this story of mine (english is not indiom chosen, please forgive me).
>Be then about 17 years old. >friends and family annouce me as 'Fat Bastard'. >I don't apreciate that nickname. However, for sharts and gargles I laugh too, all the times. >Jokes evolve and become more damaging to me. "He is unnatractive because of eexagerated proportions". "He cannot stroke his own penis". "He is a truck loaded with shit and failed dreams". >continue to laugh with them, being a beta version male that i be. >new years eve. >some maiden in our home made turkey. a bird we eat here. >because of various foods, the people at my lair didn't eight the totality of the bird. >the folowing morning, some mayonnaise was trown in the turkey. >friends and family joke that I, being the Fat Bastard that I am, Had Sex with the turkey, and thus, the mayonnaise was evidence that I had ejaculated strongly. >I, once again, jester "It was not me. She was not even my type". >audience laughs. >contemplate self termination at a later hour.
>>4058115 I felt love. For a few seconds, I felt love, but then it transformed into fear. I'm having/had an anxiety attack. I know your intention is loving. I want to love you and be loved by you. Will it happen some day? You're so nice and your words to me are always kind, even though I'm not a good person at all.
>>4058138 Yuji it's like... I can love whoever I want to, but I don't except anything in return. You've opened your mind to us and I've seen what's really in there. And I sympathize. This is [s4s], and you're like a fun little aspect of this board that makes me enjoy it more. You may not think you're a good person, but honestly, neither am I. All I can do is try to take things one moment at a time and do something positive instead of negative.
>>4058236 When I talk to you, I don't feel like I'm pretending. I think it's because I believe that you understand me. I feel like I have a strengthened sense of identity, even if only temporarily. Even though you're far away, it makes me feel like I have something to relate to. I no longer feel like I'm alone inside my mind.
>>4058268 I try to give you what I lack so much in my own life. I don't even know you, and will probably never meet you, but I feel like every situation I'm put into or find myself in is just a test and I've failed so many of them. I don't want to fail you too Yuji.
>>4058312 You sound like you're putting yourself through a lot of trouble for no reason. Do you feel guilty for something? I don't know anything about life's tests (which, I, too, have failed, very horribly, too), but you can't fail me, because I'm not in a position to judge you. Why would I even want to? You're the nicest person I've ever met on the Internet. You're obviously a much better person than I am. So, why do you talk like this? It makes no sense. At least you can feel guilt. All I can do is beg for forgiveness. I can't even cry. I'm completely lost.
>>4058415 I can't expect you to understand me, as I seem to be further down the path than you are. I've been through things you can't understand yet. Maybe one day you'll come to the same conclusions I have, I can't say for sure.
Guilt doesn't motivate me, and I can assure you I'm not speaking in riddles. I can tell you from my perspective that it's far too easy for me to cry now, and I wasn't always like this. Life has things in store for you that you can't possibly imagine. I too used to wonder what it was all about. Now I know. Unfortunately inherent in this understanding is that my answer can't be the same as yours. It never is.
Honestly, I think you're a fascinating person, whoever you are, and I rarely get to interact with people that are genuinely interesting. There's a vaguely selfish nature to what I'm doing but honestly there is to most human actions. My hope is that there is some value to this for you as well.
>>4058448 >I can't expect you to understand me, as I seem to be further down the path than you are. I've been through things you can't understand yet. Maybe one day you'll come to the same conclusions I have, I can't say for sure. But I can expect you to understand me when I say that I never want to come to those kind of conclusions, right? Especially because I'm very naive and my "conclusions" are really delusions which easily influence my mind in bad ways, so imagine being delusional about something really important. Simply reading your post was enough to give me an anxiety attack. I hope everything will turn out to be fine for you even though I am not in a position to decide it or control it. As you said, I can't understand you, but you said you understand what life is about. Then, can you use that information to your advantage? As a guide? To break free from that which is destroying you?
>>4058540 >But I can expect you to understand me when I say that I never want to come to those kind of conclusions, right? Of course, I never wanted to come to these conclusions either.
>can you use that information to your advantage? As a guide? To break free from that which is destroying you? I don't want to give you false hope so i'll just say... Sometimes. On rare occasions. For the most part you're stuck in a loop of inevitability. It caused my friend and I to come up with a theory of "escaping infinity," which basically means escaping the endless cycle of life and death, and all that exists. It was pointed out to us that conceptually you can't "escape infinity" because infinity is technically everything that exists, so nothing can exist outside of infinity, but they just didn't get it. Anyway, it turns out that this is basically what the basis of Hinduism is. I think they're on to something, but that whole caste system is a little silly, no?
>>4058561 Getting more anxiety attacks; it feels like this is a subject I don't know if I should even talk about or not... but since you replied to me and all... no, I don't think you can escape "infinity", whatever you think it is. But I think what's comforting is that you are not "infinity" or whatever you call it. You can only ever see the universe from your own point of view (and that is something you really cannot escape; I've come that conclusion as well; it suddenly manifested as a conscious structure), no matter how much you have seen (clearly too much in your case). But it is not everything. It is never everything. Otherwise, you would know that I'm replying to you and see everything I'm doing right now. That means there exist things not even you know exist. So, "escaping infinity" makes no sense, but I agree that it is possible to know too much; perhaps you just want to forget awful things you have experienced. But, if you cannot forget them, did you learn something? I mean, maybe that knowledge is there for you for a reason. Can you stop and think, "How does this knowledge benefit me?"?
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>>4058623 The escaping infinity thing is hard to get anyone else to understand so I'll let it be.
Obviously I don't know everything. I've accumulated enough experience and knowledge in my time on this planet to have what I consider to be a solid enough understanding of what's going on here, while at the same time accepting that there are things I'll never understand or even perceive within my lifetime. It's hard to confirm a lot of theories about reality.
Anyway, I don't know everything, but I understand a lot things because of how my perception has been molded throughout this life. I try to have an open mind. It's not that I want to forget about awful things, but my mind is not equipped to think about awful things all the time. I want something positive coming in instead of just dwelling on some awful event that I had no control over, or did have some control over and made a terrible decision. I lie awake at night sometimes and can't sleep for hours because my brain just starts going through these intense and horrible things I've been through. I don't like thinking about these things but in the context of "how does this knowledge benefit me" it makes sense. The only way you can prevent yourself from repeating previous mistakes is to try to understand the entire circumstance behind that mistake. For me at least. And even though I've learned a lot from a lot of mistakes, I'm still making some pretty basic ones that I can't really figure my way out of at the moment.
I just realized I actually find solace in the fact that a lot of life is uncontrollable. You can spend all the time in the world trying to figure things out and life will just go on as it was supposed to anyway. You've spoken of taken LSD in the past, and for me that was the thing that helped me come to terms with the inevitable flow of reality and just going with it as opposed to trying to control it.
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