>Be 19 year old Lebanese American grill >Blonde hair and white skin, most people think I'm aryan >At 17 had to pretty much cut ties with my family because they wanted to marry me off to some asshole twice my age who already had three wives >Enrolled myself in college, too late for scholarships >Had to support myself and pay for everything >Trouble finding a job, get one offer >It's from a recruiter for an escort agency >Research it, decide to do it on my own just enough to pay the bills until I could find something better >I was raped, not just once, but three times >Last time was at gunpoint by a gang of "urban youth" who robbed me then took me to a rental house and gangraped me again for most of the night >Escaped out a window into the ghetto with no clothes on >Probably lucky I wasn't raped again >Still in college >Trying to fix my life >Just want to meet a nice guy who will cuddle with me at night >Nobody will ever want me after all of this >I just wanted to go to college and be a normal american girl
I have nightmares about it, and I almost vomit from the flashbacks. Feels like life is over.
I really don't anymore. I mean, I occasionally genuinely question whether or not I'm a good person. I guess I'm always keeping myself in check in that way, but my ideas of what being a "good person" actually means have changed as I've gotten older.
As far as obsessively berating myself or spiraling into dark and twisted self loathing thought loops, that has decreased dramatically to the point where I can actually focus on other things...feels fucking great man.
This shit can really happen. You can train your brain to refocus that negative energy. You can reshape the way your mind operates. It's a long and painful process, but if you hold onto hope, it's possible.
>>25803204 I don't have any hobbies, passions, interests, etc. All I do is sit around and consume media and think about the future and cry. I'm going to be a NEET fucking loser because I'm not good at anything and I don't have anything I can turn into a career. The only thing my negative energy will focus into is tying a noose when I'm 30.
>>25803250 The fact of the matter is, there's not one single thing I can say that wil make any of that not true.
All I can tel you is that, if you would prefer NOT to die, if you still feel like life is worth living, you should chose to actually live.
Coping with suffering and the overwhelming burden of intelligence and self awareness in what is often such a painful life...is not easy, and it's not something that happens overnight, in weeks, months, or years. But I think it's a worthwhile experience in and of itself.
>>25803139 Why would you become a whore? Describe the rapes Why didn't you get a bodyguard after the first rape? Why would someone want someone so broken and traumatized like you? Are you seeking validation on r9k? Are you seeking someone to save you?
>>25803391 > falling for the roast meme Vaginas don't change with penetration you virgin. The only thing to permanently reck that shit is childbirth. Do you guys even now how the bulva works? Youre not stretching the labia when you push it in
Anyone have a lot of problems dating back to elementary/middle school? I would burst into tears for no reason, and feel sick all the time. As I got older I learned to push it down and it turned into depression/suicidal thoughts. Now I'm at the point where I think I might be gay or something I have no fucking idea.
>Why would you become a whore? To make enough money to escape having nothing, including family. >Describe the rapes The first one was a date rape where I was drugged, the second one wasn't a rape until he slipped the condom off while his wife held my arms. The third one was at gunpoint and at multiple locations. >Why didn't you get a bodyguard after the first rape? Wouldn't have helped with the first two, but I bought a gun after the first one. >Why would someone want someone so broken and traumatized like you? They wouldn't. >Are you seeking validation on r9k? Not my thread. why make or even show up to this thread if you're just here to bitch about it >Are you seeking someone to save you? Who would want to?
Hate myself to the point where even if Chad himself asked me out I'd decline People here seem to think that being a girl or normie or anyone accepted by others has no reason to be sad, but honestly being liked by others hurts me more than anything else because I don't deserve it, they don't know all my flaws and if they did they'd hate me or be disgusted by me like I am. I pretend to be a normal pretty girl but that's only because I work so hard to appear that way and hide everything wrong with me I've always been a freak and I'll always be below all other humans
They were a couple who I had seen several times before. They liked threesomes. I was asked several times if the husband could use me bareback and I always said no. The time that they raped me the wife was playing with my upper body, kissing me etc, when the husband pulled out and started doing something. I looked up to see what it was when I felt him slide back in, and I started to get up to push him off but his wife held my arms down. Then he raped me until he came inside of me. I kept trying to kick him but he laughed at me.
>>25803538 Lie, bitch. Don't tell anyone about the rape if it really drives people away that badly.
But in all honesty, if you're hot then men are still going to want you. Not all men, and certainly it's confronting to hear that someone's been both a prostitute and raped, but if you've changed your lifestyle there will still be some men who will accept you for you.
Just might take more work in finding the right guy.
>>25803507 >age 3, confused when other children call me a boy >ask mom, she says I'm a boy >still confused but believe it's true (which it is obviously) >grow more and more uncomfortable with myself >learn about puberty >tried to castrate myself at age 10, couldn't do it >tried again with different methods but pussed out every time >tell parents about feelings >it's just 'a phase', believe them >ignore feelings >start crossdressing at age 11, actually feel ok looking at myself >dad finds me wearing a dress and starts sexually abusing me (i've posted this on /r9k/ like twenty times already) >he ends up killing himself when I'm 15, mom throws me out shortly after, homeless >convince myself that these feelings are all in my head and they ruined my life and I have to fight them >spend the next several years burying my feelings as hard as I can, doing everything to "man up" end up wasting 5 years fighting the feelings only for them to end up much stronger >can't look at myself in a mirror without wanting to die >can't look at girls without feeling intense jealousy >can't look at guys either without feeling jealousy because they can just be normal and that's all I really want
>>25803596 Oh fuck off. You're liked by others, lets say that *Hurts*. It's the place that is causing the pain or a reaction that causes the pain. Ok, why do you want to act so normal? TO BE LIKED BY OTHERS? DOESN'T MATTER. STOP. PAIN GONE.
>>25803734 That's only one part of it. When people like me, compliment me, try to befriend me, or think they fall in love with me, it just reminds me that it's not really me they like, and reminds me of all my insecurities. I HAVE to act normal though, because even if hiding everything about me sucks, it sucks less than exposing everything I hate about myself
>>25803112 this is basically me. i hate myself even more because i have basically no fucking reason to feel or be this way, all things considered my life has been fantastic up until a few years ago, even though i was never really happy. i had every opportunity to do well and i just squandered it whenever i could
>Extensively sexually harass female friend when I was about 13-14 >Even got to the point where you could say I molested her >She tried to kill herself and soon after moved away, I can only assume because of me >Afraid to talk to anyone, especially women after that >Every time I remember it I want to kill myself >Get mad whenever I see one of these threads because the robots who reply have very minimal reason to hate themselves
>>25803902 >>Get mad whenever I see one of these threads because the robots who reply have very minimal reason to hate themselves You chose to do that, I've hated myself since I was in kindergarten because I was born into a shitty life, same with lots of other femanons and robots
>>25803936 After all those questions I'm still doubtful of (You).
Why going to college instead of trying to find a job? Why don't you know what you want to do in college? Why falling for the college meme? Why not going to another country? Why whoring yourself? Why sharing this story with us instead of going on reddit and asking for their money (normies will fall for this shit so easily)?
It just sounds like some elaborate bait, or you're very, very lost.
>>25803984 In my opinion hating yourself because of what you've done is more valid than hating yourself because of what's been done to you. The later isn't really hating yourself as much as it is hating your circumstances.
>>25804052 When I say born into a shitty life, in my case I mean one where I have things I was born with I can't control that I hate about myself, physical and mental traits, along with a life that helps my self loathing grow. I had an abusive parent that pretty much trained me to hate myself and think of myself as dirt so that really emphasised my negative traits in my mind. The main reasons I hate myself aren't because of anything I've done or anything that's been done to me but who I've always been
I wish I had a real friend. I don't have anybody in real life. Haven't in years. Never had a girlfriend, never even had a female friend. Even the friends I used to have didn't feel like real friends, they felt like people who put up with me.
People on /r9k/ always offer to be friends, so I add them on Skype or what have you, and it sputters out within a week tops. I'm just too uninteresting or bad at having a conversation I guess. Plus I get clingy. One person I added from /r9k/ removed me because he said I was messaging him too much. I really liked him.
I wish I had a friend that cared about ME like I care about them. I've never been messaged first, I've never been invited to anything or asked to do anything, it's always me asking and them turning it down.
I want someone to be excited to see me. I want someone to miss me when I'm gone. I want to love and be loved. But I know I'm not worth it. I'm not interesting or funny or charismatic enough for someone else to care about.
Sorry if this post is faggy but it really hurts me. All my life I feel like I've been passively observing life instead of participating. Like everyone has their own bubbles and I've poked inside of them but never completely entered any other bubble. I've never fit in anywhere.
>>25804294 No. I know you think it will go differently but I've had like ten people remove me within a few weeks of meeting them. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of wasting people's time. Something is fundamentally wrong with me.
>>25804147 Hating yourself because you were stockholmed into hating yourself is perfectly valid and understandable, but again I feel like it's more a hatred of your environment. If you had been given different circumstances you probably wouldn't hate yourself which I think shows that it isn't strictly a hatred of oneself. However, when a cuck such as myself fucks up their own life, a change in circumstance wont change that self-loathing. Maybe not the most eloquently explained, but I think you'll get what I'm trying to say.
Also: In my case I want to find a way to atone for being a piece of shit, what do you have to atone for? Though, in your own defense at least there's a small chance I can move on from my self-loathing through actions, but it is unlikely.
>>25804323 >>25804280 hi anonnu-kun i've literally talked with mentally handicapped, regarded, autistic people for months and they were the ones to remove me first i'm also not that interesting as a person and was satisfied with talking with boring people even only for a little, if you don't delete me, I won't delete you, and we can talk anytime we can, and don't get stressed ow worried about anything you say, I'm a very patient and understanding person now gibbe skype
>>25803698 Damn it that seems really hard. So why haven't you transitioned yet? It seems to be the solution to your problems. How wxactly and why your father killed himself? And how did the abuse occur?
>>25804342 I understand what you're saying but I think there's also things I would have hated about myself anyways, even without their influence. I'm a girl and I know r9k says that there are guys who will live and accept ANY girl, I have such awful physical flaws I have to hide that nobody could ever love me if they knew and that's how I've felt about it since I was a child. I might have nothing to "atone" for but I guess the conditioning makes me feel like I owe everyone just for existing in their presence and I don't thinks anything can ever undo that And I think the fact that you feel so awful about what you did mean you're not a really bad person because of it, please don't be so hard on yourself. It's in the past and what you can do now is try to balance it out with kindness in the future. You can't undo it but you don't have to hate yourself forever because of something you regret.
>>25804391 I realised that this only made people feel sorry for me. It was awful because I don't deserve their pity or time. Now I act like a big self-aggrandizing d-bag. Sometimes it's fun because it runs people off and I get to pretend that things are okay.
>>25804458 >facial and body hair I developed way worse and earlier than other girls, easy to hide on face and legs but I'd never let anyone see my body >developed sweating problem because of anxiety/OCD >lots of other OCD-related problems, pretty much a freak mentally >covered in scars from self harm or stuff I've done to myself because of OCD >disgusting body although I can't really see what it's like because I have an eating disorder >grew up a neglected only child with freak parents so I never learned how to do things like everyone else, literally everything I do is weird and wrong
>>25804484 I certainly get where you're coming from. My mother pretty actively tried to get me to hate myself, especially after this whole ordeal with my friend. I guess some of my self-loathing was due to her. While I've gotten better over the years I still do hate myself, just not so extremely. In my experience it helps a lot to have good friends that you can open yourself up to to a certain extent, as well as breaking off all ties with the reasons you hated yourself to begin with. While I don't know what exactly it is that makes you believe you're completely unlikable, I don't believe that anyone is completely hate-able by everyone, you just gotta get to know someone who isn't completely fake. I know that this isn't the easiest thing to do, but it's not impossible and I think the effort of finding friends who will accept you for who you are (however cliche that might be) is well worth the effort. The hardest part I think is becoming more socially adept and therefor makes it easier for people to take the time to actually see if they like you or not. It takes practice, and you'll probably have to deal with a lot of failure, but once you have one good friend to critique you it's a lot easier to change for the better. Of course, you have to be willing to change.
I've been crying for an hour because I gave my room mate $10 when he went to the grocery store and asked them to bring back a tub of nonfat, plain greek yogurt. Of all the brands, he bought Greek Gods. The thought of consuming eat is so sickening, there are 18g of sugar in it and 12g of protein. I know it's my own fault, for not being more specific but christ.
I'm debating whether to just throw it away or to try and return it. I hate how ridiculous this is, and myself for not just getting over it.
>Tried to get with all of my sister's friends back in the day >They were all significantly older than me and let it go as far as spooning, made out with a few >Any time I tried to go farther than that, they told me one way or another to stop >Years later I'm trying to get with this girl who is blatantly leading me on and it becomes apparent she was just flirting with me to get closer to my friend >Now I've lost weight, put on muscle, improved my wardrobe, and worked up some a good 5 o'clock shadow >Women initiate with me all the time but I shrink out of the conversation the second they compliment me because on the inside, I'm still a fat bastard destined to lose in everything I do
>tfw self harm scars, nobody knows about them >tfw found out my friends shit talk about me all the time >tfw 0 friends (not even internet friends) and struggle to socialize/bond with people, assume they are just going to make fun of me behind my back again >tfw you just want people to have someone to have interest in you
>>25805124 read my first post that i referred to in that post you referred to >>25805190 hey he had a bit of a point and rejection is the easiest way to get rid of something you hate, you could have accepted him and loved him like I do
>>25804876 The fact that you realise it's a petty matter is a good thing. it's easy to be disappointed in january with shop-trips but it's cold fuck it. try again some other time - it's all good intentions, blame winter. you'll get your yogurt. don't feel silly for being upset and don't feel angry for the order being wrong.
>>25803115 I love me, but past me fuck that guy. He can go die in a fire. He was a fucking addict for 4 years of college and he accomplished nothing, but a degree with a shit tier GPA for my major which I don't actually like anymore.
>>25805015 There is no advice you can give me because such a thing is impossible with my face, genetics, etc. It may theoretically be possible with personality (I doubt having the kind of intuition that I'm looking for can be "trained") but definitely not with my face. Even plastic surgery is out of the question.
>>25805259 Also, it's not just personally: all the relationships I've fucked up, my family, my history, the memories of my experiences, stuff that I can never really escape as long as I'm alive. I want to be a totally different person
>>25804867 Hi, it's the original poster. I didn't want to be rude and just ignore you so that's why I'm writing this.
I can't. I can't form a "friendship" where the basis of it is that I'm a disgusting self-hating loser. There's no way that can end up good in any way. Even if you're trying to "help" me or whatever, you're pitying me. I don't want to be pitied.
I really really really appreciate your gesture but I can't handle it.
>>25805285 Fuck the past. Don't you want to live in the future that you fantasize about? So what if you don't end up looking like Thor? Even being an amiable, ugly, fit guy is better than being the piece of shit that you are right now. It's going to be a slog but you have to start somewhere.
Just remember keep your goals small, achievable and constantly update them.
>>25805454 >You only hate yourself because you want to I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO NOT HATE MYSELF LIKE THIS I literally hate myself more than any robot who wants a gf because I would never accept a bf because I hate myself too much and don't deserve it. And you all want sex when I'm going to die a virgin because I hate my body so much
>>25805461 Everybody in the chat is a lonely loser. They don't pity you; they want your company. A NEET friend always has time to respond.
Everyone in there is also a disgusting loser trying to remain prideful and help others so they can feel slightly "superior". They're no better than you are-- they're just like you. People who find it difficult to form relationships in real life, so they go online anonymously to find similar like-minded folk.
>just turned 26 >working a dead end warehouse job >moved literally across the street from said job. Hated commuting >make $10/hr, full-time, no benefits or vacation >no room for promotion, hate my boss >started drinking again. Live alone.
>>25805461 you don't sound like those to me, i'm bad at thinking badly of people, and it wouldn't be out of pity, you actually sound pretty nice to talk with and sorta' smart, just depressed from being lonely, so better than 99% of this board
>>25803050 There's nothing not to hate. I'm lazy, dumb and unable to change. I'm a waste of air and money. Way past the teen years and I'm still just leeching off my family like a fucking kid. I know I didn't ask to be born, but no parent should be punished with someone like me just for having sex. That's too much. But being the leech that I am, I can't even muster the courage to end my pitiful life. This only makes me hate myself even more.
>>25806036 that guy has only been saying things as bait in this entire thread, now use your best judgement as to whether he's a completely honest and nice moralboy that totally isn't jacking off to ruining the relationships of people
>>25806301 sucks to hear its the same for you anon
ive never considered bdd, ive always just hated my face, the rest im okay with, but always hiding it as much as i can. on top of that its also the fact that im constantly reminded of what a giant failure i am.
if it wasnt because i rented this place, id tear down the mirror
>>25803050 Yep. Whenever I'm not distracting myself with something these thoughts float into my head telling me I'm worthless and reminding me how shitty a person I am.
I do very often feel that sickness right in my stomach, I'll end up just staring at the wall for a while trying to rationalize why things are the way they are in my life, or why I'm such a weak individual that I can't get by in normal society like a normal person.
I've been diagnosed with clinical depression and am prescribed SSRIs but I haven't been taking them because I don't want to become reliant on them. I took them for about a year and they worked fine but they didn't really help change my mindset to become more optimistic or anything like I thought they would, they just made my shitty mindset somewhat more tolerable, so I figured if I was going to be a pessimist forever there's no point even taking meds anyway.
My life is just pure, unfiltered hopeless suffering at this point, I could be given everything in the world and I'd still be suicidal.
Oh, you know it man. I hate myself for being a failure, for messing up so many relationships and friendships that I could have had, but ruined because I am an awkward weirdo. I hate myself for not being as smart or as academically proficient as I want to be, I hate myself for being a lazy coward who is too afraid of failure to even try. I hate myself for being a clumsy POS who cares about people who don't care about me. I hate myself for pretending everything is Ok, I hate myself for existing. I haven't killed myself because I know gaylords who are way worse than I am who are moderately successful, and I don't know if I can achieve my goal of being an engineer, but at least I can live comfortably until I decide to take the big sleep.
Yup. At my core I'm a coward. Everything I do is dictated by my fear or everyone and everything. I'm just such a useless fucking pussy that's incapable of overcoming how much a a goddamn coward I am.
I'm on the edge of everything falling apart and I'm too much of a pussy to do anything about it. As soon as I acknowledge my problems they become real. It's safer to just ignore them. Besides I'm too afraid to try because I might fail. What kind of fucking logic is that? I know that by not trying I'm only assuring my failure. But being aware of this doesn't change anything. What the fuck is wrong with me?
The worst part is when my mom tells me she's proud of me. I figure it'll be another 2 or 3 months until she founds out how bad I've fucked everything up. That's going to crush me
>>25803397 Be a tranny, as a cis male scum advice, it must arduous being a tans who wants to get on with life and vocal cunts like Brianna Wu and tumblr make being trans look like a sanctimonious heroic crusade
>>25805279 There is always a chance that shit will go uphill and you'll get whatever you wanted. As long as that chance is there, you have no reason to an hero.
Come on anon, hold on. Find a passion and pursue it no matter the cost, ignore all the negative bullshit. I know you'll get there eventually. Even if you don't, the average human life-span is a tiny fraction of time in the grand scheme of things. We're only here for a split second, there's no point in ending it so soon, especially when good shit can still happen.
I can honestly say the only person I hate is myself. Just waiting for things to get bad enough to push me to actually end it. It's like watching a bad tv show, but it's not bad enough to make me actually get up and grab the remote. For about twelve years now I've been living one really bad day away from suicide, basically. >tfw been depressed for almost half your life >tfw was constantly sad for years before that because of people you loved dying and constant bullying >tfw haven't been happy with life in over 20 years >tfw nobody you trust enough to talk to about it
>>25808333 this, very much this >tfw been depressed for 2/3rds of your life >tfw it got worse every single day for 16 years >tfw the only time i can remember hapiness was when a girl played me for a fool, proceed to crash dive into even more self hating
>spend time in the company of others >just being myself having a good time >later that night when alone >think about stuff i said and even just how my voice sounds when i talk >think about my laugh and what my face looks like >despise it all and get genuinely angry with myself
>>25808681 I think the last time I was truly happy was mid-November of 1995. I was 5 years old, and, to a 5 year old, anything after Halloween is "almost Christmas". I wasn't really being bullied at the time so that was okay. Then a few weeks later I found out my grandma had cancer. I didn't know what it was but everyone seemed upset. Then I woke up on Christmas Eve and found out she had died. Things really went downhill from there. More people died. My family split up. I went from being a little shy to not talking to anyone and got bullied a lot. I was sort of happy for a little while in 2004 because there was a girl, but there were always those nagging feelings of self-hatred and anxiety and everything that comes with depression. Then she broke my heart and my life went into free-fall.
I have fallen into a hole of big black cock addiction that I cannot climb out of.
I am convinced; white is the most effeminate skin color. Black is the most masculine. White women are made for black men. White men hold an uneasy middle ground trending towards femininity by association and emasculation by the black man.
White genes are recessive. Black genes are dominant. When you realize this fact, you'll either lash out in racist fear or fully embrace it and let nature take its course.
Nobody cares about your IQ or your civilized society. What's yours is going to be theirs.
>>25808745 sorry to hear anon, for me it started at 7 when i cracked due to physical and emotional abuse by my mom, everything went downhill from there, slowing down a bit in the tweens before going downhill again when i switched school, then two summers ago i though i had found the one thing i always wanted, although it was a long distance relationship i loved her and she wanted me to come over, i did and it was, at the time, the best that that ever happened to me, then im told that she got knocked up not even a week after i visited by one of my best friends, i have never felt such betrayal and it just nose dived from there. years of isolation and abuse have left me pretty messed up, ive got nothing left to live for, i honestly dont know why im holding on still
>>25809688 By becoming more likable. First identify what it is exactly that turns people off, then try to remedy it, one thing by another. Social skills, like any other skill, can be learned. You just have to work for it.
>orbiters still replying to that one supremely early post Fucking hell I came in here thinking I'd find a comfy 200 post thread on being a horrible person, and all I see is roast beef flapping and orbiters orbiting. I want to kill all of you.
I'm a narcissist. I cannot stop thinking about myself.
Mostly, how much I hate myself. It doesn't make be feel too bad though. It doesn't hurt emotionally. I don't feel "physically sick" when I see myself, because that would mean I don't think I should be hated, when I should. I'm a failure genetically and socially. I'm not supposed to breed, or enjoy life. This is how things should be.
I still feel a small sense of heartbreak, but it'll fade, as it should.
I never want someone to tell me they love me. I never want to stop loathing myself. I've spent my whole life being disproven, and if this is to be yet another, the last that I know of myself will be eliminated.
I hate myself a lot, I feel like I don't deserve to live, but I can't bring myself to end it because of my parents.
Why should someone who has failed in every aspect of life be allowed to live? Why should someone who makes everyone hate him be allowed to live? Why should someone who can't even leave his room be allowed to live?
> Clinically depressed for at least 8 years > At its worst I went full NEET for a full year > Managed to claw myself back to reality just enough to get to college and do something > Start stringing some successes together > Had hoped along the way I'd shed the self-loathing > Nope > Any time I had some success, my standards would jump up a level so I'm perpetually inadequate > Graduate last summer > Get a job in game dev almost immediately > Really enjoy it > Allows me to fill my mind with problems and things to do, and surrounds me with people I can relate with > When I come back from work, the hatred starts to seep back in > Play more games/watch engrossing tv or film/drink to try to escape it. > Realize the rest of my life will be spent trying to escape my own mind > I'm ok with this
>>25803139 getting raped aint great. same me too happened twice. well two incidents 1st time was an all night hotel ordeal. 2nd time i got reallllyy fucking wasted and they held me down and i was fuck noodle. also, im a guy. idk if man anymore tho
>>25803139 Damn. There's a lot of assholes replying to this. Sorry about that, femanon. That all really sucks and those people sound fucking awful. You're not bad, and there's nothing wrong with you, so please don't think that way. obviously it's fine if you can't, I just mean you're not a bad person, you didn't have a choice, and anyone blaming you or saying that you're worthless because of it is stupid, mean, and wrong. You're good, and your intentions weren't somehow malevolent, you just got dealt a bad hand. That bad hand is awful and traumatising, but that doesn't change that it's not your fault and you didn't have a choice. Seriously, don't listen to the idiots on here (idiots on here, not all-people on here), they're just trying to put others down, and feel like they're fighting for something.
you know how weeaboos intentionally do that shy stutter typing thing? that's me, except i'm not doing it intentionally
i can't initiate a conversation. when someone initiates one with me my eyes immediately go to my shoes because prolonged eye contact terrifies me. i answer in small bursts, usually i'll stutter and then my face will get all red because i know i fucked up what i was trying to say. i'm typically trying to just exit the conversation as fast as possible.
the only people i'm really comfortable talking to is my mother and my one friend i made back in elementary school when i wasn't such a neurotic fucking freak. i don't know if i'm capable of making new friends, but i really want to. i can't have a healthy normal conversation.
also, i fucking hate when people ask me about my tastes. like when someone says "what music do you like?" or "what hobbies do you have?", oh i just want to fall over and die. they're being so nice too and i feel so rude but i hate talking about myself. talk about YOU. i like to listen. i'll listen to you talk about you for hours. just don't ask me about me please.
Yes, and I think this is the most damning reason why I will never have a girlfriend.
I want a companion so badly, but who would be companion to someone as whiny and self-loathing as me? They could choose literally anyone else. I'm uninteresting, depressing, and overall emotionally unstable. If I had a clone of myself, I would hate him and never hang out with him. Why should I expect others to hang out with me?
>>25809681 >If you hate yourself, why don't you just change what you what about you? I've tried so many times.
Take how cringeworthy and annoying a person I am. I tried to rectify this by simply not talking, after all, I figured if I did that I wouldn't say anything stupid, get on anyone's nerves, or be an embarrassment. It turned out that my unwillingness to speak was a bother to those around me, and that in and of itself was cringeworthy. I just can't win.
>>25809752 I don't fucking understand. How do I identify this, I was never told what's unattractive in me? Fucking for the whole life I've been started to be ignored after a week of any acquaintanceships I tried to make, parents were blaming me for being retarded, laughing at me when I tried to do something, Internet guys I'd played vidya with also called me an autist, one of them said I should've checked if I had some kind of mental disease, whatever. What the fuck is wrong?
Whats the point of a relationship? I see all my friends that are in them always worrying or trying to please their SO. They try and set me up with girls that I have no interest in. "Don't worry Anon just get to know them better, maybe we could all go out sometime." Why cant they see that I don't "click" with random girls that know them.
>>25817609 The one fucking girl that I liked fucking broke up with me over Snapchat and then started going out with a friend a week later. Then they broke up and she started dating ANOTHER ONE OF MY FRIENDS. I Give up Robots
My hate for myself nearly consumes everything I do and think. Some small part of me is literally constantly battling as hard as it possibly can to not give in completely. There is no true relief. Though there are things I still enjoy, usually things I don't get very often. I'm really attracted, genuinely, to people that hate themselves as well. But it nothing ever works out because they think it's not possible for me to love them, which leaves me alone, and with a deeper hate for myself, so extreme it borders on absolute nothingness. I worry some day I will shut down and stop feeling.
Often. I punch myself in the face every now and then after realizing how inferior and shit I am. Just few quick punches, it gets the blood flowing and there is this great numbness I feel in my face after I end. On the other hand my jaw tends to hurt for a few days, but eh. Can't have everything, right?
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