Hear ye, hear ye. I hereby call to order this meeting of the most illustrious Mages' Guild! Now I know everyone was very exited about our plans have the entire guild fly to the moon for a nice vacation from all the kings, queens, nobles and whatever they are who keep bothering our research but I have some bad news. It turns out we are lacking some important spell components needed to ensure the tower survives the trip, and we're completely broke after the new years party. So unless people come up with a good way to make the missing money it seems like the tower is grounded for the moment.
Now the Bueromancers claim that we might be able to free enough funds by making some easy budget cuts here and there have been some suggestions to cut some departments out of the guild including Beemancy, Hobomancy, Chainsawmancy and MUSCLE WIZARDRY. They also think that we can save money by merging some smaller departments into bigger departments, such as making Cryomancy part of the Hydromancy Department, doing away with Electromancy and making it part of Aeromancy again, Chaos Magic joining the Eldritch Department and reincorporating dark magic into the necromancy department for the first time since they split into two departments in the third age. And finally re-merging all sub-departments into their main branch, that means you sub-department of Ectomancy and sub-department of Weaponized Divination.
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>Now the Bueromancers claim that we might be able to free enough funds by making some easy budget cuts here and there have been some suggestions to cut some departments out of the guild including Beemancy
If you want to cut out a necessary 1/5th of my total wizardry course there will be a crawly, slimy and stingy hell to pay.
Really? You want to try convincing the ectomancers to accept being merged into necromancy? You want to try convincing Necromancers to accept ectomancers?
Yeah, sure, what could possibly go wrong?
How about we fire some of the morons we have teaching in my department? They're idiots and I could find replacements...somewhere.
You can't conjoin Aeromancy with Electromancy! They're completely different magics!
It's times like these that I really miss Yshna.
Dude, I would advise against that. Unless, of course, you want your entire department destroyed in a raging storm of cocaine fueled arcane power.
I'd love to.
I also love not getting killed.
Can't you just get smarter versions of them from later in their lives?
Thank you Mort, I'll take some coffee,
Emilia, do you want to start that argument? Because I'm sure that's an argument that a lot of people would fight over.
I'm yet to find an issue in the guild I haven't solved with a letterbox full of combustion ants.
Ahhhh Morty my good sir you always know how to calm my immeasurable irritation.
I, for one, welcome these department changes.
>Takes a coffee and a pastry and DIPS THE PASTRY IN THE COFFEE!
I'll try and make sure they're kept separate.
Wait, do you even take any classes in either of those?
Well, don't try it with Antruthius, he may be a coke addict, but he can easily take care of us all at once.
There's a reason he's the Archwizard.
Oh, calendars are good.
Yes, I am not willing to undergo that again. Reality tearing itself apart was fun enough the first time around.
Veilhex, my position is very much that of a bleedin' janitor for my entire department, and even I have paperwork.
As someone who was 'denied' for the last one I heartily support the idea of starting another.
I request all the paperwork I am able to legally own to be handed over for my inspection immediately!
I was planning to.
What kind of clothes do you think I should pose in? Bare minimum?
Yes. You want to visit the Magical Girls Department. Their Department Head loves fish.
My job isn't just looking intimidating enough to make sure everyone doesn't kill each other permanently. There is paperworks involved.
And we are very thankful for that.
If we really want to start saving money, everyone an their mother has an infernal lawyer, and they're not cheap. It's time to start letting some people go.
Did someone say fish?
Emilia, I do not do infernal politics. I have an Archdevil Ooze to do that for me.
Yes, that man there is selling fish.
>Points to Harivold >>44818821
Hmm, shit, don't have any dinars. Do you accept gold coins?
Just like I was saying, let off some of the teachers who aren't doing much with their position and causing more trouble than they're worth.
>Sips his coffee
Not really sure.
Thank you for the heads up.
Probably, but I haven't met one yet. Want me to sponsor your entry into the guild for you? It will cost you all the fish you have.
Sorry, I've been wanting to say that for some time. It does appear however that the Guild is able to utilize some very beneficial tax breaks because of its unique status as a profitable non-profit, and it's unfixed location.
Dependant on the kind of bait you use I would either support or condone your application...
Ofcourse you know I'm merely testing you as always pal.
I would like to see it as the biggest part of my position.
Check the hydromancers, they might have a sub-department for it.
It's about time one of you lawmagi arrived. What are our options?
Funding is no issue! Surely a fishing wizard such as myself could easily meet the budgeting demands of a fishing department sorely through profit made from fish!
7 Dinars for a pound of Razorback Flingcod.
25 for a whole fish, just makes sure to mind the spines!
Gold? Nasty rubbish but I'll take 10 per pound, 30 for a whole
You're a Bug Wizard, yes?
Surely, through your contributions, we could eliminate the need to purchase bait for freshwater fishing entirely! Even more profit!
We do have a city we can tax.
Assuming we're actually the governing body of it.
Come to think of it, why are Lazarus and I even involved? We've got a country we could tax to get over the money issue.
Don't ask bug mages to give up their bugs. They get angry.
Well, master Lazarus, we could call in several hundred debts the Guild has accrued over the ages, specifically those owned by Valmia and the Teribian Sea of Sand. I propose mining operations in Southern Terib to collect the rich gold deposits within.
I believe Spellbound is an independent city state. I'll conduct negotiations, however, to introduce taxation and representation to the city.
Here are a hundred dinars, give me my four whole fishes.
*Ahem* While I hear your suggestion, I must....respectfully... decline it...
Perhaps teaching giant pondskimmers to assist in lakefishing is a venture I would consider however.
Truly? That is a deeply disconcerting thought and I'm sure highly illegal to some degree.
Taxing Spellbound it is! What about representatives from the city? Taxation without representation is immoral.
Mind the spines!
>tosses the bundles of fish and collects the dinars
Spell requirements? Rubbish! Surely the fact that my fishing prowess is so successful as to be magical in nature should suffice anyone.
You have a point.
We may also need a bit more money to clean up the department because of the aftermath of that revelation.
Of course Vex would get involved.
On that note I've been meaning to ask you about something. How good is Obsidia's evil glare?
Hold off on Valmia unless it's an emergency, but feel free to collect all we own from the Teribian Sea of Sand.
Just messing with ya. I know how you are.
Here you go.
No, it isn't.
Well, it is near her town.
It's sale will help fund the guild. thank you for volunteering on behalf of the necromancy department Veilhex.
Great job Arnold, just be sure to run it by me first.
>Socks you in the arm
Well, it's an uphill battle on account of, you know, only having half of what people normally work with on that front.
What am I involved in now?
>enters the guild hall
I have retur......
Budget cuts? Again? If memory serves, I was here the last time we had budget cuts......well, at least the Science Department is somewhat free. Speaking of which, when did that rather large hole appear in my classroom....you know what, I don't really think I want to know.
What of import has happened while I have been on my sabbatical? Apart from this exciting New Years Moon Trip.
>Rubs his arm and grins in a cheeky manner
So, who are you looking forward to seeing in the calendar?
Well, Necromancy Department went to war and now owns a country.
Of course. Raising the ire of Cromina would be..unwise.
Of course we could always replicate the Great Baker Sale of 557:3A....
I see. An interesting precedent indeed. Though future implications could be...worrisome.
we tax them more if they want representation, I mean, it costs money to keep up with the guild since we move so much.
I have opened Lok's Box, but there was no hope in it.
The guild's all male sexy calendar. Pay attention now.
Shhh. shh shh.
>Puts a finger to your lips
Don't worry, we have a spot for you too mr.January.
Ehhh I dunno.
Not safe for work.
All male this time around.
Was that not the most successful aspect of the Great Sale?
That's...that's how revolutions begin.
Glug, a Guild is in charge of a city state. Ponder the legal precedent. If not us the less..."wise" Fighters. Or the mercurial Thieves. Or the Night Hunters, Artificer's, the Guild of Cloth.
It's an interesting if not terrifying prospect.
From what I've seen that usually helps rather than being a hindrance. See if you can't help her out on that front, it's more or less a survival skill at our department.
Only if we can ensure that the vampires don't add blood to their pastries... again.
It's a very beautiful country when it's not a blasted hellscape because of the guys who were in charge before us.
And now I'm on it or something?
Are you sick or something? I remember hearing about that. Told the representative of a country to strip for you.
>Just stares at her
How about we just do a bake sale.
What? A whole country?.....
>Hearsch pulls out a battered pocket watch and flips it open. He gazes into the insides for a few secodns before sighing and returning it to his coat
>mumbles under his breath
we have time before that.....
Now, budget problems. Doesn't Dominaria owe us for ending that extremely childish war those idiotic brothers started? I swear, sinling rivalry...Anyway, we could call in a few favors there. I'm sure they'd be happy to help us after all these years.
My dear, most of us are a little *ahem* past our prime to be doing THOSE types of calenders. Again.
Wasn't the last bake sale the active cause of the last outbreak of Vampirism?
You are now, yes.
He has? well you can take his place I guess. And no, you don't get a say in it.
Sick? No. I just wait to avoid the witchcraft department breaking up.
Some people are still recovering from the last one...not again...we can't do it again. Not this age.
You don't want science hindered by budget do you?
Oh no, people taking over the guild, they'll rule the world, how could they be stopped?
That gives me an idea...
. . .What's this Lok's Box that you speak of?
Well, I'll try posing with some tentacle oozes. What do you think?
Glaive, it sounds like you don't trust us.
So I've heard.
I am a sea-elf, they refer to me as fish-face and such when they feel like it.
Dominaria got wiped off the map several hundred years ago.
Hearsch, Don't worry about it. We got illusionshop experts to take care of that. and besides, the poor saps who buy this stuff are more attracted to the power you wield.
No, you'll steal July's thunder.
I greet you, the living ones. My sweet grave, along with the other ones, has just been destroyed. I don't care who is guilty in this pity accident, but I demand apologies and 2000 gold coins for restoration. In case you won't fulfill my request, await another zombie invasion in no time
*Walkes away shutting the door*
Then we make sure it doesn't happen again. Simple.
Guess I'll have to deage myself for it then
Fine, I can't really stop you.
Emilia, Science hasn't been hindered by budget since...since....hell, since I can remember! It's always been a rule that the Head of the Science Department - currently myself - add in funds so that the Science Department runs relatively autonomously.
Really? Let me see....
>Hearsch pulls out his pocket watch and stares into it again
i may have not carried the 1....
Vex isn't involved, right? I'm not going to get shoved in a dress?
You can come see it some time if you want.
He knows that's not actually a threat, right?
Don't blame us, we've got a new source of corpses in the form of Tenebrus. Don't need to grab them from graveyards anymore.
I'll have you know my budget is doing fine. What I don't want is another great janitorial uprising. I might not know much about guild history, but I've read enough about the last one to know it was a mess in more ways than one.
So hear me out, a lot of deparments have similar focuses and requirements. So instead of cutting or merging departments, how about we remove alike redundancies. Like, the ritual department and summoning department can put together, Electromancy and Pyromancy can be merged because they're evocation....
Put Ectomancy back into Necromancy.
Who'd be July?
I wanna steal their thunder.
. . .Go ahead, not like we have a Necromancy Department or anything.
Emilia, Ectomancers don't even use necrotic or negative energy. At least most don't.
Also, what did you mean earlier?
Dramorn...he felt he was viewed as War, and not Dramorn. He became a political pawn in that conflict, and that image remained when he returned....so he left, to return to investigative matters.
That's not my concern. My concern is equality and proper legal representation from our constituents.
There was an alternate timeline in which the Guild ruled the world, was there not? Conspierre judged my brother on the fall of Dramorn Arkenbane, why should I not do the same for a night unstoppable Guild?
Glug, I'm simply concerned about the precedent for those long after our time. I trust the guild as much as it trusts me.
Please Vielhex, this is for the pleasure of all women and some men, ot Vex. you worry to much.
I have not decided yet by they will be getting violated by consentacales.
I don't care about that stuff glaive. also give me your best sissy face.
Let's see, not having a separate department was bad enough, now we don't even have a sub-department! So yeah, I have to deal with the necromancy department in addition to my own.
Yeah, you have your own type of magic, so you have your own department. You know, like it's supposed to work.
Thanks, I heard already. I'm [i]totally[/i] fine with that.
Oh sure, just let me rustle up my ghost fishing rod. I could, but why would I?
You're a smug ass. Just because the sub-department isn't around doesn't mean you're right. I'm not a necromancer.
Hello folks, just dropping off a fresh batch of Helltongue Screamwine and Dire Hornet mead to my favorite guild of mystical calamities.
Oh, Jeremiah, you're here.
Could you, at your earliest next convenience, swing by my garden about two weeks ago? There's a poor fellow stuck in a non-mobius-chronoloop saying "hi" to one of my scareskelecrows, and he's got the robes of a student from this guild. In anticipatory thanks, I've left a decanter of "Old Drider" in the ruins of Hellheim, future 527.
You bath robed freaks treat us like trash and never even attempt to clean after yourselves! Last week two abominations went on a rampage and we had to clean apprentices off the goddamn ceiling. Two days ago the alchemists invented an ooze that stuck onto everything and couldn't removed and yesterday the pyromancers torched their research labs and drew diagrams in their bed sheets!
No more, i say! Either you start paying us better, treating us with respect and get us magical aides we will go on a strike!
I'm wondering how he managed to close the doors without arms....
Alright, I'll get the students to monitor all ingredients in the next bake sale - if we have one - using some of the gear in Lab 09.
Yes, I definitely did something wrong in my time dilation calculus if this is the reality where Levi hates everyone.
Guild ruled the world....Let me think.....rings a bell.....
Well, the Guild was set on hard times last time we did a calender....but that was a very long time ago, even with the illusionshop experts can we really pull it off again? I supoose we could, since all those who remember the last one have been dead and buried for at least a thousand years....obviously except >>44819660
I say! You must wear a nametag here, sir.
Make your concern making cut, or you're going to be put on the chopping block.
No, they don't but they use many of the things that the Necromancers use, so they can share. And focus on the budget!
Or shove the pinball witches into the tower.
Sir, you forgot your name tag.
Yeah. But you sounded like you were blaming us.
Like we wanted you guys to get stuffed in with use anyway.
I'm not sure if that implies I'm getting stuffed in a dress or not.
If you think I'm smug now, imagine how smug I'll be once the merger is official.
I'm willing to personally fund a 3.1% rise for any of you who has to work in my department
Selevyn, I don't fuck with time travel. Stuff literally makes reality tear around me, just sent back a younger version of myself back to his time a week or two ago. I'll look into it though. Just no time travel.
Thank you, makes my life easier.
No, if there's a zombie invasion, then that guy was a necromancer, just not one of yours. If there isn't, he's just a remarkably shitty necromancer.
Or what? you'll union again?
what? we sold ones last year. I mean I know I bought all of them so that no one could see me in them but we still made them.
That's why it's a mystery.
I hate everyone in any timeline where ectomancy and necromancy are treated as one single school.
I swear, it's like this is a conspiracy against me. Neither party wanted this, and it's not like we have so much funding anyway.
All hail Lazarus, throne candy of Tenebrus and smuggest bastard alive or dead.
Ah, Mr. Science Wizard!
I recall an event several months ago.
A Ms. Sakamoto of your field of research, well, you see...
The thing is...
She blinded me with science.
It was quite bothersome for a time. Fortunately the effects weren't permanent. All the same you should keep better track of your students.
It was quite some time ago.
We cleansed it.
I believe we have created ample options for monetary income.
So leave the individuals who can actually handle money to do so.
Not saying you have to travel, man. Just... Get him unstuck. I would, but Chronomancy isn't exactly a strong suit of mine, even if I did spend about two compressed millennia studying it.
At least one of you has a head on their shoulders....even though it seems to be stitched on.
Or i summon a T-Rex, who have been proven to be partially immune to most conventional magics, into your office!
I'm going to hate the direction this goes in no matter what, aren't I?
It's not a conspiracy against you in specific.
Just us in general.
..................You have my support...... Can you summon one anyway? I always want to ride a T-rex....
Most likly, yes.
Suck it up nerd.
Yes, but my department is full of morons and I'm their janitor.
Alright, alright. I'll take care of it. I want two bottles of Drider, I have to take a day off for it.
Male calenders, my dear, Male calenders. At least....the one I was in was a thousand years ago....
I'm surprised she didn't do something to blow herself up! That's the usual fate of most of ym students; they pour one thing into an alembic they shouldn't, or they waft one too many vapors. Or when Charlie theorized and then proceeded to the practical of placing a quantum harmonizer in a photonic resonation chamber. THAT was bad.
And don't get me started on Herbert West.....
All true, if they were meant to be insults then you would have to try harder.
Apologize for the stitched on comment and I'll make it a 3.2% raise. I haven't had a head that had to be stitched on for ages.
Alright. How have you been, haven't seen you in quite some time. I dropped out of the guild a while ago, only recently took up the position of supervisor/janitor
Selevyn, have you had time to visit Tenebrus yet? Our floral situation is TERRIBLE there right now.
3.2% it is then.
What? What's the problem?
Yeah, sure, and yet I'm the one who's been trying to get the opposite done for a few months now.
...Necromancers. Their own department head hates most of them.
Including the one about your parentage? That's good to know.
Ah yes. Tenebrus. How is the ecology of that place? I know that side of the world is full of dragonkin and psuedodragons, I am curious if the rumours of vampiric dragon lords are correct.
Eh, can't complain. Been trying to keep dread Godzilla from waking again, even though his last time awake ended with minimal casualties.
Other than that, finally got the Paladins of Mothra to stop trying to smite me on sight, which is a huge plus. Had to bag'o'wights a sorcerer, though. He tried to burn my sacred tree. His party didn't seem too upset, claimed he was always doing stupid stuff just 'cuz.
>Lurco walks into the meeting room
Veilhex, how is the meeting going? Is the main topic settled?
Well, things are getting a little too heated up for me.
I've made my money and now I'm heading back home. I'll be hired yet! You'll all see the benefits of a resident fishing wizard!
Not going back there, Laz. Bastards swiped those plants from the cursed Isle of Honshu, even after I warned them that the radiation had some serious effects on the growth rate, and nutritional needs of Kudzu.
So now they can deal with the Dire Kudzu on their own.
Well, wouldn't you want to know. Maybe one day you'll be able to find out.
Well, all the forests were removed on account of superstitious and paranoid vampires. The main food source is a plant known as sandroot, tasting it is not recommended.
I'll send someone to take care of it.
Found an apprentice, a young version of myself came in from the past and reality trying to make sense of us nearly ripped itself apart. Been dealing with some stuff from my past that got drudged up.
Oh yeah, you were quite vocal about that. I concurred, but it didn't matter to them. I wouldn't mind getting a deceased Dire Kudzu to see how radiation affects a creatures metabolic....but I digress.
I wish you well, just do not take the contract to go fish near the Isle of Dread. Trust me.
Time Travel is quite a problem to the unlearned.
When have you ever been a man of the cloth? Oh, I remember the types of things you used to get into....
Rolled 15 (1d20)
RAPTORS!!! Just make sure you don't bleed all over the place.
Alert the others, the bathrooms are about to be filled with gore and sewage.
Aw, I don't get a hug? I come back from a battle and nothing?
Is it the armor? I bet it's the armor.
Ah, what's the topic?
Yes. Do not mind the attire, it is for my role in another world.
A role the other Lurco uncharismatically dumped on me.
Good to hear.
Like I said. I warned them. Hells, the only reason I cultivated that hellish plant in the first place was to deal with anyone who was actually stupid enough to actually GO to Honshu. Better a swift death at the hands of a bloodthirsty murdervine than a slow death from radiation poisoning and cancer.
I've been declared the very definition of lawful evil. You are on your own.
The lack of relevant reaction? Or the facepalm?
Yeaaaah. Gimme your lunch money!
Show you the old ring-a-ding. Give em the one-two! I'll boondoggle you!
You'll pay for this! I'll see to it that you're first against the wall when the robots take over!
Hey. Do you have any drugs?
Your mom's the definition of chaotic good in bed. OOOOOH!
For the guild? Do you all not have enough money?
Hm, well then.
>The armor magically replaces itself with the outfit in the pic
Sorry, I only pay after services are carried out.
I don't know if the robots are going to be fun loving guys with anal probes or hateful death bots.
With anal probes.
Kay. Your grumpiness is belied by your close relationship with your family, which can always be turned into a lever against you. Though you have your colleagues fear, it's much harder to get their respect and despite your best efforts you'll never be able to shake the stigma of necromancy.
Can I go back to yelling now?
Maybe, but you'll be left speechless after I'm done.
Booo! Put the mask back on!
Sorry, you'd have to swing by my grove for anything like that. I'd rather people try what I grow where I can see them, and can administer aid if they have "bad trips."
Oh, I'll swing by your grove all right.
Was that innuendo? Can't tell. The whole expressionless face makes it hard.
See? It's working already. Now start trapping!
I think you should get laid. But neither one is likely to happen, now is it? Oh wait, mine is. Slut.
Thanks. LAZARUS IS A BANDAGE HEAD!
Not without the proper equipment....
>Hearsch's hands drift to his waistcoat where his pocket watch is.
But HOW is the Guild burning lots of money? Unless you all burnt it for the New Years party....
I'd warn you against modifications to robots, but it seems you're adamant about trying to build them....
Just don;t say I didn't warn you; Robotics is a dangerous game. Take it from me, I've....dabbled with robotic at one stage or another.
>Takes out a device with a lot of buttons and his outfit changes
Oh hush now.
How have you been? Meet anyone cute lately?
Huh, that sucks.
Rolled 2 (1d20)
Hahahahah. You fucked robots. That's super gay. Wait, were they lady robots?
Still pretty gay.
>Pokes Jill in the butt.
YOU CANNOT COMPREHEND ME!
Do you have a mom? Because if so, your mom. If not, your maternal figure.
What I'm going for is I fucked your mom.
No, it's not innuendo. I literally live in a grove, though it was but one tree when i planted it all those centuries ago.
Innuendo is not something I'm good at, and besides, even if it were, I one, lack the equipment though a few young druid maidens have commented on the plethora of vines festooning my skeleton, and two, there was only one woman I ever "shared a bed" with, and she died of cancer five millennia ago.
I miss her so...
Rolled 18 (1d20)
No, that was Howard who built the lady robots. Although, he ended up just making an automated hand....
I made a giant death robot and promptly lost it. I can't even remember what time it was ir what plane it was
Come now fellow mages! Fighting in the sacred guild hall!
>Watches the two of them fight.
>Pulls a pair of dildos out from under her robe and tosses them into the pile.
Wow. Okay, I'm sorta sorry now. Yeah, I'll swing by your grove. We can get baked together and talk about trauma like your dead lover and getting eaten.
Aw yeeeeeee. Zetsus, what do you have for me today?
You failure. We could have used a giant death robot. Have you ever held someone up at robot point? Like, even if they're not scared they'll pay just for a ride in a giant robot.
Also that's awesome. Do it again.
Well, I guess you kids can go about your roughhouse then.
It'd take a loooooooong while to recreate the death robot, and even then it'd take quite a few planejumps and such to get the necessary parts...
It'd be easier to find the giant robot again. I wonder where he is.....
Hey, I only arrived here a couple of weeks ago!
. . .
>Tosses them back
. . .You're not ticklish, are you?
That's unfair. You're cheating.
Sir, I am over four million years old.
Wife, actually. But it's fine. Life, or in my case unlife, goes on.
Just a heads up on the "getting baked" bit. Got a few druids swinging by for a smoke-out. They can be a bit pushy with the herb, but my shit is Kaiju-strong, so don't let them push you too far too fast. Last time that happened, the poor bard tried to eat his own face.
Well I just got some Slime men from the 64th Dimension in, very fresh.
It only took me the souls of 100 of my slav- I mean interns.
Well, what have you been up to?
>Despite trying to start idle conversations, he is still on top of you
Dude, this world is only around 60,000 years old.
Keep the druids out of the necromancy department or I cannot be held responsible for what happens.
I don't know, ask Selevyn.
Ever considered working in the necromancy department?
He's probably off in the Zeta-336 Dimension getting tons of lady bot ass. You did a good job. He's happier now.
You're not my mom! I mean, my mom would be like "Syth, what the hell are you doing? Are you seriously doing drugs with a bunch of druids?" And then she'd have a whole discussion about how I'm not living up to my potential and she knows I'm going through a rough time but I need to refocus myself if I ever want to do anything with important with my life.
Hot. I'll take a dozen. What do you even do with them? Are they like, edible slime, or the nice clothing eating stuff?
No worries, laz. They'll be at my place, not at this guild.
'Sides, I'm just an honorary member/supplier of potables.
And they need no lesson on what happens when druidic and necromantic magics intersect. I exist.
. . .Look man, I'm a different Lurco.
>He hands you a paper
>"Hello! I am Lurco, but not the one you know! The other Lurco has taken me from my home and is using me as a replacement while he is busy doing something important far far away. You may call me Lurco, Baldrekr, which is my real first name, or Cactus which is my real last name. Something to note is that I probably do not know anything about you. Also, I come from the past of an alternative timeline, and so I have not been able to experience several years which the other Lurco has. And in while experiencing these years he had changed, as is expected of people. So, me and the other Lurco are different in personality and morals. If you have any more questions feel free to ask."
Also, I come from another Universe.
No, this is punishment for calling me a dork.
There are now 100 angry zombies more than there was a moment ago! Who keeps killing people!? Do you have any idea how much trouble the zombies area!??! They breed like rabbits (read:kill apprentices and other janitors), make a mess of everything and are a hell to clean off the floors!
SUMMON THE TRICERATOPS'
>The insect girl enters the reunion room dressing her white kimono. On her left side, holded by her insectoid arms, can be seen a cacoon made of a white snowy fabric the thing about such cacoon was that it had the same size as if a human was wrapped inside of it.
"Ara, Am i to late for the meeting?"
They call me the questionably deranged, not the assuredly sloppy. I have some ability thank you.
I think you mean the Tar creatures of salem-dal on the eight fold path of the great slime. Very fun to play with, but they do leave quite the mess.
Indeed fellow mage, indeed.
I have, I've found the practice somewhat dull. Although the party the late 100th emperor of the Dregonic empire and I had after I resurrected him gave me some very pleasant memories. So many hookers.
Wonderful thing about slime men, they're like modifiable tentacles from the plane of elemental suffering, you can use them for anything.
Oh. OH. OHHHHHHH. That means....Oh boy. Well, are you in for a.....
*Hearsch's page beeps*
>Hearsch checks the pager and chuckles
That's my queue gentle men and women of the Guild; I must attend my regular Accountants and Administrators game. Until next guild meeting.
>Hearsch pulls out a small device, presses one of the buttons and a portal appears; he walks through it and it closes behind him
Because the triceratops are easier to clean after they explode from the strain.
You better not be having your shedding season and FOR THE LOVE OF GODS KEEP THE COCOON ON THE TABLE!!! IT KEEPS SHAKING OFF STRANDS!!!
Cool. What do you want in exchange? Because I have...
Nothing. Honestly, I lost most of my stuff when I accidentally blue up my room.
GIMME YOUR LUNCH MONEY!
Sounds awesome. I'll be over later, with, uh, I dunno. I guess I'll swipe some other person's beer.
Lurco, Dorkus Maximus.
Hey Jill!! What happend?
>She gives small quick blinks the complete dark orb of her's expect for the silver iris staring at her friend
Ah, i'm glad i made it. Veilhexx did you received the acacia i sended to you? I meet your niece too such a sweet girl.
>The cacoon gives a small shake as the insect girl keep it holded.
4plebs does. I'm looking at it right now.
Fine. On one condition. I think you know the condition.
Seriously, can I get some money? I need it for food. And stuff.
No. no my deer that was in the end of the year.That was a good time...
>Her face becomes red as she remembers the sweet moment of the new years end.
What is lunch money?
Eh, consider this one a freebie. I've destroyed all my worldly possessions before during a particularly wild party. I know how annoying such a thing can be.
Word of advice though, keep them away from virgins, of either gender. They tend to, um, deflower, more then one at once, and it's very annoying to have to replace them. Virgins go like hotcakes around here I don't mind telling you.
Hehehe, i'm gla d to hear it. Yes she is a little shy but i believe she just need some time to get out of her on cocoon.
Oh you need money?
>She uses one of her four arms and search inside her kimono grabbing a small bag made of black silk the insect girl pass the full bag with silver coins to the stranger.
Will this much be enough?
Lame. I bet you kiss girls.
Nice. I'll use the money I just bummed off random people!
Ahaha. Ha. Yeah... Um, wh-why don't you keep them then? Ha.
>Clutches the bags to her chest.
Aw yeah. I'm gonna eat well tonight.
Yep. Pick a wizardy sounding name and jump in.
>bursts from a shadow in the corner
I fly on the wall informed me that I could be useful in our fund raiser, and my sister kicked me out of my room.
Yup, concrete setting, overarching plots, the whole shebang
We've taken steps to mitigate any potential problems before they arise.
Here he is now.
Hey Justin. I'm good. Just talking to one of our newer members. Justin, Jill. Jill, Justin.
Your sister is a slut. Watchya gonna do about it? Huh?
>Holds up a needle and thread.
Imma stitch you if you don't look away.
Well I can get free food in the cafeteria and I can bum some gourmet stuff off Pierre when he's around, but when he's not I need coins to throw at the workers so they do their food magic.
More like a nightmare amalgamation of random crap put together without rhyme or reason.
So yes, a setting. After the thread is done we'll move over to the archives and we can explain it if you're still around.
Eh, your loss. How about some Mermen from the plane of Liquid Torment?
They're far more, tame, if that's what you're into...
Oh, glad to hear it. If you need anything for brewing the guild greenhouse is always open. I even manage some mandrakes they are a little bit old but i think you can find a easy use for then.
I have no earthly idea what your talking about ol' chap.
Speak to that fishing wizard fellow, he might be the one your after.
>Shoves fishboy into a magic sack.
The reason is usually because barter systems can be inefficient in places like cities and kingdoms.
And it's not just humans. The elven kingdoms have had it in place for at lest six thousand years, including the one I grew up in.
>Hastily looks away
Thank you for the offer.
So, how'd the whole "Obsidia staying with you until the department calmed down" thing go?
Um...n-no, I'll just, uh, I'll just go um, do tons of drugs. Yeah. That's the ticket. Drugs.
Hey, I took a shower! Like, some time ago. Look, the drugs really mess with my system!
Good to know I've still got that ol' bug charm
The perfect time for me to unveil my chainsaw-roaches to the public!
For too long have we been reliant on the art of summoning loud and violent gardener's tools!
Oh ih he were...
>Stares at the young bard with a wide smile dropping the cocoon she was carrying imediatly.
My, my, hello to you young man.
>She her smile still on her face as she approaches Justin a bit more her insect hand caressing the boys blonde hair.
The pleasuare is all mine... So you are miss Doomblight friend aren't you?
Your budget royal tissue paper is like patchwork! Plus Vex likes me more.
We used up all the bleach, so we have to wait to get more.
Hey, stay away from the moth girl.
That is way to weird inmy country we just get our food out of the wild. Since i moved to the city i had to acquire strange habits such as find a way to get money.
Yeah. The full name's Justin Freude.
Are you a mothperson?
Well, we went shopping for her. We got her some new clothes and some magical goods.
Nice to meet you Prento. I'm Justin.
NO, NOT AWESOME. NOT AWESOME AT ALL.
WE HAVE MECHA T-REXS?!
>A Chainsaw rips into his chest, cutting his body open
Oh, that sounds like fun. Those are the fellows with all the loud revvy weapons right?
Time to break out Ol' Reliable!
Ah good a new Elven apprentice.
I trust you're aware of the initiate test involving hanging these two infantile smog-scorpions from your ears for two days no?
Ah, I was wondering what all the ruckus was about.
I take it I'm not the only one who feels a little stroked the wrong way about these new financial proposals?
I really would not want to have to send for Mistress Hock. I doubt she would appreciate her sabbatical being interrupted.
>Starts eating popcorn as she watches.
That's super gross.
You don't even like Vex. That's super gay.
>Takes out a pair of fine scissors and starts cutting open the cocoon.
I'll stroke you the wrong way if you try and stop the entertainment.
Excuse me muss FLUFF-wap, there seems to be a silken serpent escaping.
I do not care if some boy thinks I'm gay or not!
>did he just?
Someone us getting budget cutted!
Yup, just hang them on there and remain perfectly still so as not to be pierced with horrific distended stingers! Cmon all the other elves have done it!
I HAVE ALREADY MASTERED YOUR ART TO THE DEGREE NECESARRY DAMMIT.
MAKING BEES WITH 2 OR 3 EXTRA STRIPES DOESNT CHANGE THEIR FIGHTING POTENTIAL
Feel free, anyone's welcome and our bug crowd could always use diversity
>his body is split in half and three angry chainsawmancers appear
You're not taking our department! Chainsawmancy for LIFE!
Don't cut our department, or we'll show YOU WHAT A BUDGET CUT LOOKS LIKE
>REV UP THOSE CHAINSAWS
Hm, we got her an amulet that not only looks pretty but helps keep raised skeletons together more.
There's a bunch of different classes. My Uncle Glug is the Head of Oozemancy.
Indeed i'm my good boy. And I heard you are a bard right? I'm still very new to this whole world and would like to hear some stories specially if such a nice person like yourself would tell me...
>As Syth opens the cocoon a adult mandrake jumsp out of it attacking her
Hey, hey, chainsawmancers.
I just want you all to know, I had no influence over the decision. I'm dealing with budget problems of my own.
Oh, really? Neat.
You.....little....twerps!!! Do you know how hard it is to get those bloodstains off the floor!??! That's it, i am dropping the bomb on your goddamn department and half the guild for that matter!!
CONJURE THE TITANOSAURUS!!!
Rolled 8 (1d20)
Aw yis. Stabbin' practice.
Nah, stick around. What kind of magic do you do? Is it pyromancy? If it's pyromancy then you need to wear a skirt. Unless your a dude. Haha, what am I saying, you're an elf, it doesn't matter.
Regardless of your poor taste in entertainment, it looks like you are going be rather busy.
May I remind you that any attempt at an inter-departmental coup would be classed as a violation of the guild stature and you would no longer be eligible to utilize the services of my department, ergo, chainsaw no go spin, and no more chainsaw fun for you. Go back to your department before I call in Mistress Hock and she you get to find out what the inside of your own chest cavity tastes like.
Rolled 19 (1d20)
...Oh my gods.
Oh no, you're cool brah.
>another one raises his hand
HIGH FIVE BRAH!
>THEY ATTEMPT TO TAKE CONTROL OF THE CHAINSAW ON THE CHAINSAW ROACH
WE'LL SHRED YOUR PUNY FUCKING TITANOSAURUS AND TURN IT INTO A MEATOSAURUS, MOTHERFUCKER!
You realize your just making more of a mess for you to clean up right?
That said by all means continue fellows, I haven't had this much fun since the vampire rebellions 50 years ago.
Ah, it was a simpler time then, my claws were still in, the howl was still strong, I could still rip a man apart with my Bear hands.
Awwww cmon kid, I get that invertebrate-mancy isn't everyone's cup of tea, but there's plenty of other schools around and besides how often are you IN COMBAT WITH THE UNRULY BASTARDS OF
OH GOD NO MY SON WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO
Rolled 14 (1d20)
Oh, well, I'm more of the singing kind. But I can tell you some things.
Yep. She also got a new hat.
>Justin tries to use bardic magic to shock and paralyze the chainsawmancer
>He sings this song and music magically fills the air https://youtu.be/2SoXxnlCUqk?t=10
Rolled 18 (1d20)
>Being a plant the mandrake doesn't stop after being attacked and stabbed fortunantly Syth can easily subdue the plant monster each stab making the 'green-blood' of the creature splash all over her and the reunion room of the guild. Jill still complety distracted by the young bard's presence.
Rolled 18 (1d20)
Guess i didn't make myself clear on the first dinosaur....
CONJURE THE ALLOSAURI AND ENCHANT THEIR SKINS TO EXHUME LITTLE NETS SO THE CHAINSAWS DON'T WORK ON THEM!!!
>High fives the potentially unstable chainsawmancer
>And coming from a necromancer, that's saying someting.
Really? Huh. Not many necromancers wear hats anymore. The new fashion is that of hoods.
Or I suppose skull masks.
Rolled 12 (1d20)
>They fall asleep halfway through
>and all wake up comically
I dunno, fluffybutts was boring.
>The Chainsaw-Roach speaks
>"I'M SORRY FATHER"
>"BUT ITS NOT YOU"
>"ITS THE FACT YOU HAVE A BED FULL OF MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND WHISPER TO US TENDERLY EVERY NIGHT, THAT'S JUST CREEPY."
>He attempts to slice off his hand
Rolled 9 (1d20)
YOU'D DARE SPEAK TO YOUR FATHER THAT WAY AS YOU SUPPOSEDLY ATTEMPT TO CUT OFF MY HANDS 'NOT OF YOUR FREE WILL'?
THATS IT, YOU BELONG WITH THOSE LOSERS IN CHAINSAW SCHOOL
>is attempting to lob the roach away and keep his precious hands
Rolled 9 (1d20)
Ah then i would love to...
>As she was speaking he leaves her grasp starting to sing then the mothgirl noticed all the mess around her protecting the young bard with a Stunning barrier
>THEY STAND, HORRIFIED
DAMN RIGHT SON.
>They can read greentext?!
>A Beautiful POP! Sound can be heard as his hand is lopped off
>"I FEEL THE POWER FATHER."
>"I HAVE BECOME MORE POWERFUL THEN YOU COULD EVER BE."
>"THIS IS MY DESTINY."
LONG LIVE THE CHAINSAWMANCERS!
>Can we stop this crazy 4th wall shit?
WHAT ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?!
>Chainsawmancers are rioting and sawing down shit
VIVA LA CHAINSA'LUTION!
>"It's over father."
>"Join the Chainsaw Side."
>"I can show you a power stronger then Bugomancy ever could be."
VIVA LA CHAINSA'LUTION!
Mine have extra poison, plus they grow back their stingers grow back, plus they have little masks, plus their the best bugs, plus I'm cool and you're not!
Rolled 2 (1d20)
Even my allosauri don't stop them permanently and they cause too big of a mess with their bone laden shite.
Guess i must fight fire with fire....
Guess i will have to do it.....
I must summon......
Mecha raptors with chainsaws for teeth and claws
Rolled 12, 12 = 24 (2d20)
>he attempts to impale arnold's other arm with the chainsaw
>they wave as they continuing their rebellion
HEY, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
>The chainsawmancers attempt to CQC the raptors
Rolled 15 (1d20)
>Justin attempts to freeze all the chainsawmancers
>He starts singing this song and music magically fills the air https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=455-CIgc7co
I'll never join you, the concept of being king to miniature beings will always be stronger than the sensation of humming gardening tools!
>Fires finger webbing
I wish I wasn't too busy to say words about futility!
You are not welcome to lefty or righty's memorial services!
Rolled 11, 20 = 31 (2d20)
>rolling to group dodge roll!
>He's onto u-
>WAIT, HOW DID YOU GET IN HE-
Hey, you hear that? Tommy got rid of that stupid narrator!
We control this now!
>WHAT'S THIS DICE THINGY?
>ROLL IT DUDE!
>UHH..THE COOL CHAINSAW RODENT ATTEMPTS TO AVOID AND TACKLE HIS LOOSER FATHER!
FUCK YOU NERD!
Rolled 2 (1d20)
>Stares with a furrowed brow
>Then eats a tackle from the roach
SUMMON MANEATER MANTIS ARRGH
THE BLOOD LOSS FROM MY SEVERED HAND IS BEGINNING TO MAKE ME LESS INTERESTED IN PETTY FIGHTING WITH YOU
MORTY OPERATION HOT COFFEE IS GO
Rolled 11 (1d20)
>Chainsawmancers are now frozen
>but their chainsaws are revving
>THEY'RE SLOWLY BREAKING OUT
>Mages being sliced in half by chainsaws
>Just a normal day in the mages' guild.
>"IT'S OVER FATHER."
>"I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND."
>He attempts to slice the mantis in half
Rolled 18 (1d20)
I REFUSE TO BE INCLUDED IN THAT AMOUNT EVEN IF I DO REACH MY DEMISE HERE
Fortunately.... THAT WON'T BE TODAY
>Attempts to slide away on a bed of ants as jets of scalding hot coffee magically spray from the walls
NO MORE REVOLTS TODAY
>He simply watches
>the chainsaw rodent stands
>"Now...I have become the most powerful Chainsawmancer Aen has ever known.."
>Darth Vader's Theme
>mages all around are sliced in half on the floor or wounded
>And even though the chainsawmancers here were stopped
>The Chainsawmancy Department is still in full revolt against the guild
>This is the age of chainva'lution
>you mean get BETTER!
This isn't the last you'll see of me! I'll be back with dumber insects and a swatter hand where this one used to be!
I resent the improper representation of insects provided by that naaaaaaaame
>Is carried out of the room and down the stairs towards his office
No one is getting rid of my department without a fight
Alright, it's about time to clear out into the arch-WHY ARE THERE CHUNKS OF PEOPLE EVERYWHERE?!
Rolled 17 (1d20)
>"No..I stay here...I shall lead this revolution.."
>Cue MGS 3 Music
>more chainsawmancers run in
OH SHIT, IT'S THE BOSS!
FUCK YEAH, CHAINSAWMANCY RULES!
HEAR THAT TOMMY?
>I HEAR YOU DARREL
>One Chainsawmancer attempts to chainsaw punt him
>A Chainsaw Punt
You just stepped on my cornflakes, and stepping on someone's cornflakes is a weird way to eat cornflakes
You honestly have to ask that question?
It's the chainsaw department, they riot over everything and anything. It's practically one of the requirements.
Why. Why are you humanoids so unbelievably violent and foolish?
Would you like some help? After all this is done?
You dare cross paths with ME?!
>catches with one arm as he revs his chainsaw arm
You versus me. Mano a mano. You lose? Your Chainsaw spellblades flee to the northern Barrens. You take then name of Zar'nek Delgado. "Exile" in the Tongue of my ancestors.
You win? My spoils of war are yours and your kin's.
first to nat 20 wins
>chainsawmancers all around cheer him on
SHOW THAT SKINNY STUPID LIZARD WHO'S THE MOTHERFUCKING BOSS, BOSS!
CHAINSAWMANCY FOR LIFE!
>The dead bodies of mages and chainsawmancers litter the floor
>Chainsawmancers are rioting
VIVA LA CHAINSA'LUTION!
FUCK YOU NERD!
HAH, SHE THINKS OUR CHAINSAWS RUN ON OIL!
>A Random mage grabs his nametag and rewrites it to say "Beepisser and Vacumancer Lame"
Your brown-nosing will not save your disgusting department from my wrath, former fishman.
Don't forget that we had to enchant your chainsaws for you. So while magic do keep them running longer, they will need oil eventually.
HOOOOOSSSSSSS! YOUR REIGN OF TERROR IS OVER! THE DEPARTMENT IS MINE!
THIS IS A HOSTILE TAKEOVER BY BEST DEPARTMENT, CHAINSAWMANCY DEPARTMENT!
IF YOU DON'T WANNA GET SAWED, GET THE FUCK OUT.
>We move the Archives now
I beg to differ