Anyone else have a mental illness? What medications are you taking? Any adventures it's taken you on?
I have schizophrenia. My most recurring "delusion" (I'm really hesitant to even admit it's one because it feels so real to me and I have so much evidence) is that I have supernatural abilities and a special relationship with God. Yesterday morning, at like 5 am, I walked out into the blizzard because I felt like God wanted to show me something. The winds were so strong they almost blew me away. When I walked a sufficient distance, I felt this intense religious ecstasy overcome my entire body. I saw these beautiful patterns in the way the winds carried the snow, I was overwhelmed by the pure whiteness surrounding me, and these wonderful memories of being a child playing in the winter were running through my mind. I couldn't even feel the cold even though I was covered in frost, because my heart felt so warm.
I came back right as my roommate called the cops on me. I'm lucky I returned early enough, because they could've 302'd me, which means I'd be stuck in a psych ward for 20 days.
God loves anime.
I told an online friend that I was leaving and she called him. I have her his number in case I was doing something stupid, like I was that morning. He wasn't sure what to do, so he called the cops hoping they could search for me.
Sometimes Adolf descends from heaven and me and him have a lovely chat.
I'll give it a watch.
No, not at all. I've always felt like I had a strong connection with God, throughout my childhood I was scared of his watching eye and that he was going to send me to hell. The supernatural abilities started about a year ago, once I started doing drugs. Then about six months ago my illness became chronic, I had my first psychotic episode, and now we're here today.
My first psychotic episode was triggered when my doctor abruptly took me off all my meds. Immediately, I felt very manic, happy, and excited. I started hearing voices that would whisper very religious things. I would have intense laughing fits over nothing. I couldn't sleep at all. After a few days of that, one night it started to rain really heavily. I decided to go out, thinking that God was guiding me towards something. I got this feeling like I was beginning a deep religious journey and I needed to drop everything, go out, and travel a far distance right that minute. Something about rain and snow seems to trigger these episodes. After that first episode, I was hospitalized for a few days. I responded very well to medication.
I'm a schizophrenic too. My current delusion is that in the future I will travel back in time as a genetically modified cyborg and become an immortal European nobleman. I believe that I know this because my current self psychically resonates with the future me that traveled back in time. I have moments of lucidity right now. I'm currently medicated and on disability so beyond being crazy my life isn't that bad. I'm so glad I'm not homeless anymore.
I have been diagnosed with SAD, GAD, OCD, ADHD and I suspect I'm bipolar. These things don't take me anywhere, I'm incapacitated by them. Yet my government won't retire me because >b-but you can do it anon!
I have schizoaffective disorder and I write long rants that don't make a lot of sense. I'm going to do that here, feel free to read or ignore.
I've read from other schizos that delusions are a way of coping with reality. It's very common for schizos to have had abusive childhoods or have faced neglect from their parents. Many schizos prefer their delusions to reality, and that's why they refuse treatment.
I had a really crappy adolescence and right now I've trapped in poverty. I've been struggling with control over my life for a long time and it's very distressing. The paranoia helps me rationalize why things are going bad for me and why I have this illness. It just makes sense to me that there's some group of people out there who are conspiring against me and making me feel awful. It doesn't seem reasonable otherwise why I'd be going through this, I haven't done anything wrong to deserve this.
Many schizo symptoms can be thought of in terms of this retreat from reality. Social isolation and muteness are very common amongst all schizo spectrum disorders. The hallucinations can be thought of as the brain's way of creating its own world that's more in line with the delusions it's convincing itself of. But I can't think of an explanation for the thought disorders.
It could also just be that the hallucinations and delusions alienate you from people who are sane, which is my other theory. It's easy to recognize, even while delusional, that your beliefs are unusual, and that others would find them strange or unbelievable. So you don't want to share them with others, and you hide from everyone.
I've paged through many psychiatric and psychological articles/papers about my illness. I've read Lacan, Jung, Heidegger, Schopenhauer, and Freud too. I'm trying desperately to figure out a path out of this illness where I don't have to be on medication the rest of my life.
bipolar type 1 with psychotic features.. The psychosis was normally brought on by medication withdrawal and not sleeping. I'm on 25mg of seroquel for sleep, 300 of trileptal, and 20mg of prozac. I feel pretty numb and sleepy most days. I don't care about music, tv, or videogames anymore.
>supernatural abilities started about a year ago, once I started doing drugs.
oh geez how could that happen
depression with psychotic features here. wellbutrin 75mg for now. every couple weeks or so I have a panic attack episode thing and draw/write complete crazy stuff, pic related. my big delusion is that there's no reality and everything is actually just the memories of God repeating forever and that I've had these thoughts before and will again. get tunnel vision and intense paranoia too during it.
I have shadow people that follow me. I don't leave my room ofyen because I know it makes it easier to slip in there when I'm not looking. They exist in my reality not anyone else's so other people can't see them. I'm never sure if they appear because they truly exist or if it's because I'm crazy. To get them to go away I have to spill my blood in sacrifice. I have Schizophrenia, severe OCD and I think I may have BPD
I too have been studying up on a path that does not require medication.
As of now, what seems to work is simply accepting that some things are just absurd. When a delusion arises, compare it to a period before becoming mentally ill and think: Would it be plausible of this situation happening in childhood?
Use childhood/adolescence as a reference whenever these delusions arise.
Are you REALLY on a mission to capture an assassin lurking in the church? Is that person staring at you REALLY out to get you, or does that person simply find you interesting to look at, attractive even?
In the past I've been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, and ADHD. Here's how I "fixed" myself.
1) 8 hours of sleep every night
2) 1 hour of activity 5 days of week
3) clean diet
4) 20 minutes Vipassana meditation every morning...
That being said, it's very hard to change more than 1 behavior at a time, so I suggest you pick one of those 4 and work on the other 3 as you go.
Try this meditation right here:
I'm having recurring depression and anxiety attacks(mostly under control though now). Taking Zoloft, helped me lots and didnt notice any adverse effects. Therapy too occasionally.
On an interesting note, I'm texting with a girl for a while who believes she can talk to aliens, is synaesthetic, has no real social contacts(and doesnt appear to desire them much either), is kinda creative and likes to draw. She's able to function normally in everyday life.
Am I right when I assume she's having schizotypal personality disorder?
Not really, not everything is schizophrenia. Schizoids for example function normally for the most part except that they have low motivation, emotional response and don't give a fuck about being social.
someone who genuinely has blunted affect and no motivation can't function normally
the whole point of a personality disorder is that you can't function normally
schizotypal and schizoid are under the schizo umbrella and psychologists modernly think that they're all the same thing
If you interact with God through eating feelings you are being accosted by the demon. Yeah God really wants you to walk out into a snowstorm and then shock you with emotion
Focus on creating FOR God, those feelings should be channeled in connecting yourself through Art
reduced affect=/=completely blunted affect
That's why they have spectra for disorders, Assburgers and Autism are related and one the same spectrum, but a Sperg might be able to function largely normal whereas and autist spends most of his time drooling and screaming at walls.
Don't know if it's something that can be considered an illness.
Maybe it comes from my fucked up childhood and manipulative parents but I often feel as if whatever I do people make fun of me behind my back and that everyone that says something good about me doesn't mean it and only says so I feel good.
It's really weird because I really have everything and people like me but that paranoia just fucks with my hesd.
Thank god I stopped smoking weed (used to be hardcore into drugs for 3 years because I only felt myself when I was SUUUPER high).
I can't tell anyone about it because they just tell me I am a good person that can be proud of himself what just fuels my paranoia even more.
I'm just really paranoid about how I appear to other people
Schizoaffective here too. Diagnosed a couple years ago after going to jail during an episode and court-ordered to seek menetal health.
>I had a really crappy adolescence and right now I've trapped in poverty. I've been struggling with control over my life for a long time and it's very distressing. The paranoia helps me rationalize why things are going bad for me and why I have this illness. It just makes sense to me that there's some group of people out there who are conspiring against me and making me feel awful. It doesn't seem reasonable otherwise why I'd be going through this, I haven't done anything wrong to deserve this.
Some of that is kind of whiny imo but I get the whole conspiracy-mindset. Some things that helped me brave the outside:
>have a chaperone, someone you trust, even if you have to build and assign a responsible personality for an object you put in your pocket. A track phone is cheap and you can ask it to reassure you in public without drawing attention.
>recognize the weather and public around you, what are they wearing?
Look for the people who don't stand out amongst people who do. I buy the similar clothes, psych it up as a "uniform" and try not to walk too funny when I go out. If you get distracted easily pull out your track phone and stretch it arms length whenever you do, people will just think you're taking pictures. No cops, no jail, no psych ward, no foul.
A phone is your best friend these days.
I'm trying desperately to figure out a path out of this illness where I don't have to be on medication the rest of my life.
I'm trying desperately to figure out a path out of this illness where I don't have to be on medication the rest of my life.
>I'm trying desperately to figure out a path out of this illness where I don't have to be on medication the rest of my life.
Then I'll have to kill myself because I really can't live on medication. It's sucked the life out of my life. If you were on anti-psychotics, you would understand.
The meds make some aspects of schizophrenia worse. I've read about it. Dopamine has two pathways in the brain. One pathway is responsible for sensory information and belief systems. In schizophrenics, there's too much dopamine in this pathway so you get delusions and hallucinations. So anti-psychotics block the effects of dopamine in that pathway, and that's what stops hallucinations. That's all fine with me.
But there's this second pathway, and it's responsible for social behavior, memory, and pleasure. In schizophrenics, there is not enough dopamine in this pathway, all the dopamine's been diverted to the other pathway, so you get what are called "negative symptoms", like muteness, inability to feel pleasure, and social seclusion. The anti-psychotics block the already low levels of dopamine in this pathway, which worsens the negative symptoms.
I just have trouble letting go of my delusions, because the world without them is so frightening. I realize they're very unhealthy, but it's hard to let them go. I'll give it a try though. It's difficult because they seem so set in my mind too, like I don't distinguish between "the government's sent those people to watch me" and "look at that silly squirrel on the tree", so I'd have to be checking myself all day long. I guess I'll try to write down all my delusional beliefs so I can identify them better.
Some of these delusions are religious too, and that opens a whole other can of worms because I don't know if I can even count those as delusions. Part of the point of religion is faith, belief without any proof.
I would love that, but I'm scared to post my Skype name.
check'd. satanic trips plus regular trips
Bipolar rapid cycling checking in. I'm on 1.5mg of risperidone per day and 100mg zoloft for the depression aspect.
>start to have a manic episode last night that lasted about 4.5 hours only
>spray febreeze in my mouth, eat food off of the floor, yell down the hall, and dance constantly
>friends think I'm high and don't believe that I'm sober
>convinced that one friend is wearing a wire and get highly suspicious of her
>force everyone on my floor to go to mcdonald's with me
>look at all of the beautiful street lights and feel as if energy is coming off of them
>enter a "high energy area"
>feel as though I am some sort of a god who has the ability to read minds
>feel amazing for the rest of the night until 1am
>become instantly exhausted and depressed
>wake up today still feeling majorly depressed
What do you mean by activity, exercise? And where is the link to the meditation? I'll give these all a try, my mom suggested pretty much the same thing to me.
Sounds pretty assuring that she's somewhat on the schizo-spectrum. But if it doesn't stop her from living her life, then it's not an illness, it's just a qurik. I've read that relatives of schizos often have schizoid traits, and they're more creative than the rest of the population as a result. Many famous minds have been related to schizos, like Joyce or Einstein, but few have actually been full schizo because it's such a debilitating illness. Shows that there are good aspects of the disease.
That's a good idea. I don't know if I need to get a track phone, but some object to help me at least. My therapist told me having one would help ground me to reality and make the hallucinations go away too.
I know I was a bit whiny in my post. I was gonna say exactly what happened to me, because it explains a lot of my symptoms, but I won't. In short, I was abused by my mentally ill mother, and it made me withdraw a lot from the world so I didn't have to feel my painful emotions. People at school would think I was mute. I'd have this schizoid mask on all the time and talk in monotone, completely emotionless. I still do that. I kind of like my psychotic episodes because they make me feel such intense emotions, it's a breath of fresh air.
I wish I could make those aspects of the disease go away the most. The negative symptoms. Being almost autistic, cutting yourself off from society, being unable to show empathy, being unable to remember anything. These symptoms don't respond to medication, and it's my theory that meds make them worse. The symptoms have cost me the best relationship of my life. My girlfriend, who I loved more than I've loved anyone before, left me because I'm a fucking mute, compassionless schizoid who can't feel anything. Every time she was going through something, I would go catatonic. I couldn't tell her kind words, I would just be completely unable to talk or move. I would have this sterile, uncaring face.
How am I going to have a relationship when I'm like this? No one would want to date someone who has my condition. I can't even feel sad about it, I don't feel anything. My girlfriend left me, and right afterwards she went to the hospital because she has this blood disease. In my thoughts I miss her a lot and wish she could come back, but in my feelings I feel absolutely nothing for her. I don't care, and it hurts so much that I don't.
Your doctor's a fucking idiot if you're rapid cycling and you're on 100 mg of Zoloft. Taper off that shit right now. SSRIs are poison for bipolars without a mood stabilizer. No matter what they tell you, Risperdal is not a fucking mood stabilizer, especially not at just 1.5 mg a day. You need either lithium or an anti-convulsant. I was diagnosed bipolar by the free doctor at my school, and she would only keep me on anti-psychotics and anti-depressants throughout my illness. She couldn't take my blood (her office wasn't in a hospital, it was in my school's student center), so she wouldn't put me on lithium or any anti-convulsant. She kept me on Risperdal and Zoloft too.
That fucking shit does not fucking do anything, I was all the way up on twice your Risperdal dose and I was still completely manic. I guess it helps a little by forcing you to sleep all day, so you don't have the chance to do crazy manic shit, but you can't function and go to work/school with just Risperdal.
I got hospitalized a second time because, to the surprise of no one, I had another manic episode. The doctors at the psych ward were completely stunned that I had bipolar and have never been on an actual mood stabilizer. I could overhear them saying to each other that my doctor was a fucking moron. They put me on lithium, the cycling stopped, and everything was fine after that.
I'd like to know what crazy medical school is teaching these doctors that anti-psychotics are effective mood stabilizers on their own. They're a good initial treatment for mania, but they are not a long term replacement for proper mood stabilizers. Do not let your doctor do this to you, see a new one or demand lithium or an anti-convulsant.
Goddammit the relation. I wonder if all schizoaffectives are like this.
>Being almost autistic, cutting yourself off from society, being unable to show empathy, being unable to remember anything. These symptoms don't respond to medication, and it's my theory that meds make them worse
If I remember right the psychiatrists I've been passed around only tried to fix the positive symptoms, therapy is for the negative ones.
Oh shit mane. Thanks for responding. I'll have to bring this up at my next psychiatrist appointment. It was originally prescribed to me by an MD for a quick, short term solution. I've gained about 20 pounds on it kek.
Another schizoaffective fag here. My delusions were pretty bad and I spent probably from 19-23 believing the crazy stuff I thought up. Drugs were mixed into the condition and that didn't help. I take Zyprexa now and it helps mostly, when voices come back I just say to myself that it's not real. Delusions aren't as bad as they used to be.
Is working kind of tough for anyone else? The paranoia is worse there more than anywhere else I think. I work in a kitchen and hearing people on just the outside of your hearing range really makes me paranoid. Sounds like they're talking about you.
I'll list off some of my old delusions to contribute a bit more.
>believed I was going to go full yellow-hair powered up super saiyan mode from doing an unnecessary amount of push ups a day
>believed that girl I was in love in high school was talking to me in my head with alien feelers
>believed my grandfather was Lucifer and I was his heir to Hell
>believed I would be reincarnated as fictional characters and the final reward for being these characters and going through their struggles would be an eternity with girl from above
The girl was kind of an obsession for that whole time, I just hope noone ever finds out how much I really thought about her.
Depression, social anxiety, and avoidant personality disorder.
I take welbutrin and adderall, neither of them help with my mental issues.
No real adventures apart from frequent crying and a few suicide attempts.
Schizophrenia seems pretty comfy to me, it would be cool to be able to live in my own reality.
Forgot to add, I had a mental breakdown last year. I just snapped, didn't eat for days and slept very little.
I became obsessed with building a laser and other stupid shit. I spent close to $2000 on tech within the span of four months. I literally went from 170lbs to 135lbs in the span of about two months.
I had a relationship on and off for 10 years with a girl who comforted me, looked out for me, supported me from a chat room that I traveled across the US for.
She left me to my own wits sometimes and I never did well without her. She was and always will be beautiful to me. And I ended up pushing her away on purpose because it seemed to me that she shouldn't have to take care of me.
So if a woman likes you for who you are and doesn't mind taking care of you when you're out of your mind, bloody from trying to disembowel yourself to remove a mind-controlling parasite, holding you close when God won't stop sticking its ass through the window and spewing projectile shit into your face, well, you've hit the jackpot if you actually have a woman to comfort you through that.
>In my thoughts I miss her a lot and wish she could come back, but in my feelings I feel absolutely nothing for her. I don't care, and it hurts so much that I don't.
That's harsh. It must have been really sad for her to watch.
She was this hipster pot smoker, short, pale, and blonde.. I hung out with her a lot in high school before I even smoked weed. She was pretty laid back but looking back there isn't really a whole lot that's really special about her and didn't really treat me as well as a friend would. She just played into my fantasies. I'm not obsessed with her anymore. I deleted her off of facebook a while back because I would just get pissed off if I saw a post by her. Her name runs through my mind, but I just remind myself I'm not interested anymore. It just seems like because she was a big part of that time period that it's not abnormal to think about her every now and then, even if I don't want to.
Not that anon, but for the exercise, make it a real program like biking, swimming. Something you can make an appointment with yourself to do. Not just aimless walking about the grocery store.
There are a lot of good self-help books out there. Check some out from the library.
Work on finding a counselor, but in the meantime read up!!
>under control with 400mg lamictal every day
>seizures cause temporary memory loss
>they also scramble the meaning of the stuff that was lost
>math disappears, conceptual understanding grows exponentially
>I have an intuitive understanding of physics to the point where I have successfully guessed the nature of many modern theoretical physics advancements
>unfortunately the epilepsy originating in my temporal lobe affects my ability to communicate written and orally
>I know how to get humanity out of the solar system
>I can run the physics in my head to reverse the entanglement entropy & recalculate through the quantum complexity necessary for creating wormholes
>only just recently learning the math and confirming this concept (look up AdS/CFT correspondence and the work from Leonard Susskind)
>If I can't make this happen then I may as well be useless
>sometimes I wonder if it is all for nothing, and I will end up making nothing in my life
>every seizure makes it easier to put together the ideas, yet harder to formulate them
>every addition and change of medication reduces my ability to do anything
>I worry that if I control my seizures, then I'll lose this ability to render physics intuitively
>Considering this plunges me into existential dread about the future of humanity
>If we can't leave earth what is the point
>If we can't leave sol what is the point
>If we can't leave the milky way what is the point
>If we can't exit our universe what is the point
>If we can't transcend the multiverse what is the point
>If we can't do the next step, what is the point?
>Think too deep into the structure of consciousness
>Have myoclonic jerk, see a 30 minute dream pass by in less than .1 seconds
>If I keep thinking, I'll have a grand mal
>If I have a grand mal from this, I'll wake up even more focused towards this potentially impossible goal
>If I fight against this, I have seizures. If I have seizures, it becomes harder to fight against it.
>read about paranoia on tvtropes
>literally just tvtropes
>get super noises about everything
>i don't exist
>God is something i can't think of without transcending space and time
>reality is just perception
>don't know who i am
>don't know where i am
>don't know what is real
depression and extreme anxiety coupled with a large amount of dysphoria, not gonna call this gender stuff but my body and my brain just dont feel like a good pair. some psychiatrists have said adhd but who knows if that shits real. possibly mildly schizophrenic not sure though
She told me a couple years later she told a guy who was trying to get with her that she didn't think I'd be so great if she never put up with the bad parts.
I did the same for her, it wasn't one-sided. It was just more her taking care of me to keep herself from losing it desu
She had low self-esteem. And I do, too. But never much in relation to her. She would always ask why I was with her instead of the opposite.
I really just liked experiencing things with her, she was my life partner. And she honestly was pretty mentally stable.
One of my favorite memories of her was when I finally broke for the first time at a few months before turning 20. I had kept cutting my arm open and drinking to numb the pain before I went to cut open my intestines to remove a mind-controlling parasite, it was much more logical than being given orders from an eye above filling my brain with gibberish. And I was scared so I called her at her tax job to ask if she could leave early to hang out and she said she couldn't.
I said okay. But after a while she called back and said she was on her way and that it worried her that I was so calm about it and called in the first place
When she arrived I'd already worn a spot in my lower abdomen down by slicing it open and had tried to stab it a couple times but it was my housekeeper's dull kitchen knives so it didn't pierce. She led me to my bathroom, cleaned me up, and then drove me out to her place
I'd love to think she still loves me. I don't think I'll ever be able to shake the feel I have for her, I've had a relationship or two but have trouble not calling them her name. 6 years after. fml