>>26209250 my family. i try to be a relitavist or whatever. i fucking hate my life and expect no enjoyment or pleasure ever but i've seen how much having a sibling/child sudoku fucks with people and my families lives are pretty cool and they aren't terrible people.
Like my brothers getting married, getting his career started, my parents are coming to the end of their working lives after working hard to provide pretty much everything i wanted (that they can provide, it's not my fault im broken)
so i kind of just go on as a bit of a prisoner to them i guess. i dont want my death to make their lives as shit as mine
>>26209337 im >>26209335 this too. very much so. i was thinking the other day about all the horror stories about people being tortured or that one about the Zetas forcing people to fight to the death only to be sent on suicide missions or whatever and i thought even if i saw them coming to get me, and i had a gun and knew i was going to experience extreme agony and a horrible death i still dont think i could do it.
I don't want to hurt my family, both financially and emotionally. I don't want to hurt the very small number of online friends I'm close to. I'm too scared. I don't want to wind up crippled. If I could find a relatively painless method with a high chance of success, I'd go for it. Unfortunately, helium tanks are diluted now.
To a much, much lesser extent I want to watch Jojo Part IV.
Honestly, the only thing stopping me from killing myself is pure curiosity. I'm too curious about the shit that's going to happen in the future. At my best, I've still got 60-70 years left. In that time, someone may have even figured out life-extension techniques and I'll have even longer. I already can't wait to see humans on Mars, it makes me feel like an excited little kid inside. I can't imagine what's going to happen in the next 50+ years, what technological advancements we'll come across, what happens in culture, society, and politics around the world, etc. Even if I stay depressed and everything sucks, I'm still a nerdy little kid over the future.
I dont know why but I'm sure that if I die unhappy I will be unhappy forever. See, I believe in afterlife and I know sudoku isnt the solution. Now situation can change, now maybe some miracle will happen and I will change, but after death? I will always be a guy that killed himself couse he's a loser.
I want to say i'm not afraid to die, but how gruesomely it has to happen. Or the pain.
I'm not sure what i'm willing to go through, or what will happen in the wake of my death.
I think about suicide by cop sometimes. Some asshole told me they don't shoot to kill anymore. I also think about how bad I would fuck up if I did fuck up. I get their attention by bashing their window with a hatchet I carry around, get them to corner me, and REACH for it. Professionally too, and make it convincing.
But what if I survive, what the fuck happens then? that's supposed to be it, game over no save points, no rerun.
No afterlife. I want it all to be over. Not sat in a courtroom or a fucking prison thinking about nothing but anger and revenge.
It's funny everyone used to be little babies at some point in their life, but they all have the potential to grow up and entertain violent radical thoughts like these.
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