Well, the Commissar is dead, high command has abandoned us and the damned greenskins will probably overrun us in a few hours so unless we get an Emperor damned miracle we're not making it out of this alive.
You know never thought I'd go like this, always imagined I'd become a general when I was a lad, always wanted to lead my men into battle and slay the Emperors enemies. Believed that I'd be buried a hero. It's the reason I joined the guard against my parents wishes when recruitment officer came around.
Ah what a fool I was, well enough about an old mans regrets. What made you enlist, why did you get yourself dragged across the galaxy? Honor? Glory? Adventure? Why are you here?
SIR I HAVE A PLAN!
We have all this green paint and there's scrap metal everywhere.
We paint ourselves green and bolt the metal to our armor and convince the Orks that we are fellow greenskins.
Then we infiltrate their camp and blow shit up!
Yeah, you where right.
fine, but we're gonna need at least one really big guy to make the Orks think we're command level. I gotta great coat and the Commissar's spare hat, I'm gonna need to sit on somebody's shoulders.
okay great, there's some paint in the outsheds and the engineers have some riveting equipment lying around, if we work REALLY fast and paint ourselves green they might mistake us for some gretchin and a lost boy.
Wanted to impress a girl. Didn't think too much about the war thing when I enlisted.
Now almost every girl I know has a metaphorical dick bigger than mine and I'm scared as fuck of them, so I just spend most of the time in the frontlines trying to not draw much attention to me.
I had a whole bunch of questions, and only the Commissariat had answers.
Well sir, remember that void station the troopship docked at a while back? Travel brochures said the place had a population of roughly a billion. But you can't grow anything on a void station, can't mine anything, and it would make an awful manufactoria given the costs for shipping stuff out there. The station was mostly for the repair of incoming vessels, but it's only cogboys who do that, and they're a tiny fraction of the population. What does everyone else there actually do?
Also, sir? What's a lego?
I wanted a stable job that doesn't involve much of anything. You know, an agriworld PDF, some drills, warm meals, disaster relief once in a blue moon. But my whole unit was so terrible that I couldn't underperform enough to stay planetside.
Well I'm afraid I can't answer that question as I have no fucking idea what happens on those stations, best I can figure is that the cogboys have some kind of crazy bloated bureacracy or that there's a clerical error.
as for your other question? Just take off your boots and socks and step in this plastic bin.
To all officers and regiments that may be receiving, we're through with Imperial command! If we have to fight, we're going to do it for ourselves from now on. You want to call that defection, fine. We were dead men anyway. At least the cults promise something in return. This region is ours now. We see anyone, ANYONE, within a mile of here, we'll bury them in ordnance. Don't doubt we can, either. The regiment's "holy armour" isn't that particular about the holiness of them that drives it.
I saw that one pict-recorder commercial, the one with the Space Marine that kriffs up the mutant and turns into the Cadian.
I always thought most of the folks here were drafted.
When it happened to me I thought it would be good to get out of agriculture. I also thought I'd be given a rocket launcher, since I can carry a lot. They noticed that and gave me all the ammo instead.
Guys, now the Commissar is dead, why do we even do this? The Emperor is a corpse. Why are we working for him? The Chaos boys, now they have real leaders. Especially that Nurgle fellow. He seems pretty nice, even.
Guardsmen. I have ran twelve miles from my post and through five walls to answer the wailing Machine Spirit of the device you are operating.
Please cease loading it with fungal green paint. This is techno heresy. That unit is only for primer application purposes.
Later, maybe, he keeps it up we'll have him walk the plastic mile. In the meantime disregard >>33983903 and start spraying down guardsmen, make sure you have your noses plugged and that you hold your breath, then move on and get some scrapmetal augmented kit.
Are you sure you would like to engage Enginseer Rage and Combat Protocols. press any key to continue
I will consult my data banks. Precursor searches indicate probability of success of wearing a bucket over head, and screaming invisibility, at 2% success rate.
haven't had parents since a Dark Eldar raid, fifteen years back. Signing on was my ticket off the streets, a way to live on something other than the contents of other peoples' pockets.
Now I know this looks bad, but we've been down this hole before. Somehow we've always come out the other side. Look , see? Shooting stars.
Make a wish.
hey, hey, hey, hey cogboy.
somebody shoved legos inside of the intake ports of a bunch of the chimeras and glued a plastic mustache to the omnisiah's votive statue, maybe you should do something about that.
Fault in nonpaged area. Chkdisk initiated. Daemonware scan.
Logic fault found.
System reboot engaged.
So, our tankers are asking if they should paint themselves too, sir, or just Orkify their Lemans and stay inside?
Roight den. You gibz me a look at dat deer paintz gubbinz and I'll make ya roight proper orky. Just gotta get me dakka fer flash I'm makin.
Who'z ready fer tinkering!?
they should paint the tanks red and paint themselves green, and for the love of fuck don't mix it up.
OY EITHER GET IN LINE FOR THE GREENY MAKING OR BUZZ OFF, WE HAZ A PLAN AND WE'RE STIKING TO IT.
Yeah, the Orks have a secret weapon that would be catastrophic to you guys
Just spike the tanks up a bit.
You help out the tankers
fine, gonna go kill ghazghkull, have fun with that plan, maybe, just maybe, you won't get blammed by the next commissar, any guardsmen that don't wanna die yet we'll take you to the next battlefield
OI I'M THE WARBOSS, KRUMP YOUR NOISEHOLE AND PIKE OFF. DEM HUMIES HIT US WITH NASTY POISON GAS THAT TOOK AWAY OUR GREEN, IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL THEY'LL TAKE AWAY YOUR ORKYNESS WITH THEIR POISON GAS TOO!
Seriously lads, wouldn't you rather be playing with these boys and loving Grandfather Nurgle than pretending to be Orks to die for a False Emperor?
I imagine they're a bunch of agriworlders that get by through blind luck and wishful thinking.
And half of them are there because they fell for the recruitment trap.
UH, E'ZE GONE TA GET IMSELF SOME SQUIG, AND ASKED UZ TA STAY ERE JUST NOW AND PAINT OUR GUBBINZ!
well, i've got your back guardsmen, just gotta kill this pustule
Hey, private Oppe, was it?
While the guys get back with the paint, lemme tell you about this crazy-ass governor back home. Yeah, him. That bastard with the 200 daughters? Everyone has their own ways of blowing off steam, y'know, but back on our planet it was pretty wide-known that that cranky bastard had the easiest daughter in the Empire. Everywhere I went, it always "oh, she'll sleep with any guy, long as you do it in the keep" and I figured, shit, what's the worst that can happen? Turns out, that "daughter" of his was one of 200 paid whores used to blackmail guys into service. Half the frakkin regiment fucked their way into this mess, and now we're painting ourselves green.
Come now, don't be like that. You know Grandfather loves you, all you have to do is accept his gifts.
I'd rather this not have to get violent.
Consecration of Diabolus Pixeligon initiated.
Expect results in 5 to 10 working millennias.
and you need to leave, heretic
Tell the Captain that the we'll join Nurgle if those smelly assholes make a diversion on the east side of the camp. If we're gonna do this, we might as well backstab the heretics after we set off the bomb.
*BLAM!!!!!* looks like the commissar can still blam us
We're waiting for your orders Comissar!
Come in Comiss***BZZZZT*** Come in!
Fuck you guys, the Tau are enlisting right over the next hill.
See ya later, fuckers!
Hold the line, lads.
I'm going to check out that one high class brothel in town, I heard it had uh, cultists of some kind.
Yes, human. Join us, for the greater goods.
>He's dead***BZZZT*** Orks ***BZZZT***infiltrate ***BZZT***
Alright lads Comissar's dead and the Orks are there.
At my command....
"2nd platoon is pre-- Err, OI! SECOND ORKZ REDY FO DA PLAN, BOSS!"
because matt ward decided to screw with us
I'm here because I was born first.
You seem to be confused, as to who is d a meanest and da greenest, friend.
The Orks are challenging us sir!
I don't know if we can do this, how can mere men best such sick solo's?
"Stay at the back of the formation, lads. Any of the greenskins hitch a ride, let them, but by the Emperor, don't let them climb in."
Humans, we have witnessed your cunning, and we wish for you to join us.
You will be treated better than in your guard, with ample food.
ALRIGHT BOYZ, LET THE SPAIZ MAREINS DISTRACT 'EM WHOILE WE HEAD IN WITH THE BOMBZ! YOU BOYZ STAY AT THE FRONT AND WACK EACHOTHER LOIKE PROPPAH GRETCHINS TIL WE GET THERE.
FOR THE EMPEROR!
>What made you enlist
Imperial law, and the enforcers thereof. I was pulled out of my last year of scholam and driven to a parade ground where somebody on a platform read an edict into a vox that nobody really understood. I was afraid we were all about to be stubbered to death for some kind of heresy, even though I couldn't think of any I had committed. Then marched us onto trucks and then onto what didn't know was a dropship until it was headed for orbit. A guy I knew complained, and someone in a big hat shot him in the face, and then nobody complained anymore.
>why did you get yourself dragged across the galaxy?
Nobody has told us anything yet, we're all still crammed on the troop transport and have been for a couple of months. All they've done is shave our heads, inject us with about a dozen inoculations against disease that made us all sick for half this voyage, dress us in ill-fitting uniform, and yell at us. Dear Emperor, the yelling.
Apparently I did well enough in scholam that I have been assigned to operate a missile launcher as part of a heavy weapons team. Mostly because I can read, I guess, because they gave me a drawing of two men using a missile launcher. No missile launcher and no other explanation except the words "Point this end at the enemy" and "Backblast area: do not stand here". And then they told us to practice this or they would shoot us in the face and give the piece of paper to the next smartest pair on their list. Practice what, you might ask? All day we stand in the position indicated by the picture and pretend we're holding the objects in the picture. Then we take turns repeating "Point this end at the enemy" and "backblast area: do not stand here". Every once in a while I trade position with my partner.
The Drill Abbot yelled at us that we were doing a good job, then told us to do it faster.
I can't wait to get to whatever war we're going to be fighting, just to get off this ship and stop getting yelled at by him.
Guys, shhh! Let's see what theese mon-keigh do next...
Hello boys, I've been assigned here as your new commissar.
Now, who's in need of some mmmm....punishment?
keep with the plan guardsman, you might just make it out alive!
It has come to my divided attention that you are guilty that you are acting and uttering utterings in a manner not in concordance with Imperial dogma. It is highly recommended you cease this line of action and talk, and resume action in a manner respectable for an officer of His Imperial Majesty's armed forces.
Wait, did "she" look like this photo? 'cause if I remember she was really into dress-up. Though mainly wanted me in the clothes, for some reason.
But you're basically giving the foul warp-spawn a chance to escape! I'm a lowly guardsman, and I seem to have a better idea of my duty than one of the Emperor's chosen, apparently.
Who here is kneeling to the alien? Who here needs a bolt in the skull?
>Though mainly wanted me in the clothes, for some reason.
GUARDSMAN! POINT THAT FLASHLIGHT OVER AT THE ORKS, WE DON'T HAVE TIME!
besides bjorn's taking out the nurgle infestation over there
Emperor's luck, inquisitor! Some foul Eldar crossdresser is trying to rally the 2nd platoon, the Space Wolves are shooting apart the camp, the Greenskins blew our cover, and I'm pretty sure our Captains were arguing with agents of Chaos momemnts before we marched off!
I think I was, though I think she might have put something in the bacon and eggs she cooked for me. And you know, after a few years on Guard rations you kinda scarf a decent meal down so...oh shit. Someone tell me what happened?
ERR IS RIGHT, WHAT IN THE EMPEROR'S NAME IS GOING ON!!!!
... Excuse me while I rev up the battleship.
Meanwhile, the Emperor smiles as four chapters of space marines assist a legion of painted guardsmen as they annihilate the Ork stronghold, casting a glance at Khorne as the Bloodgod pays up.
"Next time." The hateful God swears before averting his gaze from the clusterfuck of a planet.
Screw this. All I wanted was some mon-keigh pretty boy ass and now these glory-stealing pricks turn up. Be right back fellas.
You got a choice? The Imperium came to my planet and took me and the rest. We bled them for it, though. Fuck, I'm gonna die anyway, so I don't care if you guys know that I started my 'service' killing Imperials.
Don't just stand there, help me shank a bird boy! Fuckin' birds..
[after the flock of birds disperse, and the sound of violence comes to an end]
Rejoice, young and impresssionable brothers and guardsmen, we have killed all of the orks in the base. here take these t-shirts and autographs.
well, time to kill all the nurgle on this planet and gangrape lileth
Can it wait? I'm still playing with this little toy.
we gotta get back to our original deployment mission, we were sent to exterminate this planet of the nurgle influence; bit of a plus that you got here when you did, you want lelith or just here to sign some autographs?
do not worry, young and impressionable pup lord. We have also destroyed the nurglesque threat while you were wasting your time here. you are welcome. you have my thanks for providing this small assistance in our mission to destroy the ork and nurgle threats.
When suddenly a large number of these ships appear in the sky.
Attention. All remaining regiments and chapters on the planet. You have three minutes while we charge the Holy Exterminatus weapons. Any left at the end of that time will be caught in His Wrath.
When all of a sudden these ship appear overhead.
"Attention. To all remaining Regiments and Chapters upon the planet. You have five minutes while we ready His Holy Cyclonic Torpedo. Any left upon the world at the end of that time will be caught within His Wrath.
READY THE GUNS, FIRE AT THE INQUISITORS!!!
And so the Guardsmen's gambit paid off and they escaped on an Ork ship.
The clusterfuck of a planet was destroyed and they vowed never to fall for recruitment traps again.
The next month they found themselves waking up in a bunker being besieged by the Tau after all getting drunk in a bar on a pleasure world, and so the cycle continued.............
As for the others...
The escaping Tau went on to make their first contact with the hrud. Their dimplomatic efforts failed, as said tau died of premature aging.
The Space Wolves found the subsector to be rejoicing at the news of the Galactic Partridge's victorious capaign against the orks, and so left to go and fight a hrud migration.
THE GALACTIC PARTRIDGES followed the space wolves, and proceeded to appear at the last second to make the killing blow and take all the credit. Again.
Lileth went back to Commoragh, and fought in an extremely lewd bloody combat, and then sold out tickets as a gladiator. (a normal day)
How dare you accuse them of theft! Blood Ravens don't steal. Of course, in the Bluhd Reven's next campaign, the force commander was said to be using a bolter gifted to him by Harry Partridge.
You should have rolled into battle with a sword, would have fucking rocked
So, let me get this straight.
A group of guardsmen disguise themselves as ork, were almost all tricked into service by a girlyboy who may be an eldar, got assistance from a bunch of spess marines, then fled an exterminatus in an ork ship and have started to believe themselves to be orks.
I love this thread.
...I was drafted. I didn't get a choice, you cunt.
>Now almost every girl I know has a metaphorical dick bigger than mine
>Implying that is a bad thing.
Only in your regiments. Turns out the Inquisition's standards for abhumans have let in some groups that share traits with Slaanesh's blessed. Turns out that you don't need to be tainted by chaos for those sort of changes to become commonplace on your planet.
On the bright side, it means the the "recruitment" rate is going up.
Why d'you think I'm here, buddy? Ain't much you can do about it once they catch your bloody arse trying to steal some food, y'know?
They beat me good, made me spill the beans on where the rest of my gang was holed up, killed almost all my friends and sent the rest to boot camp. And frankly? My life's never been better: Warm meals, a proper bed and you don't have to be afraid somebody'll cut your throat for your shoes or is gonna drag you off so they can perform some weird occult ritual on you.
The Emperor was kind enough to protect my life up to this point so I at least could enjoy some years of it, I always expected I'd be a red smear on the ground a long time ago in a battle that didn't even look this grim.
But here I am. Got this here Las-Rifle fully charged and my bayonet fixed and even though I know I'm not gonna make much of a diff'rence, I'm not gonna go without a fight lemme tell you! I have a debt to pay to the Emperor and so does the whole pathetic lot of you! So get ready and shoot some greenskins.
My homeworld was attacked by dark elder. Barely anyone survived and wasn't captured.
This was just before the tithe was due for collection, thus, I was one of the unlucky majority that was signed up so the planetary governor would keep his post.
Quickly brothers! Deploy the defensive line!
You don't go about shit. Rumor is that the governor used to work for an inquisitor, some say he still does or is the inquisitor himself. The point is that he plays by Inquisition rules, the quite ones you don't hear about not the burn and purge ones that just get everyone involved killed. Subtle as shit and completely unrefusable.
Shave more often kid, and eat what your ration cards tell you to eat.
What do you think!?
Can we get a cap of this thread
Say you fellas wouldn't have a Scottish accent and a penchant for tattoos?