Alright Ambassador Anon. Your people were right. The Space Elves and Hiveswarms have turned on us. Our worlds are being overrun, our treasuries have been emptied, and all our other allies have abandoned us.
I know our people have had a rocky relationship, but we are begging for you to save our people.
Do you guys not have guns?
If you do in fact lack armament, do you at least have ships?
Yes, you do, so what you do is you ram those fucking ships straight into their planets.
That'll teach those cheeky fucks.
hmmm, I dunno.
Are the space elves hot and happen to be all chicks with big hooters? If yes, then we'll agree to help you.
Are the Hiveswarms something that just needs some killing and can be killed indiscriminately? if yes, then we'll agree to help you.
Otherwise, we'll have to Negotiate. Starting bid at saaaay, all your guns and sexy alien chicks will be ours or we'll let the big bad filthy xenos eat you?
We apologize, but they arrived just before you got here. Our hands are tied, we've had to make a deal with the space elves for some complicated reasons that don't involve our sex drive.
We got this. Just stay alive til we get there.
>I know our people have had a rocky relationship, but we are begging for you to save our people.
Deal, but on a few conditions.
1) We request your support in our claim for every habitable planet within 100 light years of Sol
2) We get sole claims to the world of The Space Elves and the Hiveswarms
3) You put in a good word for us
mewith those fine ass Space Lizard Girls.
Space elfs don't always need indiscriminate killing.
You see, our plan is
to breed them out. Ya know. make sure that they only breed and give birth to happy, healthy human children.Just don't tell the xeno high command or anything. otherwise I'm pretty sure they won't let us kill them filthy xenos.
Besides, hive swarms are rarely hot and have any redeeming qualities, unless as hunting trophies.
I ain't helpin you faggots, you kidnapped my great grandpappy and stuck things up his butt and then dumped him naked in the woods. They had to lock him up in a loony bin because no one would believe his fantastical story of alien ass rape. He was forced to flee and become unedumacated mountain folk hence my horrifical spelling and drawl. No, you know what, I'mma gonna call my jew lawyer friend and we're gonna have a talk about a little generational reparations. I bet you dun butt raped the elves too and that's why they comin back with a beatin stick for your ass.
The space elves laugh at your plans. To choose an lmao over them is suicide. And with space elves, you get to pick your color. Ambassador Ayy here only comes in bug-eyed grey.
Certainly, Ambassador Ayy. The genetically engineered species you have mocked us in the past for are impeccable warriors, and we would be glad to lend you their aid.
We shall send in the catgirls and lewd elves at once.
>We apologize, but they arrived just before you got here. Our hands are tied, we've had to make a deal with the space elves for some complicated reasons that don't involve our sex drive.
What about those now only 93 inhabited systems we've laid claim to in the Orion Arm?
Even from a fellow human lewdness of that level should not be tolerated in a diplomatic setting.
> Uncanny Valley Nazi "Female" Murder Elves
Anon, elves are NEVER good news. Besides, you might as well ask your GF Jenny Fromdablock to dye her skin blue and get her ears pointed and have a superior version that isn't Space Hitler with a side of condescension.
> Vs. the opportunity to Kirk a Whole New Frontier
Expanding not only Humanities technology (which Space Elves won't share anyways) but also their society and having the opportunity to integrate whole new points of views and thought processes into mainstream society.
Plus internal cloaca tentacles.
Remember, the Space Elves are saying "You're either with us or getting destroyed" and are already putting Humanity in a position of subservience.
Meanwhile the Hiveswarm is welcoming and respecting of sovereignty.
Told you so, you little grey bastard.
Hugs & Kisses,
PS. We'll be looting your technology as your race is slowly annihilated. Know that your fall will lead to our rise and supremacy.
In the words of our ancestors: 'Murica. Fuck Yeah.
>Meanwhile the Hiveswarm is welcoming and respecting of sovereignty.
You understand this is only because they prefer free range over caged, correct?
>What about those now only 93 inhabited systems we've laid claim to in the Orion Arm?
85*, fellow ambasador.
One of our experiments went, ahem, "awry", and we ended up sublimating all organic life in that sector into a plasmatic goop.
On the plus side, there are now several dozen planets that are perfect for agriculture!
>all their other allies had the same reasons for abandoning them
>turns into free-for-all to claim ayy tech
>elves and swarm just wait for everybody to weaken themselves before moving in for the kill
Nice job dooming us all.
It's easy to see why they betrayed you. Your obsession with co-operation is your own failing, and makes your race seem like naive fools or leeches. Create your own monuments, your own warships, your own history. Stop wasting your potential by making everyone around you stronger, become stronger yourselves and be the people you were made to be. Humanity will defend your race simply because it is a matter of honor to defend those who cannot defend themselves, but after we stop them, you will be on your own again.
not unless we anally probe them first.
Well, we'd like a generous supply of technology, especially that one that allows you to time travel.
Call our contacts in the Elves and Bugs, tell them to get ready
Begging lesser races for help...
look how fucking far you've fallen.
Of course not. In fact, consider this a declaration of war. Earth shall now lay claim to all those of your worlds which have not yet fallen to the other xenos and purge your vile race from existence. Prepare yourselves for the end.
WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
WHY SHOULD WE WISH TO AID LESSER BEINGS?
The solution being so much poverty that it becomes a good idea to get a whole bunch of kids to work for you and care for you, but not such dramatically horrible living conditions that most of the buggers actually manage to survive childhood?
I'm no scientist, but we need to be careful when we send out breeding populations, we have a great opportunity to stop a bunch of genetic diseases from taking hold in our colonies
we will help you Ambassador Ayy
but in return you will release all of your human prisoners into our custody, end your tariffs and embargoes on our goods and, allow human colonies on your worlds, and support our bid for consulship in the galactic senate.
Beautiful paradise world, it looked like what would happen if you too the good parts of Florida and made them planet sized.
The nearby sector university, in an effort to improve inter-species relations and trade, subsidized their students to spend their traditional spring break at Koprili.
Turns out that a million students can do quite a lot of damage.
>A lot of damage
You had to be there, brosef, it was epic as fuck, with them alien girls showing their titties and enough booze to kill the crew of a russian interstellar freighter twice.
While I'm sure it was epic as fuck, we're still paying out of our ass to clean up the 100+square mile islands of melted together beer cans that are floating around Koprili's oceans.
The planet's indigenous life forms were nearly exterminated! Not to mention the resulting pollution and environmental damage has rendered large parts of the planet uncolonizable!
Rolled 11 (1d20)
I will attempt to anally probe the hive-queen,
Turning her and the colony into Earth's First Grand Prolapsian Army
Rolled 20 + 10 (1d20 + 10)
Taking these words of sound advice from my dear friend, Clax - I attempt to woo the queen with honey-nipples and tamtam-suckers... The sweet man nectar produced from my furious dance lures her in.
Well, it's kinda hard to bone an alien chick and drink at the same time, you know? The beer fell on the ground, and the plants started to wither and die.
Still banged the alien, tho
Don't worry. No cat girls were harmed in the making of this extraterrestrial agricultural disaster! Only genetically incompatible space elves.
This message brought to you by NekoCorp, maker of your purrfect companion.
Of coourse we can help you Ambassador. If you don't mind us glassing the worlds already taken. You see, we can't spare the lives it would take to reclaim them, so you have to live with that minor inconvenience.
Out of the 27, only 16 claimed the cat got their tongue, meaning our behavioral improvement personality matrices are working. NekoCorp, cleaning up our hairballs so you don't have to.
I TOLD YOU TO HAVE LIMITED TRUST IN THE ELVES!
AND YOU DIDN'T LISTEN ABOUT THE BUGS!
Still we will help you because somebody needs to fix this shit.
Seriously why does humanity have to fix the messes and bullshit started by other races?
Ambassador Ayy, while we consider your people some of our closest allies we cannot expect to fight both of these armies in your stead and win with our current weapons tech.
On the other hand, if you will send us some of your finest engineers, some blueprints and some samples of yer tech, we should have working weapons in short order and, with them, we can begin to influence the battle. And thereafter, to rebuild our numbers, we would require increased food output. Perhaps you could spare some choice agricultural worlds on our borders?
The ball is in your court.