Hope you all are staying warm. Its freezing down here.
How are you all holding up today?
Shit mayne, I thought you died. How are things?
Since you probably want the bumps, I want to complain about my situation
>Figured out in early 2014 that I can't make friends
>Go to university
>Too scared to talk to anyone or join any clubs
>Hide in my room, literally never use kitchen, only met 2 out of 7 flat mates
>Drop out because it's driving my crazy
>Depressed all the time
>Spend 100% of time in room
>Want to do something that makes me happy
>There's no job I can do that won't involve social interaction
>Don't have the motivation to persue anything
>Genuinely don't see what's so good about life
>Feel like it's just a matter of time before I kill myself
On the bright side I watched Fight Club last night and Napoleon Dynamite today, both pretty good.
Yes I see them often enough I suppose. I do not know why I feel that, I just cannot shake that feeling. Maybe it's because theres this girl that I have feelings for in the group and it isn't mutual.
Good good, keep it that way.
Any particular raisin. or just general /cripplingdepression/?
I don't think they would hate you for that, but I can understand how unreciprocated can make one feel like that
Why can't you make friends? Besides the fact that you spend 100 percent of the time in your room.
WEll part of it is that school started again. I'm set to graduate soon, and while i'm relieved to be done with it I'm terrified to face the real world.
Thatt and generic depression issues
You sound like someone I know.
Just bored. I went to Fatburger awhile ago and caught the end of the Broncos-Patriots game. Fatburger has some pretty good burrgers.
Depression is the same as always, extreme. Suicidal ideation is also still very high
I even bought the materials to make an exit bag. I don't know, every day just seems to get worse and at this point I'm just going through the motions, there's really no "life" left in me, or rather, no hope left in me.
I guess what I really need is someone or something to give me hope, something that will more or less make me feel hopeful about the future. That's all I need is just a little bit of hope that it will get better, not just bullshit, "It gets better, Anon, I promise," stuff that everyone says.
Crippling depression should never be a "general". It should receive a properly made out, well thought, original version every time. To make it a general is to trivialize our suffering. I literally can't post about my depression in this thread because it feels so cheap and fake. Fuck you, stupid tripfag.
It's mainly just lack of interests
Also, very unlikable personality and have 0 confidence. I also can't relate to people. At university it's bad because everyone drinks and if you don't drink you're seen as this wierd person with some hodden agenda.
Trying to weigh on what I should do
I feel lonely but I'm slowly getting used to it, but I still want somebody to care about deep down. My friends just aren't cutting it anymore
I want to get a girlfriend but I don't want to deal with all the work it entails. I don't do much else besides shitpost and play games and I never go out. That alone pretty much rules me out as relationship material I think
So I'm torn between trying to be something I'm not and not even bothering and saving myself the trouble
I'll probably end up not bothering but I'm still wondering if I can save myself from a life of loneliness
>mom has been in hospital for a week most likely due to alcohol abuse
>family says she will need to give up alcohol or she will most likely die
>father passed away from alcohol related complications 6 years ago and mother has never gotten over it/has remained miserable and depressed
>I honsetly do not see this ending well
>start first day of junior year of uni tomorrow after dropping out in fall due to depression
>have to adapt to being in a social enviroment again
>have to deal with being remined why I am so inadequate every day by all the other happy go lucky fucks around me ( I know "everyone has their own personal cross to bare" Im too bitter to give a shit)
I was planning on or rather hoping to go to grad school, but that got shot to shit after last quarter.
Even if I'm lucky enough to get accepted, I'd still have to defer admission until Fall 2017 because I have to stay another year anyways to finish the CS requirements and finish the math requirements.
And this is all because of one bad quarter and not being able to take the one class that has now orchestrated this shit show. Seriously, it was bad enough to be set back one quarter, but to bet set back a year because of one class is fucking terrible. Not to mention it effectively crushed my hope of going to grad school next year.
Only reason I'm doing the math thing is a game of deception and as sort of a 'if I make it thing'. Deception so that my family and others think that I'm taking a shit situation and making it better, 'if I make it' in case I actually decide not to kill myself. At that point, I'll have a math and computer science degree which is a big plus for grad school.
Meh I'm okay, feeling generally the same as I do. I took a nice long nap today after work.
I'm beginning to become more aware of how robotic I feel. I have to actively control my facial expressions and tone of voice to appear normal and peppy, otherwise people think I'm a sociopath or something.
I'm moving across the country in 8 months though so I'm looking forward to that clean slate feeling,
No problem, I'm sure things are fine
Go make your own thread then. This is really a place to talk/vent about issues, I'm not going to make a wall of text on my own problems.
What makes your personality unlikable? Also, have you ttried any hobbies at all? Even if you go into it expecting not to like it?
>I want to get a girlfriend but I don't want to deal with all the work it entails
same here ttbh, people are a lot of work.
Its the issue of if a SO worth the problems it brings along.
Thanks, things are going. Been meaning to do this more but its hard
Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope the best for her and you.
Sucks that you have to go back to school in that situation.
Good luck with grad school anon, hope you get admitted. I gave up my grad school dreams.
Can you retake the classes to get a better grade?
Where are you going? Im leaving shorty as well
hello there only friends
tonight I'll be watching scooby doo and smoking while my roommates go to da club
you ever think maybe you aren't as special as you think you are?
it's sad that "depression general" is a thing. there are so many people who just feel so hopeless.
on the other hand, it makes me feel a bit better that we all have each other to talk to.
i need marijuana, i only feel alive when i'm high. but i'm too socially awkward to interact with drug dealers and i can't use darknet because i live with my parents.
Do you have anyone you know who could talk to dealers for you?
Yeah, its hard to make friends like that. Do you have any hobbies thatt could get you out of the house to meet new people?
I'm an artist. I love to draw and make comics, and I've been doing it for over ten years so I'm not terrible at it. It's kind of my single point of pride in life. Do you have skeleton hobbies, like hanging out in dungeons or drinking milk? Are you depressed?
my gf (i swear i'm not a normie) could talk to a dealer for me but i'm scared to ask her because i feel like she'll think i'm pathetic. i try to not let her see how depressed i am
you really think you're not a normie when you have a gf? you reek of normie.
Would you mind sharing your art?
And my skeleton hobbies are playing dungeons and dragons and pretending to be the hero, and sitting around watching bad movies
Also yeah I am
Does she know anything about your depression?
I've been making a lot of progress and working hard. In fact, I feel that I'm on the brink of change and a break from this stagnation. Things might fall into place soon.. But there's still something missing. There's always something missing.
There's this holy grail I'm seeking, and I think I'll be seeking it forever. I want something to feel special to me, but everything seems taken and far away. At the same time, I'm often sick of my own desires.
I like to draw any weird stuff that cheers me up. sci-fi and bodyhorror are big genres I like. I don't make a lot of fanart, but here's a little Dende I drew a couple weeks ago. maybe someone will dig it?
>tried to learn about blade&soul
>install the NClauncher
>think about my backlog i will be ignoring
>get bad headache from trying to learn something new
>take 3rd advil for the day
I am currently doing a Law degree, I decided to try and make my parents proud so I auditioned for the University mooting team.
I managed to get a place and earlier today was my first real moot competition. In the first round the judges were some (practically) kids who only had their positions thanks to nepotism.
They were awful judges to me. They ignored almost all of my points and didn't let me finish my side of the appeal. Then the other team took their turn and they interrupted maybe once the whole time.
Naturally In lost. Not so sure what to tell my parents since they had such high hopes for me
What do you think you're missing?
Oh man, bodyhorror is my favourite genre of all time! Also I like y our art, looks good
Whats that anon?
ALso what else is on your list?
What is mooting? Also just tell them you had shitty judges
Found a girl who said she was into me. We knew each other years back, but haven't seen each other recently. Everyday for three weeks we'd text and it'd be the standard cutesy bullshit but it got old. She lives maybe 20 minutes away but for some reason she has an excuse every time she's supposed to head over. After the 8th time trying, I'm convinced she's playing games with my head. I just want someone to love me.
Its a Legal debate where you're given a made-up case that is on appeal. You are then given a side to represent and you must then do so in court.
The judges are supposed to play devils advocate to whatever you're saying, Good Judges will debate the law with you or debate the ground of appeal. Bad Judges will basically just 'no u' whenever you say something. These two had to have been the worst Judges I've ever seen in my life.
They just kept asking me utterly stupid questions, made snide remarks about my answers and one of them at some point just went "I don't really care about that" when talking about a pretty key feature of the case. When the other side gave their side of the appeal, the Judges hardly said anything and when they did, it was just simple shit.
I've never won a competition and I was really banking on at least getting through the first round...my time at Uni has been one failure after another...I think I may have to just hope they believe me about the Judges...
Nice to see you around skelly.
I'm just trying to do better and even though I'm in a really good place irl and I'm really not even sad all the time like a lot of people here, I can never seem to advance my goals. But maybe I really am sad and I'm just ignoring it. SOrry for the blog
>How are you all holding up today?
I'm nearing my end.
That's the only certainty.
I was tempted to complain about it. The Judges had to of been about 22 years old. I was talking to a barrister after the Moot and he said complaining would just be a waste of time since the two 'Judges' are basically involved purely because of nepotism, they're basically bulletproof.
I'll need to wait until next year to try again. But I hope I can at least make my parents happy in the meantime
What are your goals and whats stopping them?
Glad to hear you're in a better place probably.
Whats wrong anon?
Well thatt blows, nepotism is the worst. Are you really concerned about how your parents see you?>
Feeling pretty decent, my psychosis has pretty much been low, and I haven't hallucinated in months. FGM
>Whats wrong anon?
I remembered who I used to be and realized what I've become.
Throw that on top of years of chronic depression, social isolation, and lack of human intimacy.
I am a decaying shell of a human.and there's still 35-40 more years left in the process, if you assume average human life expectancy.
I can't endure even another week.
>What changed between you then and you now?
I used to have an identity other than being miserable - I used to have principles, values, passions, interests, hopes.
I have very little of that left now.
>When did depression set in?
2012, two years after I finished college. I didn't have any friends or female companions in college though but I wasn't depressed back then.
I don't know if you remember me from a few months back, SkeleJW. I posted in one of these threads a few months back talking about how I was hardly eating anymore and how I was failing school. Well the next semester has started and I've been put on academic probation. I have to take an academic success class along with 4 other classes, 3 of them being repeats from last semester (one of those 3 is a math class that I'm taking for the 4th time in a row). I also have to go to some kind of 2 hour meeting on tuesday because of this. I can't see myself passing any of these classes, let alone all of them. I've always hated school, I'm only at college because my parents have raised me with the intent of me ending up here. I don't enjoy anything in life and I couldn't give any less of a shit about any majors, let alone the one I chose. If I get kicked out or drop out my loans will have to get paid back. I'm thinking about just going out like robin williams did and hanging myself in my closet with a necktie. It's been six long years since I realized that I had depression and anxiety disorder, and its been going on even longer than that. I'll be 20 years old this year, but I feel like a lost child. Everyone around me seems to have their shit together somewhat, yet I'm too afraid of my peers to even get food from the cafeteria due to how hostile they all are. I'm sick of it all, people can be so cruel yet they get away with treating other people like garbage, hell, they even get rewarded for it most of the time. Regardless of how I feel about other people, the only person I want to hurt is myself. I'm a drain on my family, My Mother and Father deserve a better son, and my sisters deserve a better brother. Since my student loans are done by my mom for the purpose of sending me to school, If I die then the loans will be forgiven. It can all be washed away. No money wasted. I'm so tired, It really is getting cold, isn't it?
Have you sought help for your depression?
I think you need to get serious help soon anon. Do your parents know how you feel? Could you bring it up in that meeting?
We have a community counselling center near me that I go to. It has fees based on your income, so a sliding scale. It's free for me because I make so little. You might have something like that in your area
>I think you need serious help soon anon
I went to therapy for 3 years, I had a great therapist, but it can only do so much
>Do your parents know how you feel?
Yes, but the last conversation I had with them about it my mom pretty much said "you have it so good and so many people would love to have it as good as you do, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your shit together" and my dad said that he doesn't want to hear about me being depressed any more. They were so supportive about this over the years, but even they are sick of helping me at this point. They seem to only care about me getting through college, even if it kills me.
>Could you bring it up in that meeting?
Its a meeting discussing academic probation and what it means or some shit, something that could easily be described in simple email, not exactly looking forward to being stuck in a room with a hundred people for 2 hours, going to classes for 50 minutes stresses me out enough as is. I've become a recluse that only goes out when absolutely needed (class, laundry, taking out trash). I don't care about any of this shit, I was hoping they would kick me out after last semester so that I could have a decent excuse to end it.
>got kicked out of the library today for crying in the quiet section
It snowed last night and today. I'm sitting at my desk watching Netflix. Not the ultimate comfy but pretty comfy
A few nights ago I had a dream where a girl approached me and we hit it off. I remember the dream vividly, despite that almost never happening to me. It was the first time I remember feeling happy in a long while, and the first time I ever felt like a woman appreciated my company. It was nice while it lasted but now I just feel like even worse shit than usual since I miss the feeling. Since then I've lost my will to get anything done, I have started lying in bed sleeping/trying to sleep and recreate the feeling. Anyone else had an experience like this?
>Hope you all are staying comfy tonight
Sucks that your parents have that attitude :(
I know what it's like to be pressured through college. It's the worst.
What's wrong anon
I don't have dreams unless I'm on specific medicine alas
>what are your goals
goals are to make good music but between anime and manga and music and pretending to study adn pretedning to take care of myself and possible mental problems it isnt going very well. i dont know how i survive like this
Hey Skele hope you're hanging in there.
I recently got into alcohol and i ended up clearing everything in my house in a few days. I can't stand the sober feeling. If I'm not high or drunk I just want to kill myself. I also canceled the last appointments I had with my doctors because I just can't explain to them once again how shitty and how trapped I feel. Plus my psychiatrist wanted to increase my daily dose and I just don't feel like having to stress over more side-effects. I feel like I'm just buying time for my inevitable end. I just can't tell anyone because how do you tell the people who love you that you don't want to exist anymore.
sorry I just had to let it out
I'm lying in bed and for some reason I'm starting to feel anxious and scared about staying in my student house over the summer. I have no idea why. Am I wasting my money? How hard will it be to get a job?
Sometimes I seem to just get anxious about stuff I shouldn't for no reason, and I don't know why.
Oh shit, I truly missed you thread. Welcome back friend.
I've been feeling very on edge these days, as if I could cry any moments. My life isn't THAT shitty though, I'm just really over-sensitive. I've started to see my shrink again for this issue.
Currently I'm just trying to do some homework, and struggling to find the motivation. I hope you're good dude.
what are your principal defects outside of autism/social awkwardness?
dreaming is dope indeed.
what do you see when you hallucinate?
I have vivid dreams where I converse and try to fuck females quite often (among other things), I usually wake up right before the fucking which sucks. I'm pretty sure it's your brain practicing social interaction. I would bet everyone does it but they don't really remember. I do believe it's possible to recreate, but specifics (the girl, the place, the reasons) will be mostly random.
a bit over a week on my new meds and i can feel my ambient mood has slightly improved, idk if thats the meds or not since it happened at the same time i may have made a major realization about my life.
over all i think things are going the right way
Its a bad idea to cancel your oppointments desu. Have you thought about switching meds?
How long does your anxious periods last?
Maybe meds could help with your over sensitivity? They help with my anxiety a lot
Don't know sorry man
i just hope its not something im imagining or cnofirmation bias. time will tell.
im still working on referrals to other places to continue my treatment, including the local psychiatric hospital
hope things are or will be good for you too skelly
I've only posted on this type of thread once, and it was just to question who thought of using a death metal album for these threads in the first place, but now i guess i really could go for a vent.
I'm guilt tripped into staying alive and it fucking infuriates me.
I've had this friend for several years, we've always been really close. I've helped her a lot and she's helped me a lot. Well thing is, she's also very depressed (kinda funny how i tend to attract all the suicidal ones.). Well, to put things short I just simply want to kill myself. Im not gonna go into detail, but there's not much out there in this world that I desire, and none of it is worth living for. But the thing is that I pretty much am the only reason she hasn't killed herself, because Im good at helping her keep herself together. I know that If i were to commit suicide that she would probably do so as well, and I don't want that. She's a much better person than I am and I believe that she deserves much more.
Also, my dad just recently got out of prison. I dont want to disappoint him so much by killing myself after he gets out, or say, having killed myself and him having to learn this after he gets out. We dont have much family around, and aside from his sister and some old friends im all he's got.
I dont know where im going with this, but yeah, i feel like im being kept back from doing what I want to finally do.
Last year I was ready to kill myself, but I chickened out. Now I'm taking pills and I can't gather the courage to do it again, but I'm basically in the same situation. I know of people that would be unveliebably sad if I die, and I don't want to make them unhappy, but my life is headed into disaster anyway and I'm afraid they will see me becoming a bigger failure with every year, and that would bring them pain anyway. And I know this is mean as shit, but the only person I hoped to hurt at least a little with my suicide won't ever give a fuck right now.
I always fantasize about how my past could have been better, now I fantasize with how cold have things been if I killed myself back then. Why couldn't I just jump.
I'll check it out
I try to make this thread a lot but its hard for me to get the motivation sometimes
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Always stuck with me even if its cheesy as fuck. Maybe you're here to help her out, or your family. I dont know. Your post just reminded me of that
How do you feel during that time? More specifically
Just like something is wrong, an a general uneasiness in my stomach. Most of the time i try to logically figure out what's bothering me and how to fix it, but my thinking always feels misguided and mostly overcome by the vague feeling that something is wrong
i still haven't gotten more than 2 matches on tinder from legit 2/10s at that. one i swiped left because she was in a photo with a girl but she looked so manly i thought it was the other girl standing next to a guy. and the 2nd just had a very flattering angle but in another angle she's just blah.
i'm not even ugly, nobody would say i am ugly. i'm at least a 5/10 and they can't tell i'm 5'7 in the photos, it's believable that i'm 5'10 or so because it cuts off at the waist.
i was even swiping left on single mothers. only swiped right on completely hideous girls, ugly black chicks, really beautiful girls who i have zero chance with, and super hamplanets.
i'm in shape, i have a good job title on it (database administrator and web developer for a travel company), graduated from the top uni in the state, i even found a photo of a guy online scuba diving that looks just like me and put it on
i'm thinking about uninstalling it because every day i don't get any matches i take a hit to my self esteem. i just know over a dozen girls every night are just swiping away and see my photo and thing 'eww, he is UNLOVABLE" and deny me right there.
i'm 23yo when the fuck am i supposed to get a GF? to top it all off i can't even get a hobby because my depression prevents me from having fun or enjoying anything. i just force myself to go to work and lift every day because i know that maybe in the future if i feel better i'll be glad i did.
you have a girl that acknowledges your existence and you want to an hero? fuck off idiot, be with her. you're more fortunate than you realize i would kill to get a qt depressed gf that only finds joy because of me
Trust me, two depressed ass people being in a relationship doesnt help. Relationships dont make life better. If you're miserable because youre alone, its different. But when you've been severely depressed your whole life there's really nothing a relationship will do except drag two people down quicker.
I know it's not the best idea to cancel. But I have 3 doctors who I talk to and it becomes emotionally draining to have to explain to them and have them do nothing but say "it's just your perspective, you just have to change that" they hand me a prescription and send me on my way.
As for meds, I'm only on zoloft right now. I've tried a few other meds. Some of them do good for anxiety but not much else. Others do good for my obsessive existential thoughts and depersonalization. But then do nothing for the depression. Feels like you can never win
lower than usual, back at uni after taking a semester off and im falling back into the same bad habits.
got off my meds when i was back home and everything was cool. back here the old issues are resurfacing and i live in a constant anxiety. now i just have yvanse and find pressed bars and drink on top of those but i need a real solution
that i may never have been who i thought i was. with some resent things that have happened, parts of my past suddenly started making sense.
i would go in to more detail, but its still kinda stigmatized i think...? pic sorta related
I wasted 7 years on college and made almost no progress, 25 and not even close to finish, I still don't like what I'm studying despite having tried a lot of things, I don't know what to do with my life and every year that passes I grow more and more lonely to the point I can barely stand people, and not because I hate them or somehting but because I get scared, uncomfortable, and I feel overwhelmingly inferior to them. The person I would have liked to hurt was the only girl that I ever were with, because she ruined the only thing that had me going on and made me realize how much a failure I really am, but this was almost 2 years ago, she already had another bf and broke up, she doesn't even remember that I exist.
Ah, I feel like that a lot as well
Online dating is for two people: the beautiful and the desperate. Don't bother with it. You do need to find a hobby that you can do even with your depression, that helps a lot.
Yup, its like that for a lot of people
I can understand that. Zoloft didn't do much for me. What I'm on is helping me a lot with depression, but not with my motivation.
Probably a good idea to get off your meds
You LGBT as well anon?
its very likely, everything is a big question mark to me right now, i just opening this huge can of worms, so to speak.
i happen to have gotten a referral to the local gender identify clinic just 3 minutes ago!
you lgbt skelly?
it really is, from me its trans. ive joined a few places to try and explore and get answers, i hope ill eventually know who and what i am.
but i definently feel like ive just passed the 2nd mile stone
i had it all shoved away for most of my life, but here it is again.
thank you so much skelly, i hope your way of dealing with it works out for you. being bi is far from the worst imo
Yeah thats a huge milestone in life, I hope you find out who you are. Yeah and being bisexual is fine to be honest, i'd much rather be this than having to deal with trans issues
even though i've been shoving all my gender issues away and trying not to think about it at all because i dont think i'd be able to handle being trans
Hows that going for you anon
yea it definitely comes with a load of problems, luckily i told a couple of my friends and they have been some real fucking bros and been totally accepting, so thats one i dont have to worry too much about. just knowing that things make more sense have made me feel a lot better already, i think ive got a long, exciting, and rough path ahead of me. but in the end i know ill have at least some answers
well i had been dressing up on and off for a few years, then got a bit more serious a while ago and met some mtfs who really opened my eyes and made me remember things i had repressed. i guess i always had a feeling but i just ignored it to the point where it was just part of everyday life, though id often go to bed wishing id wake up a girl, eventually i "outgrew" that as i thought it was impossible to change gender. and this new light, as i said, a lot of memories suddenly make more sense, also in terms of my behavior both then and now. i hope that sorta explains it
Despite having things going fairly well for me and a lot planned this year, I constantly feel like I've let everyone down and am always a disappointment. I hope you guys are better because I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Take care, friends.
fuck off normalfag attention prostitute,
you dont have depression in the slightest anyway