Do you ever feel like a monkey? Like you can see how everyone's primal desires motivate their actions? When they speak you hear them say "ooga booga oog oog", caveman stuff. You can see why they do what they do and it feel so basic, so simple. I know it's obvious, but we're just stinking apes. It's disgusting. I wish we could rise above that.
There's a girl I feel strongly about, but she's 900km away from me and most likely feels contempt for me at best. I still feel a strong urge to call her even though what I feel is most likely temporary and not love, and nothing good can happen even if she feels the same way about me.
When I was 16 I had a weird relationship with one of my teachers. At the time I thought it was a mentor and mentee relationship. Now I realize that he was probably a closet pedophile and the things we did were vaguely sexual. I was just to naive to realize it.
I'm not okay at all. I'm trying to leave. It's hard for me too. Can't we just play games together? Maybe if we don't speak to each other we can get along. My intentions aren't even clear to myself. I just know this isn't healthy. I can't stay.
I was saving this for a "Write a letter to someone who may never read it" thread. Guess this will do.
I'm not ready.
I know you made your situation clear before we dated, in fact, it was probably among the first three sentences that came out of your mouth. "I'm a mom" you said to me, as if excusing yourself for having attracted me. I also remember glazing over it, and addressing it by saying "I love kids, I have a four year old brother so I sometimes feel like a parent too!"
I remember having lunch together that day, and even though you looked beat from what must have been a sleepless night I know I managed to keep your attention because you never noticed what must have been a milk stain on your coat. I took that as an opportunity to get close to you and point out, "You got a little something right there." and you pulled back, but I grabbed your hand and you didn't let go. I remember things being awkward after that, and I know you were careful not to get attached. From the very beginning it was me who was pursuing you. The attraction was mutual, that was clear from the start, but I did this and for that I am sorry.
I want you to know that you've meant an awful lot to me. You were the first girlfriend who didn't cheat. The first girl to say "I love you" first. The only one whose devotion I didn't question. Don't think this is because you're a mother, and definitely don't take it against the child. I fell in love with your motherly qualities. Being a mother only made you a better woman, never regret it. I remember you flirting with me by being condescending and generally treating me like a child. I remember tracing your stretch marks with my fingertips.
I will always remember how welcoming and warm your family was, something I never had growing up since our extended family is divided into cliques. You know my family isn't as accepting of you, but don't think it was their influence that makes me do this because you know very well I'm not afraid to piss them off.
I know you supply for your child independently, and I also know money wouldn't be an issue seeing how we both work and our combined incomes would make us squarely middle-class. I'm also aware I still live with my parents, and in that regard you're so far ahead of me I can honestly say you have more to offer me than the other way around. I know if I stayed with you and came into his life I would most likely be the only father he knew. I know he too would give me preference over his bio-dad. The last thing I would want to do is come into his life only to leave later, he doesn't need two fathers' abandonment.
You've done nothing wrong, and have done nothing to deserve this. When you met my ex had just left me for her ex, because he was better at sex. As you can imagine, I felt worthless. All that went away when I was with you,the way you made me feel priceless. Now I'm afraid it is me who will take away your confidence. Do not take this upon yourself, you are an exemplary woman and a wonderful mother. It's me that's not ready to be father.
I'm truly sorry.
I cut off the wrong section last post, I only sa "I'm truly sorry " at the end
I know you like me and I like you. I've made it evident to you that I'd like to be more than friends, but I can't show it in real life. There's some mental barrier keeping me from being happy with you, and honestly all this stress that you've been going through is because of the mind-games I've been playing with you, but I'll never have the guts to say that to your face. I feel like I've used you and will continue to mess with your brain, both accidentally and purposefully. I would stop myself if only I knew how. Love, Anon
She updated her Facebook photo to one of her and her boyfriend, so I think it's time I put the nail in that coffin.
Also fuck you, shark, you broke the bro code and I will probably never forgive you. What you did to H and A is fucking iredeemable. You sack of shit you've had it good with C for all these years and throw it away for fucking nothing while stepping on our friends in the process. Fuck you. I hope your parents DO get divorced and you have to live on your fucking own for once. You burnt too many bridges, cocksucker.
My mom wants to drag me into the outside world for a few hours tonight We're gonna go see a movie that I can't remember the name of for which she got the tickets for f r e e, and then we're going to TGI Fridays with a 1 meal and 2 drinks get 1 meal free coupon The only problem is that I'm really, really tired and want to sleep, but the coupons expire tomorrow and I really want to spend time with her, partly because she's really cool and partly because if I don't come she wont go out at all and it makes me sad just thinking about her missing opportunities because I'm not around I'm also dodging an overwhelming feeling of existential dread to which my only reason to live is the fact that there's also no reason for me to die
Life is a weird cruel chugging smokestack of a system. if you are born poor its rigged.
liberals make life hard socially by outlawing free speech, and dumbing us down by making education about muh feelings. everything is a pc dystopia
conservatives poison our water, rig the system to make big companies thrive. make everybody poor.
college is useless brings you nothing but debt. and a normal life is fucking boring and meaningless
How can fucking anyone just live get up every day do the same fucking thing all the time. fill themselves with bacon filled fried grease and booze on the weekends to distract themself. have a few kids, get divorced and if lucky retire to florida and die. and you are forgetten in 50 years.
all the while we are floating on a god damn rock, and everything that exists is fueled by water, and radiation from a fucking flaming ball of gas also floating around by us. what it really boils down is. this planet is a weird combo between hell, a factory farm, and some weird brain damaged freakshow. and i figure we have a front row seat.
if you try to find meaning in life you will be let down.. all life is is literal shitposting but instead of a post its everything you know. everything is a weird demented parody of itself
people have always been killing each other, been greedy, lying, manipulative cunts. things were never better in the past. things will never be better in the future.
you have one fucking life. you can live it giving half of your money to the government voting for the same people every few years like a damn lemming.
or you can try to be some diehard activist and try to change shit in vain.
but the only true way to achieve happiness is honestly to not give a single fuck. treat life if it were just a video game. the best graphics most realistic, most expansive RPG game. but you have no respawn. either live it carefully and boring or go fucking balls to the wall.
its rigged and the only way to win is to fuck around and cheat.
Make a job out of applying, I remember I had to send out over 100 applications/resumes before landing my second job.
As for the interview skills, there's tons of resources on YouTube by professional coaches and recruiters. Watch those, as many as you can. Go into an interview thinking of it as a chance to practice your verbal judo, not a shot at a job.
Lastly, go to your local public library and ask the librarian for help/resources on building a resume and cover letter.
Once you're sitting in a waiting room full of unemployed losers competing for the same minimum wage job, you'll realize how much better off than most of them you are. I've seen a 19 year old single mother show up to her interview with a child in a stroller and another in her arms. If nothing else, it made me glad I wasn't her.
>seen this video https://youtu.be/M9nSU80DdvQ >wonder how i found it >listen to the audio ignoring visuals >can't remember the name of anime >been thinking about it whole day >told my coworker to fuck off because i almost had it >coworker no longer talks to me >he was the only nice person there
>where i heard it bothers me more than the relationship with the coworker
Could somebody please tell me which anime this OP belongs to? I feel like i've seen it in 90s, it has this Yu Yu Hakusho feeling to it but i can't remember it and it's making me crazy.
i'm too useless to do any work, but i know i won't be able to leech off my parents after i finally fail out - amazed i even got to five dismissal appeals. too much respect for them, they're too good to me. there's even other people i could leech off of, but i don't want to do that. i wish there was something i really liked, i'd be able to that even if i was bad at it and it barely made any money. i don't have any options, i don't know what to do. i sleep all day and i'm still tired. i don't feel like i can be honest with anyone, really. every social interaction feels like walking on eggshells, but that's got to be my fault, i'm the only constant. it seems as though everything has always worked out in the end somehow, but i've fucked too many and too important things to luck out now. i feel so trapped, and i can't even accurately articulate the feeling. fuck me
I don't want to fuck a girl who is literally throwing herself at me and I don't know if it's because she is annoying as hell or that I'm actually gay. I just stopped caring about girls altogether and I browse through the daily Hamill-lust threads on /tv/, I don't fucking know anything anymore. I'm fucking confused and my dad would disown me if I turned out to be gay.
>>26042590 He doesn't bother me about it, I had a girlfriend before. I don't actually believe that I'm gay, I'm just disinterested in girls, because I can't find one who even remotely intrigues me. It's just that at the same time I feel like I could live my life with another man, like some non-sexual relationship.
>>26042398 I'm boring and uninteresting, it is so hard for me to keep up with a conversation, like, I often don't know what to say, my conversation skills just seem to be nonexistant. I'm also a pathological liar, I can finally keep it under control online, but not offline. My personality seems to be nonexistant too, it is really hard for me to think about something I like. I'm also really dumb, everyone seems to be much more intelligent than me. My humor seems also to be dead, like, when I try to talk with people I can never say something funny, I can only talk seriously and even that is extremely hard for me. There are just better alternatives for friends everywhere, I am just worthless
>>26042655 Like a roommate? Nothing gay about a roommate. Or like, a super intense friendship? Turk and JD from Scrubs style?
it sucks that that girl isn't interesting you. i mean that not in a "bro you gotta go pound that puss!" way, but in a "maybe there's more to her than you realize or see right now" kind of way. but then again, I don't her, I don't know you. I don't know your history with this girl. but try to find the value in everyone you meet, you know?
>>26042719 >I'm also a pathological liar, I can finally keep it under control online, but not offline. My personality seems to be nonexistant too, it is really hard for me to think about something I like. I'm also really dumb, everyone seems to be much more intelligent than me. My humor seems also to be dead, like, when I try to talk with people I can never say something funny, I can only talk seriously and even that is extremely hard for me. There are just better alternatives for friends everywhere, I am just worthless
Sooo, me? You me? Salutations, me. How've you been?
>>26042609 You don't need to tell me anything. I can find out most facts, whether or not you speak. The only thing I can't know for sure is how you feel and if you show vulnerability, I won't use it against you. I can't bear to hurt those who show pain. Every monster has its weak point.
>>26042719 >not smart >not funny >tfw can't stop lying even when I don't want to and it's so hard for everyone including me to understand and everyone thinks I'm fucking evil for it I can sympathize with everything else. Are you sure you're not just selling yourself short? You're not a girl, are you anon?
>>26040814 I won't say it or show it, but I am scared. Life as I know is about to change and I am not sure if I am ready. I am just so alone and unsure. I just want someone to hold me and say that I am going to make it.
I hate the distance between everyone. It seems wrong, media is just a middleman. I wish feelings were taken as they were given instead of misconstrued and warped in the effort to interpret them. I wish it wasn't so, I feel so lonely and alone condemned to spend a lifetime within a single skull.
>>26042754 Yeah actually something like JD and Turk. Now that you mention it I would like something like that.
Also this girl is literally the epitome of everything I hate in women. She speaks in a really posh, annoying manner, she listens to indie rock and she is also in this super pretentious indie band, she is a third wave feminist and she always says shit like "ALL THE GUYS ARE SUCH ASSHOLES" even though I helped her at a party when she was drunk beyond comprehension and didn't hit on her at the same time. But on the other hand she has the biggest fucking tits I've ever seen in my life IRL. MASSIVE FUCKING MAMMARIES. So it's more like a self given challenge to fuck her so I can tick it off my "to do in life" list.
>>26042537 i wrote a big mess of an essay trying to give a good answer to this, but to try to condense everything: i try to be a good/nice/friendly person but it doesn't come easily to me and feels exhausting, i used to lie a lot but changed my habits after realizing how it affects people, i find myself judging small things to an unreasonable extent, and peoples' reactions towards me when i try to be genuine confuse me and aren't consistent between people or even from the same person. on top of that, language is my go-to in dealing with things, on both an interpersonal and an intrapersonal/artistic level, but when it comes to things like this - interacting with others and dealing with my own feelings towards things - i just feel inept, and i can never quite get across the feeling i want to. it feels like i can't make a proper connection with someone because the wire is the wrong type and the ends are frayed, something like that.
i do better than i'm probably making it out, honestly. i know a lot of people malign the 'keeping it bottled up' strategy, but most people don't even know i'm a hyper-insecure moron. i adopt an easygoing and playful attitude when i try to talk to people, but i don't think i have much of a real personality when i drop the facade, like i'm doing here. most of the time i don't enjoy talking to people even though i feel like i should. sometimes i wish i had the opportunity to be truly alone for any extended period of time, as i would then probably learn that i don't actually like the feeling of being isolated, either. i don't think i'll ever really get to have that experience, though.
don't wanna type an entire third blogpost but i'd rather not add anyone on skype though i appreciate the gesture more than i could demonstrate in a post on a a sri lankan needleworking forum
Sometimes I think about how my stepdad, being 70 years old and black, was once a 20something in the prime of his life, working and making a shitload of money off of bro-tier construction/masonry unions, running around with his dudes and having fun, and now after having raised two sons who are now 30? years old each and outliving the wife he had them with, he's still working to finance my mom and get my sisters through high school and college and it makes me really, really depressed. It's even worse that my mom reminds him of his old wife at least once a week by mentioning how there's still a garage full of stuff his old wife bought and never worn/used back in the 80's, and he doesn't say anything about it and nothing will ever be said to her about it now that I'm out of that house and that he's only staying with her to see my sisters through college until they leave the house, but then he'll be late 70s. I don't want to watch my dad die sad, guys.
>>26043097 He knows I do, and we've talked about it, but now that I'm gone I hardly see him once a month and it's just barely a hug through the window of a car or a wave hello, and I can'tcall him either because he's busy with work or mom nearly 100% of the time
>I failed a class this year in university. In my 4th year last semester and have already skipped more classes than I have attended. Just no motivation at all.
>My parents fight over money and how nasty their in-laws are. Unneeded stress
>I am a short male (164cm) so no chance of girls liking me. More stress. Every girl I have become close to in the past 4 years ended up getting married or engaged. I can socialize like a Chad and keep fun conversations about almost any topic but still worthless.
>I was diagnosed with anxiety attacks (chest started to hurt randomly) and given lorazepam which didn't do anything except make me sleepy. All doctors in Canada are bloody incompetent believe me. Sure healthcare is free here but if the doctors say you have a new disease each time you visit, its no better than WebMD. First they said it was asthma and gave me some magical spray. Didn't do shit. Can't workout because mucus buildup and hurts a lot to breathe after some time. Went for asthma test ordered by doctor and dickish technician said I was wasting his time for not having asthma. Said I have a baseball player's lungs on me so test for asthma was negative. Doctor now sending me for some stupid echocardiogram
>I am the "kind" person who keeps everyone alive, sane, happy, content and gives advice, yet I myself am broken inside. Been told many times what a wonderful person I am. Means absolutely nothing.
There. My sob story. Now I have to get back to studying or I'll re-fail that class I have to take again.
>>26042762 What, are you similiar to me? And I'm doing okay I guess, woke up at 9pm, thought about browsing my mainboards for a while, will make myself something to eat in a few minutes. But doing okay in general I guess. How are you doing?
>>26042808 I don't know, everybody disliked me, even online, so there has to be something true behind it. I mean, people have so many friends to choose from, why should they choose someone inferior like me? It is just dumb, so I totally understand why nobody likes me. And I'm not a girl
>tfw too chickenshit to talk to girl at uni >desu she is not very attractive, but she is a total loner >every day when I get to class she is sitting by the door on her mac laptop with earphones in >she always wears the same thing everyday: a hoodie, jeans, and a baseball cap >she looks kind of dykeish but I dont care maybe she browses this board for all I know JUST
>>26043079 what would the conversation be about? i don't want to talk about something painful unless it's going to lead somewhere (and it usually doesn't lead anywhere, since i just get frustrated due to the problems with articulation i mentioned)
>Search for porn >thislooksnice.jpg >start watching >it's mlp, continue watching, cause horsefucker >"I'll want to penetrate that vagina of yours" >pony fucks subject with dildo >cringe so hard that I immediately lose all of my lust >tfw realising I failed life
I'm always lonely , but too lazy and sad to do anything about it. I'm terrified of rejection, not even particularly in a romantic sense. I feel like everyone genuinely hates my guts. It feels awful being a basic robot.
Makes sesame credit not sound so bad by social association.
I can't stop getting jealous and envious of people that are happy and have things going on in their lives. I use to be able to ignore people in general but since I have noticed all that I'm lacking I have grown to resent people.This also fed into me feeling even more inferior to everyone for not having things like friends or a job or intelligence or humor or physicality or wit or really anything.Also fuck you [name withheld] for always talking about your real group of friends and how much fun you have with them and making me feel like shit for not being them and making you talk to me.
I just broke up with my first gf and she told me she's already had people wanting to hook up with her. She wants to get back together with me someday. And I wanna do that too. But at the same time I'm sure she'll probably have sex while I'm gone. And I want to do it first and do it more so that I don't feel like a cuck.
So I spent a good part of today looking for an old device I can get tinder on, because I broke my new tablet in a rage, and contemplating taking various prescription drugs around the house, but eventually deciding not to because I want to apply for a new job.
I secretly can't wait till my parents become terminally ill so I can sit by their bedside and feed them the same BS they fed to me all my life >"Just smile you'll fell better" >"Just don't think about it, go on with your life." >"It's not that bad." >"Things always change." >"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" >"You have you're whole life ahead of you."
I'm sorry, Melanie. I know you're there somewhere, I don't know where. And I hope you're happy, wherever you are. Whether it is with someone else, or alone, I don't mind. I just want you to be happy.
But most of all, I would just like for you to forgive me, for everything. I never meant anything bad. I know that is not an excuse. But I didn't mean to hurt you. I would just like to be forgiven. So I could carry on, continue. Finally let go.
I finally moved the box with your stuff to the cellar last weekend. Instead of keeping them shrined. You told me to burn them a year ago, but I couldn't. But at least I managed to move them away now. I guess you'd be sort of proud.
It didn't help much though.
I miss you, even if you don't miss me. But most of all, I would you to just forgive me, for everything.
Long time ago, someone on 4chan asked, how do you know if you love someone. And someone answered: "when it's over". I suppose he was right.
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