 3 = 7 (2d6)

>>45313314

>>45305485
>super wimpy guy wants to appear tough
>cracks knuckles
>"DUDE HE JUST BROKE HIS HANDS AND NOW HIS FINGERS ARE MORE AGILE THAN EVER WHAT THE FUCK WE NEED TO GET OUTTA HERE"

>>45305978
The joke is that Sandra smells like Bill.

Why would Sandra smell like Bill?

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>tfw most alien species are incapable of jumping, or at least, jumping effectively

>tfw they still use moats because they can't effectively cross them without shit you can see for miles

>tfw humans jump across the little moats

>>45310404
>More like Smaug-class Desolator
Anyone remembers Smaugposting?

>>45310662
Call it the "The Fug of war"

>>45311882
Fucking Candle Ja---
Not getting me this time!

>>45313739
Why can't I say Jandle Cack?

>The reproductive organs are slender tendrils held coiled within sacs around the mouth, which typically hang under water beneath the alien's floating body, which typically drifts along the surface of water
>The act of human kissing is often confused with sex
>They spend most of their lives neuter, and undergo a rapid micro-puberty during cyclical mating seasons that cause them to temporarily become male or female
>These combined lead them to believe humans are horrifically horny and disgusting mega-sluts beyond anything they could every reasonably conceive of in their wildest mating-season fever dreams, often having sex in broad daylight among each other, any time, any place, without even a pretext of maternal contract negotiations before hand
>Meanwhile, humans find the fact that they have a month-long orgy every few years to be a bit odd

>>45312181
>PMC specialized in stealth infiltration, Stalking and predatory tactics
>uses EM fileds, wears stealth suit that looks like vintage human formalwear and additional cybernetic limbs
>Leaves notes around his victims, informing them of their imminent demise
>Codename:Slenderman

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>>45313739
>>45313765
Don't tempt fate guys, who knows what night cha-
OH NO! ITS HAPPENING!

>>45313969
Fucking /v/ I swear to god they know how to make shit creepy

>>45313935
>PMC Specialized in stealth, unorthodox killings, and assassination
>is seemingly unremarkable, distinguished by a single tattoo
>targets and those nearby them are often found in waste disposal areas, or other out of the ways locations
>Codename: 47

>>45314081
kill ur self

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post sick alien memes

>>45312922
>aliens not recognizing the meaning inherent in all sport being a stand-in for warfare

>>45306424
>implying you weren't
What is the world coming to?

>>45313521
>mfw new blockbuster is Andarians Can't Jump

>>45307992
>meet Aliens
>they immediately hunt down and kill all the Jews on the face of the Earth
>make way for mothership
>Adolf Hitler steps out
>Aliens remove environment suits
>All have identical mustaches
>Apparently Hitler was an incredibly knowledgeable alien who has chased XenoJews across half the galaxy over several eons to finally corner them on Earth

>>45314081
Please end yourself that was terrible

>>45314407
>/pol/ is the happening at that moment

>>45313969
I know my new villain for my campaign I'm running.

>>45314407
>/pol/ goes in a fucking frenzy of HAPPENING and /pol/was right again

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>>45313969
what sort of abomination is this? break it down for me so i can not sleep tonight

>>45313006
The joke
Your head

>>45314507
First is Pyramid head from Silent Hills, a recurrent nightmare fuel character that is invincible and who's solitary agenda is to ruin your butthole with whatever implement it is currently wielding

Then you have Skull Kid from Majora's Mask, he's freaky shit nugget you have to deal with by some point of the game and he's an asshole

Then you have Candle Jack from Freaka

>>45314536
I was saying how I would find it highly amusing for such a scenario to happen, and hope it would.

Obviously you're bad at reading.

>>45312244
>hexapodia is the key insight

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>>45314507
First one on top is a murderous/rapist manifestation of psychological guilt and the desire for vengeance

Bottom left is a Fey, born from a child that gets lost in the woods and loses its humanity, being possessed by a mask that essentially houses the spirit of a God of deception, madness, trickery, and apocalyptic disaster.

Bottom right is some spectral abomination, capable of exercising power over anyone that utters its name, allowing him to ensure ghostly robes and similar powers to ensure people and drag them off to some unknown nightmarish fate.

Some madman then combined all three of them into a singular being, creating a new God of fear, terror, nightmares, and destruction

Enjoy your nightmares and being forever afraid of what's under your bed or in your closet

>>45312244
>(My only gateway onto the Net is very expensive.) Is it true that humans have six legs? I wasn't sure from the evocation. If these humans have three pairs of legs, then I think there is an easy explanation for-

>>45314775
>humans rarely ever get more than four legs when they get busy

>>45308008
Came here just to post this.

>>45314775
>I hear humans have two heads, but where could they possibly be hiding the second one?

>>45314775
>>45314655
Twirlip of the Mists was right
Only agents of the Blight have six appendages for locomotion
The rest of you can lick my articulated sphincter

>>45303961
>implying we haven't treated other humans the same way we treat dolphins
Explaining our history is going to be far more awkward than that.

>>45314489
Of all sad words of tongue and pen, these are the saddest: "/pol/ was right again"

>>45314988
And yet it happens more often than you'd think

>>45303705
If humans were the only species who slept, than we'd also be the only species that dreamed. Now THAT would blow some aliens minds'.
>So every night, while these things are dying, they experience hallucinations and out of body experiences?
>What do you mean they just fucking forget everything that happened in them when they wake up?
>Dude, get me some of whatever these guys are on!

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The Triadultus have only made contact once. Despite extreme reserve and secrecy in every other manner, their delegates arranged to meet in person at the First Contact Summit.

Most of what can be postulated about the Triadultus is gleaned from exhaustive analysis of the physiology and behaviour of the delegates. Notably they appear to be a colonial organism comprised of three distinct individual organisms. One organism comprises the base or "foot" of the body, and appears to be whole despite a physically intrusive interface with a lightweight synthetic trunk. The two other partners in the entity appear to be cut down to a head and a single arm each.

Communication at the summit was sparse and confused. The Triadultus, despite initially appearing confident, became disoriented with their surroundings and uncomfortable with the human delegates. Finely tuned questions and discussions-points from the Earth Plenipotentiary Peace Commission evidently disturbed the Triadultus representatives; revealing they were under the belief and experience that they physically resembled the homo sapiens they were meeting in every apparent measure. The summit was cut short. No followup communications with humanity have occurred since.

>>45315373
Now that's a fancy hat.

>>45315448

What are you talking about anon, that's clearly a normal human upper torso and head.

>>45315373
I remember this pasta. I always found the idea of aliens spilling spaghetti all over the place about their appearance to be strangely appealing. They go through all this trouble trying to look like humans to put us at ease, and we start talking about how odd and fascinating they look and they just slither away to call their parental cluster to pick them up from the embassy and get a cup of ice cream while crying into a mirror.

>>45303083
>a human diplomat is thought to be a sexual deviant
They're not wrong tho.

>thinly veiled HFY thread
>no shitposting
I'm proud of you, /tg/

>They give birth to live young? One at a time? The human larva must consume its rivals inside of the ovipositor.

>It must be immediately able to run and evade, then? How does it avoid the hunger of its queen-mother?

>Some PMCs are of sufficiently ill repute they do not qualify to clone their best soldiers.
>Faced with government/corporate black list they turn to more unsavory means of preserving the minds of exceptional members.
>The mind-scans of recently- and near-deceased soldiers are uploaded to 3-meter tall combat frames.
>Smaller frames are available, but a large, nigh-immortal platform is often preferred.
>Colloquial term: Lich

>>45315746
>The queen-mother does not hunt her young when food is scare?
>It will actually let itself become severely malnourished to ensure the larva can grow?
>All queen-mother's do this?

>>45315819
Give it a rest already, you've overplayed this one.

>>45312790
As the very first guy in that chain, I am surprised as hell anything came of it, much less what did. It seems to have changed quite a bit, from "Binocular vision is weird and awkward socially" to "myth-themed PMC in dragon spaceships". Honestly >>45310044 and >>45310353 are far more responsible for this than my post was.

>most species follow pragmatic and reasonable military doctrines, preferring to have small, specialized ships organized into flexible task groups for whenever the need arises
>Humanity on the other hand still has a fixation on awe inspiring feats, and so instead constantly tries to outdo itself on building larger and more impressive general purpose ships
>a Hruthior heavy carrier will be, at most, 500 meters long and carry five wings of attack craft
>the Humans on the other hand have just launched the first of the new Typhon-class fleet carriers, nearly 10 kilometers long and holding the equivalent of two hundred wings of attack craft
>rumors abound that the humans are seriously constructing a dyson ring around sol, an endeavor considered "wasteful" to put it mildly by the galactic community at large, and have begun construction of super heavy planetary mining vessels to procure resources from nearby systems
>when asked why, Human high military command responded "It's getting a bit crowded on Earth, we have too many engineers and scientists than we know what to do with, and we figure that we could slap a big cannon on it at some point"
>needless to say, this is why humanity only controls its home system and has nascent colonial holdings in two more, while most species control a dozen to fifty.

>>45315819
Disregard >>45315838

and give us more. I am stealing these all for use in later games.

>>45316050
I typically try to just go along with the logic of the setting, but this is just some serious HFY garbage. Humanity has been going to war since before we could be called human, and if one thing is certain, it's that we strive to be effective in it. Even under the guidance of obsessed dictators silly projects like Der Ratte don't get to the finish line. Even modern ocean craft have been getting smaller and smaller over the years. I highly doubt getting to space will make humans suddenly become retarded.

>>45316199
>implying it was meant to be anything more than silly garbage
You expect too much of me, anon.

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>>45316199
>Implying human armies haven't always strived to build and field the biggest mountains of floating fuck you physically possible
>Implying humans haven't always sought to consolidate multiple military roles into colossal vessels
The Ratte isn't an example, as it was tracked land vehicle and not a naval/space ship. On the ocean (and in the vacuum) there are vastly fewer restraints on how big a moving vehicle can be, and the human species has been making them as big and heavily armored as they could without sinking.

What if the aliens are ridiculously uniform? Like, humans have a massive range. I don't just mean like black and white and Asian, but even down to how some people can run for literal days without getting tired when others can go three steps before stopping, or how some can calculate the cube root of a billion in 0.8 seconds where it'll take others days, how some can pull a train with their face and others can't open a jar.

Like obviously they'll have variation but it's easy to see how they'd assume we were different species

>>45316374
That's be pretty easy to fluff out if the aliens reproduced via cloning/budding, with sexual reproduction being a very uncommon/momentous occasion reserved for their sorta-version of nobility.

>>45316199
>>45316360
Out of curiosity though, what would be better in space? What are the benefits to a single large ship? What are the benefits to a bunch of small ships?

>>45316374
Did you know that humans are, compared to other species on Earth, actually ridiculously genetically uniform? Our entire species was nearly rendered extinct sometime in the recent past, and created a tiny ass genetic bottleneck as a result. There is more genetic variety in a population of chimpanzees (our closest relative) on one hillside in Kenya than there is in the entire human race.

>>45315304
Good luck explaining to the aliens how your new hyperdrive configuration was inspired by a dream where you were stuffing chocolate cake into the reactor core under orders from a giant rabbit.

It all depends on how combat is space would be done.

A single large ship would have greater armor, more redundancy, larger armaments, etc. If combat was done at astronomic distances, light seconds and all, a large ship would be pretty viable, as at one light second, a couple kilometers is pretty tiny, making it easier to avoid any weapons outside of light based, and even then, if you have a second or two, you might be able to avoid it.

Closer you get, the smaller you want to be. The less you have to move to avoid getting hit, the better.

Given how humanity currently works, I figure we'd go for the fuck off huge ships at incredibly long distances, while sending out smaller ships once we've softened up the target.

>>45316360
No, we haven't, at least not without purpose. A carrier is as large as it needs to be to properly and effectively perform its duties. Combat ships have been getting smaller and smaller, to the point that battleships are a thing of the past. Space is even more restricted, as the more massive something is, the more propellant you need to have it carry and the more powerful its thrusters need to be. If the setting has aliens understanding this concept, then you can be damn sure humans will too.

Big ships only work in settings where everyone uses big ships because they are cool, or in settings where the ships are so shit they need to be huge to have room for the massive and poorly optimized systems.

>>45316433
Depends on the setting's internal logic and tech level. In settings with some soft sci-fi acceleration method, like gravity drives or magic mega-thrusters that take up no space and run on good vibes, you can do whatever you want. If your ship runs on reaction mass based thrusters, be they nuclear engines, fusion drives, or collections of shaken fizzy pop, you will need to carry enough of the stuff to move everything on your ship, which means you get your ass handed to you by physics and will need to devote at least a third if not more (safe bet two thirds or more) of your ship to the main thrusters and fuel alone. This will likely make the ship much larger than it otherwise would be.

It's all about the delta-V. The more you can get with the smaller amount of mass, the better.

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>>45316477
>Combat ships have been getting smaller and smaller, to the point that battleships are a thing of the past.
Don't remind me.

>>45316374
>or how some can calculate the cube root of a billion in 0.8 seconds
Might want to choose a number that can't be written as 10^(3X), where X is an integer. Makes it a bit too easy to calculate the cube root.

>Humans finally make it to the stars
>After first contact find that we technically cant claim our own solar system because was back in the past a explorer for some emperor or another came threw and claimed it since life hadn't developed yet
>Because of the abundance of resources everywhere the empire keeps a tight control on mining to keep the economy from imploding
>This is why our sector is clocked off
>Good news though! Since we were all born in the empire we are all citizens
>We just cant live on earth any more
>Humans become space gypsies
>No planet wants our fleet anywhere near them and either bribe or call the police on us

>>45305760
Quiet a few actually. In Japan alone it is a signal that the food was good and you are content. In more western civilizations it can be an attempt to say the you are comfortable and with friends or people you consider family.

>>45316634
You obviously don't understand humans, some rich snob saying they own our land will get laughed at, then we fight to defend what is ours, like, have you ever heard of the colonization of... pretty much anywhere.

>>45316709
>like, have you ever heard of the colonization of... pretty much anywhere.
It worked for (a) century(ies) until the resident chucklefucks finally learned enough from the white man to get uppity? Or the whites themselves got fed up with the whites living on some rainy island and rebelled?

>>45316709
>Humanity refuses to vacate
>Aliens move in giant space drill designed to crack planets
>Live or die

Also look at the native Americans. Tech > Will every time.

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So this thread made me look up the wikipedia page for humans and the damn thing reads like a bunch of aliens wrote it, it's amazing

Pictured: An adult human male (left) and female (right) from Thailand

>>45316753
To be fair, I'm not entirely convinced that wikipedia editors are human in the first place.

>>45316753
>>45316763

The spread of humans and their large and increasing population has had a profound impact on large areas of the environment and millions of native species worldwide. Advantages that explain this evolutionary success include a relatively larger brain with a particularly well-developed neocortex, prefrontal cortex and temporal lobes, which enable high levels of abstract reasoning, language, problem solving, sociality, and culture through social learning. Humans use tools to a much higher degree than any other animal, are the only extant species known to build fires and cook their food, and are the only extant species to clothe themselves and create and use numerous other technologies and arts.


I love this

>>45316765
Wikipedia confirmed for being written by speciest bastards.

>>45316753
>>45316765

That page is awful! I mean "least Concern" come on. That species only lives on one planet! A bad couple of snow years could wipe them all out. We all need to do our part to save these poor beings and for just pennies a day....

>>45316786
Speaking of, are humans the most numerous mammal on Earth, barring domesticated animals?

>>45316800
Rats have us beat by light years bro, and other small mammals really,

>>45316814
Fair enough, but outside of vermin and domesticated mammals, humans have to be the most numerous.

>>45305978
Yeah and humans are so good at distinguishing people by their faces merely changing races completely obliterates our accuracy. Why would aliens be able to tell us apart when you can't tell individual capybara apart unless you're specialist handler?

>>45316832
For any mammal medium sized and up and not domesticated yes, but that is excluded alot of animals man

>>45316851
What is a medium sized animal in comparison to a human? I thought humans were a medium sized animal?

>>45315822
>Mere years after first contact the Rachnea empire is enveloped in civil war as the worker class rebels against the long standing queen mother governments.

>>45316868
They are, it's just most small mammals are things like rodents that have fuck huge populations and where being excluded so I went with medium and up

For reference humans, deer, and dogs are all medium sized mammals

>>45316875
>humans are barred from making contact with any new species because of our unusually large amount of social and political ideologies, especially considering their virulence
>humanity is dangerous not because of viruses and disease, nor because of aggression and warmongering
>humanity is dangerous because of our memes

>>45316894
I can actually see this happening. Humans best form of government is to literally just let everyone vomit out their insane ideas and then everyone votes on which is the best.

>>45316875
>>45316894
Reminds me of a HFY story about waifus I like because it didn't take itself too seriously.

The female worker caste (who will never get that sweet male drone dick) are revolting after learning of a new species that has equal amounts of males and females. They demand humanity send support to the revolution in the form of husbandos!

>>45305760
Americans.

>>45316919
No, that would be a constitutional republic. You are referring to democracy, which we have yet to manage to get to work for more than a few generations before it dives headlong into tyranny by popular demand.

Republics aren't much better now that I think about it, but so far they have a slightly better track record and have been more helpful than harmful on average, so it manages to not so much as be the best, but the least shit form of government we've come up with so far.

>>45307021
>The h-ambassador projectile vomited over the l-ambassador and her servants. Levans consider this exchange of fluids to be normal, although a little intimate. Not wanting to be rude, the servants and l-ambassador "returned fire" as the saying goes and proceeded to projectile vomit over the h-ambassador and his aides. The smell was repugnant, no due disrespect for the Levans, and caused the h-ambassador and his aides to vomit again. This exchange continued for a few minutes before both sides were confined and nursed back to health (they had both suffered from dehydration).

My sides!

>>45308536
It is. There´s a whole branch of academics dedicated to study ancient graffiti. The official reason is that it throws quite a lot of light on the lifestyle of the people. The unofficial reason is that it´s pretty much 4chan but engraved/painted on old stone walls.

I don´t know much about other civilizations, but Greeks and Romans fucking loved to write shit on their walls. Some of their biggest poets often wrote stuff directly on walls, or mimicked the graffiti style even though they wrote in books.

Check out Marcus Valerius Martialis epigrams.


The best thing, and at the same time the worst thing, about studying old literature is that you notice that we´re pretty much the same as we were back then. As much in the good as in the bad. And the weird. Specially the weird.

>>45316962
link? or even better, screencap?

>>45317180
The best thing is that either secundus was fucking every little boy in Pompeii or that every secundus in Pompeii liked fucking little boys

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pretty much here is a bunch of HFY stuff with aliens and misunderstandings. enjoy

>>45317191
Kinda both.

Roman names were a little weird. Long story short, they had two to three: a family name taken from your father, a normal name given to you, and often also a nickname because normal names were few and widely shared.

For example, the most known Roman man was probably Gaius Iulius Caesar:
Gaius = name given by parents
Iulius = family name, from the Iulia family
Caesar = nickname. It means "hair mane", and he probably got it because he got bald early. Romans were dicks when it came to nicknames.

A famous poet, Publius Ovidius Naso. Name, family name, nickname. He had a big nose.


So, thing is, Romans were often VERY fucking unimaginative with names. It was extremely common to name your children in the order they were born. That´s why there were so many Romans called Secundus - it means "second". There´s some called Septimus here and there, too, though they´re not as common for obvious reasons. Remember that great general, Octavius...?

So,
-there were a huge amount of guys called Secundus in Rome,
-Romes had a weird relationship with anal sex: being penetrated is negative and it makes you a massive faggot (unless you´re a young boy, then it´s fine), penetrating is fine as long as you don´t go full homo and never touch a woman.
-it was quite common (well, depending when in the timeline) to fuck boy slaves or have young boy lovers. There´s also graffiti and poetry laughing at men letting themselves be penetrated by these boys.

So yeah, your comment is rather on point and you don´t even need that "or".

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>>45317300

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>>45317343

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>>45317350

I like this one, kinda feely

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>>45317362

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>>45317375

>>45304602
Funny.

Can we not turn this into a humanity fuck yeah thread? A third of this thread is just "Eh ?! How could humans be so sugoi, desu?"

Weeb speak is the only way to portray this sheer level of faggotry.

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>>45317386
>>45317401

They are all still relevant to the topic at hand of Alien Misunderstandings. But I'll stop if no one else wants to see the rest I have.

>>45303083
Keep this thread alive guys I've got to go soon but I'll post later

>>45317350
God damn I love it.

>2 milennia after first contact it has finally happened , the first inter species war
>aliens lay claim to a system that has been settled by humans for 500 years.
>they had claimed it before humans even started colonizing mars but had never settled it , no one told the settlers until now
>after months negotiations are broken of and the aliens declare war
>calls for aid are immediately sent to all independent human systems
>almost all of them answer
>billions volounteer to defend the colonies in >a new human federation is formed as everyone selfishly interchanges technology
>all outer worlds are turned into fortresses packed with guns
>thousands of warships are built
>the biggest armada ever seen in the known universe is formed in mere months
>precisely 1 year after the deceleration of war the alien envoy arrives
>"greetings humans of the x485y01 system, the customary 1 year calculation period for war is at an end. According to our and neutral observers from the "grey ones" race as you like to call them our military strength 4856.12 units using the intergalactic standard. if you would be so kind as to give us your strength calculation and neutral observer we can decide the war's outcome and commence peace talks accordingly !"

>>45317699
Lets be real here, we'd just start bombing right there

>>45317699
10/10 I´m stealing this for a game.

This thread is why I cant wait for Stellaris to come out. I cant wait to do shit like this in game. I cant wait until the time I start up the game and the RNG decided that humanity was brought to the stars by an alien race for profit. I cant wait until I meet a race where neither of ours translation and communication tech is up to snuff and we have no way to communicate. Shit is gonna be so cash.

>>45317718
We probably wouldn't have sat around building for a year either. The war would have commenced days or weeks after the declaration, so while the Alien Empire has been blindly padding their ELO score, we've been cutting our way through their outer colonies, becoming more and more paranoid as to when we'd meet their actual front line forces.

>>45317861
they don't even look like they could use that army well considering that they want to solve everything with simulations, it would be a blitzkrieg.

>>45317793
I personally want to see something with Dorf Fort-esque complexity and difficulty curve, SS13-style setting and SMAC-level technology.

>>45318283
Read the dev diary's. So far they have only made one choice I dont like but they are taking Xcom's 2 stance on mods so its negligible.

Their main goal of the game is to make it so no two games are similar. That each galaxy will throw curve balls at you so there will never be a "optimum" way of doing things.

>>45318301
What I mean by SS13-style setting is something where you can choose to build a planet-surface base, an asteroid mining facility or a sun skimming station, all using the same system, with advanced atmospherics. That would be amazing, IMO.

>>45318643
Might have to wait for a mod for that one. While there is teraforming it looks like you can only build a "space station." A surface base would likely just be one of the buildings you can build on planet.

Cats. Why the fuck?

>>45318666
Heh, I haven't actually expressed myself properly. What I want is something akin to Dwarf Fortress in space, with the option to build a planet-surface facility. And then stick advanced atmospherics on top of that. Then allow batshit stuff like vat-grown meat, cloning, genetic manipulation of planet life, singularity engines, string disruptors, planet busters, neutronium armour, that sort of absolutely ridiculous hypertech stuff.

>>45315373
Wait. Is this the ayy equivalent of three midgets in a trench coat? That's hilarious.

>>45318736
Ahh you have a better chance of Dwarf Fort being finished within 10 years.

>>45318845
>within 10 years

You can say within 20 and you´d still be probably right.

>>45317401
Most of these are better than the 'standard' HFY where the humans are just godlike and/or superior. It's like HFY lite, or rather, Humans Are Okay.
I like these kinds of stories better than your standard-fare HFY.

>>45303705
>A large number of aliens that don't deal directly with humans think that humans die every day and are replaced by asexually reproduced young
H-ha ha, funny anon.
>http://existentialcomics.com/comic/1

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>>45315304
>>45316471
Here you go!

>>45316477
What about
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwrLR2kv5KA

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Many Earth animals have the female gender functioning as workhorse/defender of the species. Imagine if humanity is the only Male dominated society/civilization.

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>>45318923

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>>45318935

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>>45318946

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>>45318953

>>45305304
>turns out the concept of a "warning shot" is a uniquely human one
That doesn't make any fucking sense. The ability to peacefully wind-down tensions is integral to communal (and independent) survival, and is found fucking everywhere.

>>45317909

That would probably be IMMENSELY unwise. Systems like this don't get made for shits and giggles.

Do you know why galactic civilization would move to settling wars via asset comparison of their weapons instead of actually using them? Because most forms of faster than light travel are planet-killing weapons if used improperly. Its like mutually assured destruction, except there is a hope that a nuked city might eventually be liveable again. Slamming a ship into a planet at 20x the speed of light turns that planet into gravel, and there is no way to defend against it because you won't know it is coming at you until after it has already hit.

Only fucking idiots actually fight space wars, because the stakes of space war are absurdly high and the damage incurred from these weapons is NEVER worth what you win in the process.

Violating the galactic warfare system that the aliens have in place and actually committing physical acts of war would result in every single alien neighbor we have obliterating every single human controlled planet as quickly as possible. And after the xenocide of the human species was complete, the aliens would shake their heads and mourn the tremendous damage that had been done, but console themselves that it had to be done because we were too much of a threat tot he galaxy to be left alive.
Because anyone who doesn't play by the rules will force other races to abandon the rules to defend themselves in kind. And this leads to precious and irreplaceable habitable planets being permanently destroyed. Better to shoot the rabid dog then let him go around biting people.

>>45318983
>Only fucking idiots actually fight space wars, because the stakes of space war are absurdly high and the damage incurred from these weapons is NEVER worth what you win in the process.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Fucking idiots are more common and more intelligent than you think.

>>45318983
>Only fucking idiots actually fight space wars
Only fucking idiots think the mere existence of potential weapons of mass destruction stop wars being fought
People go to war because they want things, and in most space settings most of the shit they want is on a planet or in orbit around. Blowing up worlds directly harms your war goals, both attacking and defending

>>45315448
>Now that's a fancy hat.
At least they got that part about humanity right.

>>45319020
People also go to war because they are scared that other people want their things.

Things get really bad when people no longer care for other people's things, but are terrified that to stop fighting would mean their own total destruction. Things get desperate, no tactics are out of the question, and war is total. And peace is hard to negotiate.

>>45319048
Which is when you roll out nukes from orbit, or antimatter if you're feeling fancy
Flinging an entire spaceship at lightspeed into a planet, much like nukes, is a viable option once, to see if facts match the theory. After that no-one would be willing to risk it

>>45319020

It doesn't stop all wars from being fought, but it does stop direct forms of warfare between those powers that have it.

Russia and the US used proxy wars instead of open warfare against each other during the cold war specifically because WMDs made direct conflicts not worth the consequences.

The difference is that, in space, there are no lesser powers to use for safe proxy wars. Anyone with FTL is a planet killing threat, at least potentially.

If absolutely every nation on Earth had a supply of nuclear weapons, our approach to war and diplomacy would be VERY different than it is now.

>>45319000

You make a power play to take control of a star system with mineral resources that you find valuable.

In return, there is an unknown number of undetected weapons on route to instantly destroy Earth and all six human colony planets.

Is this a worthwhile trade, assuming that you successfully take control of the system you set your eyes on?

Because the only time that answer is yes if if that 'unknown number' is 0. If it is 1, you have traded one useful planet that actually had people and infrastructure on it for a useful planet that has nothing on it. If the number is 2 or greater, you are losing out on the deal. If it is 7 or more, you lose absolutely everything.

You cannot respond in kind with your own weapons without blowing up the very thing you started this space war to gain in the first place: the alien controlled planet you are fighting over.

>>45319109
Except for the part where any power capable of reaching that level of development won't just jump straight to the WMD response. If nothing else they wouldn't want to give any other rivals the excuse to fire as well
If everyone's got a nuke mutually assured destruction goes from a theory to a certainty

>>45317180
So the classical poets shitposted?

I dont know what to do with this information.

>>45319141
Maybe they were just trying to get their style down?

>>45319156
I meant more about them adopting graffiti style in their books and such.

I mean, maybe Im reading it wrong here but if the graffiti was like Roman 4chan then that implies some poets produced books of shitposts

>>45319135

Which is why no one wants to risk fighting space war. The worst possible thing that can happen is that you will win, making the enemy desperate enough that they have nothing to lose and fire their WMDs, destroying your home planet.

At the very least, any space war would have to be restricted to the most worthless things possible. Fighting over anything actually important is too risky, as it could escalate to larger scale warfare beyond what you intended.

>>45319141
>>45319156
>>45319174
Well, to be fair, greentext is the single greatest development in narrative style in the last hundred years.

>>45319141
>>45319156
>>45319174
Picture an anthology of short stories, typed completely in greentext.

>>45319109
And then one species finally manages to figure out how to intercept relativistic/FTL weapons, and goes around conquering fucking -everyone- with impunity before someone else figures it out too.

>>45317718
Let's be real here, none of this would have happened. We don't form coalitions like that (you can bet your fucking arse plenty of humans would side with the aliens to fuck over their human enemies). People also wouldn't just volunteer like that without excellent propaganda *and* long-held, longstanding patriotic (or similar) feuds with the enemy. For example, a tonne of dudes volunteered to fight for Britain in the First World War...but that was against Germany. Not, say, some hypothetical Malaysian megastate. Over what amounts to a small island, no less. This ain't total invasion á la Germany into France.

Seeing as this is just a joke, none of that actually matters. But, being autistic real, none of it would have happened.

Also this >>45317861.

>>45318983
>Do you know why galactic civilization would move to settling wars via asset comparison of their weapons instead of actually using them? Because most forms of faster than light travel are planet-killing weapons if used improperly.
Now there's an assumption and a half.

Asset comparison could be used because large megastates have been created, all of roughly equal power, and at a stage of economy where war for the purposes of enrichment is totally non-profitable compared to basic trade.

>Violating the galactic warfare system that the aliens have in place and actually committing physical acts of war would result in every single alien neighbor we have obliterating every single human controlled planet as quickly as possible.
Why the fuck, faggot? No. It'd just be responded to with more force, worst case scenario.

>we were too much of a threat tot he galaxy to be left alive.
That doesn't even make any sense. And also isn't how the aliens would work, assuming they're willing to go to war over a single colony. They would war in order to benefit themselves, not "the galaxy". Or they wouldn't war at all. Or be in states.

>>45316868
>I thought humans were a medium sized animal?
No, we are technically megafauna

>>45319245
>>45319088
>Russia and the US used proxy wars instead of open warfare against each other during the cold war specifically because WMDs made direct conflicts not worth the consequences.
Proxy wars weren't developed during the fucking Cold War. They're old as fuck, and they're used not because of nukes, or MAD -- but because both belligerent states (or coalitions &c.) are roughly equal, and neither is sure which would beat the other. When one side thinks they have an advantage, things like the First World War can happen -- or less apocalyptically, the Russo-Japanese war or Franco-Prussian war.

>>45319109
>You cannot respond in kind with your own weapons without blowing up the very thing you started this space war to gain in the first place: the alien controlled planet you are fighting over.
Yes. This happens.

You get embroiled in a conflict not for mineral resources, but for political dick-swinging. For trade rights. To generally determine who has the upper hand in geopolitics.

Don''t forget that the root of all power is force.

And then, when the war starts, in this situation you would be forced to continue.

Of course, what might happen is that limited or no megaweapons are used. Becuase of MAD.

>>45319178
Again, you're assuming there'd be no way to stop these WMDs.

>>45319249
I know it shouldn't, but that fills me with a bit of giddy pride. What is the exact definition of megafauna? Is it just "anything human sized or bigger", or is there a well thought out reasoning?

>>45319252
>They're old as fuck, and they're used not because of nukes, or MAD -- but because both belligerent states (or coalitions &c.) are roughly equal, and neither is sure which would beat the other.
To add; primarily because full-on conflict would lead to the economic destruction of both states, not because of the total actual destruction of both states. In this manner, they will still need to match forces against each other -- root of all power &c. -- but they can do this through the spread of their control over smaller states (preferably with a healthy dose of ideology á la Protestantism/Catholicism, democracy/autocracy, Communism/Capitalism/Fascism). In this way they can match powers -- through force AND economy -- without committing to the kind of desperate "oh shit now I must fight to save myself, rather than to enrich myself" along the lines of two rats facing each other, both with their backs against the wall.

>>45319276
>The most common thresholds used are 45 kilograms (100 lb)[1][2] or 100 kilograms (220 lb).[2][3] This thus includes many species not popularly thought of as overly large, such as white-tailed deer, red kangaroo, and humans.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Megafauna

>>45319276
>megafauna
The most common thresholds used are 45 kilograms (100 lb)[1][2] or 100 kilograms (220 lb).[2][3


>>45319298
>Get asked a question
>Get beaten to the punch by the clown

>>45319312
The only clown here is you.

>>45319245
> Now there's an assumption and a half.

Actually, it isn't. How galactic civilization responds to the technology is up for debate, but the sheer power required to travel faster than the speed of light greatly exceeds that which is needed to destroy a planet.

The math on the albecurrie drive says that in order to create a spacial distortion bubble that allows you to accelerate to 101% the speed of light, you need to take an amount of mass roughly equivalent to the entire planet of Jupiter, and then convert it into pure energy.

If you can't figure out how to blow up a planet with that much energy, you are not trying very hard.

Even alternative forms of FTL, like wormholes, require massive amounts of power and can easily be used as catastrophic weapons (ex: opening a wormhole inside of an enemy planet. If the space-time warping of the event horizon doesn't shatter their planet like a mirror, their molten mantel and core being sprayed out into space like a firehose will).

It would take a very, very specific and unrealistically safe version of FTL that isn't absurdly dangerous if used as a weapon. Because you are basically asking for "what if we took every nuclear weapon on the planet and detonated them at the same time?" levels of power and want nothing bad to happen if intentionally misused.

>>45319312
:(

>>45319337
>the sheer power required to travel faster than the speed of light greatly exceeds that which is needed to destroy a planet
I do not think you understand that there are a vast amount of random theories as to how FTL works in separate sci-fi worlds; claiming that one is the real one is stupid, especially seeing as in the real world it might not even be possible.

Hell, people could use the Warp.