The girl that I love (at least I think I do) started dating me recently, and for a week or so I felt truly happy, and felt like nothing could go wrong.
Then, my old friend, Major Depressive Disorder came back.
Literally cannot even reciprocate her feelings towards me. Can only feel sadness, guilt, regret, etc. Mainly feel guilty that she cares about me so much and wants to be with me even when I'm ruined, when all I could possibly do is bring her down.
I literally think about dying 24/7, and if someone was about to kill me right now, my last words would be "Thank you."
>>26255693 >my only friends don't want to be seen around me >a literal autist is now dating my oneitis >my only friends pitty me at best >haven't said more than 10 words at once since 8 this morning What the fuck I'm not ugly or autistic 5'11, 180, blonde with average build, and don't talk much. But people just don't like me Why?
>>26256436 But I just sit and listen to music while browsing my phone half the time. Other times I space out and stare at a wall unless someone says hi to me. And I only reply with hi back, and they usually leave.
>>26255693 >have a history exam on Monday >don't know shit >oneitis keeps flirting with my '''''''friend''''''' >feel even more shit than normal >riding my bicycle home because poor c u ck >flat tires >had to walk with my bike in the sun for three miles >cant stop thinking about oneitis >want to die I feel so shitty right now, I thought I had a chance with her,obviuosly I don't but I keep coming back thinking I have achance and I just am an orbiter, I cant even begin to explain how shitty I feel today. going to start drinking
>>26255693 Ive been depressed for as long as I can remember. I have no friends and I have several personality\mental disorders. I live with a narcissistic mentally abusive mother who constantly lies and gaslights me which only makes my mental problems worse. I used to be so ambitious and I actually believed that I could accomplish my goals now I just dont know what to do. I feel so angry that I seriously feel like killing myself. Id be lying if i said that i havent thought of hurting her im just so angry and its not like ive got anythhing to live for anyway.Its just too much to handle and I dont know what to do please help
I've been alone for years and didn't feel too bad about it. Now I'm in my mid 20's and still alone and still alone. For the first time ever I'm feeling actual depression that has been going on for days.
>>26255693 I avoid saying I'm depressed because I haven't been diagnosed and I think self-diagnosis is mainly used for attention. But fuck, senpai. Every few weeks I feel like I can conquer the world and I know where my life's going. But the time in-between I feel like I have no self-control or drive to do anything. I'm starting to dip down again and feel like shit but I'm trying my best to stay positive. I'm drinking upwards of 6 cups of coffee per day just to make myself get out of bed and go to class. Today I skipped class and I feel like shit for it. I can feel myself losing drive every fucking day. I'm taking 5k iu of vitamin D every day too
>>26255693 NOT ME. I'm drinking for the first time in a while and I'm listening to some sad music so I'm surprised I'm not suicidal yet. I looked for a feels thread and didn't see one. >feels bad man Although I haven't been frequenting /r9k/ as much as I normally do >feels GOOD man
>blacked out twice >once from just alcohol >once from think the xanax was fake and eating all of them >both times made a fool of myself around town >gf has broken up with me kinda but we live together so cant really break up because we are poor >friends think I am a creeper because I sometimes drunk message this girl that I am fond of in our friend group, and I blacked out hard the past too times >friend may have gotten caught cheating from my paper, I may be roped into it somehow, teacher likes me so willl be bad if she thinks I was helping >falling behind with school work >sleeping on the couch in my own damn apartment >trying to stay away from drugs after blacking out, but so hard to not drink heavily right now
>birthday coming up, same exact date as gf birthday, but we havent talked in 2 days, so will be bad birthday >I wish I died from the xanax and alcohol that day I blacked out. I really wish I did.
its hard to watch your life start to fall apart around you and know its your fault yep.
I've come to the realization that I have a really fucking stupid mental problem or some shit that's only getting worse.
About two months ago I was in another thread asking if what I do every night is sign of a mental disorder, some people said it was severe OCD, but it's gotten worse, I'll describe it.
>have a bad memory, or I've convinced myself I have a bad memory >either of those two things have led me to saving everything I want to remember inside of notepad files on my desktop >whenever I'm going to bed for the night, I have to follow an incredibly specific routine or my mind wont let me go to sleep, it'll keep running all night until I fix what I didn't do >have to open all the notepad files on my desktop and check them exactly four times each, reading the contents each time to make sure it's still correct each time and hasn't changed >then have to go to my computer fan controller and turn it all the way silent, do this (clicking silent->OK) four times too, saying "silent" to myself each time >then have to go back to all the notepad files and do them four times all again for good measure >now I'm able to shut my computer down >then go to my bedroom door and lock it >but I have to make sure the door is fully locked by stepping away, coming back, looking at the locked lock, and repeating this movement 7 TIMES >after I've done the first round I have to back up, switch my ceiling light off >then have to put the light back on and do round 2 of 7 checkson the lock >turn the light off again >then check the lock one final time 7 times >can now turn the light off and go to my bed >lay in bed, tv is turned on on the endstand next to my bed because I can't fall asleep without a low tv >have to turn the volume to exactly 2, any louder or lower will keep me awake >have to do this an unknown amount of times (switching between volume 1 and 2) until it clicks in my mind that the volume is on 2 >can then go to sleep
>>26258701 >>once from think the xanax was fake and eating all of them Bro you gotta be careful with that shit. A friend of my father died with thirteen xanax in his system. I don't personally think that's WHY he died but still.
>everything else Watch yourself, alright? You seem to have self-awareness to know how your actions and behavior impact yourself and others. Don't want anything truly awful happening to you, unless that is what you really want.
I'm really enjoying college but I feel stupid compared to my classmates. I also feel like I'm not smart enough to make it in my field(geology), and the more I study the less I know what I'm going to specialize in. It's especially bad now because I know that I can have a really good career trajectory but I just don't feel smart enough.
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