Post funny / silly / useless magic items.
These are running boots, not boots for running in. Your speed is increased by 2, and at the start of your turn you must take a move action to run your speed. Failure to do so through immobilisation or otherwise causes you to fall prone and the boots run away.
BOOTS OF GREAT TRACTION
Wearer cannot move, but also cannot be moved by others, except by teleportation (in both cases). If grabbed, the grabbing enemy is also immobilised until it lets go.
HANGMAN'S NOOSE OF FLIGHT
When around an individual's neck, that individual gains the ability to control the Noose's flight path. They cannot fly themselves, only the noose can. The noose stops flying if the individual removes their neck, falls unconscious or dies.
Helm of Opposite Alignment
Upon donning this helm, there is a sharp cracking sound, and your back feels much better for 1d4 hours. Save vs Will DC 10, on a failure you believe that this has cured you of another health condition as well.
Throne of Elimination
This padded seat fits a standard privy (or can be placed over a latrine). One round after sitting on it, your bowels empty quickly, completely, and comfortably (Fort DC20 to resist if unwilling). This takes two rounds, and so long as your ass was bare (ie you didn't crap in your pants) it will be perfectly clean.
half of these are unfunny. the other half are funny because the average /tg/ user can easily think of situations where those items are useful.
for example, the wand of create wand is an endless source of wood/metal/whatever it's made of, and the genie can be made to fulfill wishes properly by making him read the wish off a page.
Chalice of Merriment
Although to onlookers it appears you are drinking normally, nothing you drink from this cup will actually enter your mouth. It disappears instead. For all other purposes the cup behaves normally.
Originally invented to allow a king to carouse safely with his treacherous nobles, it quickly started to be used by the nobles themselves to stay sober at parties without refusing hospitality.
I agree. IMO it's more fun to imagine items that make perfect sense in a big civilized magical empire but which are silly or seemingly useless in the typical D&D world where the great empire fell long ago.
Jokes on you, the genie only reads in wingdings
nope, you can recharge wands, which would probably let you hire more people for a faster rate of generation.
the wealthy would pay good money for this, especially if they have gastrointestinal difficulties. PROTIP: everyone beyond a certain age has gastrointestinal difficulties.
torture your prisoners by only offering them this as food.
more free materials. lots of wood, plenty of fabric, some metal parts. usefulness depends on the type of boat "launched".
embalm the corpse, put it in a crypt and use the scroll in conjunction with a permanency spell. your visage is now preserved forever.
good for practicing your debating skills.
sell it to someone who has the [aquatic] subtype. they'll probably pay you a lot of what passes as currency under the water. after all, cooking with geothermal vents is probably impossible without magical assistance.
if you have 20 ranks in animal handling, this should be virtually priceless to you.
if you're definitely about to die otherwise, wearing this is a far better alternative. alternatively, bluff your enemies into wearing it.
if you wear it and squeeze the water out of its folds, you have an unlimited source of water.
there are many effects that allow you to circumvent the need for air, if you even need to breathe in the first place. and you can put something soft between the noose and your neck to protect it from the damage that would result from being yanked around by a rope.
I cast silence on it.
cheat at running competitions, maybe.
good for navigating planes with gravitational fuckery.
also, a wizard can generally research the spell made for enchanting non-artifact items and add it to their spellbook, allowing them to cast it on anyone. if the range of the spell is "self" it can still be modified at the cost of time and XP for use on others.
still useful with sufficiently insulated gloves, access to spells that make you fireproof, or as a thrown weapon which might catch your opponent offguard.
several of races do not use eyes to see.
sell it to a circus.
put them on when you need to jump, take them off when you don't.
allows you to create slippery floors that don't appear to be so. ambush enemies by pouring it on the ground and hiding in the shadows and you get a fight that starts out with half your opponents prone.
give it to an archaeologist; it might help with deciphering writings in unknown languages.
sounds good as it is.
can still be used in conjunction with portable holes.
study its enchantments, then use similarly enchanted rods to record all kinds of songs, poems and stories. make a huge archive. after some advertising, many bards and scholars should flock to your collection of wands, at which point you begin to charge for entry.
sell it to a circus; the ability to drink a large variety of harmful substances with no consequences should impress many crowds.
should be impressive-looking for someone to buy, especially if they think it's magic.
Phoenixes are reborn out of ashes. In standard D&D cosmology, they are rumored to be from from the elemental plane of fire, which in game design terms means their means of reproduction are left ambiguous on purpose so the DM can decide of the specifics. So who knows? They might have eggs. It depends on your setting.
You got me on the orb.
All proposals for new content must be tested for breakability. At least, that's the mindset I put myself in for the purposes of this thread. It's not like autism is ever a bad thing on /tg/.
Sounds like a pretty devastating weapon for use in desert warfare :^)
> the DM can decide the specifics
> All proposals for new content must be tested
If you're using these items in your game, it's because you're the DM, and you have the power to give these to players. You also have the power to stop them from exploiting their effects for powerplaying.
Belt of Animal Magnetism
>Animals that pass in close proximity to wearer are pulled into contact, and become very difficult to remove.
Quiver of Returning
>Arrows removed from quiver will immediately return to it.
Pendant of Identify Item
>Gives you the ability to tell if two people in close proximity to eachother are a romantic couple.
Bag of Copying
>Anything placed in bag will disappear, and be replaced by a perfect copy.
Ring of Polymorph
>When placed on a finger, this ring will polymorph into a random Small or Tiny sized creature. Upon removing the creature (or its remains) from the finger will return the ring to its normal shape.
This is actually really useful in an old school dungeon crawl which may feature lots of disguised and/or very gentle slopes that are designed to lead parties downward without them realizing it.
Flask of endless stank
When opened, slowly fills the room with a foul rotten milk stench. The flask can hold a few times more liquid than it looks like it should but it will forever produce that goddamn milk stink no matter how hard you wash it.
>Belt of Animal Magnetism
> >Animals that pass in close proximity to wearer are pulled into contact, and become very difficult to remove.
This would be useful, you'll never be dismounted.
Sword of the Jester
The sword of a famous Jester, the blade, when exposed to the inside of ones body, retracts into itself. Completely useless for inflicting anything besides the most minor of marks, but is great for sword swallowing acts.
Funniest one I have had was funny more for how it was presented. PCs kept asking for a magic item to help, so I rolled randomly. ended up with +1, Flaming, intelligent rapier. 10 ranks in Knowledge fashion.
Yes. it was flaming. The swashbuckler that was the leader of the party was handed it...and then everyone heard "Oh no you are NOT taking me out adventuring wearing THAT"
>A sentient lockpick?
A sentient piece of metal which is small and innocuous? why such a item is a wonderful find. however its potential is completely wasted on picking locks. rather simply place this item in some random room for which you wish to eavesdrop. pick it up later and have it tell you what it learned.
compliance can be achieved by threatening to practice picking locks.
BAG OF HOLDING
This bag seems to always be filled with soft fabric but when opened, nothing is there and nothing will fit inside. If the bag is not being hugged, it emits a faint crying that slowly grows in volume. If the person hugging the bag is crying, they will have the sensation of being hugged but no one will be there hugging them.
There was a thread where someone doodled other people's silly magic items. I don't remember what they all did though. This one, for example
Blanket of Ambient Temperature
Blanket that will always adjust the user's temperature to that of the surrounding air.
I don't know what this one was either
Cloak of Silence
Makes the wearer perfectly silent. Makes the wearer perfectly deaf.
I think this one was implied to be just a cloak that made you deaf, and you only thought you were silent. I dunno
Whenever you reach into the pockets of this coat, your hand will come out of a random pocket within 100 feet of you.
Codpiece of magic missile
Can cast magic missile by pelvic thrusting 1d4 times per day
>Compass of the Skeleton
A Compass that is always oriented to point towards the nearest skeleton
Cube of Magic
Anyone who sees or holds this cube is immediately aware of its innate magical nature. Even those who have never studied or are otherwise unfamiliar with magic. Has no other unique qualities.
Snake Eyes Dice
Always rolls snake eyes in the presence of reptiles.
That actually sounds pretty neat as a background prop.
>so, you want to be the wizard's apprentice? See that cube? The cube's magic. Now take it and don't come back until you can tell me which three items on this shelf are also magic.
It's pointing to the skeleton of the person holding the compass. I don't know why it says "do you hear something" though
And these aren't all meant to be useless. They're all random things people were saying in the thread at the time.
It's a brick
Ah, I found the thread on the archive. Here's a link to it if anyone wants to see the rest with their original descriptions and not the ones that I was remembering poorly.
Posted this two days ago, but what the heck:
>Slippers of Archdevil Aroboranus
Pair of silky comfortable felt slippers, as tough as steel, that as legend says, hold the trapped soul of Archdevil Aroboranus, who was defeated by a mad wizard, using the devil’s fleeting life energies to create these magic slippers, which grant their wearer the abillity to slide across any surface (as if skating), one inch from it. This includes up/down/sideways on walls and even ceilings, etc.
Grants climb speed equal to the wearer’s normal movement speed, however if the wearer stops taking a move action with their maximum speed in a round, or starts going in the opposite direction they went last round, they fall off of whatever surface they were “skating” on.
Not entirely useless, but getting hit by petrification while skating around the 50 feet high ceiling can fuck you up.
Had it happen.
Later the group found out the history of the slippers. Suffice to say the Wizard fucked the Archdevil's life in a spell mishap, in return for which the Archdevil pretty much fucked the Wizard's entire side of a continent.
This was the Wizard's idea of justice.
This could actually be massively useful (and massively suicidal) in a charismatic character's hands.
>"Say, why don't we have a bet?"
>Takes out coin.
>"Heads or tails?"
>"Alright. I'll bet it won't be heads then."
>Tosses coin, and asks. "Do you feel lucky?"
>Coin lands on edge.
>"Well, that definitely isn't Heads, isn't it?"
I think the other anon meant that you could use a spell to suppress the magic aura of the ring itself specifically, so that it can't detect itself, but still can detect other things.
In addendum, if you're a Spymaster (I think that's the one), you also have an ability to suppress the magic aura of all your equipment at will, so it would be useful for someone like that.
>It's actually not malfunctioning, It simply operates on the accurate assumption that a lie occurs when a person tries to explain something he has incomplete knowledge of.
>The enchantment is a rather ingenious and intricate bit of spellcraft, ensuring no means beyond divine intervention will trick it... But it also means that after the maker's death, there's no one in the multiverse who can accurately describe its mechanism.
A flail that can swing about on its own, but tends to just swing about at random with no real sense of direction. When used as a weapon, roll a d6. On a 1 or 2, you hit yourself for half-damage, no matter what you later roll for a d20, but you only do full damage on a natural 1. On a 3 or 4 the flail swings off to the side, either missing completely or doing damage to one enemy on either the left or right side of you, depending on if it is a 3 or a 4 respectively. On a 5 or 6, you hit or miss as normal, depending on what you roll on a d20. On a 7 or 8, you hit the enemy, no matter what you roll with a d20, but you do not get a crit except on a natural 20.
HAPPY FUN BALL
A seemingly harmless rubber ball that can and will, at random moments, cause a variety of catastrophic effects to everyone in the vicinity. Completely ignores all resistances and immunities, including those of its user. Sold cheaply and marketed as a children's toy. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Not to be the power gaming autist, that could be used for kinds of unintended shenanigans. Leave the bottle with an invisibility spell in an enemy camp to completely wreck their morale
>Decanter of Endless Tungsten
Actually a miniature portal to the Plane of Tungsten, it will doubtlessly serve as amazing source of resources for the upcoming industrialization of the kingdom, just as soon as someone figures out how to get the solidified Tungsten out of it without melting the decanter.
>Ring of Tell-apart
Made by a slightly deaf wizard for an ultimately disappointed, then disemboweled, adventurer, it grants the wearer the ability to distinguish between similar objects and creatures. While this ring does NOT grant the ability to teleport out of monster dens or dungeons, it's invaluable to the social/racial/magical superior who still needs to interact with their lessers.
>Helmet of Hearing
This genie-made helmet allows the wearer to hear everything within a ten-mile radius. Not anything, EVERYTHING.
Oops, am typically drunk when saving filename thread stuff and make mistakes
Probably! Better buy, like, six of them, just in case.
>The Scales of Judgement
A set of bronze scales which bitterly critiques anything put on it.
>Statscowski's Seven-Sided Cube
"The seventh side is the INSIDE"
>Scroll of Divine Guidance
Tells the reader what they've done wrong with their life according to their current diety of choice. Athiestic readers are directed to the nearest temple/place of worship/sacrificial altar/etc.
>Bag of Hoarding
Items placed in bag cannot be removed until the owner dies.
A pipe made from sacred wood collected from a Dryad's grove. When loaded with tobacco, hashish, etc. and offered to someone, they must pass a difficult check to resist the compulsion to ignite and inhale the contents of the pipe.
Note: Spriggans and Dryads abhor the use of aggressive poisons, and the compulsion effect will not activate if the contents of the pipe have been tampered with or poisoned.
RING OF LOLIFICATION
Turns the wearer into a loli.