Dick did the thinking thread

jerked off my friend (not to completion)
or
drank my own piss

hard to choose..

Acting like a creep when near my cousin. This might escalate at some point

>>26041789
I fucked a little girls oriented plush after a long nofap and it felt great. I need to get a fleshlightw

Fucked a watermelon. I was young and really wanted to have sex with something, pillows wouldn't work, so I fucked a fruit.

>>26041875
try a banana skin. peel so its only split in 1 place, then grip it around your dick. feels good man

>>26041942
Eh, I felt with a bigger fruit I could actually thrust.

>>26041942
Wtf, elaborate on this

>>26041789
Literally fucked a couch.

Fapped with people sleeping next to me.

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>my friend's girlfriend's little kid had a pink elephant plushie

I fucked it and came inside while I stayed the night and also used the baby oil for lube, stuffed it in the couch cushions.

>have done several cum tributes to cartoon characters

>filled a sock up with a full bottle of lube and proceeded to fuck the huge gooey balloon for all of two seconds before I came mega hard

>let a fat bitch with huge tits cuck me good because I was so desperate and horny

Also I'll add - weirdest place you've fapped?

>>26041999
A restaurant, I was horny as hell that night

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>>26041999
A fucking park, woods, behind a shed in someone's garden area, a village street, school toilets (quite a lot), friends living room while he was there, changing room with another kid and twice in a 4 person hotel room on a snowboarding school trip.

>>26042084
(I regret none of it and like jerking it in unusual places)

>>26041964
sure, but its not convenient
>>26041981
pretty obvious. peel banana, remove banana, grip skin over ur dick, now fap/thrust how u like. its more lubed than u think, the peel basically falls apart a bit, but u grip and fap an it feels p good. try it, probably good for your skin as well who knows

Stuck a finger in my ass
Felt fucking weird

>>26041999
Checked. The weirdest place that I beat my shit was probably underneath my oneitis front porch. I was skelly enough at the time to just fit under. I started to jack it covered in dirt and spiderwebs. There were bugs crawling around and on me, but I didn't care cause I wanted to nut as close to her As I could. After I finished I freaked out, took a long look at my life and went to sleep after I left:
>tfw I got necrosis from a spider bite that day.

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>>26041789
I've scoured, stolen and downloaded entire books, comics, torrented films and games.

All to get at a female's fart scene I came across hearing about.

masturbated to pictures of my own ass

>>26042158
But did you get the scene?

And can I see it?

tasted my sperm
bad feel fAm

>>26041981
Heres the perfect instructional video for it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z7XGkimEhs

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>>26042202
I ALWAYS get the scene.
This is not a single instance, this is my way of life.
Like a depraved werewolf, who succumbs to his natures when nature infrequently commands... When I seldom get the scent kek from varied places and mediums, often of people just complaining about the appearance of such low-brow humor, involving females.
Then i'm on the case.
I'll search for days, download for hours.

I didn't even mention the cartoons i've sifted through for 3 seconds of lustful curiosity.
I'm not proud of it.

When i was young and i didnt know about masturbation i use to chug water and pee all over myself in the tub. One time i chewed like 10 pieces of gum and put it all over my dick and went pee. I put the gum back in my mouth but it tasted disgusting

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>>26042326
>put it all over my dick and went pee.
>I put the gum back in my mouth

>>26042279
I have done this to a lesser extent, anon. I haven't downloaded much, but looking on youtube or video streaming sites for girl fart scenes in film/TV is what I do.

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I've topped you all. I've cum in my own mouth while fucking myself with a dildo.

I drank a cup of my own old cum while masturbating, saving the moment where i swallow my cum until I'm about to cum.

I've seen tranny hookers and had them fuck me and jerk me off until I cum. I've wasted probably 5 thousand dollars on tranny escorts.

I've fucked myself with a little souvenir bat with a condom on it doggy style all the while eating my precum, only to eventually devour a handful of my own cum.

I've fingered my own ass with up to three fingers while jerking off.

I've jerked off to the most vicious rape and abuse porn ever and have had luscious shameful orgasms.

Normal masturbation just doesn't cut it for me anymore.

Mfw I'm not gay though.

>>26042443
gonna need that vicious rape and abuse porn.

>lay down in tub while shower is on
>piss all over self

>>26042443
>being proud of this
I hate that /r9k/ wont embrace a savior like you

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>>26042426
It's an ugly, deplorable habit. But it is mine.
It won't ever pay off for anything man, I wish I could erase it entirely.

Oh christ and the vines. The vines i've seen!
http://i.4cdn.org/gif/1453721204601.webm

>>26042454
Give me a sec

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>>26041789
Used my sleeping female friends and my sisters hand to jerk myself off while they where asleep

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>>26042506
I hope you enjoii'd.

>>26041789
I've talked to a girl. Top that

>>26042516
I did, i still do it when i get the chance

>>26042499
tfw farted at the same time without even knowing what the video was

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>>26042443
>not gay
I mean you might not be gay gay, but you ain't straight lol

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>>26042589
>gay gay
>Gay squared

>>26041789
ur mum /b/ro
cool story green text
y/n
>>?

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>>26042569
>squared
Could have went without knowing, but thanks for sharing.

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doggy style fap wearing my sisters training bra and imagining getting railed from behind

>>26042454
This should point you in the right direction. If you google max faktor 11 you can torrent it. I remember downloading just this specific scene though back in the day

http://forum.jerkoffzone.net/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=336433

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>>26041829
Done
>>26041875
Done
>>26041942
Done
>>26041983
Done both
>>26042115
Done

I've also

>fucked a PBJ sandwich
>fucked a jar of peanut butter
>fucked a homemade sponge fleshlight
>masturbated while wearing my sister's panties
>masturbated with my fat cousins shit stained panties on my face while inhaling violently
>fucked my friends couch pretending it was his mom at a sleepover
>grandma walked in on me fucking a pillow at her house
>masturbated to a video of myself masturbating

A-am I a degenerate?

>>26041789
I humped my pillow. It felt good

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melted cheese on my balls

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>>26042781
>Tfw it runs down your ass crack and little Angus licks it up

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Pic is what I will eventually become

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This shit is weak.
I made my autistic (literally autist) little cousin sit on my diamond dick, forced him to jerk me off, and told him my semen was soap. For the next few years, everytime I saw him, he would reach for my dick and I would have to avoid him or else my family would get suspicious.

>>26042883
>nigga you gay.png

>>26042883
Reported sicko

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>>26042933
Stop being a touchy nigger

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>Found youtube account a few months ago
>It is a woman baking cakes and stuff
>Find her very attractive
>one day I am fapping to her videos again, she is making some brownies
>get really really horny
>get up
>go to the supermarket, buy all the ingredients to make brownies, still feeling pretty aroused
>come home and bake them
>cum inside them
>eat them while I watch her video, pretending that I am her eating my cum brownies
>do this every few days now with different recipes
>parents are starting to wonder why I am spending all my NEETbux on flour, will have to make them cum brownies or something soon


This is the youtube account if anyone wants to fap
https://www.youtube.com/user/CupcakeJemma

>>26043127
im telling her what you did

Did anyone else pre-fapping days used to look at porn with their dick hard, doing nothing? I used to pull my pants down just have my dick hard and do nothing, watch porn for hours.

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>>26043157
Anon is gonna eat cum cakes and cry alone in a room after she shuts down her channel

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>>26043251
I decided against it, she has 500k subs, so I highly doubt she even cares what people think

You may continue with your cumcakes

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>>26042747
What the actual fuck dude
May I suggest a psychiatrist

>>26043161
Yes actually, one day i saw some porn where the guy was jacking off so I put two and two together and the rest is history


To amswer OP, I once jacked off on a bus

>>26041789
Jacked off in a kindergarten at 10 PM. It had a guard who didn't care so teenagers often snuck in there to drink beer

humped an exercise ball

i hate my shitty fetishes

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you are, all of you beneath me

only if you suck off a dog can touch my plane of degeneracy

fucking normies

>>26043127
Pretty damn funny.
Good stuff, enjoy your baked goods.

>>26041999
Local train, was alone in first class for a few stops.

It's the best and the worst place I've fapped at the same time.

>>26041789
Fucked jello
That's it, but man let me tell you, never fuck jello, that shit has no traction, it dissolves with heat, and it stains everything it touches
Fuck jello

>>26043739
I did that, also swallowed.
Worst thing I can recall is masturbating while getting my balls licked by my dog, while sucking off my cat and then masturbating my other dog with my foot (female dog.).
Would have did crazy shit if I had relatives or siblings.

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>>26041789
I licked a girl's feet while she was sleeping.

>>26042747
Why do you fuck everything?

>>26043839
did she not wake up?

>>26041810
>jerked off my friend
hot

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>masturbated while wearing panties
>masturbated on cam for people
>browsed craigslist and messaged dudes saying i wanted to blow them and be fucked while fapping
>shaved body and spent night subbing on some website where people request you to do shit and take pictures
>feelings of disgust right after i jizz

I consider myself almost totally straight

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>>26041999
I once fapped on an airplane. I went to a 3rd world country for a month which means no porn for a month. Seeing all of those hot stewards made me horny like never before.

At least now I can say that I came with a speed of 300 km/h.

>>26044775
Fuuuuck. I know this feel all too well

>>26042252
there was a thread where everyone tried it and I did it later, unpleasant and salty. Don't regret, since now I won't wonder.

>>26042426
I've paused a show several times and played back in slow motion when one chick kisses another really quick. on an actual tv.

i pissed in my boyfriend's sneaker and drank it

>>26043161
I used to do that when I first found my uncle's magazine stash. I'd just look at all the pictures, wouldn't even touch myself. I don't even remember why or how I started masturbating but one day I did and my life has been ruined ever since.

>>26043835
have jacked off a few dogs, sucked one off but not to completion, jacked off while a dog licked my asshole, had one mount me but couldn't find the hole and he scratched me pretty bad so I stopped it.

>>26041999
In the street, middle of the night, i was really drank, horny and lonely

>>26044775
When it comes to online sex I find there are those you do it with that make you feel like shit afterwards, then the ones that make you cosy and satisfied. I think it depends on how degrading you go.

>>26044691
No, she was drunk and passed out in my couch.

>>26045729
that's my dream

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>Took requests in a thread on /soc/, all above underwear, to see if I liked the attention
>Almost got in a drunken threesome with ex and current girlfriend, came to my senses
>ERP'd over voice chat to a string of onlone "girlfriends" I met on Omegle

I'm like a C+/B- level degenerate.

>>26041789
High school, fucked a guy with Downs Syndrome, he was wearing his sisters dress ans a wig, I wanted to fuck his sister so bad, but she was Korean and way out of my league, he was pretty high functioning, I told him about my crush, he offered to take her place, I fucked him for three years, until I went in the Army after school, we both worked at the library in my hometown, five years later she is fat and has two kids by two different black guys, and he still looks pretty good in a dress

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>>26046592
That's fucking hilarious, even if it isn't real

Girl on my street growing up, we were 14, the summer before high school.
She asked what I would do for a handjob?
Told her I would eat her shit.
She agreed. Watched her shit in a bowl. I spread some of her shit on bread and added grape jelly and ate a shit sandwich, for a handjob.
She laughed and said she lied, ran home, never got the handjob.
She told everyone, couldn't go to school, told my parents, they sent me to live with my Grandparents.
My Dad was disappointed in me we didn't speak for a year

>>26046689
All true, his name is Jim (James), he still works at my hometown library.

>>26046783
Are you bisexual?

>>26044775
Shiiiiit, I know that feeling

>>26041789
Could go for some beans on toast now.

Texted my sister and flirted with her. Fucked her a month or so later.

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>hey this might be an interesting thread
>read 4 posts
>close tab
I don't know why I thought this would be fun to read

>>26047503
>reopen tab to post about your disappointment

>>26041789
>fucked landwhales
>fucked 4/10s
>lent money to a girl who I had previously fucked
>wasted countless hours chasing other girls who I never got to fuck

I can't help it senpai I need to fuck

>>26047430
same lad, might fry an egg too

Used tooth paste as lube because i thought it would feel different
>burned my dick

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I pretend to be a girl and ERP with strangers in chatrooms

Pic related, it's me! :^)

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>took roll of toilet paper
>carefully took out cardboard tubing
>put around 6 slices of bacon into the hole and secured them at both sides with rubber bands
>heated it with a hairdryer a little bit
>lubed it up
>fucked it
felt pretty good tbqhwy

Seems like a lot of you should just buy an onahole

I use to masturbate in a full parking lot.

One day, I was so horny that I took a creepshot of a girl's tits I was conversating with, went to the bathroom and blew the biggest load ever.

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this thread proves that you can be gender-queer without being a piece of shit tumblr sjw, and it's actually pretty normal

>>26041999
>>26044878
Same here. I just put a blanket on, closed my eyes, and slowly stroked myself.

>>26042739
that scene was fucking righteous
not even the most execrable shit I've fapped to though

>>26042469
well he is not a virgin so that means he should be banned, not sure when you never got the memo, thats why this board was made,

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>>26041789
Stuck one of these in my ass in the shower.

Decided I wanted it deeper and proceeded to feed nearly 2 feet of it into my intestines. Then I turned the water on and felt myself fill up with water, I slowly pulled it out as the water was coming out and it was covered in shit.

I proceeded to piss murky brown shitwater out my ass for the next half hour and got a terrible stomach ache.

The next time I was in the shower and horny I did it again.

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>Junior High french club trip to Quebec
>Only one in hotel room because I wanted to sleep in rather than get breakfast
>Start masturbating because morning wood and the danger of being caught makes me even hornier
>Hear girls voices outside door
>Look through the peephole
>Bunch of girls in the group have come back from swimming in the pool and are all in their swimsuits and are going into their room across from ours and I'm staring and I'm jerking it and they don't know

Didn't get caught or anything but felt pretty silly afterwards

>>26047628

>he can fit his dick into a toilet paper roll

dicklet confirmed

>>26041999
In class, staring at my crush at the time

>>26042506
This thread is for weird shit not normie shit.

Guarantee that if a guy knew the chick wouldnt wake up all guys would do this.

>>26041999
The hot tub in the gym I used to go to, because the foam from the bubbles would hide me. I once finished and some teenaged girls got in. This was back when I was maybe 15.

I went on a spree of taking badly formed creepshots.

Another incident

>in bio class bored
>see girl next to me with legs open wide like a dude
>suddenly imagined myself as her masturbating and taking a dick from Chad.
>world was spinning around me
>I was moaning in my head
.came pre-cum all over my jeans
>afterwards have an existential crisis for the remainder of bio class to see if I'm really gay
>after class, went to the bathroom and jerked and came pretty hard.

>>26041789
>touched my friend's penis
It's so gross and cut. I feel sick thinking about it.

had weird kinky sex

>>26047855
taking the cardboard tube out makes it so you can expand the paper much more, perhaps you should consider using the brain

>>26043127
i'm not on your level, but there's a chick i used to watch on youtube (lost her channel now) that would do baking and shit. But the deal was that she would always wear a top that showed off cleavage when she bent over and nipples. Slightly older overweight lady, and totally not doing the tits thing for the views, played totally straight which is what made it fappable.

>>26041789
I once tried to make a sexual toy out of a toilet paper cardboard, some rags and a ziplock.

Almost worth it.

>>26048072
Fuck my friend sent me one of these a while back.
Bumping for sauce tho.

>>26041789
lads i just cooked exactly the pic in the op. wouldnt recommend it :(

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>>26041789
There was this one time with a 10/10 girl (literally the most beautiful thing you'll ever see)

Was standing/walking infront of me during a highschool hiking trip. I basically walked behind her the whole way becouse of how absolutely amazing her ass looked in those yoga pants she was wearing that day. The best part of the hike was these makeshift stiars made out of wood that we had to clime at a very steep angle, this showed off her assets very nicely.

This was all just a build up to a very autistic moment of mine. She stood infront of me when we had to wait becouse our classmates were slow to cross. At this point her garden of eden was beckoning to me. I walked up behinde her and not so smooth like I bumped my package against her ass.
>feels good man
She turned her head a bit and I just stood a few inches to the side mineding my own business as if I did nothing wrong, she assumed I just bumped into her with all these rowdy children around.

I feel like an absolute peice of shit to this day

>pic related what it looked like

>>26041999
>woods
>cafe toilet
>every single bathroom at college
>train toilets
>back of a classroom (attempted)
>back of a school coach
>friend's living room
>pool changing room
>various hotel rooms
>at my old school with a mate for a dare, came on a window
Yeah, I'm pretty fucking weird.

>using piss as lubricant
>self sucked and came in own mouth once, didn't swallow.
>Gadren Hose enemas (literally inserting a hose in my anus and turning it on)

I actually used to do the enemas after school. No one came home til 5 and I had an oz of dank that I was smoking erryday. the weed got me super horny and made me do weird stuff.

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>family go on holiday for 10 days
>decide to spice things up a bit
>put on some of mum's clothes
>a short tartan skirt and tank top
>camwhore for 10 minutes on Omegle
>go to put on a pair of panties
>see some weird piss/female fluid stain
>feel weird, grossed out and ashamed
>stop
>watch TV in silence for the rest of the night

Nothing when I'm hard. But when I was 6 I used to take the holes in CD's and try to put my dick in the middle.

>>26049820
yep.
>be house sitting while my brother and his gf are away
>one night put on black skirt and tank top.
>apply black gothic lipstick
>jerk off
>all the clothing was stretched to shit
>panic

I...I just wanted to be pretty for once in my life.

>>26049719
>came on a window
What, he didn't dare you to cum in his ass crack? That would have been epic.

>>26041999
Nice trips.

>fapped on the roof of the school's third story building shirtless
It was like... 3 in the afternoon on a Sunday too

I made tender love to a jar of preserves once.

>>26042747
I have done all of this also, minus the grandmas pillow part

I want to die but at least i know it's not just me

>>26049910
He couldn't guarantee he would've said no homo afterwards so I didn't do it, the fucking faggot

>>26049953
>tender love
not tendies love

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>>26049881
T-that's pretty hot, man.

Story about my bro's gf
>parents away
>brother's gf is staying over
>they go out for a while
>notice her panties on the floor
>get hard
>cautiously squat over them whilst masturbating
>eventually take all my clothes off
>aggressively masturbate with panties wrapped round my dick
>cum with the force of a thousand suns
>suddenly panic
>manage to catch my cum in my hand midair with ninja reflexes I never even knew I possessed
>fucking close one
>hear the door open downstairs
>panic again
>quietly run to the bathroom
>wipe cum off hand and whip clothes back on
>pretend I've just finished having a shit

Overall great success.

>>26050190

I used to do that all the time with my little sister's dirty panties.

>>26041999
Nursing home toilet. Was there for work experience.

Lick the cum off the tissue after having stuck a screwdriver up my ass

That was a weird day
I came the most ever but didnt really feel the so called prostate stimulation

>>26041999
airplane toilet or a 'psychiatric' jail cell, like where they arrest you and take your clothes give you this sack thing and put you in an empty concrete room with no windows or anything

Fucked a grapefruit :C

fml

>>26041999
A fucking airplane and also in a bathroom in the Arch in St. Louis.

>>26041789
>weirdest thing you've ever done when horny
Posted pic of bean sandwich on robot board.

masturbated with a warm fresh tortilla

>>26049818
And they say pot is a harmless drug.

used to do enemas in the shower a lot, one time I put almost two liters of water in

also I have been known to shit in the shower, rub it all over myself like smear it everwhere including my dick and jack off with hunks of shit smearing all over my hand and dick. I have also been known to shit and then put it back in and shit it again

occasionally I'll go out in public wearing a buttplug just cos, and I'm slowly working up to fisting myself

yes I have tasted and swallowed my shit

>>26042326

This made me flinch

>>26043127
this is fuckin great

>have massive diaper fetish
>go to the bathroom in a restaurant.
>kinda horny, haven't fapped all day
>go to stall
>see diaper changing station
>open it.
>nothin'
>check trash can next to it.
>jackpot.
>a wet one
>put it the ground.
>wrap toilet paper around my finger as a makeshift finger condom
>touch it
>squishy. Just like ive always imagined.
>dick is diamonds.
>Jack off and shoot a massive load on the floor
>put the diaper back in the trash can.
>eat some dinner and leave.

>>26041999
To be honest I'm really not a robot -just a bit introverted- but it's this category that I definitely excel at:
-Airplane toilet
-Airplane seat stroking myself under the blanket sitting next to my mom, came into my pants (this was an other flight as the above one)
-Uni library toilet, in a cramped stall with those doors that don't go all the way down
-In my sleeping bag with 2 of my friends sleeping in the same room. I came into my worn sock that happened to by lying next to me
-In middle school classroom. Didn't jack off but rubbed my legs together during a test (there was a picture of a pretty woman on my science book) and spent the rest day of class with cum in my underwear


Also, to answer OP's question:
I have a fetish for girls pissing themselves.
I had a period in puberty where I liked to piss myself. My mom once caught me with pissed pants in my room. I was just sitting on a chair in my room with piss all over my pants and the chair.
She also often found wet pants and socks lying around in my room. Damn, my parents must've thought I was a fucking lunatic.

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Let's see, that'll be a long list..

>Stole babysitter's used underwear and tampons, jerked off, hid said clothing under bed
>Wrapped self in cling film
>Bought massive girls' underwear for myself and shit in them

I've considered fucking a horse I was so horny

I got an STD from a 41 year old crackhead I met on Craigslist in December.
Didn't know about the crack until she pulled out a pipe as I pulled out my dick.

>>26041999
at an old couple's house that I was at to craft a wooden bowl from a lathe.

>>26042516
fuck i love this gif

Masturbated in front of an open window. A little kid watched me.

> be me
> be female
> staying with parents on vacation, haven't cum in like 3 weeks
> every month I basically go into heat for like a week
> in heat
> can't move my legs without being slightly stimulated
> actually can't take it anymore, tell my parents/sister I have to shower
> turn on water, I don't have my vibrator and I want more than just hands
> sisters toothbrush is on the counter
> no
> yeS
> use 12 y/o sister's toothbrush as a vibe
> best masterbation session ever
> my sister still uses that toothbrush

So worth, really.

>>26051979
>> every month I basically go into heat for like a week
Yeah, that's generally how mammals work.

>>26052095
Fuck I thought only like dogs and cats went into heat until I was around 17. My friend had to explain it to me in like junior year.

>>26052200
What? Women go into heat like dogs?

>>26051582
did you not wrap up? what STD did you get?

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>>26041789
probably the time i went on cl making advertisements nad responding to them trying to get laid. at the time it seemed reasonable.

next day have existential crisis and feel really weird about trying ot go on there looking for sex. delete the email account.

Solicited underage girls for nudes online

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>>26048204
Ahhhh

A fellow fap engineer

Shall we share notes?

Try incorporating a freezy hot pack

I heated it in hot water and taped it around my dick, then I fucked it

Sadly I cried after I finished

7/10 experience