>go onto /r9k/ looking for a thread to wallow in my own sorrow

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>>26046213
I know that feel anon. I still live at home so I can have my mom go get groceries but the few times I had to do it like when they go on vacation, its just awful. The most I can do is nod or say ye and get out as fast as I can without having a panic attack.

I started uni two weeks ago and have only gone to the first class so far. I just can't get myself to leave the house.Please someone shoot me since I am too much of a pussy to do it myself.

Just some random feels of mine

>really hungry but trying to lose weight so don't want to eat

>yugioh is too expensive for me to have the deck I want

>suck at league of legends

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>>26046213

Went to a corner shop yesterday to buy some cigs and the lady behind the counter asked me if i had been smoking a lot as my acne is looking very bad. Went home and self harmed. Lady why you do this to meeeeeeeeee

>>26046907
Haha, you cheered me up thanks faggot

>>26046952

No problamo anon

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>tfw ambitious
>can't ever get myself do to things
>it even extends to things i like doing
>the only motivation i can muster is to waste my day until the next time
>tfw

>>26047090
this, this is my life.Even thinking about doing a thing is exhausting.

>>26046293
>go out to a concert one of my few friends is playing in
>literal 9/10 (im very picky too) chick starts talking to me somehow
>go outside with her, smalltalk
>sperg inbound
>asks me what I do all day since I mentioned I was jobless
>sperg in 4, 3, 2, 1
>'i like to browse dank pepe memes all day'
>she's not a normie she's just into reading or whatever
>doesn't know what pepe is
>genius idea
>pull out phone with which literally has a pepe wallpaper
>put up to her face
>she says she has to go see someone

Fucking autist feels, anyone?

>>26046213
I've been drinking nonstop for a month now and I just don't know what to do with my life.

It all happened when I tried to apply to graduate school. I have a 3.97 GPA, graduated summa cum laude at my university. I got letters of recommendation from the dean of my college, a retired Army Col., and my psychology professor. Everything was going perfect in my life. Until I took the GRE.

I didn't study for it at all. I kept asking people who took it previously and they all responded with, "yeah, that shit is easy." I thought that I would do fine. I got a 144Q and a 149V. I literally scored the 30th percentile.

After finding this out, I just gave up. I sell plasma now to make money. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to study, but the other half realizes that I am just a failure. I watched Eggman's video on the blackpill and I feel that I am a genetically inferior male who just got lucky. I'm thinking about applying to a grocery store or somewhere shitty. I shouldn't try to be something in life. It was stupid of me to have dreams.

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>tfw don't understand life
>tfw don't know why I'm here
>tfw just want it to end
>tfw afraid but hate waiting because I feel like there's nothing here

>>26047319
Can't you retake the GREs anon? Just get a better score, or something.

>go to work
>spend all day sandblasting then moving around heavy pieces of metal
>go home
>tired as fuck don't even feel like getting up to make dinner
>now sitting on my couch just hitting f5 over and over again hoping that I can find something to hold my interest
>tomorrow will be the same
>no friends so nothing to do on weekend
>haven't spoken to a nonfam girl in months
>can't really get it up to porn anymore
Computer is fucked up but so is my car and I can't afford to fix either
>don't feel happy or sad just numb and burned out

>>26047090
>ambitious
>can't ever get myself to do things
I know exactly what you mean anon. I think I might be slightly bipolar or something

I sometimes feel super energetic and get tons of stuff done, so I feel like I can do even more.
I will sign up for more shit and start more projects, then a couple days later I drop and can barely get out of bed in the morning.

>go to college
>first semester spend weeks in bed
>barely pass anything
>feel great at start of break
>get job
>work hard, pay is okay, feels good
>tell my boss "yeah, I think I can do 20 hrs/week during next semester"
>It's now next semester
>I'm dying

>>26047246
Holy fuck dude. I consider myself a pro spaghetti dropper but what were you thinking?Memes aren't trading cards to show to people.

>me trying to be a normie and talk to people in group project
>try to tell jokes
>"hey hey guys, what is an Ethiopians favorite type of cheese?"
>"heh..what anon?"
>"Ge'ez"
>everyone is blank had no idea what I meant
>start mumbling and panicking explaining it
>they are like yeah ok, never speak to me again

>>26047319
that sucks man. what where you planning on studying for? Those are pretty low scores.You should study and retake them. The GRE's aren't something to be taken lightly.Everything else sounds good, just get that score up and you can probably get in almost anywhere.

>>26046213
>wake up
>check email
>got rejected from only med school I got an interview from

Well fuck. Now my family will spend the next 6 months circlejerking over every little thing I did telling me that's why I didn't get in, never mind that I'm the only one of them that has gone to college and completed it in a science degree.

>>26047319
that's cruel. i'm smart, 99th percentile, but i fucked off in school. ended up dropping out of junior college without wasting my money. its fucked up for the system to string stupid people along like that, give them good grades and shit just for showing up, but when its time for the real shit it turns out you weren't ever smart enough all along, but they happily took your money and your time and blew a ton of smoke up your ass that whole time. you seem like you're smart enough to score higher than that though, i bet if you studied you might get into the 60th percentile and maybe be able to salvage your life plans. otherwise deal with it, get a shit job like the rest of the world and feel lucky that you even had dreams to begin with.

>>26047452
Not the end of the world though anon.
You actually graduated from college and have a bachelors in (I assume) bio.
You can probably find some lab work somewhere, it's shitty work and the pay is low, but at least people respect you some for it.

Also, consider vetrinary medicine. Way easier to get into vet school than real med school, and easier to get through it as well.

You won't make much money, but you'll have access to animal tranqs and some pain pills you can sell on the side.

>>26047518
It's ogre for this year which means I still have to face the family.

Guess I better start prepping now for a long summer of family mobbing; I mean I already know I'm graduating with honors.

>>26047547
Lol, just find an excuse to stall for a bit before going home and wait for someone else in the family to do something stupid. Then you can try to just hide behind that haha.

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>found out I have schizophrenia after I go inpatient at the hospital
>schizophrenia is considered the worst mental illness to have
>I used to be an all A's student, on the Dean's List and everything
>now I'm in danger of dropping out of my university
>have so much debt and don't know what I'm gonna do
>every night I see spiders all over the walls, swarms of flies, and spirits trying to grab me
>my only friends are the ghosts of stray cats that died near this house
>the cats protect me from the demons but they keep disappearing, off on ghost cat adventures I suppose
>just want to tear chunks of my brain out so that I can end this pain

Fuck, I wish lobotomy was still an option. The medication they've got me on pretty much lobotomizes me already, why not go the full distance?

>>26047463
I was trying to go into security studies. Can I even get my score up? I need to improve everything by at least 10 points and I don't know if I can do it or not.

>>26047484
I suppose you're right. I'm just in that phase right now where I can't look at myself without being labeled as a failure. I guess I'm just afraid of trying again.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to try and overcome the fear of failing? I'm not trying to be an attention whore, I'm just asking.

>>26047576
They've been waiting for me to fail at something for at least 5 years now. I mean the other adult children from my generation already failed and everyone knows that so they've sunk into low positions where they can't fail catastrophically anymore.

>>26047593
I know this is going to sound ridiculous anon, but try taking a breakthrough dose of dmt. I'm diagnosed schizo, I never had visuals like you, just auditory shit, but I was getting kinda bad for a bit.

A friend of mine gave me some shrooms, thinking they'd help. I had a bad trip, a very very very bad one, but I actually think it did help me in the long run, because it helped me actively fell my brain think. It helped me understand the difference between mind and reality which helps deal with the voices.

DMT is what really saved me though. It shows you that there's a world around this one, and this is just a flat and tiny image inside that larger world.

Drugs anon.

They will save you.

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I'm starting University next month and I'm scared for two reasons: I have no money and that I won't make any friends. I've been trying to get a job between the end of high school and the start of Uni, but no one fucking wants me which makes me feel like a freak (despite actually having work experience). I also don't really want to join any clubs at Uni because the people interested in the things I'm interested in tend to be really hard to be around, which I suppose must apply to me as well.

>>26047604
I know its cliche as fuck, but not trying at something is worse than trying and failing.
You actually finished undergrad and took the GRE. That's better than most of this board could ever dream of.

You can achieve something and you can work hard, you've already demonstrated that. Maybe you set your sights too high, but you can still do better than working at a grocery store or some shit.

Maybe start looking for a job with your undergrad, you might find something okay.

>>26047547
Look for some volunteer work or something, to keep yourself out of the house and can maybe put on your next med school app so you don't look like a loser neet.

>>26047604
Like cyber security or like forensics? But yeah you totally can, there is a lot of resources for it online and some testing places to practice it.

>overcome fear of failing
I haven't found anything either. I had that fear drilled into to me since I was born. I guess the best thing to do is to take that fear and make it a motivator. That sounds retarded normie talk but like failure, is something that will never stop.No matter how hard you work eventually you will fall short. So all you can do is not let it get to you. It is better to fear failure than let it happen and not care.All we can do is learn from it, and hopefully not repeat it.

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>had few meetings with a psychiatrist for the first time
>suspected asperger's, but we'll see where this is going
>blood pressure is ok, especially now after losing 28 kg last year
>routine blood tests on top of that, get to know results next thursday
>super anxious even though the results are probably ok because I don't have any other issues but mental issues
>tfw

>found a lump from my body some time ago, maybe last year or year before it
>small pea sized thing under the skin, not in the flesh or muscle, it moves a bit around when I fiddle with it
>not in any typical cancer spot like under armit, neck, chest, throat, balls etc. so that's good
>doesn't ache, itch etc. it's just there
>located on left side of my body, slightly angeled towards back, over the ribs, so even if it is bad it's not in any vital part of my body
>fits on every description of a cyst
>most likely just a cyst, but it still makes me anxious as fuck
>tfw

I already have a severe anxiety issues so shit like this is not helping at all. I get a new cancer scare every single week.

>tfw nobody ever responds to your posts

>>26047822
If you have insurance, than you can just ask a doctor about it. Probably they will say it's just a cyst, they might do a biopsy to make sure though.

Alternatively, start smoking cigs and you can give some weight to your fear of getting cancer.

>>26047697
I've already done a few hallucinogens, but never DMT. I plan on making my own ayahuasca sometime this year, once I get the money for supplies

I'm always scared of breaking through. I've only ever done it on dissociatives. I'm afraid I'm gonna be up and moving during the experience, and either I'll go out into the hallway and have one of my roommates see me or cut off my penis without knowing it or something. One shroom trip I had, my limbs were all moving completely on their own, without any input from me. They kept trying to make me jerk off. It was terrifying.

>>26047861
hi anon, i'll respond

>Try to kill myself
>Fail, go to the doctor to see if I did some irreversible damage
>Doctors tell my family
Now I'm forced to stay with my parents one week before uni exams. 4 months of studying to the fucking trash

>>26047873
An ayahuasca brew would be a great idea yeah.
I get being scared of breaking through. I think it can be worth it though.

>I'm afraid I'm gonna be up and moving
Trip sitter. I cannot stress that enough for something like ayahuasca, you are gonna want a sober sitter. You will almost certainly puke a hour or so after drinking it, and that's when the trip will start to get intense. You're gonna want someone to hold the bucket for you.

>>26047707
I have these fears as well. I have been in school for 3 semesters and those fears came true.I worked for the summer and fall after high school since I was wallowing in self pity and forgot to apply to uni.I am now at a shit local state school that I hate and often skip since I feel like a failure every time I go.I have made no friends and struggle with money.But really those problems are just carry overs from high school.Don't force yourself to do anything. don't fall for the normie meme of putting yourself out there or join a club. Only do it if you feel comfortable. Just forcing yourself well just bring you more pain and embarrass yourself for trying too hard.If you find a club you think sounds ok or find people you like then yeah go for it, but doing anything just for the sake of fear, its pointless.University is what you make of it.Life is what you make of it. Just carry on for now. Trust me all your fears will start to haunt you and make you more fearful and paranoid to where it paralyzes you. You can't make these fears go away but don't dwell on them before its too late.Good luck in school anon.

>tfw this thread was made for me

>>26047366

exactly same feels bro, 33 and still cant find something id really enjoy doing for life

>>26046213
>tfw i just fapped to furry shit
>i cried after ejaculating

What have I become?

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>Time to go to sleep early because i've got nothing to do
>Again
>I actually have things I should be doing
>But i'll do that tomorrow
>Again

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>tfw severe anxiety
>can't be normal around strangers
>constantly attacked by my own brain
>so many horrible memories
>No motivation / confidence that I can change
>stopped talking to many people because i don't think I'm worth anyone's time.
>lost half my family because of this
>lost all my friends because of self loathing
>not one person who cares about me
>every night I hope I don't wake up
>can't escape my nightmare that is consciousness

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>mfw I feel like I don't belong anywhere and the idea of someone even thinking of me when I'm not around seems so unreal
>mfw I can't just sleep my entire day away

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>>26048473
>>26048477
>>26048662
please just stop writing what I am thinking.This isn't fair.I don't know if its comforting or scary that other people have these same feels.

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im 18 and i believe i have already fucked myself up with drugs

i dont even use anything that bad, ive been using marijuana daily since i was 16, since i was 17 ive been tripping on dxm syrup like once a month, drinking alcohol when it is available

the thing is, im so fucking bored when i dont have it. im out of work and im broke and i have nothing to do. games feel boring, shows feel boring, r9k feels boring

i miss being halfway through a little pint bottle of bourbon feeling feels with other anons on r9k feeling like i could connect to people

i miss drinking tussin and going to the other place in my head listening to music or getting totally 100% immersed and invested in a video game even though its only been a month since the last time i did it

how the fuck do straight edge fags do it? i mean most of the time i think they're fags but 1% of the time i envy them

i go to the gym and lift, ive done that since i was 15 but thats only like 4 hours out of my week

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>>26048755
>mfw I will probably die loveless and a mess
>mfw whether or not I die by suicide is my choice

>>26047762
>>26047795

I know I'm just some random guy on the internet, but thank you.

>>26046907

>self harmed
>lady why you do this to me

Nigga are you fucking twelve?

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>trying no fap
>always tired as fuck
>trying to cut back on 4chan
>don't have anyone else to talk to so I keep coming back
>get bored after a while
>shitpost and get banned

>>26048832
You need to get out of my head Zac, its not funny anymore.

>tfw thought of 5 new offing ideas today
>new plan is do drive to the Pacific Ocean get fucking wrecked and drown myself in the ocean

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>>26048972
>you will never fake your own death to see how people react to your death
>you will never fake your own death and then run off to a new city to live the rest of your life as a mysterious but charming millionaire gatsby style

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>>26046213

>minding my own business
>getting on the subway
>realise the option of jumping
>remember that despite lowering life to 30-40% beta I have not stopped craving a quick death

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>>26048473
Too close to home, anon.

(fuck me, r9k, this comment is original enough.

>tfw haven't left the house in 6 months
>tfw when I did it was to go to the doctor
>tfw can't stand dealing with people

>>26047822
Its a fatty tumor faggot I have about 20 if not more some people just get them Ive had them for 14 years now and im 32 with routine dr appointments dont worry, they can be anywhere on body and small and grow bigger if it moves around ya good dont stress nigga been there done it

>>26047822
Well here is my bid healthy besides fucked in mental health blood test and pressure always good im overweight though but good, have this thing on my anus, its not a hemroid or wart maybe a skin tag from what a doctor said years ago it got bigger, rectal cancer anxiety is 90% doctors in a week fucckk

Today is my 21st birthday and I'm celebrating being able to buy alcohol by eating dinner alone at home.

today in class someone mentioned they went on a few 21 runs this past weekend - I just want one friend to drink with.

>>26046293
Is it bad this picture makes me feel comfy

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>live with Mom, no income
>All I can afford is a store brand dollar soda and bag of chips every week
>Am 20 cents short
>cashier pays the difference
T-t-t-thanks

>>26046213
Every time i walk in an open space with people around me i feel like i'm having a panic attack

>>26047861
here is a (You) for you anon.

>>26046713
Go play yugioh online and have every card ever madeer

>>26046713
These sound like my problems but I especially get the first one. And then basically not having money for things and being lonely. It doesn't just pertain to women I would orbit anyone who's nice and stable enough. If they are less stable then me I unfortunately can't handle it.

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>>26051938
>tfw online is better than irl since I don't have to see anyone.
>tfw MTG online is better than irl cause I don't have 3k for cards.
>tfw anything online is better than irl since I don't have money.
>tfw anything online is better than irl since I'm unattractive.

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>>26046213
I like this idea a lot, let's do this more often sempais

>>26047090
Also unreasonably ambitious, only thing I seem to have enough energy to do is to get myself committed to things that I later fail at doing. Even better, everybody knows I do this, so each time it's harder to convince them, and each time I just prove them right.

>>26046213
I've found a way to cure this. I talk to myself while shopping.

Just told my parents about what happened. They rescinded not allowing me to take a gap year so I will be able to stay home for a year to make my application better to try again or to try to get a job.

But if I don't get in school or a real technical job using my degree (or some other technical shit like programming) by June 2017 I'm getting thrown out.

All this followed by:
>Don't worry and try to get your mind off of this.

Literally what the fucking shit. They jut told me that I'm getting thrown to the dogs in a year.

>>26047795
Definitely going to do moar community service and will be taking medical foreign language classes.

>go to see psychiatrist for the first time
>tell him im hearing voices in my head
>was raped a lot when i was about 5-6 and think its probably fucked me in ways i dont realise
>consider suicide daily
>he tells me to come back in a couple of months to see if im feeling better

did he think i was lying to get drugs or something