I've already accepted a long time ago that I'll never find a companion
but from time to time I think of something that "one day I'll get to show my children" only to come to that crushing realization it'll never happen. I know you know this feel.
Sometimes, just for a moment, I allow myself to imagine things getting better. Its always a mistake.
I don't know what it's like to have a girl actually interested/attracted/into me.
I don't know but I would like that because I want a gf. I'm already in my mid-20s.
I'm nice, have a job. car, my own place. They can't get past my looks or something. I'm slim and don't have the cutiest face in the world, but I dunno. It's like I have to become chad thundercock first or something.
I've had a few girls like me, but I was either too stupid/aspie to do anything about it.
It sucks man it really does. I'm in school, I have a job, a car and I'm trying to better myself.
Even though I say I nice, I know that I'm really not. I'm pretty much like every other cunt out there. I can be a dick sometimes.
I'm also not good looking, but I can't control most of the stuff.
I do the same thing OP. I sometimes fantasize about having a family and loving someone that loves me back. I imagine being passionate about something and pursuing that without fear of failure and enjoying it. I can't actually put anything in the place of that interest but the feeling itself I can dream about.
Sometimes I think back to being at my friends houses as kids. Their parents always seemed really affectionate and proud of them. I only ever had a mother and father (now divorced) and I never made them proud. I was a terrible student and never have had any motivation. But seeing my friend's mothers and grandmothers being affectionate, their siblings joking with them and their uncles, fathers and grandfathers praising them and joking them around I always felt like a complete outsider in a foreign world. I have no family and I rarely talk to anyone. I never felt like my mother really cared about me and it left a hole in my heart I think. I've always been desperate to fill that hole with love from a girl or something but I'm also too afraid of rejection and failure.
Maybe I went off topic but family feels, both in the past and what will never be in the future, hurt more than anything else.
The thought that hits me the hardest is whenever I think back to my childhood. I used to be so much more carefree and able to enjoy things. I wasn't really happy, I was autistic as fuck and didn't know how to make friends but I could atleast distract myself with something. These days I don't really enjoy things as much as I used to and I've turned into a bitter, hopeless NEET.
These are feels that I'm normally busy enough ignore, but when I can't, they kill me
>when you realize you have no friends
>when you realize you have nobody you can rely on or trust, you are by yourself
>when you realize your life is hanging on a particle of chance, maybe, everything could just crumble if you decided to take the wrong way one day or have a bad day and say or do the wrong thing. nothing to fall back on, no insurance
>that feel when you realize you can't keep living on these $200 checks from your wage slavery job and need something more, no matter what
>that feel when you realize nobody else can relate to what you are feeling inside, the hatred, anger, frustration, stress
>tfw you dont know how to properly explain your feels so you just end writing/deleting walls of shitty text and en up with this
>started camping/small game hunting for the first time since I was a teenager because I thought it would help me
>every minute I'm indoors I'm thinking about the woods
>walking alone, just me, my rifle, and my thoughts
>that adrenaline when I shoulder the gun, open fire, and watch some rabbit hit the dirt
>smoking and watching the sun sink beneath the horizon, my campfire cracking behind me
>no bad feelings while in the the woods
>get in the car after the weekend and drive back to the "real world" to work my "good job"
>everybody seems fake (sounds edgy, but fuck, I don't choose what I feel)
>everybody is buried in their phones, engrossed in instagram and snapchat and all these other things
This sounds like hipster ragamuffin bullshit, but it's all true. I just want to load up my truck and go somewhere else.
learning about rape fantasies for the first time
I go through the same - haven't hunted in a few years but spending the weekend in nature and coming back to "real life" is painful.
It's not really living and everyone is so phony.
Who needs fucking children? If you have a sibling just visit their children often. You get the best bits (as in they're not misbehaving since someone else is with them) and it's maintenance free!
What hits me is that I have to stop myself from having kids because I don't want to pass this curse called schizophrenia (properly diagnosed.)
Besides, I don't think I could still have children even if I didn't have it, fuck this world.
>I've already accepted a long time ago that I'll never find a companion
we live in a time where its easier to find someone else than to make your relationship work, female egos are inflated beyond compare, men are told to accept degenerates and that sex and women are not like they are in porn, yet we dont tell women relationships arent like their soaps, we dont tell women they need to put in work instead of getting everything handed on a silver platter, or that they are judged upon merit rather than sex.
There is no hope and there is no reason for that to change.
I know the world may seem not that bad to you anon... but i think you are just letting beeeeeeeing yourself consume your view of the world.
You realize our opinions are largely based upon personal experiences, and therefore it's pointless trying to counterargue without statistics or anything, right?
You think of me as one of those normies who has good intentions, but doesn't know any better, right?
Life is shit anon. You're perfectly right. Tragedy strikes around every corner, one moment you could be alive and the next dead. Greediness and selfishness is rewarded in the capital world, the most alpha and determined survive. Sons and daughters are taken from their parents, unjust events going on everywhere in the world. You're perfectly right.
But... so what? Even knowing these things, they don't have to stop you from getting a good life. From being happy. I understand how depression works, you long for something and you are denied so many times until you're so fucking jaded that you don't have anymore fucking energy. You're just a corpse walking.
Get therapy, take meds, read self-help books if you have to, just do something different besides what you do every day.
Tomorrow I'm going to be put on some mood stabilizers for my depression. I hate meds with a burning passion, but it's the necessary sacrifice for the future of my happiness.
Fear of change is the only thing that is stopping you, make small sacrifices if you have to, the smallest fucking thing honestly, it just matters that you put in effort into the cause.