Went back to the doctor today got more meds thats okay
How is everyone holding up tonight?
About to take my nightly dose of klonapin, th3n shitpost on here till I black out, last night was drunk and depressed thought about just being dead decided not to gonna eat some doritos instead
oh boy hows that going for you
Same, i have about 20 minutes worth of homework ive put off ofr two days
hope you feel better tonight anon, how does klonapin intteractt with alcohol
Got a bad grade on an English essay I really thought I nailed, turns out I completely missed the prompt in my instructors eyes. Got a perfect score on fluency but terrible scores on every other category.
Got a philosophy paper back today that I only spent 20 minutes on and got a nearly perfect score. Go figure.
Also pretty sure I failed a math test today, feels pretty bad cause I should've gone to the study session on valentines day but social anxiety.
I did, anon. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. Then I fucked it up.
Not well. Makes me miserable.
If she didn't live 6 hours away in Austin, I would do the latter.
Does anyone else ever feel like the hardest thing to do in the day is get out of bed? Like, if I can get out of bed then I can fake my way through the day with a smile but getting that initial motivation to start a new day is so hard, I've spent days just sitting in bed listening to music, not eating or talking to anyone.
Another day of just fucking around, waiting for a call. It's been two months since I graduated college and I'm 0/2 with job interviews. I applied to several state agencies so hopefully something happens with that.
Never had a gf and have zero friends. My career was the only path to achieving something that resembles a "normal" life. And now that seems to be falling through. Maybe two months isn't that long, but it feels like an eternity.
I must have missed that day
For me? Nah, but if you're eating eat like pecans. I want pecans really bad
One more semester just gotta hold out
Wellburin and buspar
Happened to me once too, 26 page paper turned into a C. Thats kinda when i broke.
Sorry about your math test anon
Good luck anon, you can do it
Wanna talk about it?
Its getting harder and harder for me. I only really do it now cus i have to pee in the morning
Don'tt give up yet anon, two months is practically nothing, but i agree it can feel like forever
Thought this girl was into me but she dropped the boyfriend bomb today. Now im drinking alone watching death note. What the fuck happened to my life.
Last time I was in these threads I was considering suicide. I'm now somewhat happy, I even got laid yesterday for the first time. Shit was cash. Hang in there bros, we'll make it.
Agreed. Every now and then I just can't find the motivation to face the world and just stay in bed all day. It fucks me in the long term but at the time, they are my favourite days
>have a paper due Wednesday
>have a rough draft done but have done barely any of the stuff assigned with it
>keep putting it off, even though I have work tomorrow so less time to work on it
>just watching anime and playing vidya
College isn't even hard, I just have absolutely no motivation to do any of this bullshit and I have no idea what I want to do as a career either
Anybody going to a big school with any insight? I'm going to a community college and it's utter shit, I'm thinking maybe if I go to an actual college things would get better
>what exactly changed for you?
I couldn't get it up for the life of me and had to face the fact I had porn problem. My anxiety and depression must have stemmed from my imbalanced brain because a month off porn and some brain supplements and I'm pretty alright.
Not working part time at the moment. I've never really held a real job. Done temp work in the past, but I was expecting at least one of those interviews to work out. I kind of feel like a rug has been pulled out from underneath me.
My degree is in Actuarial Science.
Its not much better desu, stick with CC till you can transfer to a larger college and only spend like a year or so there
Hey nice job. What was the extent of your problem if you dont mind me asking? Also what brain suppliments
Stemfag here. Unless you settle on something specific, the general education will probably be the same. It seems like no matter what you study, most of it will be a waste of time.
checking in again
i've given up on actual antidepressants, but i got my ativan renewed so i'm feeling a little better than usual
gonna take an extra class during the second half of this semester
That's the plan
I don't even care, as long as I'm somewhere where it would be possible to make friends. I figured living in a dorm/on a campus would make it easier, going to a commuter campus is awful, everyone just looks at their phones and leaves as soon as classes are over. No time to even attempt socializing, not that I'm any good at it anyways
Have any of you been so depressed, for so long, that you feel as though you're floating through a plane where only an abstract agony pervades your being, and is the essence of all things? It makes for a very strange, disconnected, yet ever present type of existence. I don't like it here, and I'm going to move on from this place. I have died once before, and there was only nothingness in that place. Yet here, in this reality, there are all things - boundless avenues, which I shall now explore. I am fortunate enough to have at my disposal, the things which most consider to be the tools of the good life. And my time to build, has come. I hope you all find some measure of peace in your lives, and wish the same unto myself - I will certainly need it.
Sometimes I do normie shit bc Chad/Stacey friends ex: binge drink, smoke blunts, listen to shitty trap music etc. But I just can't shake this gay feeling of lonlieness. I threw a party at my house for my birthday a few days ago and people were hooking up and dry humping all over the place, I had a great time and all but I felt shitty and alone the next day when everyone left. I know dating the roasties in my social circle will only bring sadness.
I've resorted to talking to some chick I met here on kik, she's really hot but I think she might be schizoid or something. She's probably a dude irl but I'd rather just play along.
>What was the extent of your problem
Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction because of 10 years of masturbation (sometimes 3 times a day) and developing a shitload of unhealthy fetishes.
>what brain suppliments
I did some research and really liked what I read about Citicoline so I bought the first supplement (pic related) in the nearest store that had it.
Just spent 10 hours writing a research proposal for my doctorate application. Pretty sure I fucked it up by not being specific enough, but I really wanted to have it over with. I'll be lucky if I get in. If I don't, I'm basically fucked because this was my only remaining plan for my future.
Only had one suicidal thought today, which I guess is an improvement. Ran out of anti-anxiety meds weeks ago, should probably go to the shrink and ask for the strongest shit she has, but I don't want to admit to anyone that I've had suicidal thoughts.
At least you fucking niggers have access to a doctor.
I don't know what to do man. I'm fucked. I can't hold a job. I can't break the news to my parents again. I just can't. Dropped Uni twice. Drug binges. Alcohol binges. Failed suicide (off the books, tried to knock myself out by drinking on train tracks, awoke to someone dragging my body and I threatened him off but I just slept on the sidewalk).
Medicaid is what I have, but where I live no one takes it. Moved to a new state going to try to use previous state medicaid for help. God I have no patience for all this shit and have trouble expressing it.
Prescribed geodon, latuda, klonopin, some other crap, worst part is if you get impatient with the bureaucracy you get ignored. I literally was told 3 days for a prescription, just wait. Waited 2 weeks, called insurance and doctors daily, dial tones, redirects to dial tone, went on another drug binge. Its a system designed to fuck you over.
What do I even do man. Diagnosed bipolar but I don't use it as an excuse to not succeed I know its my problem and my problem alone, I'm just lost.
>tfw need to take another break from school until you feel well again
I can't concentrate long enough for it not to hurt my grades. I'm in so much shit, going to hell in a handbasket. I just want to get well, I need some help but I'm not worth it.
Without going into the specifics, my proposal is basically focusing a specific chapter of the TPP and making a case for why it's not a bad thing and why more agreements like the TPP should be drafted in the future.
I've basically sold my soul to Satan at this point, so I might as well go all in. Honestly, I just want to get a job in the government, but none of the agencies I want to apply to are hiring someone like me right now.
I have no idea desu, the system works against you in the US
How much school do you have left?
> I just want to get a job in the government
Good luck with your project.
>Actually tried asking someone out
>Never gave her the chance to respond
>Vomited up everything in my gut
I wish I could help you man.
Only thing I can tell you, and this is from my own experience, is that the drinking makes everything fucking worse. Got drunk as shit all weekend, including sunday. Went to work on monday and felt like I was having minor withdrawals. Anxiety so crippling that I thought I was gonna pass out, all the while I have to put on this face like i'm doing fine.
Went for a run today and I feel much better. Hang in there anon.
>listen to new kanye album
>get inspired to make some great music
>1.5 hours later I'm praying for death
>2 projects due tomorrow I just straight up didn't do
>drank too much coffee today, no sleep
how do you follow through with things? its not just with art, there's always things that I really want to do but I just can't stick to it
i missed the last week of school thanks to side effects from meds. i have no future and no hope. everything i write is shit. i am a lovecraftian abomination that causes vomiting when looked at without the veil of makeup. there really is no hope. it's best to give up now. the meds will stop working. everyone will abandon you. it is a matter of time. everyone hates me deep down, i can feel it. every\day is hell, it will always be.
t. the anon that needs o stay this way to pass uni.
i hope this doesn't apply to you skelly. i really want you to make it.
>tfw no energy to put into courses
>making excuses to skip classes
>losing interest in hobbies
>want to kill self
this happens literally halfway through every semester desu
sorry for burdening you with our problems skelly
I know there will never be relief from this sadness. No matter what habits I form, what I accomplish, or how connected I am to people or a person, I will be sad. It is just my natural state. I can be lifted of it for short times through vidya and friends(acquaintances), but it's still there whenever I am alone.
Sorry for the edge.
>how do you follow through with things?
I have no idea
I want you to make it too friend. And I don't hate you. Theres hope still.
How'd that happen/
No burden friend. I too have kinda given up for thte semester. Last one, C's get degrees
Hm, how long have you elt this way?
Thats pretty rad anon, jealous
Today was my 45th day in a row of work. Getting tipsy since I don't have to be into work till 2 tomorrow. Distracting myself from everything else in my shitty life by throwing myself into work.
Also, Valentine's Day sucks when you're single. But I've been single all my life anyway.
i only have one more increase before i try new meds. there are working though.i've gone to one class this semester. i think i'm gonna give up on life from here. there is no hope skelly. when you look at horse pills daily, yet they do minimal things, there is n hope there.
also, take out the first B in the code to find where i trip!
It would be dope to just kick back over some pork knuckle sandwiches and knock over a few foamy ales. Chatting about growing up climbing mountains and the old days, but politely ignoring 1933-1945
Its not a great place but its what we have
Justt two more years. I think you can do it anon
Its the worst, it really is
Holy shit why so many days in a row
Gotcha anon. And there is hope still. Its hard, butt possible. What are you on right now?
I've been generally sad for as long as I can remember. There was never a time outside of childhood I did not feel this way.
It's probably only been a few months though that I've felt that I could not fix it.
>want to make the first step
>just go lie down and want to sleep instead
just got my hands on some liquor
so I'm about to be a whole lot sadder
maybe I'll get sad enough I could actually cut myself again
I miss it
I feel awful tonight, skelbro
I feel real fucking awful and I wish I was dead
>First semester of university
>Small liberal arts school filled with genuine marxists
>Roomate is a literal fucking redditor. We keep to ourselves but it's still a pain in the ass to share a room with him
>Entire family is fucked up physically or mentally so I know that while I live away from home at least someone is either going to die or have a breakdown
>First couple months go great. I get set up with the chairman of the chemistry department to do research with him
>Suddenly remember that schools are fucking gay and make you take a thousand different useless general studies courses
>I'm a pariah in every non-STEM class to both the students and professors because I refuse to support marxism and I dare to speak well of Trump.
>Just shut down and stop attending all classes because I'm so anxious as both a sociopolitical outcast and an autist who just wants to tinker with chemicals instead of being forced to write essays I don't believe in on the virtues of progressivism
>Eventually just become too depressed and stop getting up and attending classes.
>Still research with chemistry guy but I know he and everyone else knows damn well what's happening with me.
>I also stop eating and bathing often. I just stay in my dorm room bed in my dirty underwear either shitposting on some random site or watching youtube videos on chemistry in order to satisfy my autistic need for science education.
>Plebbitor room mate begins to notice behavioral changes.
>Spies on me out of the corner of his eye thinking I can't tell.
>Parents find out at end of semester
>They don't even act surprised, so they probably expected me to fuck up
>Take leave of absence this semester, will return this fall
>Probably pissed off chemistry guy by walking away from the work we were doing with ALL OF THE FUCKING RESEARCH NOTES without contacting him at all.
>Which would mean even my academic reputation in STEM has been sullied by my actions most likely even when I do go back
>Am now sad NEET.
>he thinks people other than 20 year old college stoners care about his candidate
>he doesn't know what super delegates are
Congratulations on making colleges a preschool for adults
>stalking ex gf
>she was the best thing that ever happened to me
>I fucked it up
how did you fuck it up? if she was the best thing to happen and you can't get over it to the point you're stalking why didn't you just not fuck it up?
Have you gotten any professional help for it?
Whats your first step anon?
How often do you drink?
Ah, i'm on wellbutrin myself
Have you seen her sense?
thats a good bernie gif
Dropped all of my CC classes because I'm a neurotic depressed POS. Parents think I'm still going, have to drive off to some place and read books, sit to pass time for seven hours 4 days a week. I hate how sketchy it looks, like I'm doing something wrong for existing. I hate driving, I'm scared I'm going to hit someone and can't go on the freeway without getting a panic attack. Insane binges for the last two weeks, destroyed all the progress I made several times over. Every job interview I've had ends up in me stuttering and sounding like a bumbling idiot who speaks in bursts of a couple seconds then awkward silence with an emotionless face that looks like I'm a bad guy when really I'm trying to communicate. I'm unemployable, I live in a town where everyone leaves the city to make money and kids go straight to university so they can end up making good money. The community college here is a desperate hell like a cardboard box with doors attached to it. I'm an unemployable moron who can't even communicate with people properly even though I think and type coherently. It's like living with duct tape around your mouth and only being able to mumble. Fuck. My. Life. I'm a bad, harmless person. I'm bad because I'm living off my parents giving them hope that I'm trying to be someone some day when really I'm a little push away from walking into the forest and disappearing forever. That's how I'd like to die, walking into nature and offing myself. I love my family too much for that though, or maybe I'm too depressed to fucking kill myself.
I got news for y'all--depression once yu're out in the working world is WAY worse than depression in school. School starts over every year/semester, but with a job, you don't get a restart button.
However much you hate life now, wait until you're a real "grownup"
Hey, I still wipe properly, just didn't bathe. My sack smelled more than anything. I've at least corrected that at least since submitting to temporary NEETdom.
it's not about me, though. It's my family. They struggle enough financially in the current economic climate without having to pay a ridiculous amount of taxes to Comrade Sanders for being just a little too well off to be considered poor.
Still not paying for your college your swede fetishist.
You need to tell your parents anon, and then you need professional help asap. And you aren't a bad person, jesus christ you are not a bad person. None of this makes you a bad person.
I'm much unhappier when i'm in school, I enjoy working, keeps my mind off things.
I realized today that my persistent sense of detachment makes focusing on work and connecting with potential friends extremely difficult.
I feel that what I need most is an intimate relationship without boundaries, and that I could carry one on fairly well, but I'm unable to reach two out of three girls I know, and the third would make an unsuitable partner.
These and other circumstances, coupled with deep self-loathing, cause a constant craving for release which won't be satisfied by any means in the foreseeable future. I have hopes beyond the horizon, but pining for them has become unbearably painful.
My room is hot.
my favorite bernie pic is pic related, only because of the filename
Get a shrink. Tell your parents your mind is all sorts of screwed up right now thanks to the depression and other problems you've listed and that you need a good shrink to piece your capabilities back together. Good shrinks are a gosend.
took the words right out of my mouth. There's not a soul in the world who really gets me. They don't get my opinions, my worldview, the reasons for why I'm a depressive, shut-in failure on more days than not. I think it may actually just be impossible for normies to comprehend us just as we can't truly comprehend normies.
Have another LOTGH Trump anon.
why did all the high school teachers say college would be so hard
I thought everything would be as miserable as AP US History like they said it would
but it isn't
in other news, I've got an 80% winrate on dota today
>Take one tablet by mouth every 4-6 hours as needed for pain.
>Still never feel any better.
Why can't I jdimsa by will alone.
College is more stressful for me but its easier than HS. Granted i went to an upper class cat lick school so my view might be tilted
also good jawb
Were you injured anon?
>How often do you drink?
just about every night of the week when I can
I haven't been drinking lately because I've been in legal trouble over it, but fuck it
I can't give a shit when I just wish I could gather the guts to end it all
I tried to get into LOTGH and I just couldn't
I got like 4 or 5 episodes in and kinda stopped, the battle scenes just weren't very exciting
How does it get later on?
Have big math exam tomorrow, underestimated the workload I need to pass. Probably going to fuck up this one. Seemingly bombed my electronics exam again recently and thinking about changing majors, but admitting that I am too stupid for this major is a bitter pill to swallow, STEM is all I am good for. Money is running dry so I have to step into wagecuckery soon, which will take me for a real ride probably, considering I already struggle to get up before 11a.m. in the mornings and only can start working at 3p.m.. Things are pretty bad in general, despite everything going wrong my studies are probably the only thing I still like about my life, everything else is just fucked. No friends, no money, obviously no gf and everyone breathing down my neck from parents to teachers.
It really seems like university is strongly correlated with depression if you look at this thread. Why does everyone say it is the best time of ones life?
It gets much more interesting after the first 10-15 episodes I'd say. I got bored when I first started it, but I realized that that's only because it begins at a very slow pace. It's a politically and philosophically minded space opera war epic. It's only natural. The battles become much more exciting and dynamic as well. The first few battles in the series are kinda shit-tier desu.
How bad does it affect you on average
Is there other fields of STEM you would fit better in?
And people think its the best time of their lives because their life literally plateau'd in college.
Wew lad still working on my project kill me
These pictures crack me up.
I figured, I felt the same way with Cowboy Bebop and Berserk, the first episode or two was pretty weird but the rest was great, I'll end up watching the rest of it later then, pretty busy with school now
I got a bunch more anime related trump hat pics if you want any
>Why can't you reach out to them?
One lives in another town; I lack a driver's license. She also has another suitor.
The other resides in an academic league and within a social network I forfeited access to years ago. I can't recall the last time I spoke to her, but I fear I made a negative impression overall when we saw eachother daily a couple years ago. She was a crush before and an ideal now and I'm afraid either to approach her directly or worm my way into her social stratosphere. I believe I'd do better now but I have no pretext and I'm deathly afraid she'll slip away if I don't move eventually. I don't even know if she's in some sort arrangement herself -- monogamous, polyamorous, lesbian, whatever the fuck.
Besides this, the third girl, plain, who has shown faithful devotion to me for years, would be hurt. I sound like a monster, but my deepest desire is to restore the relationship with the second girl which ought to have been and which would have been if I were a better person to begin with. I think it would for best, even for her.
I'd say more but it's difficult and I need to fucking sleep. I wish you lads the best.
I'm good man, tempted to buy one of these hats even though i think he's a goofball.
>25 dollars in official store
off to amazon i go
Goodnight anon, hope things go well for you.
I do think that there are other fields I can fit into, but it would require admitting failure and starting over again. Maybe it is the only choice I have though.
I think I will run through this exam period as well as I can and if things look really terrible I will change somewhere else.
Maybe even go to a counsellor, if I can defeat my autism that is.
will do after the first guys
posting with the robot is a pain for pic dumping
I actually had the pic before so I deleted the extra, anyways gotta reply because I can't just dump
think I'll watch another episode of Evangelion before I go to bed
I just started the berserk manga and he fights a snek in it
he killed it with a rocket launcher on his hand though
I finally am getting over the splitting up with my bf and losing every friend I had because of that, now I'm back to my silent lonely self doing nothing and never leaving the house. Just gotta keep taking the happy pills.
My dad is studying in Toronto for a master's degree. He's been back home for a couple of days now and is leaving Friday. I think it would be good for me to go back with him for six weeks. I could live with my aunt and uncle and in exchange I'd help around the house and whatnot. I think it would be a good challenge and may help me. This is also the first time I've felt genuinely excited in months.
I've lost my edge and I'm succumbing to my feelings again.
I just sort of didn't feel anything at all awhile ago and it felt nice, but now anything and everything just crushes me under it.
I'm not sure how much longer I can last.
So far into the void I started thinking about doing things that make me happy the other day, and then had a panic attack from it.
Too fucking apathetic to commit suicide even though that would be a completely desirable rout at this point.