Once I fell into a deep cycle of depression. I felt completely and utterly useless, no one would miss me if I died. I was torn between two contradicting beliefs. I felt like I was a wimp, and I wasn't strong enough to stop being a wimp because I was a wimp. It was horrible
I was working a really shitty, painful job for about 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. I was legitimately going to kill myself because I was trying to find a better job, but no one accepted my resume, and I felt totally trapped in this horrid place, with a horrid boss who treated me like a rusty machine part that needed constant repairs instead of a person who needs a reason to live. Because if I was spending 12 hours at work and 10 hours sleeping so I wasn't dead tired at work, what was I to do with the remaining 2 hours of my day?
My worst feel was getting caught trying to kill my almost 3 year old cousin when I was 4.
His mom is a worthless slut and she had nobody supporting her (like mine), so they moved in with us. He was a little shit all the time and nobody ever disciplined him, meanwhile I got in trouble for retaliating when he directed his faggotry at me. I remembered hearing about kids suffocating in plastic bags when I was 2 (I had a phobia after hearing that, but I kept it hidden) and I figured if it happens all the time like they say on the news, everyone will think it was an accident and he'll be too dead to fuck with my life anymore. I grabbed a grocery bag from the holder that hung in our pantry and went in MY playroom which I knew he was sullying with his presence. I snuck up behind him and put the bag over his head, then couldn't figure out why he wasn't upset. Quickly, I realized he needed less air in the bag, so I shoved it into his mouth and put my hand over it (he was trying to scream at that point). My mom walked in and pulled us apart and I got in a bit of trouble. I thought for sure I was dead, but everyone thought I didn't know what I was doing/was trying to play and was stupid or something.
That's when I realized I could pretend to be stupid like the other children and get away with (attempted) murder. That stupid little fucker got run over by an ice cream truck when I was on vacation with my grandpa later that year. I thought for sure he would finish the job himself, but I had no such luck (or he got a little smarter to avoid things like the pain of getting run over because you aren't listening). Piece of shit went to jail recently for stealing our aunt's sports car and crashing it into some building, and his mom committed grand larceny to cover the bill and went on the run. At least, that's what I heard.
>>26237540 Anyway, getting caught was the first (and worst) time I ever got caught doing something that gave me that feeling of utter dread. Thinking back on it, I really didn't have a plan for if things went wrong. I assumed I'd get away with it and never have to deal with him again because who would put a 4 year old in jail?
>>26235999 tried ODing 3 times in a row (3 seperate days) on all different drugs, all more than enough each day after the first made me feel unbearably sick (obviously) the repeated failure felt worse than any failure I've experienced previously
12th grade, I had just turned 18 years old. There was this girl, she was absolutely perfect in every way. She was a virgin, had only had one boyfriend in her life which she didn't even kiss, was really kind, cute, innocent, and refused to even curse. She was really religious, and she hung around my friends and I because we were kind of retarded and made her laugh a lot.
Why didn't I ask her out? She was only 15, she was a freshman and I was a senior. Didn't want to go to jail and get assraped. That is assuming she would have said yes, which I don't think she would have because of how pure she was. I have literally never met a girl like her before that, or after. I probably never will again, either.
I found out two weeks ago and she made it sound like it was recent. So I dumped her, now I immediately regret it and I feel like a sack of shit. She told me the /when/ just last night and it wasn't even like we were serious at the time. Fuck I'm trying to justify this, because she hooked me.
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