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who /depersonalized/ here?
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You are currently reading a thread in /r9k/ - ROBOT9001

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who /depersonalized/ here?
please share your stories
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Me. Got it from smoking weed when I was 16. Had a "bad trip,"
life went down hill from that point. 19 now and nothing has gotten better. Still deal with it everyday. I've probably had 2 occurrences that lasted briefly of when I did not feel like I do, and in those short minutes I actually broke down and cried a little because I was so overwhelmed. If any robot has advice or recovery stories would be cool. :^ )
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>>25950484
it seems like everyone gets it from smoking weed. it just sorta happened to me over my teenage years without any drugs.
im seeking advice as well, so im no help there
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>>25950484

Consider the idea of whether the "self" as we commonly think of it may be something in-between an illusion and carefully fabricated construct.

All neuroscientific evidence points to consciousness being a phenomenon caused by the brain and the rest of the nervous system and its reaction to its environment.

This means that our concept of a "self" doesn't really make sense. We are conscious chemical soups, but ultimately we're not the "same" people we were yesterday, nor are we the same as we'll be tomorrow. There will be subtle differences. As time goes on the differences will get bigger and bigger.

Just think about this for a while and I bet it'll make you feel better about your depersonalization...or at least, it might make you feel different about it.

My advice to you would be to stop worrying so much about living life from a "first person" perspective (I'm speaking figuratively here). Don't focus too much on your "self", because from what we can see now, it doesn't really even exist anyway.
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>>25950689

Also here's a video from Sam Harris with a little more info on this idea.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fajfkO_X0l0
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>>25950580
Well, the thing is I talked to people before I smoked weed about what I felt, and I definitely had it before then, probably from frequently absent father and just bad relationships, but weed definitely made it a lot more protruding.
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Smoked a shit ton of weed but never depersonalized
I want too
Maybe I'll feel less shitty if I ain't myself anymore
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>>25950484
I had a psychotic episode from smoking weed. Lasted like 3 months, I believe it was skunk weed but it was never confirmed because it was thrown away, the hospital threw it away and never confirmed what it was. Could've been synthetic weed for all I know, I bought it from the dark web.

I tried indica weed before the episode and I was fine. Sativa or maybe skunk just fucked my shit up.
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>>25950736

Would you be so kind as to describe your symptoms in detail?
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>>25949938
Nah, I only got derealization because of salvia for like a year.
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>>25950947
is salvia legal? or is that peyote?
where could one get it?
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>>25950880
Delusions, thinking the FBI and CIA were watching me for doing illegal substances, thought they could see me on my webcam so probably covered it up at one point. Delusions of grandeur, thought I was a god at one point, thought I had healing powers and could revive someone with my bare hands. I had many sleepless nights, would go many many days without showering. I spent most of my time doing fuck all, probably just bothering my family but they were trying to comfort me so it was ok. I was lucky I wasn't hospitalized, they would've drugged me up to hell.
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>>25950484
>>25950580
>>25950689
Holy fuck I'm not alone

I've become so depersonalized and derealized and fucked up by anxiety, that that fact disturbs me for some reason. Just think, I'm so fucked up that not even the acknowledgment that others out there share my pain reassures me.

fuck man
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are Chinese "people" sentient?
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>>25950995
I'm scared of doing it again, but surely if I don't touch skunk I'll be fine, r-right? Or maybe I could stop being a weed-smoking degenerate and take it as a sign I shouldn't do it anymore? I tried LSD after I had the psychotic episode and I was fine.
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>>25950975
don't do salvia, it's terrible

my trip was that reality tore apart and god and I were the only two souls in existance

for eturnity he would create a new reality filled with fake people- puppets and give me a fake identity only to rip it apart just to fuck with me

I had to talk myself down from panic attacks for a year because of the constant deja vu that salvia causes fucking with my head

get some mushrooms if you want to trip, that shit was pleasant
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>>25950995

>Delusions, thinking the FBI and CIA were watching me for doing illegal substances

That's not beyond the realm of reason. Government agencies have kept dossiers on people, and there is no real privacy on the Internet. This doesn't sound delusional to me at all.

>thought they could see me on my webcam so probably covered it up at one point.

It makes perfect sense to keep your webcam covered.

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/feb/27/gchq-nsa-webcam-images-internet-yahoo

>Britain's surveillance agency GCHQ, with aid from the US National Security Agency, intercepted and stored the webcam images of millions of internet users not suspected of wrongdoing, secret documents reveal.

>GCHQ files dating between 2008 and 2010 explicitly state that a surveillance program codenamed Optic Nerve collected still images of Yahoo webcam chats in bulk and saved them to agency databases, regardless of whether individual users were an intelligence target or not.

>Delusions of grandeur, thought I was a god at one point, thought I had healing powers and could revive someone with my bare hands.

Okay. Now I see you really did go to crazy town (no offense).

Glad you got better, man.
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>>25951051
>y trip was that reality tore apart and god and I were the only two souls in existance
dope
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>>25951031

I would suggest talking to a doctor rather than relying on advice from /r9k/ in this case.
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>>25951013
There's a black autistic guy who talks about this kind of thing. He said he had to deliberately and consciously learn to write long term memories.
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>>25951078
Oh yeah, forgot to say. I would just make no sense when speaking to my family, my thoughts were fucked up and racing. Also thanks.

>>25951099
I have but they just offered generic advice like they don't condone drug use. Talked to my doctor and psychiatrist and they said just don't touch the stuff, I guess it doesn't help that we don't know what it was for definite
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>>25951013

I think with language far less now than I used to, and I feel much better for it.

I used to have an internal dialog of thoughts in English (and sometimes in Spanish, my second language) most all the time, and it sucked.

Now I rarely think in words and it feels nicer. I'm happier this way.
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not sure if it's derealization, but weed has definitely brought out the worst of my obsessive compulsive disorder. one time i smoked i had a fucking awful anxiety attack and afterwards spent nearly three weeks in a persistent hell of negativity. I honestly think I've never recovered from that, because my obsessions have gotten worse since then. now i obsess over trivial and inconsequential things, but I won't dive into that.
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>>25951176
I always have an abstract, a main voice, an alternate voice who says the left field shit, and a naysayer in the back, followed by music.
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>>25951147

If you really want an answer, I'd look for a doctor who specializes in researching cannabinoids. You might have to look around the Internet for a while.

A lot of the time, in medicine, there are very few hard and fast answers to patients' questions. And a lot of the time, two doctors will offer contradictory advice.

Sometimes it can be hard to know what to do. Were you smoking weed constantly by the way, or just occasionally?

It's better not to stay stoned 24/7 desu
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>>25951190
anyways, i find if i go into weed with a negative mindset, I'm fucked.

i meditate now. it stops the anxiety from filling up in my gut. but if I go a few days without meditating and smoke, I pretty much doom myself for ~2 hours
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can someone describe exactly what "depersonalization" is or how it feels? what makes someone who is depersonalized different to what one would call a "normal" person?
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>>25949938
i think i got something like that. i've been playing an mmorpg for literally 16-18 hours per day for the last half year. i don't even know what my irl personality is like, because i don't live irl.
i also wake up at like 10pm and go to bed at noon, which isolates me even more from the world.

i don't know if this is depersonalization, but i feel extremely weird when i'm outside of the game. (taking a piss, getting food or whatever)
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>>25951258
Shit doesn't feel real, as in you don't feal real. It's like sounds underwater compared to hearing in air. It's like when you're super tired and you are almost on autopilot, like when you can't remember the last two turns because you spaced out.
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>>25951190

I have OCD symptoms (no formal diagnosis). I made a thread about it but didn't get many replies.

I have a fixation on flaws in glassware. I love glass but get very frustrated by nicks, scratches, or cracks in any glass things I own.

Glass is perfect when it's a smooth monolith. The slightest flaw fundamentally alters its nature...it's hard for me to describe my feelings about it. I don't know if you'll understand but maybe you will.

I also worry about the flaws in the glass enabling tiny glass particles to fall out and lead to disease. This brings the issue of health anxiety into it--which doesn't make that much sense because I don't really care if I die to be honest. I have a lot of long-term health issues already and life isn't very fun for me, so I wouldn't mind if I died. But...potter's rot would be a bad way to go I guess.

Has anyone ever gotten potter's rot from flaws in glassware? Of course not...at least such a case doesn't exist in the medical literature.
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>>25950713
>Sam Harris
Not really interested in some hippie pseudoscience
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>>25951324
Glass is a liquid, think about that and maybe you will care less.
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>>25951258
i'm >>25951190 and don't know much about depersonalization/derealization

all I remember, much vividly, is one night being driven home from some wedding, and having some kind of fucking psychedelic mind fuck (without drugs) as we were going down the highway. It was definitely bad trip-ish, like reality was all a blur. didn't help that i was listening to a song that gives off derealized vibes
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>>25951236
holy shit this makes me feel so much better
my mind is the exact same way
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>>25951240
I'll look into that. Occasionally. I ordered some off the deep web, one was skunk and one wasn't I think. I smoked some of the non-skunk and I was fine, smoked the skunk and then literally the next day I started having strong symptoms of drug-induced psychosis.
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>>25951236

I had that going on and I'm so glad I don't anymore.

Now I hardly think in words and barely hear music in my head. It's so much better.

The sheer quietude is amazing. I rarely think in text or voices and it's just so good.

I hear a lot less music in my head now too. Although I'm hearing this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvwfLe6sLis

Because I saw the Shawshank Redemption yesterday and it plays at the beginning.
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>>25951360
it was this song btw
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eltn_nyOPh8
To be honest it perfectly describes the sensation I was feeling. I'm not in the best mindset to describe it through words, so just listen to the song. Particularly the refrain with the glitched drums.
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>>25951236
my inner speech is voice less, but I can feel it speaking, every word of it
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>>25951350

What part of his talk was pseudoscientific?
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>>25951408
Dude, I don't even hear actual written songs. My head just makes tunes up that I can pick apart in layers because I listened to music at every possible moment with mp3 players and cds since I was six. I don't understand how songs can get stuck in peoples heads and haven't had it happen in like 5 years. Like, I deliberately can change the tracks in my head or make up new ones.
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>>25951353

It actually isn't though; that's just a myth.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMU1vXn8bqU

It's an amorphous solid.

I appreciate you trying to make me feel better though.
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>>25951324
As a fellow sufferer, the disoreder neevr ceases to amaze me.

We obsess over the most trivial fucking shit, yet it feels like the god damn world to us, like it means everything to our being.
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>>25949938
im really edgy so i give myself labels like that
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>>25951415
death grips is so derealization inducing
i just got into death grips like 5 days ago after hating it for months, and it's just a complete mindfuck

i have this feeling now that there are two worlds. one world which is basically the normie world, getting a job, being happy and communicating with people. and the other world of just being a complete degenerate, doing crack, being homeless and killing myself. this fucking music seriously makes suicide look like an option to me.
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>>25951518
back to your frogposting threads
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>was depersonalized all my life from starting elementary school to finishing it, with a few gaps when I was comfy at home
>started chugging cough medicine erryday at 18 or 19, depersonalization on the whole (not just when tripping) skyrocketed for about a year or two, felt like I was halfway between here and the void at all times, good feels
>suddenly tolerance begins kicking in, depersonalization waning over the course of a year or so
>mfw never depersonalize anymore, even when I go outside, feel like I'm trapped in reality with no way out

I can't believe it actually ended up "fixing" me but desu I didn't want to be fixed. Either that or I just got so used to it that now it seems normal.
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>>25951560
*starting elementary school to finishing high school
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>>25951541
kek, suicide ain't your stallion

death grips if anything should save you from killing yourself. listen to Centuries of Damn and On GP pleb
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Hey I know this is really random (pls no bully) but I think you guys might enjoy this Super Nintendo game called Demon's Crest.

When I've felt in a weird mood, playing that game was very therapeutic for me.
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>>25951621
I just hold my cat
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>>25951588
i love both of those tracks and they make me think even more about suicide. have you heard the lyrics?
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>>25951664

I haven't listened to the songs and I'm not the person you were talking to, but I think if you kill yourself it'll just be nothing.

Like it won't be any kind of accomplishment, or heaven, or anything.

It'll just be absolutely nothing at all.
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>>25951013
I only think in pictures. This wasn't always the case though. I recall a time when I thought with an internal dialog. After I fell from a tree and hit my head, that ceased. My memory is eidetic and photographic. While it does have its perks, it's probably the worst hell you can imagine. If you recall everything visually, you never forget the smallest details. I recall what people looked like even if I've only seen them once; I learned my lesson never to talk to them about it anymore though. I can pinpoint what they were doing, wearing, time of day, etc. This goes back as far as from when I was a child. It freaks everyone out. I can also remember building layouts, patterns, and literally everything else.

The only positive thing about this is when I get obsessed with topics, I never forget anything. That's legitimately the only saving grace.
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>>25951713
we weren't talking about what happens when we die but you're right. i don't think anything will happen when we die either.
but i was talking about how that music just makes me embrace death. like i don't even care about my life anymore. it's not pretty music but it really does something to your state of mind. at least for me.
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>>25951816

Have you read any of Ligotti's works? You might enjoy them.
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>>25951788
sounds alot like aspergers, i got it too.
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>>25951788
I'm trying to develop this
I'm jelly
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>>25951190
weed is the only thing that helps my ocd
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>>25951935
no but im gonna check it out right now, thanks
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>>25951713
I had something of an NDE and this is mostly true
I felt my entire body fade away, and I was left with no sense of time or thoughts
Just a blank field of "vision". I did hallucinate a mushroom cloud exploding though, and then I came to to find out I had fallen over and was seizing.

I dunno about actual death but the approach to death seems like an approach to either nothingness or something so completely alien from this that you could hardly call it heaven or hell
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>>25950484
Holy shit! EXACTLY the same story. I balled so loudly that the random's house I was at's mother forced us to get out. I ended up throwing up over a fast food restaurant table as the workers and everyone around as looked in horror. I was so out of it I don't really remember much.

I remember 3 symptoms of my high though
1) total depersonalization like you described. It was as though I was watching a movie or something it was surreal.
2) something I call "the wave" where the wave-like effect you see in cartoons entering and exiting a dream. That visual effect was basically what I saw and felt as my entire body was riding the wave. It was very weird.
3) De ja vu which lasted for 30 minutes. That was probably the most horrifying of all because it was then I thought I am reliving the universe over and over and over on replay and this helped me realize it. it was the definition of hell.

Friends thought I lost my mind as they awkwardly watched me crying so fucking loudly like I was a 2 year old.
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>>25952121
literally nothing will happen. you won't /experience/ anything when you're dead. when you're dying or having a near death experience your brain might do weird things because of lack of oxygen or shock.
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>got into a motorcycle accident and broke my femur.
>really sad
>psichologist told me to visit a psichiatrist
>psichiatrist gave me some medicine, told me it was PTSD and would last six months
>It's been one year
>before the accident I was one of the best students at the college, after that I needed to repeat 3 of the 5 subjects I was studying, one of them I will try for the third time this semester
>before the accident I was a virgin, never cared too much, now I fuck a trap or a hooker once a month
>started to cry because of ordinary things
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