>tfw the only reason you haven't blown your worthless brains out is you don't want to upset some of your family members who are themselves struggling with depression and other issues
That's what's tethering me to this world still.
>mfw you kill yourself and start a chain reaction that wipes out your whole family tree
>don't want to upset some of your family members who are themselves struggling with depression and other issues
>That's what's tethering me to this world still.
So don't let them know son, we talked about this. Didn't you listen?
I knew a family where all three sons and the wife killed themselves over the course of about seven years.
>son #1 jumps off a bridge in high school
>son #2 commits suicide by cop after his girlfriend dumps him (painted orange tip of airsoft gun black and walked up to random squad car)
>mother takes an entire bottle of ambien and lays down in a snow bank
>son #2 eats a shotgun after failing out of college
The father is the only one left of the family of five. Sold the house and moved into an apartment that he only leaves to go to work or buy groceries.
>Still, I kinda want them to know, I want them all to know.
The conflict is you are hesitant to seek either vindication or peace.
Peace would be leaving things almost exactly as they are to disappear without a trace, albeit on a mysterious positive note. The hardest thing about doing so would be a last ditch feign of mental improvement, as if you caught a slipstream of passion to do something freeing and amazing. Which sadly enough in context, you have if you've decided to do so.
Vindication would be to show little regard for the state of your life as it has been for the duration you've thought of ending it. To make a gruesome show of your demise as if it were a testament and insult to your family's lack of perception, and your own lack of ability to describe so out of it's overall obviousness. As if you were slamming open a closet door filled with christmas presents with rage in the company of a child who bellyached they hadn't been bought anything this year for weeks.
There are measures, and there are paths. But you must have the determination to pursue one if you truly want to escape the reality that has become hell for you by your own definition.
>mom was diagnosed with stage four kidney cancer last year
>Even though she's had her kidney removed and is now on drugs to try halt its progress, the side effects of said drugs are incredibly shitty
>tfw if i kill myself I'm afraid she'll just stop taking the drugs all together and just let herself die
I hate this so much
>dad died when i was 12
>have 3 younger sisters
>only boy in the family, oldest child
>mom hasn't remarried
>just try to do chores and make mom's life easier whenever i visit because i know she's really stressed
>act like a goofy dumbass and tell dad jokes to my sisters whenever i visit
>feel empty inside and have suicidal thoughts everyday
i'm a failure of a man and i know i could never give my sisters the protection and guidance they need, yet at the same time i know it would fuck them up more if i killed myself.