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Any mentally ill /sci/entists here?
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Any mentally ill /sci/entists here?
I'm bipolar, and had an almost perfect grade in economics for "original essays", and being "far above my peers' academic level", as my professor put it. He even befriended me with another professor who does original research.
They found talking to me interesting and even added me on Facebook.

Since then, however, I dropped out, and cut off all the previous academic connections. Now, I tend to believe that any academia-related ideas I have are just crazy delusions, and that my aspirations are just workings of my sick manic depressive mind.

Why do I think so? Because I've had so many ideas, many of which are so "revolutionary" that they're more likely to be crazy than to actually be revolutionary. For example, (I was interested in logic as well) I had ideas on how to formalize inductive logic, and I actually thought I partially succeeded in doing so, by providing what I thought were the basic forms and rules of inductive inference.

If can't even distinguish whether an idea is crazy or not, and whether everything I'm doing is crazy or not, then what's the point in continuing my studies?

Should I quit science for good, and forget everything that happened - treat it as a dream?
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No. You need to focus on one single, extremely tough, multifaceted project.
Contact you old prof. Explain just as you have here, ask if there are any top drawer questions that need solving.
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Took 12 grad math classes as an undergrad, straight A's, but had to drop out twice due to depression and drug use. Could have been a notable mathematician otherwise.
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>>7802669
>I have so many good and revolutionary ideas I tell you!
>B-but I've had no chance to enact of them because of some contrived, obviously made up bullshit reason
Or
>T-they are so revolutionary they are beyond everyone's imaginations! Crazy right!

This is the new 'smart but lazy'.

If you had good ideas, you would be living a good life. Fuck right off to dumbfuck fucking town.
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>>7802767
How can you suffer depression when you are so succesful at something?

Please don't tell me it has to do with girls. You can use your research grant money to get prostitutes.
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>>7802775
It doesn't have to do with anything. That's how depression works.
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>>7802775
Depression can be caused by biochemical issues. It affects you regardless of personal success.
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>>7802772
nice job not actually reading the post
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I have issues with depression. In school no matter what I did well in, I was always dissatisfied and couldn't enjoy anything, not even astronomy and any kind of study. I didn't drop out, but many of my fellow classmates avoided me. I did befriend teachers like you, but that was because I had good grades, and an aptitude for history and astronomy. Don't quit something you enjoyed previously, you will enjoy it again at some point, but pursue something you truly enjoy in your current mindset.
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Hi, my name is anon and I am a PhD mathematician and a schizophrenic.
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>>7802669
Just focus on non exciting ideas. Don't seek revolutionary solutions, seek ideas that compose well with what's already on the table.
Just chill and stay clear of extremes
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>>7802669
I'm a high function autist who is terrible at everything but exceptional at science and mathematics.
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I feel you. I've been bipolar all my life, though I'm fairly certain it was misdiagnosed borderline. Regardless, I was praised for my Chem work, particularly my reports, I do well in my math classes, but last semester I dropped from a 4.0 to 3.18 because I nearly failed both precalc and Chem. Why? By the end of the semester, I couldn't bring myself to do my outside work. I would be sitting there at my computer desk trying to get myself to start and after an hour I'd get up and do something else.

I don't know what to do because I'm 26 and can't afford my own health insurance, even through my job. That means I can't go see a professional because I don't have that kind of money lying around. I'm terrified of ruining my shit.
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I suffer social anxiety disorder, nevertheless I decided to face the world and I will be tutor the next semester. Wish me luck anons.
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>>7802934
I feel you buddy but really precalc?
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>>7803025

The concepts and shit are all fine. I get them and I get how it all works. That wasn't the problem. I didn't put the time needed to solidify everything because I just couldn't.
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>>7802669
>treat it as a dream

acting like you have a mental disorder is not the same as having it faget
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>>7803047
>I didn't put the time needed to solidify everything because I just couldn't.

not to down your post, i don't doubt you're an excellent chemist but if you need time to solidify anything in any math course you're not a great mathematician
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ADHD, clinical depression, a few bipolar family members
CS undergrad

I'd be surprised if people with mood disorders weren't the majority on 4chan desu. You'd have to be some kind of crazy to keep coming back here.
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>>7803055
You're not wrong, mostly at least. Since high school (26 now), I always placed well above average in everything but math, which was always average. However, now that I'm older, I realize that I actually enjoy math, and I wish I would've done calc and trig back in high school. I'm just starting trig and logs now, and I find it fascinating. The problem is that I am constantly fighting myself to get homework and shit done. It's like a wall of entropy that saps my will to do anything.

I hate it.
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>>7803088
You ever tried self Adderall?
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>>7803101
*You ever tried Adderall?
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>>7802775
Idiot

Depression isn't "baww, my life sux now I'm sad"
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>>7803101
Only meds I was ever on was when I was 14 or 15 and I was taken off of it because I gain like 20 pounds. Some tiny blue pill. Didn't do much besides that.
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>>7802669

No. Some of the greatest and most brilliant people in history have been mentally ill. Don't give up this easily.
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>>7802669
Bipolar student here, I too am scared whenever I have some cool idea that it's just a manic delusion (especially since my one manic episode was full of shit like that), but don't just dismiss everything like that. Just take a step or two back, do some research, try a few things, but not in an obsessive way, y' know. When I find myself thinking way in advance of cool papers I'm gonna write or making some amazing new software, without having really done anything yet, I can tell it's probably just shit. But instead you can still just read up on stuff in that (whatever) area, do some little experiments etc. Just watch out for getting grandiose.
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>>7802669
mental illness is not an "illness"
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ASD and PTSD. Including severe memory deficits from ~4 different sources. I hope to start graduate school this year. I'm fucking scared.
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Bipolar as well.

Sometimes shit works really well. Then depression starts. I try to fight against it with sports (martial arts), going out with friends but if the depression gets stronger I have no "energy" left to do my studies.

Studying physics. It worked really well but 5th semester was crazy due to my depression. Need to do the 5th again as it seems.
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>>7802854
>Le beautiful mind
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>>7804020
Classiest comment on here
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>>7804020
It's not an "illness", but it's a mental/personality disorder.
As in, perhaps there was a time when people with mental though patterns tied to ADHD, Schizophrenia, Affective Disorders (Bipolar, Deppresive) and Personality Disorders (Borderline, Schizoid etc.) live and be useful in some way to society, but now that we've gone into full science+engineering+bureaucracy mode in the west, a lot of them can't perform as well as people without such mental characteristics, so in order to still be able to find a job and/or something interesting to do in their lives they need the help of specialists educated in dealing with their problems and sometimes substances that let them function moderately like 'regular' people.
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>>7804073
could live*, fuck.
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Donno man ive used a lot of psychedelics and it cured me of almost all the mental illnesses. I realized it's all in my head, like the actual trip. Once you see them for what they are its quite easy to let go of them. So in that sense I would say they aren't actual illnesses
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>>7802854
so in reality you live in your mother's basement, watch "science" youtube videos all day and wank to anime, got it
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>>7804097
Can you describe your experiences with psychedelics?
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>>7804102
>>7804102
Sure, there are a bunch of stories, I've been using them for years. I'll tell you my first story, though, for reference.

The first time I did psychedelics was a few years ago. After some reading I decided on shrooms, because they were easier to procure, and because I had it in my mind that they were more 'natural'. I guess I was still aware of that gateway drugs thing, so I was kind scared totry anything 'stronger'.

I took 2-3 grams of dried shrooms on one weekend wheCont.knew that that I didn't have to do anything or be anywhere.

I didn't know what to expect. I have read the stories, but its completely different doing it yourself.

About half an hour in, I started feeling it. Like some presence rising deep in your chest. I started feeling good, some visual were beginning. It seemed like, you know when the sunlight was pouring through your window and you see that wavy blurry thing? It was kinda like that.

I had just started to enjoy it, when I started feeling bad. Well, anxious at the very least. That presence was overwhelming me. it was pulling at my ego, it was taking it away. I tried to hold on to it, but to no avail.

It was after some time that it was gone. I felt naked, alone, exposed, vulnerable to the whole world. Like I was made of the most fragile material, like I was going to break into millions of little pieces at any moment.

My ego was gone, it was my sword and my shield, since I could remeber. I was completely exposed, just me and my thoughts, nothing in-between.

It was then that something peculiar happened. It was all too much for me. So, Im guessing my mind try to deal with it somehow, to preserve itself. I 'realized' I was a psychopath. I kept muttering to myself 'I'm a psychopath, I shouldn't do drugs' over and over for quite some time. In retrospect, I believe because I didn't want to feel so vulnerable again, that I tried to stop my self from doing drugs in the future.

Cont
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>>7804102
>>7804145
After some time, it began subsiding. My mind was beginning to clear up. I felt good, the afterglow is amazing. I can't remember when was the last time my mind felt so clear.

Perhaps I only felt this good, when I was a small child. When I had no worries nor anxieties(prior to doing these drugs, I was terribly depressed, I wanted to commit suicide for quite a while).
Doing the growing up I guess all those worries kept piling up, and more and more of them came with no end in sight. I guess I was beginning to crack under the pressure.

But, now I felt reborn. A new man, a changed man. All of that was behind me, and there is a bright future ahead.

I can tell you now, that it was sacry. I thought it was too much, but in the end I managed. But once that whole trial was done, I felt better. Like I've been having a stomach poisoning for most of my life and I drank some disgusting cure that made me throw up all the poison in agony. But once the poison was gone, I felt so much better.

Would I recommend it as a some sort of cure? Maybe if you are willing to pay the price, just dont go doing something stupid. After that old cliche: If the cure tastes disgusting its how you know that it works.
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>>7804160
>>7804145

Fuck man, that sounds like exactly the thing I need. What do you recommend to do in order not to have a "bad" trip? What is a bad trip anyway?
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>>7802669
I'm a diagnosed psychotic. Took me 12 years to get through college because I was nuts. I'd get on the dean's list one semester, then get N/As on all my classes the next. You ever get a N/A? That's what they give you when you didn't do enough to earn an "F". They finally gave me a degree when I basically when into the head of my department's office and said, "Look, if you give me a degree I'll go away," and he nodded and gave me one.

I've been unemployed for about uh...what year is it? Shit, been almost ten years I guess. I was always good at my work, but I could never handle the people I worked with. Last job I had I ended up kicking a table over that my co-worker was eating at and screaming at him. They didn't care for that behavior.

I haven't been in therapy in a while, I don't know, I don't think there was much point to it. I used to take medication, but it didn't really help. I thought I was worse on the meds, looking back I think I acted really fucking goofy when I was taking them. All they do is make you feel numb mentally, plus there's huge side effects like no boners, high blood pressure, insomnia.

I'm actually working myself up to getting back into therapy, now that the gov'ment took pity on me and gave me medicaid, but I kinda know it won't help. Also, for the first time I'm seriously considering suicide, so that's a new development.

All in all, fun times.
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>>7804167
kek
what he described is exactly what a bad trip is, which he found helpful

protip: the ego is a figment of Freud's imagination
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>>7804174
What is a good trip then?
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>>7804178
the same intensity of feeling but good emotions
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>>7804180
Can any trip at all fuck you up mentally?
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>>7804167
I'll try to tell you everything concisely in here but you should read up on it for sometime before you actually do it.

A bad trip, is basically anxiety. You feel terrible and can't handle the feelings, imagiery, etc. It was my first time, but I've had had some terribly enjoyable trips all round.

There are a few things that can do to reduce the chance of that.

Start with a low dosage to get used a feel for the experience

Make sure you do it on a day when you know you don't have any worries for the next few days. Perhals it would be best when you're on vacation. Like don't do it before an exam or so.

Environment is very important. Make sure you are in a trusted environment. Somewhere where you feel comfortable and at ease. I did it in my room on my couch. Some people found it better when they are outside in nature or so.

Lots of people recommend a trip sitter. Some trusty friend, who is preferably not tripping. He can keep a watch over you and make sure you're okay.(it can also be terrible, if he doesn't know what he's doing)

Also what ever happens make sure to remeber that it's not real. It cause by the drugs and it will go away. And what ever you do don't resist the experience cause you will get a bad trip. For example: I was in a bad sitting position, and I started to feel terible. I kept being pushed to change my position. So I went on the ground. I sprawled like a cat and I felt wonderful after that for the whole trip
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You know how much genuinely crazy people hate listening to stoners, talking about how awesome the effects of drugs are, when that's basically what crazy people have to deal with 24/7?
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>>7804181
Can't tell you for sure. I always rebounded back after a bad trip. Mind is a terribly resistant thing and has a great power of self healing. Basically brain is plastic and can change and alter, like we know from neuroscience. I guess every brain is different and experiences may vary though.
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>>7804181
Maybe
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>>7804174
>protip: the ego is a figment of Freud's imagination

Call it what you will, it is real though. It's just produced by your brain probably. You might call it personality, sense of self, self-awareness. Are you trying to tell me those things don't exists Mr pseudo intellectual
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>>7804192
This guy is so ignorant that he doesn't even know what the ego, as a precise psychological term, means. But he uses it in a sentence to carelessly advocate dangerous experiences. Go back to /x/, there is nothing scientific about anything you've said. Your story is an anecdote, you making huge claims and your support is irrelevant or non existent.
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>>7804200
>>7804192

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fajfkO_X0l0
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>>7804200
Nigga, fuck your shit. I never claimed I'm a neuroscientist nor that I invented a cure for everything. I had a good experience with something. Anon wanted to know what that is, so I told him. The end. Youre the jackass that keeps spewing his bullshit pretending he knows stuff
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>>7804205
Let me break down you post
>Ad hominem
>Attack a strawman
>Anecdote
>Ad hominem
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>>7804211
>anecdote
Geeee I wonder what gave it away? Was it the fact that I said it was my personal story, Mr. Holmes?

>ad homined
You're not a wrong because you're a jackass, you're just a jackass. Lrn the difference pesudobrat
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>>7804217
the difference is that when I call you an idiot I've already supported that point
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>>7804221
That's not what ure mum said last night
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>>7804221
What is your point? Anon isn't claiming those things work for everyone, he's not advocating them. I asked about an experience that he had that was lifechanging for him, that's all there is to it.
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>>7804183
Could you describe the "bad" part of the trip as being similar to the feelings and sensations that can arise during a panic attack?
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>>7804238
Short answer: Yes.

Though I would say it's slightly physical(shaking, etc), and more mental(fear, etc.). That's just how I experience it though, and experiences vary. Sorry if I can't explain it quite properly.
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>>7804250
I think I get you, though. I've had panic/anxiety attacks that I would attempt to describe with words in a similar way that you describd your experience, but you know that you're not being very accurate and it's not easy to put it very well into words.

I have another inquiry for you. In terms of how you carried your daily life, what changed?
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>>7804256
>In terms of how you carried your daily life, what changed?

I am a lot happier in general. I am more optimistic. I started enjoying life. I took up some hobbies, such as trying to learn to play an instrument and I am still trying to learn it. I'm still not good, but I am perfectly okay with it though. I take it a step at a time.

I deal better with mistakes, and think of them as a learning experience, instead thinking about them as the end of the world. Before, I would get really angry at my self for not getting it right, etc. You know what they say, slow and steady wins the race.

I'm sure there are other other changes some which I can't remember now, some that are more subtle and I haven't noticed them.

It took me a few times to become this way, because I always tried to revert to that old anxious self. Bad habits are tough to break. Taking it seems like a hard reset on a PC, where you start anew with less programs, and start only those that are necessary.

Again, I would advise caution though. Most people that did it are fine, psychedelic are relatively safe both health wise, and mentally wise(unless you're suffering from schizophrenia, then dont do drugs mang). But, you never know. That's low and work your way up, if you're planning on it. And make sure you don't land with some research chemicals. Key word:preparation. Read up on it as much as you can.
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>>7804145
What the hell is "my ego"?
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>>7804181
Of course. Especially if you have a hidden predisposition towards some mental problem or other.
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>>7804281
Thanks a lot anon. Really appreciate it.
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>>7804336
Ask your parents
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>>7804345
You're welcome, anon. Best of luck to you
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>>7804336
On an arbitrary scale called Kurzweil scale, ego is measured as KU(Kurzweil Units), going from 0 all the way up to 1. Where 0 = no ego and 1= Kurzweil himself. Neil Degrasse Tyson, for example, is measured at 0.8 KU.
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>>7804181
There is no negative link between mental illnesses and psychedelic drugs: http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0063972
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>>7804097
>take ONE (1) tab of LSD
>receive no hallucinations
>receive no epiphanies
>notice over the next couple of days that I'm different
>notice that fourteen years of omnipresent intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation is *gone*
>notice that my serotonin levels seem to have been permanently balanced
>overall depression and suicidal urges go down from 100% of every waking conscious thought to 1% of every waking conscious thought
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>>7804440
>omnipresent intrusive thoughts

What are these?
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>>7804445
Intrusive thoughts all the time. Same with the suicidal ideation. I could have structured that a little better. Couldn't turn my brain off or have a second of peace.
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