Please critique my poem My feelings have geometric folds....

underagedb&/5

>>26360815
>muh feelings-
Stopped reading there.

highschooledge/10
underageb&/10

eat my cum

File: a.gif (1000KB, 500x300px) Image search: [Google]

1000KB, 500x300px

>>26360815
>fairy tale

I hated this trite poem so much i tried to rewrite it for you

I hold an uneven number of sides,
Tiny geometric folds
Supposedly immeasurable
By any known hands.
I tremble as
My torso splits
Like a rigid tree
Cracked open in the wind.
Insides reaching out
For higher ground
With desperation
To witness a mother
Consume her own young.

But my digestive system
Is weak
And tired of my whiney
Childish bullshit.

Basically don't overcomplicate things to seem deeper than you are, it's alienating, pretentious and nauseating to read through. It's also a lot more interesting to write about WHY you feel shitty in some sense because then people can try and connect with the work. Going all MUH FEEEELINGS is just nauseating unless you really have a way with words.

>>26360815
I can't even fucking finish reading it tbqh familia

>>26360815
The syllabic patterns are horrible.

>>26362087
This reads a bit better, but it's *too* terse in places, it resembles haiku crap too much.


>tfw no one writes solid, rhyming poetry with discernible rhythm anymore

Everything is just this lazy rhymeless random shit.

>>26362164
>The syllabic patterns are horrible.

For instance:

>>26360815
>Screaming to be known,
>Screaming to be acknowledged,
>Screaming to be measured.

really should have been -, ---, - (e.g., nonsensically, 'known, acknowledged, done').

Or

>The spinning mass, with it's reaching tentacles

should have been - - --- -

e.g. 'with its oe'rreaching sprouts'.


I don't know how I know, but I know.

>>26362199
>oe'rreaching
*o'erreaching

>>26362199
>
Well I know you're wong.

>>26362209
I'm not.

Here, let me quickly fix >>26362087's fix so it reads well as well. Again, it will be nonsensical, this is purely with the rhythmic respect.

I hold a stuff that is uneven
for tiny metric fold.
The Earth redone for measurable,
'n' hands can't tell are told.
I tremble as my torso sagging
the rigid trees are split.
The inside reaching out of fetter
the ground unmoving hit.
And desperation had no witness
of young consumed by shit.

>>26362325
(It's not perfect yet, but at least it's balanced. Sage.)

>>26362347
Is it your goal in life to be banned?

>>26362362
It's fun to 'violating' the no announcing sages rule while being aware that I'm probably one of the very few people to still use (and always have) sage properly, namely to keep a thread from bumping with an irrelevant post.

>>26362374
(That said, I've never been banned or warned for it, and I've done it hundreds of times. Sage.)

>>26362392
Now you're just begging to be banned. Good luck cuck.

>>26362410
Mods are not retards.

Or is that post a violation of >>>rules/global/8?