Ladies and Gentlemen! I, the Great Warrior Nyle Ransdorm, Slayer of the Red Dragon, Rexyevortel, Destroyer of the Great Arch-Lich, Borvexto "The Restless Sleeper", Peace Bringer to the Three Towns of the Broux Ravines, and Tamer of Deadly Beasts of the Luxicona Plains, would personally like to welcome each and everyone one of you to this; The first official meeting for "The Guild of Mighty and Minor Adventurers"; otherwise soon to be known throughout the land as "The Adventurers Guild"!
Now, before the meeting actually begins, I wish to state that I know this meeting was called for on rather short notice, especially given the fact that our guild was only recently chartered by the local Kingdoms of Authoran. But I feel that several issues need to be dealt with before they really get out of hand.
First of all, whoever it is that has been breaking into the local Governor's residence in the middle of the night in order to "Beautify", his sleeping face while leaving notes stating "Well aren't you a pretty little princess now", please stop! It's getting out of hand, and Lord Governor Giallet Von Born-Vinter has threatened to increase "The Adventurers" Tax to the point where our "Minors" will no longer be able to continue adventureing with us.
Secondly! The First Annual "Guild Bake Sale For Those Suffering From Petrifaction Issues" is less then a week from now, and I have yet to receive any acknowledgements as to who is going to be involved in this. Remember people, we're doing this in order to improve the Guild's image with the local kingdoms after that fiasco last week with Archiburs "Rod of Eternally Rock"...
And Finally! Rumors of yet another "Dark Lord of Eternal Darkness and Endless Sadness" have been popping up here and there throughout the land for the past few days, and I shouldn't have to tell you what it cost the last "Adventurers Guild" to deal with him. So we shall need to come up with a plan to deal with him; just encase the rumors happen to hold true.
Gr'uh, Bah Crug tol' Shiny man 'e to bi'sseh bakin' pies ta help wit' da' bakes sales! What els' we gun'a be eat'sing?
>so I got
This idea from the thread about nationalist paladins when someone brought up the original ones who fought with Charlemagne
And that was to make some kind of Germanic barbarian Christian pagan holy warrior fusion thing or does that sound ridiculous
Hello fellow adventures. I am from a land far away and have newly arrived at your guild. As you can see I am newly registered and thus not a match for you I am sure. Can you please give me information about your country and it's most powerful people.
go for it then
Does no body have anything to say for this meeting? Or are you all just here due to the promise of free food and drink? If so then I, Nyle Ransdorm, Slayer of Ten Thousand men! Destroyer of the Cult of Trenavu "The Loser", Champion of the Gods, am utterly disappointed in all of you!
Of course my friend, of course! The Guild will gladly accept all and answer all! My only question is, what is your name and where are you from?
Unfortunately the guild knows not where it is! Let alone if he even exists! but if you do find out please alert me or one of your "Mighty" higher up's immediately!
>With a hearty laugh the Guild Master smack your back
Well Momon! Do you mind if I call you Momo?
Ask me or the other guild members any questions you have! Or consult our ever growing library, that we surely haven't been stealing from the Mages guild!
Hello primitives! Let us let bygones be bygones, yes?
I am here to assist in the Bake Sale. The missus is in a bisecting mood and I was forced to leave.
My souffles are to die for, and I assure you, many have died for it.
EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT MY FACE IS A GODDAMN NEWSPAPER.
LOCAL GUILD PLANS TO ANALLY RAPE THE DARK LORD OF ETERNAL DARKNESS AND SHIT WITH AN ARMY OF CHILDREN
>The middle aged guild master would turn to the Dark Elf, a look of anger momentarily upon his face, before going back to it's usual cheerful look.
YOU! I remember you! So I see you have turned against the Vile Evil in your Dark Elf heart, and joined our ever growing guild in order to atone for your dark actions!
I don't think you want to get into a stink with the Ink
Y' small man have tha' weird paper over face? Also Y' he shout so much? Is hurt Crug's head... Maybe you try "Holy Script Pie" Crug make. Crug hear it make things better... Or worses.
>She walks in and then shows a list of greivances the mages have put towards the adventurers' guild
>Breaking into the Mages' Guild..
>Stealing artifacts from Spellbound..
>Regular Adventuring things that have pissed off some mages
Uh..basically they want you guys to stop or...they're going to blow up the guild.
P-Peach Cobbalar? Wha' dat? I' He some kinda, uh, Bad guy or sumthin'? Crug no understand that kinda's stuffs... Crug only Adventure to find pie ingr-ingredi-... Things for baking pies!
DROW ARE NOT ELVES!
LOOK AT MY TOUGHENED DARK HIDE!
MY PURPLE IRISES!
MY EARS JUTTING INWARDS INSTEAD OF OUTWARDS.
DO I STILL LOOK LIKE AN ELF TO YOU?!?
Hey Chronocommoner! Stuck forever in a repeating cycle of the stupidity inherent to your kind.
Make yourself useful for once and send me back so I can kill all the elves.
BLOW UP THE GUILD?! DO THEY WANT A GODDAMN WAR?! DO THEY HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THEY'LL UNLEASH?! WHAT KIND OF SICK BASTARDS THIS GUILD KEEPS ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END WHEN THEY WOULD OTHERWISE BE RUNNING AMOK, WREAKING HAVOC UPON THE GENERAL POPULACE?!
BIG FUCKING PROBLEM
>as an elf, she can have an opinion
What!?! This is outrageous! ABSURD! UTTER MADNESS! NINE PITS OF HELL INSANITY! We've only done HALF of the things on this list at most! Not to mention we we're given express permission from the local kingdoms to form! You take this list right back to the head of your guild and tell him "No"... Though I do apologize for the rogues breaking in... I just told them to stop earlier.
We have a word for what you look like where I come from but we generally refrain from using it
But surface lore states that you're dark elves due to the fact that you rebelled against the other Elven races in order to worship your dark and vile gods! If they teach you otherwise, then I am sorry to state but your species needs to clean itself up... Quite literally. Uhm... No offence of coruses
-the door opens and i strange figure enters, it is fagile being, with a strange bulbous head and big eyes, it has an octopus for a head and wears simple robes with some pieces of coral atached to them. Carrying a staff made of some rusty metals that looks like it came from a sunken ship, and he says:-
>Hello my fellow... -he looks at the sign written the name of the guild-.. adventurers, i am the not so known druid called Situ Orbis, i came from a far away land, where my people are hidden from knowledge of the world above the waters
-he takes a small pipe made from dark wood and lights it up, takes a hit and continues his explanation-
>After all my years of studying i've discovered the truth and after reading somw forbidden books i learnd your language, but i was caught, and banished from my land. Yet all my downfall i saw it as an opportunity to discover the vast ocean and even the vast earthly land. And know i look for knowledge and people that i can trust upon my way
>Crug tilts his head in confusion at the "Dark Elf". To stupid to understand why he doesn't like being called an Elf when he is one... Just with a weird skin color.
Uhg... Crug no understand y' you'z angry, But you'z should tries Crug's "Rotten Tum Tail Surprise" Pie... They make feels bettah!
We don't worship 'vile' gods, we worship 'BILE' gods. In this case, a spider with some rather unfortunate stomach problems. And who is to say what they teach is correct?
Ah! A new face, of a new race! Welcome! Welcome to the Guild of mighty and minor adventurers! I am Nyle Ransdorm! Slayer of a thousand Sahuagin, Destroyer of the beholder god "Velerxrwe The Broken", and the leader of this fine Guild!
Can I help bake for the Bake sake? There was only a 72% Mortality rating last time! Im improving!
> The guild master would harshly slap the back of the Drow's head, ashamed that one of his guild members would do such things.
Stop that damn you! We shan't be rude to our guests! So hide your vile races normal tendencies for five minutes will you!
I apologize on behalf of this nit-wit and his entire race. please have a seat and join us in our discussion of.... What exactly was this meeting about again? Something about a bake sale?
Ah yes! Of course, the bake sale, and absolutely NOTHING else!
My this meeting is going better then that time I and Milina kicked your elven ass the other day! What made it better was that nothing important but that blacksmiths garden was lost.
I AM DIRJIN-uh last name excluded lest the missus find out about what I've been up to-, RAIDER OF THE UNDERDARK!
SLAYER OF MEN AND ELVES!
BAKER OF THE GREATEST SOUFFLES!
And terribly bored which is why I haven't slain all of you yet.
I DID NOT LOSE! I LEFT THE OVEN ON! I THOUGHT I MADE THAT CLEAR!
Well greetings tiny Kobold! It is good to see so many of the monstrous races giving up their vile and evil ways in order to pave way for progress! No offense intended of course... Food and drink are at the back of the room, same with the sign up papers! I hope that you'll make myself, and the Guild proud, soon to be "Minor" adventurer!
I heard about thy guild through some robed strangers, they laughed silently after a saying something about how there would be smart people who could help me in here. I sensed some irony in their words.
> The Middle aged, Human fighter would slap you across the back of the head once again, this time three times as hard as before.
Quiet down Dirjin! You're scarring the tinier "Minor" Adventurers, while shouting about a battle nearly forgotten in which you yourself lost to me, and Millina.
"Perhaps you would like my expertise in these matters? I could help with the tasting-After all, no food has made me ill in years! It's a shame I'm not allowed to help anymore with cooking events; apparently my creations were a bit too 'unorthodox' for the commensals."
That is because we were only recently were charted after the complete and utter annihilation of the previous Adventurers Guild!
Uhm.. Crug? Could you maybe help the young lady with the baking? I think she's putting weapon polish into her cooking...
Yeah... We tend to get that a lot... But don't worry! We're well on our way to fixing our image after Archiburs "Rod of Eternally Rock" Incident last Thursday.
Ah, a sweet healer how did I not notice you before? No matter, the missus will never know!~
My dear, I am a very good baker, I would gladly show you how you may improve your cooking. All I ask in return is a little...favor...of sort. Yes, a "favor"~ (one of those types of favors ifyouknowwhatImeanspidergod)
I'm pretty sure that is not flour, it seems like magick powder to me
>the flour is sparklying like glitter, i go over, take one cookie, break it, making pure powder out of it, snorts it.
OOOH YEAH, that my friend, is the shit that makes you go flying... Know i'm hungry, give me more of that space cake
I've heard of such a race, you seem a little scared, come near me, i'll make sure those dark elves don't mess with you
>he says that with blood shot eyes because of the pipe and the powder
>HE'd thoroughly read through "Klip-Klips" sheet, noticing that it says he has killed three dragons, four liches, 8 orc tribes, and has also slept with over 200 different woman.
Quite the Background you have here little friend! Quite the story! But... are you sure you haven't blemished it... just a bit?
>Once again, the Guild master would slap the back of the Drows head. This time so hard a bump quite literally appears on the back of his head.
Enough Dirjin! Don't you have sign up papers to sign?
>Looks with worry
I presume that is not half-succubus slime extract, isn't it? And we should move to a more clean cooking area, perhaps? I mean, I am a fan of cooking in the middle of the field, but this is in any way a good place to cook at all!
Oh, sir Kobold, are you a fan of sugary treats? Perhaps you'd like to come to my kitchen in a few days, and I'll whip up a feast for you, but please, don't eat the ingredients raw!
>Ewwwwww its that healthy sugar altenative crap
Hey i was using that both of you!
>She turns to you and gives you the well practiced evil eye of healers who dont appreciate your shenanagins
No. Bad. Dont make me get my whooping staff.
Why not? Its close enough to milk right? And I wanan see whats going on!
What? What's wrong? Is it about the bake sale? I mean, we're just doing it in order to assist with "Support those who suffer from Petrifaction" Foundation. Isn't that a good thing?
Yes, yes fine, of course Guild Master Ransom.
Let's see here.
Blah,blah,blah name, blah,blah, "responsibilities" yeah right, blah blah blah.
WOAH WOAH WOAH
Code of conduct? What is this dribble?
Yes, indeed, when used adequately the content does provide for a rich substitute for milk, yet it cannot be certainly used raw like that!
>Starts looking around his bag
Can some people clear a space? I need a large table to do my work!
>the image you guys had of an intelligent druid reasearcher disappeard, and in that place a high octopus person trembling with energy takes place
WHO WANTS TO DANCE??? HEY BARD, HIT IT UP WITH SOME NICE SONG OF YOU LAND
>I get up dragging the small defenseless klip-klip by the hand and using all my wriggly might to rock the dance floor with the shy Klip
How the hell did this meeting turn into prepping a week early for the bake sale... I mean, weren't we supposed to be talking about something that might be REALLY important to our survival? Something about rogues... or breaking and entering into a "Darklord of all's" base or something?
Send my regards to the head of the Mages Guild!
>Why was it they were here again? Probably to ask for help fix some stupid thing that their necromancy or Chronomancer Department helped create...
Don't worry about that Dark Lord, I believe some of my fellows will be passing by for ingredient gathering soon and his lair does certainly house some unique specimens, mayhaps I'll join them as well!
>Slides over and leans against your left shoulder, sipping from his wineskin.
>Remembers to swallow his wine too late, a good splash down the front of his own robes.
Sorry. You know what would go great with saving this place? A bake sale to fund the inevitable repairs we need to make from someone getting liqoured up and rowdy.
Well unlike with the Mages Guild, we here at "The Guild for Mighty and Minor Adventurers", actually have a code of conduct, and have a set of Morales about what our wizards CAN and CAN'T do in their free time... It saves on how much time we have to spend destroying armies of undead and elementals... Sue me...
Don't worry, we aren't going to start the actual cooking of the cake here! After all, we are only going to proceed to purify the essence, which is more of an alchemical process than actual cooking itself! And slime essence is notably resistant to degradation even under bad conditions.
Oh, we're thankfully insured for that, so don't worry.
...Wait.... How the hell did you get in here!? I thought I put up a sign saying "No drunks or EVIL demons allowed"!
>i hear the discussion and it peaks my interest
Evil lord i hear?
>i puke a little of a black substance but it doesn't shake me at all, but my words are becoming clearer and less pot headed
I would like to go on that expedition if you wouldn't mind. Well, can someone get me a bucket of water?
That old thing? I thought I had the Gnome lawyers strike that one off? Weird... I always did hate that rule... It almost never made sense to me; well except for that time that Meret and Grella got together, only for the rest of us to discover that Meret was an Incubus and Grella was a doppelganger... I hear they own a tavern near Trentvile and have 3 kids.
I don't even know how to begin answering that question. Besides I'm not a drunk. I'm a monk. A monk who likes his special brew. Also punching things. I can see how it gets confusing, sounding so similar.
>Shuffles over to an empty chair, sipping from his wine skin again.
>Raises his right eyebrow for a moment.
Odd folk around here. Uh, does anyone know where "here" is?
also can someone PLEASE explain where all of OUR Mages are? I mean, I see Crug, but all he ever does is use magic to make pies... I swear if they're doing something stupid...
My apologies, but we don't allow for outsiders to accompany us while harvesting ingredients-Unprepared people tend to ruin the ingredients before we can obtain them.
Well, want me to stay here for the meeting or not? Leaving the hall would prevent me from participating, and this process, while routinely for someone of my experience, takes its time.
>Takes out a couple of vials
Now then, if you'd let me get to work..
Here's your web damned papers.
I assure you, this is only a formality and any attempts to enforce these conditions upon my person will cause me to go out of my way to break them.
Now that's settled. Let's do something heroic! Like slaughtering those filthy mages before they destroy the world...again...
U'z go looking for Pies making ingr-indrei-YUMMY THINGS for pies? Me does same thin'!
You shou' try Crug's "Floating Boaty" Pies! It make you feel like you drink funny tasting juice! Though that do to Crug using Funny tasting juice to make it.
>I, back at my senses, say:
Sorry to interupt your work, but i acn't shake the fact that you think i am unprepared? Ok, what do i need to prove to you so i can get your respect my great chef?
>i am locking eyes with Nyle in full challenge mode, but with a touch of snark and superiority, but still with respect
>a hideously bejeweled humanoid with a bulbous tentacled head and coked-up eyes bursts through the double doors
AYYY How's it going N'wahs?!
Bout to flay some shit up in here am I right?
Dirjin, MAH MAN. Word is these Wiztards are giving the guild some real shit this time, you down for a raid and laid? Spells on me, wenches on you as usual
They summoned up a succubus and partied until they passed out again probably.
ITs so annoying, But I think a healer had it reinstated to get their party to leave them alone.
Wait... do you mean our Mages or the Mages Guild mages? Because if it's either or, then we might be screwed and I'd rather not have our insurance go up this quickly from the Mages Guild blowing up our Guild hall in retaliation.
Clust cyllell yn siarad doethineb.
Hefyd , lle yfed?
Crug, have you forgotten? I'm not ever sharing ingredients with you again, particularly when it's related to members of the Aberration family! I have no idea how you managed to reanimate that Drag-Ooze while you were cooking it, and I don't want to see another tentacle incident at my kitchen again!
Perhaps you could prove yourself, but not on such a short notice, and you wouldn't be allowed at such an important event as an initiate to our secrets! You must understand, some of our martial techniques are carefully-kept secrets that we won't tollerate being leaked to outsiders!
OH SHIT, THE WIZ WIZARD HIMSELF
LETS GO NAB SOME ARTIFACTS.
The guild of course, why would I hurt my new "comrades" in arms!?!
I call you all primitives but this really takes the souffle!
Why not another drink?
I could show you something akin to a tentacle!~
Another one like me? But you aren't from the underseas like me, are you? Well, at least i'm not the only tentacled folk around here.
>extends tentacle hand to shake flyer normal hand (my hand is made of 2 tentacles combined, they are together forming a two fingered hand)
Okay, I'm gonna pretend like you ain't sayin what you're layin. But if you continue to slay my inner flay I'm gonna have to bounce. Now I know we didn't part on the best terms last time,
Johannes, my main dish, my Johannes Bretheren, you know I've apologized many times for past 'incidents' (which, might I add, I still maintain my innocence with regard to my involvement) but I'm ready to put the past away, as one might say, and get back to a new era of flay. Who's with me?
I can protect you from bullying in return for a..."favor"(ifyouknowwhatimsayingspiderlegs)
Can we get a translation spell, or enchantment or other such nonsense? And I think your language is awful.
Rolled 49 + 15 (1d100 + 15)
>The 6'6, 35 year old Fighter would tower over the far smaller healer, using his intimidation factor on her
Oh yeah? and what are YOU gonna do about it healer?
rollin' intimidation factor, +15 cause well, he's intimidating
WOAH that's a hell of a hook you got there. Shit mayne, I didn't think we got too many suckers up here.
>shakes hand and slips small pouch of what appears to be crushed coral into it
Alright man, the flay is always ready for some play. Anybody else wanna hit the Winking Warlock and see who can steal the fattest occipital lobe?
Rolled 71 + 60 (1d100 + 60)
Dear, it was most certainly not the "fun" kind of tentacles.
I had checked it myself, and that Ooze was dead by any and all standards! You can bake your pies, but you shall have none of my ingredients nor my assistance.
You think you can bully my soon-to-be apprentice, guildmaster? I shall remind you that the wrath of the cooking god is not to be underestimated! As an inquisitor, I admonish you!
Seriously... Speak Common or get a mage or Scholar to help translate please! We're not the Mages Guild, and we don't all speak... Well whatever it is you speak miss!
THATS BULLSHIT! how the hells a baker got that much intimidation factor! you bake cake for gods sake!
Alright, alright just don't let her drool on the floor while she fantasies... bleh... Tentacles...
>Takes a long swig.
Eat shite, we all know which dark under you go raidin'-
>She looks at the wineskin for a moment, then back to Sohai.
Termi's balls, that is strong.
Rolled 10 (1d100)
There's nothing you gotta say when this Flayer gets to flay.
>for instance, I could tell you the snackpack with the healer's robes has a thing for the brothers of the Abyssopelagic persuasion. But that don't need no flaying to tell.
>the guildmaster however...
>He grins and nods to the wine skin.
Nid yw gwin, ond diod gadarn. Cysura dy hun...
It's my own brew. I don't want to give away the secrets, but it tends to cure what ails.
Maybe you'd like a demonstration of just how I go raiding?
>places hand on sword
>size her up
You'd like a demonstration of the type of raiding you're implying.~
But then again, you're no healer...
Oh, as a side note, tomorrow morning I'll be holding a seafood feast with the freshest ingredients. It would seem that the stock available has rapidly increased around here. Everyone is invited to participate.
Ok, so, how about we slip something in that cake of her before she earts it huh?
>i say while point to my badge written druid
I could make something that would make her more susceptible, what do you think?
>...the guildmaster probably, uhh, is into dick girls. Yeah. The flay has all the action right *pokes head* up *pokes again* here *pokes to punctuate his final point*
YO Dusty dick, toss the grog man! I'll light up a steamer of this here
>looks at the seaweed closely
GREAT BARRIER DMB
Cthulhu's balls man you DO like to party.
>Eventually the Fighter would give up and would simply chuckle heartily while patting the young healer on the head.
Fine fine! just don't drool on the floors while you fantasize!
once again wrong name!
Ayy man, the flay is down for play. But they rarely live past the day of playin when he gets to flayin, if you catch my drift. It's lobes not robes for me. I'm a Medullah man myself.
>Makes a very serious face again.
You'll need to find somebody who handles weaker brews. I spilled some of this on an Elder Brain once. The whole city of your kind suddenly started acting loud and rambun- Oh.
>Pours a flagon from his wine skin of infinite bounty and slides it over.
I think we might have accidentally met before.
Well it done taste like that shite that come out a wyvern gallstone if yous don't cut it right.
But in a good way, mind. Cheers.
Yous keep talkin' like that yous scutty scrag o' drake fruit sack I'll be wearin' yo lower intestine as a sock 'fore dawn.
...any nuts on bar, mind? Them red ones are tops.
speaking of which, I hope y'all don't mind if I take lunch in here. I get the mind munchies somethin' fierce after a binge
>pulls a man out of the duffel bag slung over his shoulder, along with a long crystalline pipe, the base of which is filled with the man's blood about halfway before he sprinkles in a small dash of seaweed and 'inhales', seemingly filtering the blood through his gills
Ahuhhh, HACK ACK AYYYAAACK oh god man that's a HARUGGHH a deep one.
>passes the steamer to Situ and begins to munch on the now screaming man's head
Is there a rule where everyone is allowed to smack me in the back of the head?
I wasn't going to do anything bad, I was just making her an offe--no, a CHALLENGE, of sorts.
Why do all the women I meet threaten to disembowel me?
Flay my squid, how can you eat such rubbish? It's unhealthy!
I propose a motion that guild members should have to submit to there superiors, SEXUALLY.
All in favor?
SHIT! That's right! We've waste all this time dealing with utter stupidity that we completely forgot coming up with a plan to deal with the rumors of a possible new "Dark Lord of Eternal Darkness and Sadness"!
>takes the flagon and inhales it deeply before spitting it back into the cup
That's the stuff alright. Damn man, you know you're on the non-euclidean wall of shame right? Sheeit, ol' Cathy-Lee had to get his stomach pumped. Guy went into some kind of fucking coma or some shit.
It ain't the size of the gills, it's the way you flay. Amirite?
>takes another long suck out of the back of the now vegetative man's head
Damn I love Hyborean
I'm not the one for blood, but i am sure the one for bongs, and the blood part can be fixed by becoming someone else, something else...
>Me as a druid of the seas can transform in anything from the sea. So i become a sharkman. And i take a big hit out of the pipe, and with my clawed finger i cut the flesh of the man Flay is eating and take a little bit of blood, and i snort it all the way, making the face of Bruce from finding nemo.
Mus' be all that charm you picked up down in tha' deep.
Why the piss we doin' 'nother cake sale? Why ain't we, y'know... adventurerising and the like?
I don't be needin' no motion to get into that goblin girls breeches. Well, except this one motion where I take my first two digits and me thumb and I- okay maybe that ain't fer yous ears, like.
You know I dig soul food man. Plus, this ain't no ordinary shit. I just got the big promotion man. Your'e talking to head supervisory Mindflayer of the 2nd floor mooks. I got 10 kobolds, 4 skeletons and a minotaur under my epic ass. Nothing but pure bred, magic-free, twice baked barbarian cerebrum from here on out.
Whatsamatter, scared you gonna lose the play to the flay?
Oh, you mean D-LEDS? I thought he went to Wicker Man. I must be behind on things. Should I give him a call or is he throwing one of those fits again? You know how he... well I guess you guys wouldn't know, my bad. He's like this sometimes.
Byddaf yn damned i wybod pam. Yr wyf yn Ddeffrois i fyny o dan y bwrdd ac yma dal ddim yn gwybod lle yr wyf!
If a scrap of information is what we're needing, leave it to a thief.
THIEF! GODS DAMN IT THIEF WHERE ARE YOU?!
Damn, go hard son.
>pulls another baggie of coral from pocket and applies it directly to eyes with a tentacle tip
oooOOOOOOHHHH R'lyeh Fhtagn!
>falls back out of chair and drops the human, which is now bleeding all over the carpet
>Wrinkles her nose.
No world of a lie, Dirj, but to my nose it seems like someone has been bakin' somethin' in here. Termi have mercy.
Dywedwch beth yr ydych am i'r urdd o lladron, maent yn edrych yn dda mewn lledr.
So yeah... About that "Coming up with a plan encase there is a new "Dark Lord of Eternal Darkness and Sadness"?
A Drow never kisses and tells(pfft that's bullshit but these dumb adventurers don't know any better), and what the missus doesn't know won't hurt me any.
>Frowns as he looks at his robes.
They looked nicer on an old flame o' mine.
RIGHT! That. That's a ting. Do any of us know of any rumors regarding this, perchance?
Permanent encasing in a tree. It needs about fifteen druids, and it means no one can use his corpse or artifacts.
I told you man, relax. I'll give D-LEDS a call and take him out bowling or some shit and he'll be cool in a week or two. Just don't antagonize him, mkay? Plus, if that doesn't work I totally have some dirt on him from when we were roomies.
>never let your girlfriend tie you up, especially when her will save is shit and your roommate is the Flay.
I'll catch you guys outside. I gotta walk off that last bump and trick a few kids into a lynching or something to get back on the way o' Flay
>packs up pipe, throws deuces with face tentacles and beings to leave
Three bard? Lewd.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do, and if you do, do it the fley'weh, R'yleh
To answer your questions in order of appearance My dear friend.
First of all, WE didn't kill the last one. The Old and now completely destroyed Adventurers Guild did.
And secondly, If the rumors we've been hearing are true, it's supposedly a different guy rising to take his place.
I can get you those... But why?
But the sheet you signed asked you about that, and if I'm reading it right, it says you are. Also for Gender you just put "No thanks I'm dead"... That doesn't even make any sense! If the sheet had asked for "Sex" then maybe it would have!
You call yourself a druid? I see a man who put an octopus on his head. Likely a fetish of some kind.
Go ahead. I'll not concern myself with him just yet. Let some other heroes solve this issue. I have my business delving through the Il'Kh'Ux woods.
>Unwraps the right half of his robes top and holds up the fabric, the an old sorcerer robe, tattered and beaten, a silken cloth exterior with an inner lining of leather.
Only part. It's all I've got left, save the memories.
Regardless, I'm in favor of finding and beating a Dark Lord whatever of such and such.
Uhm Miss? The Il'Kh'ux woods are 476 Miles to the North west.... and in the center of a small ocean....
Wait? Is this plan to find out if the rumors are true, or to kill him?
>Picking up the Kobold with his immense strength, The Fighter would simply stare intimidatingly into the Kobolds eyes.
Did you just rob our main lobby? Because that is a lot of potted plants you have there
What a racist lady, you call YOURSELF a druid without even knowing the species that roam around this plane, what a joke of a person. Trying to be all high and mighty with that pose but still knowing nothing, humble yourself a little.
>i say that hunched over to put my face really close and in front of hers because i'm still in my giant shark man form, and i'm using a chair leg to take pieces of flesh out of my teeth while talking to her
>Takes back his wine skin and places back the stopper.
The only thing that'll fix this is time, but thank you lass. Now then...
If I were a Dark Lord, where would I be hiding right now and what is the motivation for his or her currently nefarious or malicious plot and or antics?
You seem to know of the rumors, enlighten us!
>Instead of a snare drum being hit, the punchline would end with Nyle smacking the Drow upside the back of his head.
That was absolutely terrible Elf. But if that's the worst thing you can do, then it's no wonder you left the Underdark... You didn't actually leave you were simply kicked out!
Rolled 71 (1d100)
>i stare deep into his soul
Octopi are not people
>The Guild Master would give a slight shrug of his armored shoulders.
Just what I've heard so far... That some dark, shadowy figure has been running around with an army of Goblins, Ghouls, Skeletons, and other things and killing people around the area...
Unfortunately... The Details are sadly lacking in the best of cases... Some say he's armored, while others say he's just some 30 foot tall man...
Well if yous weren't goin' ta some plane of eternal torments, yous sure on ya' way now.
I say we jus' go an' be findin' the biggest ugly castle made o' black stone that we folks know of. They've no flair, these dark lord types. All the creativity of an especially unimaginative biscuit.
Oh simply not true, Guild Master of Miner Spelunkers!
Rather this was a calculated effort to make you considered my allies by association! Thus, when the missus comes a-searchin' for me, she'll take out all her wrath on you before she gets to me!
You'll be saving me a horrid fate, it's brilliant if I do say so myself! In payment, I would be more than willing to bake souffles and kill wimpy dark lords with you!
>Realizeing he's still holding onto the Kobold, and that he had just used him to smack the dark elf, Nyle would turn his gaze back to him before taking the sack out of it's hands.
No, You STOLE from Your guild... Go and loot a cave or dungeon, not a building.
I believe you mean Il'Kh'Ux, and yes, they are. Do you think that's an issue for me? I'll assure you that travel is not a problem I have.
>Stares up at him and blinks.
No, I don't think I will. This place seems more the place for arrogance than modesty, so I'll fit in.
>Rubs his bearded chin.
So we're looking for a halfling necromancer and it's orc or half-orc escort. I can see it now. The halfling riding in a pack, strapped to the front of an orcish frame. Oh so entertaining and double punchable.
>Looks around and shrugs.
Don't you lot look at me like that. We all know that rumors are always based off of the third hand accounts from a random peasant who survived some bullshite long enough to warn the next town.
WE GET PAID?
I thought you primitives did this out of the goodness of your heart or companionship or some other such garbage, and only took payment in what you could loot!
This will be the easiest bandit gig, I've ever been in!
I hope you enjoy having thorns thrust through your genitalia.
That's not innuendo.
I'll not cooperate with a waste of plant matter such as that. Unless you have a stone slate, I won't be filling it out.
>looking towards the kobold still in his hand, the Guild master would simply mutter "Sorry" Before using him to smack the Dark Elf upside the head.
Enough of your shitty puns and double en-tundras...
>He'd then place the Kobold back on the ground before once again apologizing.
By the way... How is it that you're able to ignore the pain of me pretty much repeatedly beating you over the head with a Kobold or my fist?
I heard about that one... Nasty bit of business if you ask me.
Reminds me of the time where the only witness me and my party could find to the burning of a small village was a literal Shrimp that the local wizard had kept as a pet... I'm not even joking, it was an awakened Shrimp!
I'm just saying that this makes TOO much sense now. Like that one time I drank a green dragon under the table. Whew! She was an easy slay.
Anyroad, I'm in agreement. We should venture forth and find the most monocolored and unimaginative structure located off of the beaten path and probably nestled against a mountain, cliff or is a stronghold in an underground city.
>Starts filling out a sign up sheet. Muttering what he fills out.
Alright... Sohai... Karis....
...I am in no way disclosing my age. It makes the elfish uncomfortable.
Unarmed combat, improvised weapons, alchemy, fieldcraft, herbalism,medicine, screw gravity, shows up in random ass places without any logical cause when nobody is paying attention...
Qualifications? I punched a dracolich into redeath that was made from a brainstealer dragon that I punched into redeath that was once a black dragon that I punched to near death. Does that count?
>Finishes writing up the sheet before turning it in.
>rushing in, dripping blood from every tentacle and tripping over the mantle to faceplant into the table
FUCK guys, guysguysguysguysguys
But GUYS, WE GOTTA MOVE. I don't wanna say exactly what went down, but it's ugly. The Necromancer failed his Will save. It's bad. It's REALLLY BAD. Well, it's mostly bad for you guys, seeing as you're not down with the Wight's Union.
>dropping a seaweed wrap produced from gaudy robes into a small water-filled apparatus resembling a crystalline inhaler
I mean, I've seen some bad shit but this is BAD SHIT. I done flayed my way outta my league and I don't plan to pay.
>jams the inhaler into gills and drags deeply
Ohhhh, man. I hope those mages know a few good clerics.
>crumbles to the ground off a chair
I'll uh, be around! You all take it easy! I'm off to find a healer that won't try to make a eunuch of me!
>slithers towards the door
A flay too far? That's cray. But what about the play? It needed to be done today!
Shite, I jus' sell the me kills, you wouldn't believe what some folk'll pay fo' fresh basilisk urethra, but pit if you're offerin' I'll take it!
...I ain't got a clue how many summers I seen, so can I jus' leave that blank? Ma left me on the side o' road on account o' the plague an' all.
>He'd quickly read through the sheet before handing it back.
You missed two parts, the one about weather you've ever bullied a healer or would want to, and the question on weather or not you're willing to spend an hour a day training the new "Minor" Adventurers!
>Knocks him in the back of the head like the guild master
Let's see what arrogance will bring you.
>Ps: sorry for absense, my pet snake head tortoise was being bullied by my rottweiler
Why would I bully a healer when I'm too busy napping, missing or drinking? I just can't fit that into my routine. I already viciously mock most magic users quite effectively when it's convenient. I once taunted a wizard into fireballing his own workshop if that amounts to anything.
As for training others, I'm not opposed.
Oh, i didn't get one when i came in
>i pick a sheet and sit in a table that looks like a little bench near me and start to fill it out
That reminds me, who owns this place? And what other room are in it?
Yeah that's fine. Most people leave it empty anyways... Well... Unless they plan to fill out the section on "Inter-party romance" then they usually do.
Also Basilisk Urethra? That's a new one I haven't heard before.
>gets down on one knee and embraces the brave little man
We need a hero like never before my scaly little friend. You, and only you can stop this. Go, take THIS!
>produces a small scroll from the crotch area of robe
THIS is a scroll of my own design. I call it 'Flay Away'. It's some pretty potent shit
>hits seaweed again
AHUGGGHHH but if you can get that to a mage and run your ass outta there fast enough it should solve all our problems. But remember, you gotta boogie as soon as you hand it off or you're gonna be sipping your liquified flies out of a reed straw till Cthulhu comes. Take it and go, GO! And hurry back with the news! Guild's 2 blocks down on the left, can't miss it, ultra pretentious, might be surrounded by the unspeakable. Just don't speak to them.
There will be time to play a'plenty, Pele, but we gotta fortify this heap or split if you can pick up what I lay.
We need backup, I'm gonna call the big O' in.
>eyes close and head tilts up towards the ceiling in a moment of intense focus
>hits seaweed again
Sweet. O'flay is on the way
That would be me who is in-charge.
Nyle Ransdorm, Slayer of the Ancient White Dragon Worwintage, Leader of the Ungatine Rebellions, Collapser of the Once Great but terrible "Castle of Succubi Sex", and finally! Guild Master of the "Guild of Mighty and Minor Adventurers"; Otherwise known as the Adventurers Guild!
>Finishes re-writing the missing parts.
I don't get along with most magic users. Bullying is possible but only if convenient for me at the time.
Will train or assist others if needed or requested.
And we have many rooms for all kinds of people here within the Guild! And while it may not be as big as the Mages guild (Damn them for their use of 4th dimensional mage fuckery that allows a 90 foot tower to hold thousands of rooms) We have quite the facilities. If an Adventurer would need it, we probably have a room for it somewhere!
>Tosses a peanut up into the air and catches it in her mouth.
I 'ave me moments, that I do. You ain't no so bad yoself boyo.
You don't wanna know what makes it so sweet tasting, laddo. Trust me.
I am not sure what we are supposed to do after Flays revelations, and i don't even know if all that was just hallucinations from my seaw-cof cof, i meant, his seaweed.
Hey, the Flay don't like to play the little guy but when somebody has to pay, the Flay don't play that way.
By the way, we should probably start putting up wards and shit in case he doesn't come back.
>Using his immense strength, Nyle would simply pick the Mind flayer up by one of hi tentacles before using them to throw it's ass out of the Guild
Yeah no... You dug the grave, you fill it
I'd reckon so.
>Reaches over to a bowl of nuts and idly sifts through them.
More a tavern than a guild hall. Well what do I know? Never been in a guild before. Usually sold off my services. Regardless, there's a something-something dark lord ender of things and bringers of dark and sad and... This all really is beginning to sound like an angsty bardic groups songs. What were they called? Thy Alchemic Enamor? Thals Balls do they bring in the sullen and obnoxious.
REGARDLESS! I've got ten gold saying that this dark lord is a halfling necromancer with an orcish servant that carries around it's master.
Looks like the Flay is here to stay, Bae now roll me a DC 50 Will save against 4d8 cerebral rape
>Raises her hands and puts her feet up on the table.
I ain't daft 'nuff ta bet 'gainst that kinda nonsense. Like as not, more chance it'll turn out truthful, such is the way o' things these days.
>Crosses her arms and gives the matter some thought.
Some part o' me hopin' for a nice lass, like one them drow. Legs fer days. Havin' said that, don't reckon I'd wanna put my axe in her if that turned out truthful. Hopes be we find a right ugly fucker, make the whole thing easy ta stomach.
Well if she's a looker, we can easily double team her. You split her along the front and I can fist her in the rear.
...wait that came out wrong. Or right... I don't know any more.
>Nods as he chuckles.
Well the last of my order and let's be honest, I'm a bad example of what they were. Either way, my point remains.
Your call, we aren't getting much further tonight.
>Stares at the mind flayer with a look of bewilderment before turning to the barbarian.
The name is Sohai, Sohai Karis. Yours?
>He held out a closed fist to her with a raised brow and sly grin.
Yeah perhaps we should let it go for tonight, though I'll bring it back in probably this Thursday and the same time. Not to bad though! I'll be honest, I was a bit afraid about how this would all roll out, by it came out damn nicely!
Honest. Honest Shy.
>She frowns at his closed fist for a moment before leaning over the table and grabbing it in her hand and giving it a hesitant shake.
Pleasure to be makin' your acquaintance, 'oly man.
Likewise Honest, likewise. Mind you next time I hold out my fist to you like that, feel free to punch it back. It's something of a traditional greeting among my order and our allies.
Mind you, monk I may be, cleric I am not. The way of the cloth differs greatly from the way of the fist.
>He gave her a knowing wink like he was letting her in on some obscure secret, pouring her a flagon from his wine skin and sliding it over.
>Gave a sheepish shrug and snatched the wineskin from the table before taking a healthy draught and wiping her chin with the back of her sleeve.
Lloniannau, may watchful eyes be upon yous brotha'.