>>23090675 >Broke up with long term GF just after Christmas >Battling with Depression and PTSD from an almost fatal assault a few years ago >Best friend got stabbed to death last summer by his friend while tripping >I got blamed and arrested for supplying him with the drugs they were on even though I didn't do anything and am totally innocent >Know I'm probably going to get charged anyway >Know exactly who he got the Drugs off but can't say anything because the dealer knows me/where I live/where my ex lives and is a fucking psychopath >Don't really care about myself but really don't want anything to happen to ex bc I still love her >Bail date is next Monday (the 11th) >Letting university work slip due to the stress of that but can't tell anyone the real reason why >Been sleeping approx. between 1 and 2 hours a night for last few months >Lost almost all of my friends due to the stress, family pretty much done caring about my shit because they don't know the truth >Upwards of 10 panic attacks a day now, had one while typing this
Might as well go for it. It's nothing super major.
I have issues meeting new people. I like meeting new people, listening to their stories, and interacting with them, but I get so worried about whether I come off as a colossal faggot or not that I barely initiate discussions. I wind up hoping they'll approach me more often than not, but this almost never happens. If someone else starts one, I'll gladly continue as long as I'm able to, but I'm fucking terrible at talking to people I really don't know as, well, people. Which means I barely talk to anyone. If I do add people who are interested in me, be it in or out of /soc/, it usually doesn't go anywhere.
I just wanna know how the fuck anyone talks to people without this constant anxiety about what others think about you. It's beta as shit, yeah, but it's only gotten worse throughout the years, and I've gotta find some way to knock it off eventually.
My wife went on a suicidal rant tonight. Tried to drown herself in the tub (I pulled her out) and hit her head to bleeding on table edges. Pleading with me to kill her or let her kill herself. Lots of self-loathing. Lots more about how she hates me and I ruined her life. Cliche, but sad and scary to endure - admittedly more for her than for me, but it is a heartbreaker. I called the police and she was taken away for observation with her consent. She dared me to call the police, even.
They will find trace amounts of drugs in her blood, and she will tell them that she and I ran a low-level/personal-use-only drug lab in our apartment. It's pretty clean here, but there's no way I can pull a Dexter and clean everything - I expect to sheriff to be knocking within a few hours.
I'm done. To love her, I gave up my family (daughters have not talked to me for over a year), my ~$170K/yr job, my career connections... I have been an old fool loving a beautiful young woman I met on /soc/.
I still love her, but the words "don't put your dick in crazy" have never felt more true.
When dawn hits, I'm grabbing my 50m climbing rope and tying it to a telephone pole. With the other end wrapped around my neck, I think I can hit ~40mph on my motorcycle over ~250m of hard acceleration before the rope catches and breaks my neck. I will find a quirt spot in the hills to make sure the 'bike does not damage anyone's property, and it's wet enough that it won't start a fire when it crashes without me.
She's going to inherit my ~$520K mutual funds. I hope she can use it to straighten out her life. I know that I have tried everything else, and it's all I have left. I am not going to jail for a mandatory minimum of 10 years. Ironically, I only did the chemistry because she begged me to as a lark - neither of us ever had a serious drug habit, except for the insidious habit of obsessive love.
I had a GREAT time with you all on /soc/
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