Hi guys. Hope you don't mind my normie blog than I copy and pasted from reddit because I was getting spammed with downvotes.
(For reference I'm 19 is two weeks)
tl;dr eldritch mental entities that I know are fake but still cannot banish keep engaging in mental battles and forcing me to do humiliating or immoral acts while threatening to take away intelligence if I don't obey
edit: Come on guys, please don't downvote this. I know this sounds extremely bizarre and very weird, but this is all true and this has practically wrecked my life.
I know this is very long but after hitting the world limit in a previous attempt, I've faintly tried to make this the slightest bit interesting.
(I should say this post does get pretty cringe worthy as some of it is about the bizarre introspections of an extremely arrogant young teen)
I have no idea what's wrong with me.
My mind is not completely in my control.
I suffer from strange compulsions that started of like OCD (doing things in serieses of odd numbers, walking around objects) but then evolved into very strange thinking patterns such as having a council of aliens living in my head who constantly argue with me and fight for control of my own thoughts.
This lead to some pretty strange mental battles I've had with myself which lead to me killing the aliens by burning down their house while bolting their doors shut (I believed that if they saw me physically they could control my actions), however I woke up the next day and a god has assumed the alien's responsibility which lead to more mental battles... ( I should not that I couldn't actually see or hear these imaginary creatures, they were simply thoughts in my head that I couldn't control)...
Anyway, as an extremely arrogant but undoubtedly gifted young teen, I became obsessed with how smart I was (I won loads of chess tournaments and got full marks on every test I did during years 7-8), however I believed the mental beings kept trying to steal my intelligence through guilt tripping me and claiming that I was hoarding it from mentally disabled kids, or that they were the official owners of my own mental abilities, and that in order for me to keep it (through fighting them or through doing what they would ask me to do) I would have to perform OCD rituals ranging from walking around objects to not being able to lie or be mean to repeating lines such as "I'm a genius tear super intellectual" to myself in my mind in (yes, again) serieses of odd numbers. edit: I would also be forced into other restraining behaviors, such as not being able to be mean or lie to other people, while simultaneously not being able to be too nice to anyway for fear that their negative treats would stain me, sometimes I still feel a strong compulsion not to take hug or stroke one of my dogs as a relative once mentioned that it seemed pretty slow, go figure.
(I didn't actually believe that any of this was real in anyway possible especially given that I was also a neckbeard tier atheist at this time, yet I still felt as if it was real on an intuitive level, I couldn't ignore the involuntary thoughts I was having. I also desperately wanted to be more humble, although the entities in my mind kept me from moderating my opinions of others, I was forced to hate and look down on others despite feeling terrible for doing so)...
However, no matter how hard I tried to fight these mental entities, I would feel my mental abilities draining at times, I would be so short on concentration that I couldn't read, or so deep in brain fog that I couldn't do simple arithmetic such as 729 + 283 during exams. This is especially contrasting with the fact that when I felt normal I could literally read all day or that I could do arithmetic operations extremely quick.
Of course, this lead to the decline of my grades in school, as I mentioned previously, my entire self image was based on how smart I was, so this lead to quite a deep depression that lead to me attempting suicide twice with nobody to this knowing the real cause of such attempts. The two most important things in the world to me was (and in still is) my own autonomy, and my own competencies, having both taken away from me made me miserable.
Eventually I partially recovered just in time for my GCSE exams which I got 12A*s in, however this was after the biggest blow yet was dealt to me by these mental entities. (this gets slightly graphic) Eventually, the word "mind rape" began to stick, and every time any of the mental entities tried fighting me I was struck with disgusting, horrible compulsive thoughts of them literally raping me in an attempt to weaken my mind (although, this was nothing to the ego blow of them destroying my grades and my hobbies). Eventually I begged for them to leave stop raping my mind, and one of the gods instead gave me a "dumbing down" fetish in return for leaving me alone, I then begged for them to take it back but they simply laughed and jeered at me.
Now I literally can't get off to anything else to extremely humiliating fetish pornography which has also lead to me developing a transformation and sissification fetish, both of which I hate with passion.
Even worse is, I also bargained with them for the ability to control my own mind, which amazingly worked. I instantly destroyed all of the other entities that existed in my mind, but although their "bodies" are gone, I'm still attacked with abusive and demeaning thoughts that I perform OCD rituals on to get rid off. Even worse is, if I let my mind drift for too long or become too emotional, I risk the chance of accidentally damaging myself with my ability to control my own mind structure, once such manifestation of this is that I can't lie about myself or I run the risk of my mind changing myself to suit that lie, or if a random thoughts says that I'm prone to submission, then I have to combat it for the next 10 seconds in order to reverse any damage it may of have caused.
As you might imagine, whenever I get of to this horrible fetish pornography, I'm constantly repeating lines to myself to prevent any personality changes, which result in me becoming mentally worn out as I've concentrated so hard on "shielding myself". So even masturbation has become a very stressful and exhausting task that I have to do because if I don't masturbate, then the sexual thoughts begin overwhelming me, leading to more and more mental infighting.
Which is great shame because honestly, masturbation and eating sweet foods are about the only thing I find fun nowadays (I still enjoy reading or competing in competitive games, but my mind often stops me from doing either to a degree I find satisfying, and now I can't do either without feeling disgusted, and besides, I study pretty much 24/5 nowadays.)
In fact, I'm writing this post now because after a particularly horrible experience with fetishtic pornography last week (which involved me staying up for 2 and half days in a row without eating anything while doing you know what), I vowed to try nofap and resist the sexual thoughts as much as possible, but I realised this has actually lead to me feeling quite depressed as masturbating over the weekends has honestly become something that I look very much forward to despite how drained it makes me feel after.
Edit: Another horrible side effect of this is that despite loving role playing games, I can't play any character who intelligence score is not maxed out for fear I will be corrupted by playing such a character, this is another passion that has been torn to shreds by my illness. I went as far as to redesign the rules for 4e Dungeons and Dragons to remove the intelligence and wisdom stat, although when my DM started introducing his own modified mind flayers into the campaign I lost the heart to carry on playing.
No. I don't have a very good excuse aside from the fact that I feel as if it'll be pointless because how of bizarre this is, and how terrible I am at talking about my feelings and introspections. The lack of accuracy will make getting results from therapy very difficult.
And two, what remains of the mental entities really, really doesn't want me to do so, I know that's because it might destroy them for good but at the same time it drains my motivation while manipulating my reasoning under the pretense of making me believe it'll be pointless and playing on my fear of opening up my internal workings to others.
I know it's fucking silly. I'll set a phone notification to book an appointment this monday.
>I feel as if it'll be pointless because how of bizarre this is
Do you think this is the strangest case of mental illness in all of history? Many, many totally bizarre mental illnesses have been recorded, and many treated. There is no reason to think you cannot be helped at all.
>how terrible I am at talking about my feelings and introspections. The lack of accuracy will make getting results from therapy very difficult.
The first step of therapy will be helping you express yourself. It's all stepping stones.
>what remains of the mental entities really, really doesn't want me to do so, I know that's because it might destroy them for good but at the same time it drains my motivation while manipulating my reasoning under the pretense of making me believe it'll be pointless and playing on my fear of opening up my internal workings to others.
That sounds very difficult, but I can see you're very self-aware of what's going on in your head, which is very promising. I think in a focused therapy session you will be able to find a way to express your issues.
>I'll set a phone notification to book an appointment this monday.
That's a great idea. Try going ahead with booking an appointment, even if you feel terrible about it, just remember that you can still physically make the appointment while feeling bad. Remember what I said about therapy looking very promising.
I wish you all the best, anon.
Do you ever feel like there's another person trapped inside your body trying to get out? Pic related.
No, it feels like a mix between being tormented by evil spirits and having mental spasm attacks.
I don't know Reddit slang and I'm sure it varies from board to board, but you're already marking yourself as a 4chan user if those terms aren't already present on Reddit. Just a thought, also know many on Reddit hate 4chan for reasons that vary from retarded to actually pretty valid.
>constantly focusing on how smart you are
This can often make people, especially people on the modern social networks where everyone believes they're the smartest in the room, to resent you. Even if you believe it and even if it's true, it's often easier to explicitly spell out "I BELIEVED I was smarter than everyone else," or "My disorder caused me to believe that I was better," etc. Makes you sound less egotistical, and particularly if you're asking for help, the phrasing makes it sound like "I'm smarter than you peasants, give me tribute in the form of help for your rightful lord." Again, I know where you're coming from because I had very similar "smarter than you" feelings in my childhood, but I feel it's always important to make sure that you aren't telling other people you're smarter than them -- even if it's true, or even if you're not trying to say that.
>2 and a half days
It may work for some, but I'm of the opinion that it's of limited value. I personally feel that sexual release is important to maintaining a healthy life, but anything past once or twice a day at most begins to feel unhealthy.
I agree with all the other anonfriends who say you should seek professional help. This sounds like a very serious issue, far more than "I get sad sometimes lol" or something. Even if you recognize they're not real, which is important (people who believe they have literal deities or angels inside their heads are truly frightening if you ask me), it sounds like you're unable to keep these entities in your head from damaging your life in very serious ways.
Meh, I once idly wondered if it was schziophrenia but upon reading up on it, I learned that schziophrenia is when you are unable to tell the difference between what's real and what's not.
I know every single one of this thoughts are purely works of fiction. But I still "feel" as if they are real, so I'm still affected by them, even if I know just how false they are.
But yeah, you're right, I need to see a health professional.
Yeah, I realised that talking about how smart I was was probably the reason why my post was downvoted. But I despite that I couldn't edit it out because my the remains of the mental entities bargain forces me to tell truth the at oddly inconvenient times.
I also agree with the point on nofap, but I despite that, I feel pretty good right now because I actually managed to do something today instead of burying my head in my pillow wishing my splitting post fap headache would go away.
Ugh, I'm glad I wrote this post. It's made realise- no accept just how damaging my own mind is to myself.
I'm a clinical therapist and I've worked closely with dozens of people experiencing mental illness. Based on what you've been saying, you have strong delusional thinking mixed with obsessive-compulsive qualities. I don't know if these are symptoms of two distinct disorders or if one has caused the other to manifest. I can tell you that being aware of your delusions or hallucinations does not exclude a diagnoses of schizophrenia, it simply demonstrates that you have a high degree of insight into the disorder. Diagnostically, this is a positive sign that medication would have a higher probability of being an effective treatment for you. I strongly encourage you to contact a psychiatrist, or taking your therapist's likely recommendation of seeing one and beginning to process of finding a medication(s) that work well for you.
If you're curious to know more about insight and lack of insight with schizophrenia, I encourage you to look up the term anosognosia. You'll also find related links to organizations such as NAMI which could be of some assistance to you as you manage your mental illness. Stay strong brobot.
>the remains of the mental entities bargain forces me to tell truth the at oddly inconvenient times.
At the risk of sounding like I'm talking down to you (which absolutely I'm not), at some point as an Armchair Psychologist(c) I believe you have to realize that the only thing "forcing" you to do this is yourself. I realize that comes across as "just bee urself, blink and cure your brain," etc., so I have to say that it's going to be a learning process in discovering how to stop giving in to these urges or perceived demands.
For clarification, do these other identities have physical means of compelling you (the ability to cause you pain, take control of your body in a sort of DID case, etc.) or is it merely the sense that they don't want you to? If it's the former, seek help ASAP, there's very little an imageboard can do for a serious issue like that and you may kill either yourself or someone else in an episode. If the latter, then I'd liken it to a bulemic or anorexic individual learning to eat/not purge afterwards; you have to find a way to teach yourself that it's ok to act like a normal human being and remind yourself that these entities don't exist.
I think everyone on this board is messed up or deviant enough that their own mind is damaging to themselves in some way, if we recognize that then I believe it's easier to minimize and begin to undo the damage. Have you talked to anyone IRL about this issue, therapist or otherwise, or do these other entities threaten to punish them or you for doing so?
They do punish me, they caused massive brain fog when I disobey them.
Sometimes, I can simply tank through it and it'll wear off, but if I'm in a stressful environment like my exams last week, then I'm simply far too weak to resist while operating smoothly.
If it's while I'm doing something that requires prolonged concentration or interest, then yes, they can affect me in a meaningful way. When the brain fog sets in I immediately feel demotivated to carry on with what I'm doing, my concentration simply evaporates, I simply lose both will and the ability to to finish the post, meaning that I have to give it to its desires if I want to do anything meaningful.
It's not bad enough that it can force me to do something seriously dangerous, because if I tell it that the consequences of doing whatever it wants me to do might provoke me to commit suicide or will make me depressed then it seems to back off, perhaps it's worried about dying along with me?
The entities do punish me for talking about it, you may of have noticed that my spelling and grammar in this thread have been quite sloppy, this is because while writing this post my thought process is constantly being interrupted with me repeating lines to myself in an attempt to power through any negative affects that I may suffer, fortunately it doesn't seem *too* bad tonight.
Oh and no, this is the first time I've ever mentioned this outside of "I might have OCD".
I didn't expect to get help really, I just wanted to talk about it and I guess I have to say thanks a lot because that's exactly what I got.
I guess I got the motivation to go actually take steps to fix this problem.
0 comments on plebbit WTF.
Fuck Reddit DESU Famalam.
They're so transparent holy shit.
It's like they don't even care about mental illness unless you're already a Chad or Stacey and you have a mild meme illness that doesn't really affect your daily life all that much.
Wish normies would fuck off.