considering killing myself very much
i've fucked up everything I could for two years now and I see no hope anymore
Everyday is shame and anger, I just want to fucking end it now
I'm only saying that because you're asking
>graduate from high school with a decent average
>because of this I get to take preparatory classes to elite schools (in France)
>work my ass off for a year, skipping a lot of sleep and many meals
>fail anyway (only one to fail too)
>now in university, failing even harder, can't even understand some subjects regardless of how hard I study them
>joblessness in France is awful and you can't hope for any career if you don't have a degree in something that's not related to technology or engineering
>I'm failing college-level studies twice in a row simply because I'm not good enough, my parents are ashamed of me, so is my girlfriend, my personality being shitty and my thought patterns being strange don't help, my parents think I fuck everything up on purpose and my girlfriend think I might be autistic (I'm not though)
>plus I've had a varying level of depression, violent tendencies and anxiety since I'm a child, and contemplated suicide countless times before, but now it's becoming a serious idea
I'm obviously not the only person in the world who feels like shit but I'm too weak to keep containing it anymore
Also I want to have a job that makes money because I'd like to start a family with my girlfriend and you can't really get decent money off a McJob (not that McDonald's would hire me anyway, as my parents say, I am too incompetent and my skin disease doesn't give off a sense of good hygiene either)
I've had to start over from scratch after years of effort. It sucks but I'm where i needed to be because of perseverance. If i had only made all the right decisions from the beginning but i cant let that sort of thinking cripple me, lifes all about learning experiences anyways.
You only get one shot at life. Even if you hate it, no matter how bad it gets, there is always something new to see or learn about. If what you're doing isn't turning out, stop and change. I realise that it can be hard to do, especially in the ridiculous meritocracy that we find ourselves in, but don't give up. Life may be hell, but go see the sights before you decide to quit. Its kinda the attitude that keeps me going.