Please critique my poem
My feelings have geometric folds....
Feelings with geometric qualities.....
They can be measured by a tiny ruler...
But the ones who measure, whether nephilim or some strange forgotten god, they cannot hold the ruler...
Thus, they cannot know my feelings....
My soul, trembles as dewy tentacles sprout.....the sound like a tree snapping itself in half.....
The sprouts reach in all directions.
Screaming to be known,
Screaming to be acknowledged,
Screaming to be measured.
A mass of spinning and odd shaped geometry.....I hold an uneven number of sides, in my time we called it a heart.
The spinning mass, with it's reaching tentacles, take hold of the first ledge it comes across.
Pulling itself onto a platform that surely must contain it's true shape.
But, there is no true shape.
Only the mother waits on the platform,
a distant membrane that feeds on it's young... It convulses and erupts, spilling digestive juices, a tidal wave of acid over takes the platform....
My geometrically incorrect mass, does not witness the event. The tentacles lack strenght to raise itself onto the platform and mourn in confusion....
My feelings in geometric folds, measured by peculiar rulers unknown to children of angels, long dead gods or actual humans.
I hated this trite poem so much i tried to rewrite it for you
I hold an uneven number of sides,
Tiny geometric folds
By any known hands.
I tremble as
My torso splits
Like a rigid tree
Cracked open in the wind.
Insides reaching out
For higher ground
To witness a mother
Consume her own young.
But my digestive system
And tired of my whiney
Basically don't overcomplicate things to seem deeper than you are, it's alienating, pretentious and nauseating to read through. It's also a lot more interesting to write about WHY you feel shitty in some sense because then people can try and connect with the work. Going all MUH FEEEELINGS is just nauseating unless you really have a way with words.
The syllabic patterns are horrible.
This reads a bit better, but it's *too* terse in places, it resembles haiku crap too much.
>tfw no one writes solid, rhyming poetry with discernible rhythm anymore
Everything is just this lazy rhymeless random shit.
>The syllabic patterns are horrible.
>Screaming to be known,
>Screaming to be acknowledged,
>Screaming to be measured.
really should have been -, ---, - (e.g., nonsensically, 'known, acknowledged, done').
>The spinning mass, with it's reaching tentacles
should have been - - --- -
e.g. 'with its oe'rreaching sprouts'.
I don't know how I know, but I know.
Here, let me quickly fix >>26362087's fix so it reads well as well. Again, it will be nonsensical, this is purely with the rhythmic respect.
I hold a stuff that is uneven
for tiny metric fold.
The Earth redone for measurable,
'n' hands can't tell are told.
I tremble as my torso sagging
the rigid trees are split.
The inside reaching out of fetter
the ground unmoving hit.
And desperation had no witness
of young consumed by shit.
It's fun to 'violating' the no announcing sages rule while being aware that I'm probably one of the very few people to still use (and always have) sage properly, namely to keep a thread from bumping with an irrelevant post.