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Alright Ambassador Anon. Your people were...
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Alright Ambassador Anon. Your people were right. The Space Elves and Hiveswarms have turned on us. Our worlds are being overrun, our treasuries have been emptied, and all our other allies have abandoned us.

I know our people have had a rocky relationship, but we are begging for you to save our people.
>>
>>44909897
Hire Space Mercenaries or place a bounty on their leaders' head. I'm sure an army or Samus Arans or Boba Fetts will be beneficial.
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>>44909969
>No more funds.
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>>44909897
Ambassador Ayy, we have a saying on Earth.

I told you so.
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No, fuck you. You didn't listen when we tried to help you then, so we're not going to help you now. Have fun getting buttfucked by the entire galaxy loser.
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>>44909897
We would be honored to assist our closest allies in their darkest hour, Ambassador Ayyy

But on one condition: All of your finest "agricultural" planets
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>>44909897
Do you guys not have guns?

If you do in fact lack armament, do you at least have ships?

Yes, you do, so what you do is you ram those fucking ships straight into their planets.

That'll teach those cheeky fucks.
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>>44909897
hmmm, I dunno.
Are the space elves hot and happen to be all chicks with big hooters? If yes, then we'll agree to help you.
Are the Hiveswarms something that just needs some killing and can be killed indiscriminately? if yes, then we'll agree to help you.

Otherwise, we'll have to Negotiate. Starting bid at saaaay, all your guns and sexy alien chicks will be ours or we'll let the big bad filthy xenos eat you?
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Ambassador Ayy,
We apologize, but they arrived just before you got here. Our hands are tied, we've had to make a deal with the space elves for some complicated reasons that don't involve our sex drive.
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>>44909897
First, give us all your tech as well as instructions on ways that it could be made to explode.

For safety reasons, ofcourse.

Second, stand well back.
>>
We got this. Just stay alive til we get there.
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>>44909897
>I know our people have had a rocky relationship, but we are begging for you to save our people.
Deal, but on a few conditions.

1) We request your support in our claim for every habitable planet within 100 light years of Sol

2) We get sole claims to the world of The Space Elves and the Hiveswarms

3) You put in a good word for us me with those fine ass Space Lizard Girls.
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>>44910027
What if the hive swarm is hot with throbbing spiracles and chitin as smooth as glass?

Whereas I'm pretty sure space elfs ALWAYS need indiscriminate killing.

>>44910063
Disgusting.
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>>44910737
Space elfs don't always need indiscriminate killing.
You see, our plan is to breed them out. Ya know. make sure that they only breed and give birth to happy, healthy human children. Just don't tell the xeno high command or anything. otherwise I'm pretty sure they won't let us kill them filthy xenos.

filthy xenos.

Besides, hive swarms are rarely hot and have any redeeming qualities, unless as hunting trophies.
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>>44909996
>implying the Space Elves don't have big treasuries & Hiveswarm-made trophies & products don't fetch high prices
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>>44909897
I ain't helpin you faggots, you kidnapped my great grandpappy and stuck things up his butt and then dumped him naked in the woods. They had to lock him up in a loony bin because no one would believe his fantastical story of alien ass rape. He was forced to flee and become unedumacated mountain folk hence my horrifical spelling and drawl. No, you know what, I'mma gonna call my jew lawyer friend and we're gonna have a talk about a little generational reparations. I bet you dun butt raped the elves too and that's why they comin back with a beatin stick for your ass.
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>>44910737
>>44910882
The space elves laugh at your plans. To choose an lmao over them is suicide. And with space elves, you get to pick your color. Ambassador Ayy here only comes in bug-eyed grey.
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>>44909897

One Condition: No more Anal Probes.
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>>44909897
Will you finally shut up about our catgirls?
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>>44909897

Certainly, Ambassador Ayy. The genetically engineered species you have mocked us in the past for are impeccable warriors, and we would be glad to lend you their aid.

We shall send in the catgirls and lewd elves at once.
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>>44909897
>Ambassador Ayy,
>We apologize, but they arrived just before you got here. Our hands are tied, we've had to make a deal with the space elves for some complicated reasons that don't involve our sex drive.
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>>44909897
What about those now only 93 inhabited systems we've laid claim to in the Orion Arm?

>>44911741
Even from a fellow human lewdness of that level should not be tolerated in a diplomatic setting.
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>>44911424
> Uncanny Valley Nazi "Female" Murder Elves

Anon, elves are NEVER good news. Besides, you might as well ask your GF Jenny Fromdablock to dye her skin blue and get her ears pointed and have a superior version that isn't Space Hitler with a side of condescension.

> Vs. the opportunity to Kirk a Whole New Frontier

Expanding not only Humanities technology (which Space Elves won't share anyways) but also their society and having the opportunity to integrate whole new points of views and thought processes into mainstream society.

Plus internal cloaca tentacles.

Remember, the Space Elves are saying "You're either with us or getting destroyed" and are already putting Humanity in a position of subservience.

Meanwhile the Hiveswarm is welcoming and respecting of sovereignty.
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>>44909897
Ambassador Ayy,

Told you so, you little grey bastard.

Hugs & Kisses,
Earth

PS. We'll be looting your technology as your race is slowly annihilated. Know that your fall will lead to our rise and supremacy.
In the words of our ancestors: 'Murica. Fuck Yeah.
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>>44911796
But those thighs, man, those thighs.
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>>44911914
>Meanwhile the Hiveswarm is welcoming and respecting of sovereignty.

You understand this is only because they prefer free range over caged, correct?
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>>44911796
>What about those now only 93 inhabited systems we've laid claim to in the Orion Arm?
85*, fellow ambasador.

One of our experiments went, ahem, "awry", and we ended up sublimating all organic life in that sector into a plasmatic goop.

On the plus side, there are now several dozen planets that are perfect for agriculture!
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>>44911943
>all their other allies had the same reasons for abandoning them
>turns into free-for-all to claim ayy tech
>elves and swarm just wait for everybody to weaken themselves before moving in for the kill

Nice job dooming us all.
>>
It's easy to see why they betrayed you. Your obsession with co-operation is your own failing, and makes your race seem like naive fools or leeches. Create your own monuments, your own warships, your own history. Stop wasting your potential by making everyone around you stronger, become stronger yourselves and be the people you were made to be. Humanity will defend your race simply because it is a matter of honor to defend those who cannot defend themselves, but after we stop them, you will be on your own again.
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>>44911509
You must be crazy, sir! They'll never be able to give that up!
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>>44912617
not unless we anally probe them first.
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>>44909897
We must repeat our old creed.
"Around Elves, watch yourselves."
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>>44909897
So about those star forming and protoplanetary nebula we wanted claims to...
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>>44909897
>Col. Oneill plz kill replicators for us again ayy lmao.
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>>44909897
Well, we'd like a generous supply of technology, especially that one that allows you to time travel.
Call our contacts in the Elves and Bugs, tell them to get ready
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>>44909897
Begging lesser races for help...

look how fucking far you've fallen.
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>>44909897
Of course not. In fact, consider this a declaration of war. Earth shall now lay claim to all those of your worlds which have not yet fallen to the other xenos and purge your vile race from existence. Prepare yourselves for the end.
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WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

WHY SHOULD WE WISH TO AID LESSER BEINGS?
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>>44917897
Exactly. These sentient vacuum cleaners have the right idea.
>>
Seeing as us humans breed like rabbits compared to the other races, why don't we just exterminate everyone else?
Or force them to bend to our will.

All in favor?
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>>44918071
Do they really though? In modern industrial societies, human reproduction is below replacement rate.
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>>44909897
Deal, but you will have to help us doing more monstergirls from now on, catgirls were just the beginning.

Someone fetch me the ears catcher, we'll soon have elf slaves to wat do.
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>>44918095
These aren't modern rates, anon.

These are super Sci Fi Nobel Bright Rates.
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>>44918095
Which is why we have to look towards Africa for solutions!
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>>44918201
The solution being so much poverty that it becomes a good idea to get a whole bunch of kids to work for you and care for you, but not such dramatically horrible living conditions that most of the buggers actually manage to survive childhood?
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>>44918177
Dubs don't lie, anons
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>>44918220
No, black hordes breeding like rabbits and running over the universe, conquering in the name of humanity.
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>>44918296
Sorry, didn't realize this was /pol/
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>>44910001
>Ambassador Ayy
everytime
>>
Is this a thinly veiled Quest thread?
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>>44918348
These threads show up about once a week or so.
It's sort of taken on a life of its own. It's kinda awesome
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>>44918323
Would it really bother you if the people flying to the stars weren't white, anon? It's just demographics.
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>>44918677
Not him, but yes
space is only for whites and asians; maybe hispanics if they're not too tan.
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>>44918677
I'm no scientist, but we need to be careful when we send out breeding populations, we have a great opportunity to stop a bunch of genetic diseases from taking hold in our colonies
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>>44918907
Most genetic ailments are so prominent, anon, that even the most 'pure' of genomes will still carry the slight chance of passing on a genetic disease to their kids.
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>>44918965
I think the point he was trying to make is that we'd have a chance to potentially breed it out.
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>>44909897
we will help you Ambassador Ayy
but in return you will release all of your human prisoners into our custody, end your tariffs and embargoes on our goods and, allow human colonies on your worlds, and support our bid for consulship in the galactic senate.
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>>44919139
Since when have we been part of the galactic senate
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>>44919217
I thought we were barred from entering senatorial space after the Korili Incident?
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>>44919251
What happened at korili.
Also I don't think we should join the senate unless the understand humanity
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>>44919303
Beautiful paradise world, it looked like what would happen if you too the good parts of Florida and made them planet sized.

The nearby sector university, in an effort to improve inter-species relations and trade, subsidized their students to spend their traditional spring break at Koprili.

Turns out that a million students can do quite a lot of damage.
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>>44917609
Probably shouldn't have splintered off and should have committed Sudoku with the rest of your species...
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>>44919332
>A lot of damage
You had to be there, brosef, it was epic as fuck, with them alien girls showing their titties and enough booze to kill the crew of a russian interstellar freighter twice.
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>>44919362
While I'm sure it was epic as fuck, we're still paying out of our ass to clean up the 100+square mile islands of melted together beer cans that are floating around Koprili's oceans.
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>>44919436
Totes worth it, man
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>>44909897
>Alright Ambassador Anon
So that's what AAA stands for...
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>>44919462

The planet's indigenous life forms were nearly exterminated! Not to mention the resulting pollution and environmental damage has rendered large parts of the planet uncolonizable!
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Rolled 11 (1d20)

>>44909897
I will attempt to anally probe the hive-queen,
Turning her and the colony into Earth's First Grand Prolapsian Army
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Rolled 4 (1d6)

>>44919538
I seem to have just place a phalangy on a sphincter. ^this many times...^
Nothing accomplished - No harm done.
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>>44919536
Bro, I'm not a nerd, how the hell was I going to know that beer kills their sacred plant/crop whatever that was?
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>>44919538
You need to be a master at seduction and love making the queen is not some common lower caste whore that can be pleased so easily
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>>44919578
Why were the students irrigating the local's fields with beer in the first place?!
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Rolled 20 + 10 (1d20 + 10)

>>44919590
Taking these words of sound advice from my dear friend, Clax - I attempt to woo the queen with honey-nipples and tamtam-suckers... The sweet man nectar produced from my furious dance lures her in.
>see >>44919538
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>>44919605
Well, it's kinda hard to bone an alien chick and drink at the same time, you know? The beer fell on the ground, and the plants started to wither and die.

Still banged the alien, tho
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>>44919628
Great success!
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>>44919647
That's it boys, we won.

Let's pack up and head home.
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>>44919628
Now I have secured you a Grand Prolapsian Army, Ambassador Ayy.
What would you have them do??
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>>44919628
THE END IS NOW
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>>44909897
Don't call it a grave ambassador
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>>44919628
A NEW HERO OF THE GALAXY HAS ARISEN!
CAPTAIN DUCK 'FISTER' DODGERS!
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>>44919605
Don't worry. No cat girls were harmed in the making of this extraterrestrial agricultural disaster! Only genetically incompatible space elves.

This message brought to you by NekoCorp, maker of your purrfect companion.
>>
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>>44909897
Of coourse we can help you Ambassador. If you don't mind us glassing the worlds already taken. You see, we can't spare the lives it would take to reclaim them, so you have to live with that minor inconvenience.
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>>44909897
FUCK OFF SPACE NIGGER, YOU WERE WARNED.
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>>44919876
In other news, 27 were hospitalized after hearing that horrible pun.

More at 11.
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>>44920123
Out of the 27, only 16 claimed the cat got their tongue, meaning our behavioral improvement personality matrices are working. NekoCorp, cleaning up our hairballs so you don't have to.
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>>44920188
If thats not good marketing, then I don't know what is.
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>>44909897
SHould have seen that coming
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>>44909897
I TOLD YOU TO HAVE LIMITED TRUST IN THE ELVES!

AND YOU DIDN'T LISTEN ABOUT THE BUGS!

Still we will help you because somebody needs to fix this shit.

Seriously why does humanity have to fix the messes and bullshit started by other races?
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>>44909897
Ambassador Ayy, while we consider your people some of our closest allies we cannot expect to fight both of these armies in your stead and win with our current weapons tech.

On the other hand, if you will send us some of your finest engineers, some blueprints and some samples of yer tech, we should have working weapons in short order and, with them, we can begin to influence the battle. And thereafter, to rebuild our numbers, we would require increased food output. Perhaps you could spare some choice agricultural worlds on our borders?

The ball is in your court.
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>>44911249
This post is underappreciated
Thread replies: 90
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