WELCOME TO CATACHAN RECRUIT. HOW TOUGH ARE YA?

>>44606248

I once drank a large glass of orange juice after I brushed my teeth.

>>44606248
Wait, why would you send recruits to Catachan?

You recruit from there, sure. But generally you're tithed from the SDF or trained on the way to your warzone, or both.
You don't send fungs to the planet where you can't even wash your face without it being eaten by a carnivorous towel.

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>>44606248

Pretty tough sir! I once argued on /tg/ for an entire day until the thread died sir!

Sir, may I ask you where the bathroom is sir?!

>>44606248
Once i patted a pretty big dog, sir!

>>44606284
Maybe the Imperium sent an Intern to help out with the papers? Maybe they sent a recruit for cross training as a joke? Maybe some Imperial officer wants his son to man up? Maybe OP just wants to have fun?

>>44606248
I desobeyed my parents once and refused to eat my veggies

>>44606284

I think it might have to do with how you called Inquisitor Adrianna a "fat whore" and slapped her ass during the festivities.

Or that time you were caught peeping on the Lord Sector's favourite concubine.

Or maybe when you took the last cookie in the cookie jar at the munitorium office.

I'd say they sent you to Catachan as a mercy, but I'm not sure that qualifies.

>>44606262

BY GOD RECRUIT. YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH? THAT'S FOR WOMEN. TERRAN WOMEN!

GIVE ME 10000 PUSH UPS. NOW.

>>44606296

THE BATHROOM? IT'S ALL AROUND YOU.

>>44606313

WAS IT POISONOUS, CARNIVOROUS, EXPLOSIVE OR FLAMMABLE?

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>>44606248
How tough am I? You got a new bottle of ketchup?

>>44606340

Who is this "God" you are refering to, Jungle Fighter?

I do hope for the sake of your planet that you mean the God-Emperor.

>>44606248
Tough as skub sir!

I STOLE FROM THE BLOOD RAVENS, SIR!

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

>>44606248
I drink milk
from the carton

>>44606368

AS IF THERE IS ANY OTHER GOD!

Look here son. We call the Emperor "God", either that or we call him "Emps", for fucks sake we ain't calling him "God-Emperor". That's a fuckton of words that takes a fuckton of time to say, time we could be using TO KILL SOMETHING.

Now our old Commissar they sent from Terra used to moan about us calling Him "Emps". Until a Black Viper ate him alive. I still hear the screams when I lay down. Anyway, he died good, so we give him that and only say "God" most of the time.

Now listen here. You can be all up and dandy about this "For the sake of your planet" bullshit. But I'll tell you this. I put this here knife through your eye right here and now and those folk on Terra will send me a chocolate bunny, another medal and a note saying "Keep doing a good job". Then they'll send another random Inquisitor, and if he comes with that talk again I'll do the same, and I don't care who it is, it might even be fucking Torquemada himself, nobody gonna do nothing about it, not to me, not to Catachan. So carry on your merry way boy.

>>44606398

IS THAT WHY THERE'S A TERMINATOR TELEPORTING BEHIND YOU?

>>44606414

HEY BOYS! LUNCH IS HERE.

>>44606447
You think that's tough?
I drink milk
From the bag

>>44606461
>time we could be using TO KILL SOMETHING.
>He hasn't figured out that he can talk and reduce the enemies of Man to a greasy smear at the same time

>>44606482
He said Catachan, not Canadia.

>>44606248
I once stubbed my naked toe when it was cold and didn't scream.

>>44606369
HATE SKUB

>>44606512

Yes.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING STEALTH?

THEN HOW CAN YOU STRANGLE AN ENEMY WITH HIS BEST BUD'S ENTRAILS, IF HE ALREADY HEARD YOU COMMING?!

YOU MORON.


Bertha, take a look at this maggot!

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>>44606512

Eh, I'd let him give me head.
Then I'd crush his head with my legs.

Where is that Liktor we captured? I wanna wrestle something.

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>>44606248
One of these wee bastards made its way into my little sisters room one time. It was a tough fight, I almost didn't make it out but eventually I managed to kill it with a pepa pig annual. I didn't even scream once and if anybody tells you diffidently they're lying.

I once called the Commissar an upjumped bureacrat with a Napoleon complex and delusions of grandeur, sir!

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>>44606248
I don't think I should be here. I've been trained in urban combat. Once beat one of those desire daemon cultists to death with a giant dildo while being hit by las fire though sir, does that count?

>>44606709
What in the Emprah's name is a "nap-ol-eeon"?

>>44606248
Not very tough, sir. I only killed a thousand Orks with the jawbone of a Grox.

>>44606844
He was a governor over in the Franciscan sector. Short bloke, tried to take over the entire sector, and got exiled to the prison world of Corsyacan.
Broke out, took control of the penal legion from that world, and tried to conquer the entire sector again.

>>44606482
Hah!
I drink milk
from a necron's skull

>>44606828
>rank and file soldier with no gf

Can't claim I'm too tough there, Catachan.

Will this intake process take much longer because I promised I'd go on a pubcrawl with Fuklaw and Straken tonight.

>>44606917

RECRUIT, IF YOU TELL ME THE PHASE SHOCKING DOESN'T HURT YOUR GUMS WHILE DOING THAT, THEN I SAY YOU GOT A BRIGHT FUTURE AHEAD OF YA.

Cata-chan! I- I killed this Catachan Devil for you,

But it's not like I did it because I l- like you.

The regiment was in danger that's all,

Cata-chan

>>44606597
>Eh, I'd let him give me head.

I'm ok with this sir.

>>44607150

THEN YOU NEVER HEARD OF A CATACHAN POWER-BUSH.

HA

I beat a Chaos Space Marine to death with a wooden club.

>>44606248
Well sarge, I once beat an ork in a drinking contest. It wasn't until it passed out and fell over I realized it was your mother.

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I served 3 years in the Cadian "Totally not unlucky" 13th, 7 years in the 33,562nd Penal Legion, 15 years as the "personal assistant" of the Abbess Superior of the Oder of the Cold Wroth and 9 years in the service of the Inquisition.

I have no idea what I've been doing for the last 9 years because they brain raped me on leaving. All I know is that that I can now pilot a thunderhawk and have cybernetic legs. I have no idea how either of these things happened.

Of what I can remember being a "personal assistant" was the most physically taxing and life threatening.

Do you need a thunder hawk pilot. I have lots of experience. Apparently.

>>44607248

HA

TAKE THIS MAN AND GIVE IN A KNIFE AND A SMOKE.

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>>44606248
SIR, THIS RECRUIT HAS HAD HIS DICK BLESSED BY THE ENGINSEERS SO THAT HE CAN FUCK THE LEMAN RUSSES UNTIL THEY ARE REPAIRED, SIR!

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>>44606248
>WELCOME TO CATACHAN RECRUIT.

Heavy breathing and confused looks.

>44607137
I forgot to mention, it's a new skull each time.

I was born with a strange psychic power sarge, i somehow always hit exactly 50% of my shots at any range.
Also, when our squad suffered a direct hit from an regade baneblade once but i survived without a scratch while everyone else was obliterated.

>>44606828
>>44607020
>my feet hurt
>transferred to catachan
>everybody's wearing stinking xenoleather and blood
>haven't been issued new armor or uniform
>still wearing digital hive camo pattern
>in a emperor-damned jungle
>everybody calls me a coward for keeping distance and unloading charge packs into threats
>everything here is venomous, pointy, on fire, smelly, caustic, electrified or all of the above at once
>that includes my fellow guardsmen
>keep giving away position with those damned cigars
>wish I was breach and clearing
>miss my hive
>bet those fuckers don't even operate

I eat lightning and crap thunder

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>>44606248
How tough am I?!
Once i made a mistake and was shot from the commissar, but I survived.

I am the Commissar ಠ_ಠ

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>>44606248
I HAVE RAIDED UP AND DOWN THE COASTS OF MY HOMEWORLD FOR OVER TEN YEARS, LOOTING AND BURNING THE VILLAGES OF HERETICS IN MY WAKE.

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I BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF TRAITORS SIR!

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>>44606248
I've fired a plasma gun.

>>44606248
I played FATAL once and didn't vomit. Very much.

>>44608123
But do you Catan?

>>44607417
>this guard is recruited by the inquisition
>he spends all day in a cozy room shooting at targets from holy terra all across the galaxy and killing half of them.

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I W'UNZ STOMPED A BIGGA GIT WHO WAS MUKIN ABOWT!

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>>44606248
I'm so tough that GW retconned me out of existence.

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>>44606248
Well sir, my squad and I recently assisted some space marines with capturing a live zoanthrope from the octarius system for our inquisitor. When we delivered it he sent us here for vacation. Well he said something about fetching a barking toad for him, but I think it was a joke

>>44606248
"I had my first time with an eversor assassin. I was top, and it wasn't consensual"

>>44607858
DAMN STRAIGHT YOU DO MAGGOT

HOW SICK ARE YOUR SPINS?

>>44606248
I pursued Lu Bu and not only did I live to talk about it, I defeated him.

>>44608272
>The Inquisition
>A sense of humor
You're still pretty green, aren't you?

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I WAS ONCE RAPED BY A SLAANESHI DAEMON.


I MADE IT CRY.

>>44606248
I put itching powder in a cannoness's chasity belt.

>>44606248
I KICK GITS AND I KICK GROZ 'UMIE

DIS 'ARD ENUFF!?

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I once found out what was in those forbidding tomes the sororitas carry around.

And survived.

It's literature. Smutty literature.

I once fought a Gargant with my bare hands.

I once kicked an angry marine in the dick. He tried to kick me back, but he broke his toes on my Mars-pattern forged titanium balls.

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>>44608322
THEY ARE UNLIMMITED POWERFUL SIR

>>44606248
Two words. Burnscour. Lictor.

>>44609019
Do you have the high ground?

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Excuse me, can I join?

I have survived more ammunition than the planet Cadia and am held in high esteem for my inquisitive nature.

>>44608817
Yeah? Well, I took on three with my BEAR hands!

>>44606248
Most guard go into battle loaded for bear.

I go into battle loaded with bears

>>44607858
When they get up to ep7, the Jedi Party series will have FUN with him.

>>44606248
I once ordered exterminatus on a planet... called Catachan .

>>44606828
too much egde

>>44606512
>not killing something with your teeth while killing something else with your hands
>preferably while kicking a third thing to death
Absolutely pathetic.

>>44606461
daily reminder that one astartes chapter got almost annihilated for just thinking of talking shit about the inquisition

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>>44609710
And the Life Eater Virus successfully was deployed.

The Catachans remembered it as last years Emperor's Day flu outbreak. It temporarily knocked the ork population down a bit so that was nice.

>>44606248
I'm so tough I ate the Book of Lorgar in front of a Dark Apostle.

>>44609068
From a certain point of view

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>>44609809
>using virus bombs
>ever
Mate, Virus bombs are for pussies, I use pic related.

>>44609846
What was the sand like?

>>44609044
What's so bad about this Burnscour Lictor?

>>44609793
Which chapter was that?

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>>44609068
From a certain point of view

>>44609872
Celestial Lions. The Templars are helping them though.

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>>44606248
I once managed to get a swing at Ghazghkull himself, sir - and getting close alone is saying something. Unfortunately I didn't hit nothing that couldn't be repaired, and they hit me harder than I liked.

>>44606320
We trained him wrong, as a joke.

>>44606248
I've been here for three days and I ain't dead yet.

>>44609888
Thanks, I'll read up on it

>>44609928
It was all because the Inquisitor thought if one corrupted cardinal was on the planet, then the whole planet was corrupted. The Lions did bury some of their dead on the planet and that didn't help the whole thing.

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>>44609872
Celestial Lions.

They put in a complaint about the conduct of a well connected Inquisitor.

During the 3rd War for Armageddon they were given false information about the orkish forces that saw 80+% of their chapter killed.

Their last apothecary was taken out by an "ork sniper" after they got back to the relative safety of the hive. With nobody to make new marines the chapter was destined to die through simple attrition.

Then the Black Templars gave the Inquisition the two finger salute and loaned them a couple of spare apothecaries because fuck you guys.

Pic related. "Ork snipers".

>>44609973
It was a Vindicare Assassin, and that thing was after the Lions didn't get the message when their brothers sent to talk to the High Lords about the mess "disappeared".

>>44606248
I fucked an ogryn. Twice.

I got stepped on a Titan by accident and it gave me a boner.

Now I can't get hard to anything else leaving me extremely sexually unsatisfied and therefore violently angry.

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>>44609959
>>44609973
>>44610009
Thanks guys, cheers

>>44610248
You're welcome.

I like chamomile tea with a quarter slice of lemon, I like the tang but too much acidity upsets my stomach

>>44606320
None of those things are plausible or possible.

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>>44610418
You appear to be in the wrong regiment.

I come from Australia. I deal with worse shit then what you're planet can throw at me just getting out of bed in the morning.

>>44610589
I'm this guy's mother.

>>44606248
I ripped of a Chaos Marine's head and ate it.

The best part is that I didn't mutate at all.

Still it tasted funny and saw bizarre things for a day, but was irritating than something to worry about.

>>44610683
I'm the guy who traveled from a different country to marry her in her hell country.

>>44608580
>The primarchs are homo-erotic anime characters
>emperor is old man grooming his harem

I-I never got knocked out sir does that count?

>>44608243
And then GW retconned you back as a background abhuman.

Now do everything so that they retcon you back as a playable faction.

>>44610683
Oh, Hai mum. We still doing dinner tomorrow?

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>>44610482

>>44610009
For some reason it's nice knowing that Marines aren't untouchable sacred cows and fucking with Inquisition or Lords of Terra will get you killed no matter what. Imperium is surprisingly big on equality.

>>44606597
They have girl Rambo? Cool.

>>44610926
Those helmets are really taking the pith.

>>44610969

Yes. Nobody is above getting shafted.

>>44610969
Everyone's equal under the gaze of the Emperor. No special privileges, at least in theory.

>>44606248
I went up to a commissar and told him that his hat doesn't look nice.

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>>44610969
>>44611032
>>44611067
Sorry. Couldn't hear you over the fact that we're the 1st Legion.

>>44611202
Even Dark Angels serve under Inquisitors sometimes.

I wish they would face actual censure though. Especially the Angels of Redemption. A penitent crusade wouldn't do them any harm.

>>44611349
>Even Dark Angels serve under Inquisitors sometimes.
Yes, but they do it entirely under their own terms.

>I wish they would face actual censure though. Especially the Angels of Redemption. A penitent crusade wouldn't do them any harm.
I agree. But I kinda like that the DAngles can and do just constantly brush aside every piece of shit that is thrown their way. Like, they really do give no fucks. Although a story about the AoR getting a stern talking too from the high lords and sent on a crusade would make for good reading.

>>44611202
One of them looks like the guy from Scooter

Sailor for 8 years sir!
Been around my homeworld in such regions as Somalicus fighting local sea-pirates with great success, securing vital food-transports for the Imperium.
I´ve been in the region known as Malii fighting savage locals, protecting the emperors citizens.
Been conducting hand-to-hand combat with more locals from different regions than I can count to.
And I´m pretty sure that I one night fucked a orc into submission.
I´m your man sir!

>>44612226
I enjoy it, but it seems a little ridiculous that they manage it every time, even if they're really good at staying nominally within the letter of the law.

I'd especially like a story about the AoR getting questioned by Inquisitors, and they just stubbornly refuse to give up anything about the Inner Circle or the Fallen. Then the Inquisition goes, "Well, you aren't telling us what the fuck is up, but you have quite a service record and you don't seem to be Chaos tainted, so I guess I better force you guys on a penitent crusade and hopes that straights you fucks out." The Unforgiven still get to decide things somewhat on their own terms and don't get their secret uncovered, but the chapter with the worst excesses gets slapped with some punishment.

>>44606248
I'm so tough I've been sent to a death world where only the toughest of the natives survive, for training.

>>44612630
I'm so tough I've been sent to a death world where only the toughest of the natives survive, for a peaceful retirement.

>>44607166
Bwahahahahahahahaha.

Good one.

I'm so tough sir i won a arm wrestle contest against a knight, gallant.

>>44612651
I'm so tough I've been sent to a death world where only the toughest of the natives survive, as a trainer, which IS my retirement.

>>44612890
I'm so tough I was sent to a death world where only the toughest of the natives survive, as a trainer, for my retirement. But I killed everything dangerous on that planet, and it is now a paradise world. So they sent me here

HOW TOUGH AM I?

I PLAY PRINCESS DRESS UP WITH MY DAUGHTER EVERYDAY AFTER A FULL DAY OF RIPPING CRIMINALS' BRAINS OUT OF THEIR ANUSES.

I AM THE PRINCESS!

>>44613071
I'm this guy's commanding officer, and I've survived fucking him around between multiple death worlds.

I'm so tough, I ate a bowl of nails for breakfast, without any milk

>>44606248
I'm comfortable shitting in the woods, sir!

>>44613114
This reminds me of Warhammer High for some reason. Specifically Kelly Kurze. Was that on purpose?

I'm so tough punched a dark elder up the ass so hard they DIDN'T enjoy it

>>44606248
Pretty though, I once played a fighter and picked toughness with all my fighter's bonus feats, you can't be tougher than that, I checked.

>>44610997

Don't forget Vasquez as well

>>44606248
Error.
I am the Mechanicus priest that delivers Colonel Straken's daily replacement chainfist.
This humble cog in the Omnissiah's machine would request two things.
Request Primaris: Directions to Colonel Straken, for refit.
Request Secundus: That someone advise the Colonel that repeated "Chainfisting" of a beast with highly corrosive ichor will drastically exacerbate the wear and tear on his blessed machine components, and point out the fact that each one of these power fists costs more than ten-point-six-seven-repeating-three of his men, and should not NEED replacement every day-night-cycle

>>44606340
>WAS IT POISONOUS, CARNIVOROUS, EXPLOSIVE OR FLAMMABLE

All four, sir!

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I once fought a fly in close combat, sir. After twenty confirmed hits, it went down, as I was on the brink of death.
Also, I didn't even cry during the process.

>>44606514
*Cadia

I once walked through the valley where I harvested my grain, I took a look at my wife, and realized she was very plain, but that's just perfect for an Imperial like me, you know I shun fancy things like electricity.

>>44606248
How tough am I? I'm french, I eat pain for every meal.

>>44622063
Considerable kek.

>>44606248
I FOUGHT A DRAGON ONCE SIR

IT LAUNCHED ME TEN KILOMETERS OFF A CLIFF AND INTO A LAKE. I WALKED BACK UP THE CLIFF AND CHUCKED THAT DRAGON INTO THE LAKE, SIR!

>>44606248

I am but a simple farm-hand sir. But my planet was attacked by Necrons when I was a but a child.

Killed my first xenos and made squad leader before I turned 16.

>>44622063
I lol'd

>>44606248
>WELCOME TO CATACHAN RECRUIT.

Catachan ? Th... This must be an administrative mistake Sir... I enlisted in the Merchant Fleet you see.

>>44622554
your going to sell death and buy victory.

>>44606248
SIR! Sly Marbo once nodded at me. SIR!

>>44606248
I have regular blackouts and almost ripped out a man's throat.

>>44613195
I'm so tough, I'm the multiple death worlds

Sir! I´m in the Middle of wrestling that Genestealer, that stranded here last Week. He is not that great a Opponent, Sir!

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Oi, dis is da place where it's always fightin' an dangerous as a really dangerous ring roight?
An' I is an ork-... I mean 'Umie so we're made fer fightin' and winnin! Just give one of' dem fancy choppas and da shoots with the spooky skull on da side an' we's in business!

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HA!
IM JUST HAVING VACATIONS HERE

>>44607357
Could you imagine a regiment of Kriegers on Catachan?
They wouldn't last a week, not that they couldn't handle it, they'd just all heroically sacrifice themselves to cook breakfast.

>>44609793
Daily reminder that not all chapters are born equal and the space yiff killed an inquisitor on Armageddon and no one gave a shit.

they even went to war with the ecclesiarchy and they are still highly regarded by the high lords

>>44623733
First founding legions got a free pass for doing bullshit like this.
Dark Angels,Yiffs both killed inquisitors and its implied Blood Angels did it too

>>44610589
WHAT THE FUCK IS AN AUSTRALIA BOY?

>>44606248

I'm so tough I once travelled to this Death World on vacation and married one of the natives. It took me 3 years to find out "she" was actually an Ork with brain damage.

That's how tough am I.

>>44624098
HA! I'm so tough that I travelled to Ultramar and maried this high-born noble native whose father was a member of the Senate.

It took me 3 years to find out she was actually Alpharius.

I broke his heart with the divorce!

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>>44623733
>>44623772
Yeah the wolves got away with this because they're a first founding chapter, it totally wasn't because they have 8 fucking battle barges and 70+ smaller warships

Also
>no one gave a shit
Can you say, full scale invasion of Fenris demanding submission

>>44609068
If I were a DI, I would banepost and prequelpost to the recruits

>>44606248
I GOT SLASHED BY A CARNIFEX AND I ONLY CRIED FOR THIRTY MINUTES, SIR!

>>44607357

If ever I were to cosplay, I'd cosplay that pic. Fucking sexy.

I beat Halo on Legendary.

>>44606248
I WATCHED THE ORIGINAL ANNIE AND DIDN'T SING ALONG ONCE.

>>44621983
I know what I said. And what I said was not "Cadia".

>>44624973
The original?

>>44606248
SIR, I WATCHED THE IRON GIANT AND CRIED ONLY A LITTLE AT THE END SIR

>>44606248
...
Just shoot me dead already.

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>>44606248
DED 'ARD YE COULD SAY!

>>44626647
Feral Orks have breached the perimeter again, sir.

>>44626724
FERALS? ZOGGIN SNAKEBITES! I'M ON IT SIR!

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>>44626732
I like your enthusiasm. You'll go far in this outfit.