(This a repost from "Write a letter to someone who may never read it" threads. I plan on delivering it later this week)
I'm not ready.
I know you made your situation clear before we dated, in fact, it was probaly among the first three sentences that came out of your mouth. "I'm a mom" you said to me, as if excusing yourself for having attracted me. I also remember glazing over it, and addressing it by saying "I love kids, I have a four year old brother so I sometimes feel like a parent too!"
I remember having lunch together that day, and even though you looked beat from what must have been a sleepless night I know I managed to keep your attention because you never noticed what must have been a milk stain on your coat. I took that as an opportunity to bring myself closer to you and point out, "You got a little something right there." and as you pulled back I grabbed your hand and you didn't let go. I remember things being awkward after that, and I know you were careful not to get attached. From the very beginning it was me who was pursuing you. The attraction was mutual but I did this and for that I am sorry.
I want you to know that you've meant an awful lot to me. You were the first girlfriend who didn't cheat. The first girl to say "I love you" first. The only one whose devotion I didn't question. Don't think this is because you're a mother, and definitely don't take it against the child. I fell in love with your motherly qualities. Being a mother only made you a better woman, never regret it. I remember you flirting with me by being condescending and generally treating me like a child. I remember tracing your stretch marks with my fingertips.
I will always remember how welcoming and warm your family was, something I never had growing up since my extended family is divided into cliques. You know my family isn't as accepting of you, but don't think it was their influence that makes me do this because you know very well I'm not afraid to piss them off.
I know you supply for your child independently, and I also know money wouldn't be an issue seeing how we both work and our combined incomes would make us squarely middle-class. I've also considered I still live with my parents and have nothing of value to my name. In that regard you're so far ahead of me I can honestly say you have more to offer me than the other way around. I know if I stayed with you and came into his life I would be the only father he knew. I know he too would give me preference over his bio-dad. The last thing I would want to do is come into his life only to leave later, he doesn't need two fathers' abandonment.
You've done nothing wrong, and have done nothing to deserve this. When we met my ex had just left me to get back with her ex, because he was better at sex. As you can imagine, I felt worthless. All that went away when I was with you,the way you made me feel infinite. Now I'm afraid it is me who will take away your confidence. Do not take this upon yourself, you are an exemplary woman and a wonderful mother. It's me that's not ready to be father.
Anons, this is my confession, I've never talked to anyone about this. Am I looking for advice? Maybe. But I'm mainly doing this get all of this off my chest, perhaps this will help me. I just want to sit down and write what's on my mind, maybe no one will see it, maybe someone will. I don't mind.
I'm living a fake life.
As a kid, I was anti-social and no one really liked me, I was 'that weirdo who watches japanese cartoons' or 'the guy obsessed with online games' or 'the kid who never goes out of his house'. The teachers at school noticed that I was always alone, and I'd be hiding from everyone, so they told my father to take me to a psychologist.
As for why I was like that? From a young age I was used by other people. I remember being forced to buy a bunch of kids ice cream for each of them so that they'd let me play with them, otherwise they wouldn't let me join them. The world was unfair for me back then, why the fuck would I have to do that so I can play with them? Why am I the only one who has to do that?
I realized a few years ago, I was afraid of being alone, I wanted to fit in, so I'd do anything in order not to be alone, I'd even spend all of my money and constantly ask for more so I can buy things to the kids so that they'd let me play with them.
Anyways, continuing from where I left off. My father decided to take me to a psychologist, it was a young woman, probably in her late 20s/early 30s. She was really kind to me, I was finally gettng attention without having to do something in order to get it. I remember at first I would barely talk to her, I'd just stare at a plant inside the room, or the windows. But she took it slow and asked me questions about myself - who I am, what I like, what I want to achieve in my life. etc.
>>26157742 i know that feel senpai fuck the postfilter, goddamned niggers trying to take my shit when i'm walking around just fuck off you goddamned degenerate shitskins. goddamnit, i know not all niggers in this nation are as bad as they are in europe, but the statistics still show that they are the main perpetrators of violent crime, especially against white people
I started feeling better, I wasn't suddendly a social person who easily connects with others, but I wasn't anti-social either. It was at that time that I met a really kind guy who was about 3 years older than me. He actually considered me a 'friend' and never forced me to buy him anything. I was genuinely happy at that time.
I had my psychologist who was helping me out with my problems, and I had my best friend who was always there for me. He introduced me to World of Warcraft, anime and other stuff. I remember I'd sleep over his house and we'd wake up early in the morning to watch Shaman King, those were the good days.
Fast forward two years later, he was 14 and I was 11, he entered puberty and started changing, personality-wise that is. His friends were like "Why would you hang out with that kid dude?". I don't blame him, he gave in to peer pressure and stopped hanging out with me. I isolated myself from the real world and spent most of my time in my house playing online games.
Some weeks later he called me. He said his friends were wrong, and that he wanted to hang out with me again.
I could've said okay and continue being friends with him, maybe that'd save me. I have no way of knowing what my life would be like if I had done that, but I know for certain that my life would be extremely different.
So, for some reason I told him no. He seemed really sad but well, I was scared of getting close to any human being, I was afraid that I'd be betrayed again, and left all alone.
I was a pretty thin kid back then, but as soon as I stopped hanging out with my formerly best friend, I stopped going out, I'd spend all my days eating junk food and playing games, so I gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time.
The doctors even said that I'd get diabetes if I continued gaining weight. Even the psychologist wasn't able to help, I was just a disgusting filthy human being at that time.
At the age of 14, I regained hope in life. A bunch of my classmates started inviting out to play football together. Since I was a fatass back then I didn't really do anything, I couldn't run fast, or score a goal or anything. But I still felt special, someone actually cared about me after all those years.
I was afraid of losing my new friends, so I imitated them to fit in even more, thus making sure that I wouldn't be an outcast. I imitated their interests. I pretended to really like soccer, when in fact, I hated it. I found it a boring sport where 22 people just run around doing nothing interesting whatsoever. But even so, I pretended to like it.
When I was asked "What do you like?" I'd respond "I like soccer, going out in the mall [insert other generic shit that normies do here]", when in fact I loved spending hours on online games, watching anime, writing weird sci-fi stories etc.
So I kept on putting on this act for many years, pretending I like shit I don't so that I wouldn't be left alone, eventually I got many friends, I'd even say I was getting a little bit popular even with the girls. By that time I lost all my weight, I started working out and my body's condition was pretty good.
When I was 16. I met this slightly chubby dude with really long hair in my handball practice, and I found out he was a lot like me - spending hours on games, watching anime, etc. I freaked out by how similar our interests were, so I approached him and talked to him. He was a year older than me and I remember he was a chill person. Once I told him that I watch anime we started hanging out together, talking like the weebs we are about anime, theorizing and all that crap, it was fun, really fun. In fact, I was having fun for the first time in my life after so many years.
This was the kind of shit I liked, being a weeb and talking about anime. Anyways, there was this night when we were done with handball practice and we walked back home, he told me out of sudden "Why do you hang out with those guys?" (he was referring to my friends who liked soccer) "These guys are jogs, you have nothing in common. They love running around, talking about the match of the day, while you love sitting alone watching anime."
When I heard those words I was shocked and started questioning myself "Why am I pretending to be someone I'm not?". Why am I forcing myself to fit in? I had this weeb friend so I have no need for them, right?
So there's a long story about this, but I stopped hanging out with the weeb. I'll try to give a short summary as for the reason why.
We were having a handball practice game, and we were against eachother. Long story short, I accidentally hit him really hard, he had to skip practice for like a week. The amount of guilt I felt after doing that was immense. Thus, I distanced myself from him (don't question the reason why I did that, even I don't know my thought proccess). He would often approach me during school, telling me it's okay and that I shouldn't worry about him. But out of guilt, I slowly started avoiding him,
Thus, I went back to hanging out with my normie friends. It was the same stuff as before. I pretended to like shit that I don't. About a year or two passed and the weeb graduated and I was a senior at my school.
It was then that I started maturing - or so I thought - I started thinking about life and regretting my actions. "Why the fuck would I feel so guilty and distance myself from someone who I had so many things in common with?" "Why did I mess up with my life so much that now I'm pretending to be someone I'm not?" "Why am I not myself?" I regret every single of my actions. Yet I couldn't stop. I'd keep on hanging out with those normies who I couldn't relate to. I was afraid of being lonely.
I just shut off all my feelings, I kept on living this boring life. I settled down for this kind of life. I pretended to be happy, cheerful, positive etc when in reality I was this gloomy self-hating guy. No one could see through my facade - except for that weeb whom I haven't spoken to for years.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that when the weeb graduated I stopped going to my psychologist, since both me and her thought that I was okay now. (since the reason why I went there in the first place was because I was anti-social, but now that I had "friends" I was supposedly okay, even though, I kinda regret for not talking to her about how I was faking everything)
Now for the next major event in my life. I was 17, almost an adult. This is getting long so I'll try to explain the key details. This 8/10 cutie pie girl from my school who was around my age found out that I was a weeb (through my facebook likes I suppose, I remember pressing like on a bunch of random anime shit back then). "You watch anime?" is kinda how she started the conversation on facebook. I thought she'd mock me about this but I didn't really care, so I answered yes. Surprisingly enough she was some sort of a closet otaku aswell, even if though she didn't seem like it - she was fit and her skin was really nice (unlike those other "weeb girls" who have acne all over their face and just smell bad).
It was like 2am and we had school tomorrow, but we kept on chatting on plebbook, she was really cute, using emojis like :3 and all that stuff. Yes I found that surprising, I had many friends but I never really talked much with girls - mainly because I had tendencies of becoming socially retarded around them.
Nevertheless, at school we'd wave at eachother and not really talk, but at home we'd message eachother everyday. Now this may sound weird, but I fell in love. >inb4 "you barely knew her you fucking faggot"
(PART 5, I doubt anyone is even reading this right now, but I'll keep on going just in case)
THIS. I've been going to clubs lately and once and again hot girls that I've always dreamed of fucking deliberately come close to me and start dancing around me and I just stay there not having a clue what to do... I think I should dance with her but I don't know how to dance I just feel stupid dancing, and everything I think I could say is just too autistic or plainly aggressive and too forward.
Being the guy I was, who was afraid of being lonely - and who got betrayed many times, and who just wanted to be genuinely happy. I fell for her at first sight.
Our conversations got a little bit more personal, we'd talk about real life instead of just anime, and I felt like I started getting connected to her. A few weeks later she told me she wanted to talk in real life too. I was like "Okay!" but in reality I was shaking in fear. I mentioned after all before that I was a bit socially retarded around girls, and the fact that she was my first crush didn't really help either.
She tried approaching me many times in real life, but being the faggot I was, I'd just answer her back and then walk away, saying I'm busy or something.
She stopped messaging me on facebook, and now that I think about it, she either a) felt like I was avoiding her in real life, or b) she wanted me to approach her in real life. I remember her last attempt to talk with me was when she told me to come to an otaku event with her and I replied to her "Nah, I'm sorry. I've got something to do with my friends at that day.", even though I was free. I was just being a beta ass faggot.
That whole period of time with her helped me a lot though. For the first time in my life, I opened up to my friends and I told them. "Look, I don't really like soccer..I love watching anime, wasting my time on games and I often have self-harming tendencies. I experience depression nearly everyday and I'm not as happy as I seem to be." They were pretty chill about this luckily, even though they were normies, they accepted my hobbies, but they didn't really like them either.
Fast forward a few months. I was really close to graduating. I hadn't talked to that girl for a long time, which is something I regret to this day. But atleast I achieved something, right? I was being genuine, my friends knew who I am.
And as soon as I embraced my real self, I found it easier to interact with other people - people I barely even knew, and heck, I even made some new female friends. It's as if I was an entirely different person. Now had my friends not accepted my hobbies and left me alone in the proccess, I think I'd have probably be a lot more different personality-wise, I'd probably go back to being the anti-social little kid I was back in primary school.
High school was about to end. My crush got a boyfriend, which kinda broke my heart, but I don't really blame her since I was too beta to approach her, regardless of that, I felt like she kinda helped me with talking about my interests to my friends.
I remember before high school was over, me and my crush talked in real life - it was a short conversation to be honest, we were talking about some metal bands. But that was it, I could tell she was talking to me just to not seem rude, but she didn't really have the excitement she had before. It was a shame to be honest, had I not been a beta back then, then I could've possibly been in a relationship with her.
Whatever though, I convinced myself that I had no regrets as soon as high school was over. I graduated with a good grade and the future seemed bright for me.
>>26157177 im not really a robot. i have job and going to school but i have depression issues and general hatred / inability to b around other people. i live with an autistic 34 year old because i didnt make any friends in my first year at school. at work on of the servers, 9/10 qt3.14 asian who plays league and smokes and watches rick and morty and fucking everything else i love, asked for my number and started txtn me first and i didnt no the right things to say or make a move and then see started dating a different busser at the restaurant and now i just want to kill myself but i cant because i dont want to put my mom through that kind of pain.
I've found that pretty much every single fucking girl is just a waste of time. Especially my manipulative slut of a "friend." Once my relationship with my current girlfriend is over, I'm being a fag. Then I wont have to deal with all the bullshit.
I'm now 19 years old. My life isn't really special, I'm just a NEET who browses /r9k/, /b/ and /a/, that's seriously all I'm doing those days.
Sometimes I'm still hanging out with those normie friends of mine, but this doesn't feel right at all. Even though they know that I like games, anime etc, we don't really talk about them. Our conversations mostly consist of boring stuff like politics, soccer and all that shit.
I achieved nothing. It might be hard for any of you to relate to me, but it feels really strange hanging out with people who are completely different from you - and for some reason I'm once again pretending to be interested in that boring shit.
I've also noticed that I'm getting more and more anti-social - maybe because I'm not around people as much as before, and thus my social skills are going down. I'm dealing with depression right now.
It's really hard explaining, but I'm not living the life I'd like to live. In the proccess of trying hard not to be alone - in the end I forced myself to be alone. I had chances to connect with people similar to me but I threw them away because I was too scared.
A lot of shit happened from post-graduation to now, but I'd spend a lot more time writing it and I feel like that's enough.
Can anyone relate to me? What do I do? I feel like a failure - this is definitely not the life I wished for.
I doubt anyone read so far, but if you did - thank you.
>>26160355 you're doing it wrong. some people, like me, are perfectly comfortable watching anime by ourselves and having 0 human interaction. other people like you want to watch anime and have human interaction. dump your normie friends if you have nothing in common win them and find anime nerd friends instead. go to conventions, meet internet friends irl, and suck it up when you're labelled a nerd. that's the price you have to pay for wanting social interaction but not liking normie activities.
I always wanted to write a book. The mere thought of having something you wrote on your shelf and, most importantly, on shelves of other people you don't even know makes me hard. Too bad I have no writing skills and I am too much of a pussy to improve by showing my "art" to other people. That way I sit in a middle of nowhere with no gf, kids or accomplishments in life. That makes me quite sad. There, you happy now?
>>26160207 Do you ever wonder whether it would be more efficient to marry a good friend and have many "flings" with people just for the high? But then again, maybe that's how a drug addict thinks... it would be great if the high could be simulated with pills.
I'm the biggest flake of all time I know exactly how to disappoint everyone around me and myself. I mastubate too often for my own good and I don't even care or feel disgusting about it but I pretend to be some pure virgin angel on the surface when really I wouldn't mind taking multiple dicks at once and drowning in the cum. whatever
I am so self-loathing. And when people like me I reject them so as not to be a normie. I am extremely rude in situations when I shouldn't be and a pathetic little bitch when I shouldn't. I even had an insignificant operation I didn't need made at the dentist just because I couldn't say no when the dentist started preparing for surgery in the wrong place.
>>26162244 He's the clingy one. desu I wanted a couple days to myself (rather just not with him 24/7), but this is after he got mad at me. I wish it was under better pretenses. He said "I'm not breaking up with you, but I want to spend two or three days to myself".
Okay, this just happened. >browsing 4chan like usual >music playing in background >get caught off-guard as a Katawa Shoujo song starts playing >get reminded of that day back in 2012 >feel tears welling up >manage to suppress but the sad feelings won't go away
I only played through it once and I thought I got over it. But now this, fuck my life, I hate it, why can't I just be a normal person and deal with emotions like I should instead of constantly pushing it away constantly.
>>26162337 I'm really clingy too. Imagining this happening to me, if the way you said it sounded like you were upset or angry about how clingy I was, I'd probably do the same thing. Yknow, make the other person feel bad or anxious, just like you are feeling right now. Petty revenge.
What exactly happened? What did you say to him? I'm very manipulative and it sounds like something I'd do.
There's always talk of this "war" of black men vs black women. Well this so-called war is completely one-sided: black men beating down black women at every turn. Just as many black women are right along the band-wagon too. Look on Youtube for yourself - "problems of black women" will yield hundreds if not thousands of videos totaling millions of views while vice versa, I only found one video that had less than 1,200 views. That's the first point of clarity concerning this so-called war
Point 2) This "war" is mostly perpetuated online through social media by a certain LOUD niche of undesirable black men that even bother to be this petty on the internet.
Point 3) The "problems" themselves. I'll name some of the top problems I see describing black women >attitude This is the only thing I'll own up to. I'm nowhere near a Shaniqua type, but I'm bold. >too ghetto Since when are black men the opposite? >too independent *most* black men do not actually have a problem with this (since someone in the relationship needs to be working) >too demanding I was surprised by seeing this so many times. Anyone care to elaborate? No offense, but so many brothas don't have much of anything TO demand and sistas by and large still don't want to date out. Now, I won't stoop down to the level of these men and make a list of everything that's wrong with black men, but I will explain the major cognitive dissonance that leads to these lists and shameless verbal degradation of black women:
>>26162511 got drunk and got really handsy with a gf of mine and he said it made him uncomfortable. Then when he was mad at me I started crying and saying I wanted to die.
This happened last night. This morning he didn't want to sleep near me and got up and went to the couch. We had brunch plans (I was gonna treat), I said "I know you're upset, but you're still welcome to come to brunch with me". He said he wanted to sleep. I left and came back, hung out a bit, woke him up near 1 pm. He got up and then told me "I'm not breaking up with you, but I want two or three days to myself". We spend a lot of time together since work is slow for me, and he recently got laid off. I don't act like I want time apart from him, so I doubt he would do it as a petty revenge thing, and he doesn't seem like the type to do that even if he did.
>>26157177 Officer Darren Wilson is guilty as fuck. It's right there in the police report.
What kind of retard pulls right up to a suspect's/target's face? So close he can reach for your gun? What is the tactical advantage to putting yourself in that situation? Either Wilson wanted to tell Brown a secret, kiss him, or insult Brown's dignity in the hope that Brown would violently react and thus justify Wilson shooting him.
>>26162650 >guilt/spite/justification I always baka when I see videos titled "Why I date non-black women"...."Why I'll never date black women".....these men just give themselves away - at some point you felt bad about your lack of attraction to black women and the only way to preserve your pride (as all men do) is to blame it ALL on black women. Just admit that you aren't attracted to black women, no one gives a fuck. Or on the flip side, you may have been spurned or had a poor relationship with a black woman and your little tirades and even your future relationships with non-black women, occur entirely out of spite. Why do you think black male/non-black female relationships have the highest divorce rates? Why make videos and lists about it? You're THAT desperate to make yourself feel okay about your decisions.
>wanting black women to be something they're not This is in response to the "too independent" comments. I've seen some black men say that they want to see vulnerability in their women. I just don't get how, in an overwhelming culture of single-mother homes, these men don't understand why black women are so independent and are generally raised to not rely on others. Ask all of those moms or all of the fathers that didn't provide for their child why black women have to be so self-reliant. Trust me, I get it, men want to feel needed (I guess), they want a woman to be vulnerable but our culture does not foster dependent and vulnerable women. It does not foster the qualities of "provide and protect" in so many of our men. We're too scared to rely on others. Women in other cultures aren't afraid of their SO not providing for them or leaving them, so don't project the qualities of their women onto us.
It's funny, I was expecting for the board to go into a REEE-fest or be bombarded with advice about her being a "roastie" or some MGTOW info-graphs. It's nice to know I can count on this board for solidarity.
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