wholeheartedly expecting a whole lot of "HAHA NO" sorta responses, but I am genuinely interested here - talk..
OP: I'm really tired too, but all of my friends are loveable stoners with the same stupid sense(s) of humour that I possess, so I'm relatively content hanging out with them eating junk food while my friends grandpa abuses us intermittently.. Tomorrow may be a different story though. Also your depression could be directly related to your obligation to work. That's shitty.
I'm at the point where my lack of happiness makes me happy. I can't help but to smile on how meaningless life is, but I get to look forward to a first person account of how it feels to go insane which is pretty exciting.
I was happy once, but that time is gone from me now that I have run into various mental disorders. I'm a different person now from that previous at-least-not-depressed version of me, unfortunately.
OP: Who here self-medicates frequently in light of their debilitations?
Honestly, I don't much anymore. I've accepted my fate and don't seek to exacerbate my depression/anxiety/hppd etc. any further..
I can't be sure but it feels like most of humanity lives a pretty content life, there are a few exceptions but most people aren't sad or happy for most of their day. It might just be me though, I'd rather feel nothing than contemplate my relatively shit life and be sad.
I was a lonely NEET from 2009 or 2010 up until summer 2015.
Than I finally got a job and became happy because I could socialize, become physically exhausted and had just stuff to do besides sitting in front of my pc for ~16 hours a day.
I was genuinely happy for the past few months.
Though the feeling of happiness got weaker and weaker and I actually feel like shit right now because I've realized that my job (where I can socialize a lot) doesn't substitute for an actual social life and I still feel lonely.
I also finally acknowledged that I don't have the balls to move my love life forward because the girl I fancied for the past few months finally got a new girlfriend.
I don't know if I would have had a chance with her or not but I was too scared to find out either way.
Still, it was nice to be happy for a few months. I almost forgot how it felt.
Sometimes i feel genuinely at bliss. But for the most part im anxious.
I have a good job as a carpenter, house with my girlfriend since 7 years, i dont look too shabby and outward i have kind of a chad-personality.
In reality though, im very insecure and incredibly anxious
This yearning for "the future" seems to be keeping me going.
The irrational and totally baseless assumption that at some point "it will get better."
So basically, curiosity is what's keeping me here. I want to see what's gonna happen next. I want to reach something that could possibly resemble a goal or something I might want or enjoy.
If I was totally lost in depression and sadness I wouldn't be able to function. I'm barely scraping by, but I'm scraping by. So I guess that counts for something.
It comes or goes. Life is changing, but its hard. So the hard days make me more depressed than I was, but the days where results shows make me have a happiness I didn't see for 2 and a half years.
But seriously I think I need help.
The height of my existence is posting about how sad I am on here.
My highest goal in life is to become a cute boy so I can get attention and validation from people.
I used to drink and smoke weed and get high on cough syrup but I finally pulled myself out of that hole and I've been more or less sober for the past year. It's really, really fucking hard though, and I am still recovering. It's going to take a long time for my brain to recover from all the shit I did. I don't really know anything about neuroscience, though, so I'm kind of in the dark as to what can actually be expected as far as recovery of brain cells is concerned.
i read a lot and i'm a crazy person
i'm constantly miserable. my body is falling apart. i'm paranoid. i look at the world and all i see is a world bleeding, gutting itself. my sex drive is going haywire. i think i just barely dodged a total psychotic break from reality, or i fell into it and now every fiber of my being is invested in breaking myself out. and i stop and think to myself, i'm ahead of the curve. i am so FUCKING trendy. normalfags don't have shit on me. every new perspective is an exciting new opportunity to obliterate the weak defeatist mentality that has kept me shackled my entire life. to me the drudgery of applying myself to a task brings with it an exquisite suffering unlike anything my antecedents ever had to face. and i'm never alone, never without guidance.