Its been a while. Been having a hard break. Just lost another friend tonight. Not doing so hot desu
how are you all
>Parents just gave me the "You can't stay in your room your entire life" speech
That's all folks!
I got a cold. its reminded me that even when im 100% healthy i just stay in my room.
this was the weekend i was gonna go out and hit on white women.
thats all i want to do now but constant stream of mucus coming from face
I'm sorry about that skelly. I've been kind of floating around since I don't have these threads to keep me grounded. Stupid thoughts and feelings going through my mind. I'm starting school again this semester, pretty nervous about it. It'll be the first time I've taken classes while on my meds, hoping that I don't have a panic attack this week.
Out of the house, by any means.
>tfw you will never understand forex/stock trading and be able to work from home
I had my grandma say "what are you doing? are you looking for a job? Your father can help you get one"
desu I don't want another job because it's just awkward being around people.
Thanks, i really appreciate it. I've been meaning to make these again but i've been really down recently and felt like I couldnt' be of help to anyone. Feeling horrible right now but I need to do something.
Good luck at school, i hope you do great
whatcha feeling friendo
Why cant you understand it? Can you take a class on it?
>Out of the house, by any means.
thats rough man, my stepdad wen't "so what are you even doing all day anon" today as I was walking away from him, I just pretended not to hear him
i get the same talks. they grew up in a different generation and can pull that shit.
i got the "just go in and shake the managers hand" talks too. it never worked. then one day my mom goes and fucking does it to another baby boomer and scores. theyre watching each others backs with no regard to young bloods. they can suck my fucking dick
No longer in college been looking for a job since December went through two rounds of interviews with a place I really wanted to work at. everyone said I was an impressive candidate. Got an email last night informing me that they wont be hiring me. Extremely bummed out sliding downhill rapidly into depressive episode. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. No one in my family cares and I don't have friends.
Cool that you're back skeletor you're okay for a tripfag.
I wen't on a great vacation with my family over new years it was a ski travel group kinda thing. I fucking love wintersports, it's something I can truly enjoy.
I snowboard so I thought I would have to board on my own and listen to comfy music since like everybody else was skiing, but people were cool with me joining their group, so I even socialized a bit.
Since I'm back I had zero motivation to do much of anything again though and I need to sign up for uni now or my parents will flip their shit, I'm reaching the stage where its no longer socially acceptable to keep up the break after highschool.
>Why cant you understand it? Can you take a class on it?
Understanding is one thing, making enough money to survive is another.
I'm fucked m8s. They're ramping up this pressure on me. Gotta nut up or slowly decline into homelessness
>people complain about how doctor just gives them meds
>all i want is meds
>dont get them
>every 6-12 months i manage to get an appointment
>its weeks or months later
>"cant get you pills this time m8, your last 2 didnt work 3 years ago, let me think about what to do with you, come back in THREE MONTHS"
before i kill myself im gonna shoot this doctor in the foot.
Thats pretty awful, i'm sorry to hear that. THe job search might be one of the most demotivating things in the world. Keep going man.
Thanks im actually garbage tbough
I'm glad you were having fun, even for a bit. Are you signing up for college then?
What the fuck see different doctors
mine give me meds at the drop of a hat
>tfw officially a NEET in one hour
I'm skipping this semester at my uni. And still haven't gotten over my 2 year girlfriend, yeah normie whatever.
I live with my parents and they want me to get a job for a few months before going back to school ;_;
It sounds stupid as fuck, but the NBA team in my local area is really really good, I watch them every time they play and it's the only thing keeping me going tbqh
Taking a semester off isn't a bad idea as long as you go back. Sucks about the attachment thing, the guy I like still hasn't gotten over his ex gf and its awful.
And its not stupid, having something you enjoy is good.
Yeah I suppose signing up is my only option
I just don't know what to study I will probably try computer science it seems pretty decent overall but I'm 90% I'm gonna quit/dislike whatever I study anyway, when I tell my parents this they say that's okay I can still swap if I hate it, but I don't really feel that way
>decent at maths but absolutely hate it
You need maths for like everything that can actually land you a job, it's depressing.
Secretly I wish I could become a
pro gamerbut even trying that would make me feel stupid as fuck, because I don't think I can achieve difficult things
Asperger's syndrome but no one knows I have it. Truly one of the biggest pains in life and depression inducing.
Anyone here have autismbux, how did you pull it off? I wouldn't ask but I don't look autistic do I need to though?
Still managing to hold on to my last friend. I was supposed to look for a job today. My anxiety is kicking into full gear. Girl I'm trying to talk to doesn't give a shit about me, but I can still get some acid from her for a good discount. I want to scramble my brains. I don't want to feel feelings anymore.
I think I'm depressed and am worried that my apathy towards existence is going to hinder my ability to get stuff done jn college when I go in a couple months. Will antidepressants help me not be so tired/lethargic/lazy?
gf of three years broke up with me a week before Christmas. Still living with her as finding housing in the middle of winter is a fucking nightmare. I hope I'm out in a week if I'm lucky. Just found out she has a dating profile up already over the weekend.
I feel like fucking garbage. Bad enough to where i'm going to try therapy again.
How do I get into it? Always wanted to try that and ballroom dancing.
Like if I go for lessons somewhere, are there things I should watch out for to make sure the instructors actually know their shit?
I haven't been on this board in like a month desu. You too man
I tried CS and i fucked it up royally. Wound up dropping the entire major and did a radical switch.
What games do you play?
Thats about to be me in a year
I'm sorry to hear that anon, mummy says I probably have the auts too but I refuse to be diagnosed so far
Gunna do college or anything?
Get meds for anxiety?
Depends on the meds some made me fall asleep like the entire time
Just gotta keep practising. And hey that sounds pretty good
Wow thats pretty awful, I'm sorry anon
>last social interaction was over christmas, forced to smoke weed with my mom and her new boyfriend
>come back to college and want to go out to a nightclub
>drink 8 cans of 6% cider before going out by myself
>still feel too awkward to stay, leave after five minutes
>drinking by myself almost daily for months out of pure boredom
>only one club I want to join in college, don't make any friends, super shy
>can't make any friends in my class
>cut off all contact with my dad
>one room mate is an arab and does nothing but spend time by himself
>other room mate is Chinese and spends all time outside with other Chinese people
>haven't had a single conversation in days
>yet again, nothing makes me happy
>nobody cares about me
Worst part is i don't know if I should go back or not I have no idea what I want out of life I don't know what to do I feel like such a loser because of this. any advice at all would be appreciated
>any advice at all would be appreciated
Fix it asap because I can tell you it doesn't go away with age.
I'm nowhere near instructor level so I can't tell you but since the community is very accepting and friendly towards newcomers, I suppose a big red flag would be having a rude and unhelpful instructor? You can get into it by finding a scene in your town and going to (probably weekly, usually) lessons. Also, correcting on the dance floor (during a social dance, for instance) is a huge no-no so watch out for that from random people.
I know but I've been dancing for eight months and my footwork still feels hella wonky. I really need a dance partner and I need to get out of this rut where I only do the same handful of moves during a dance. ;_;
I hate every thing
I hate my family because if I shot myself now it would crush them, even though they don't give a shit about me-
I know they would make a huge deal out of it and shit would fall apart
I still consider doing it every day, tho
(also hell yeah OP, I love Death; great band)
>interviewed for a really good job in november
>got rejection letter in the mail 2 weeks before christmas
>go to placement agency
>they tell me they cant assign me to places ive applied for in the last 12 months
>meanwhile every chad and stacy with sub 3.0 gpas are graduating with jobs
>if i cant find a job by june i will kill myself with methyl chloride in a car trunk
Why does shit like this have to happen to us, robots
>tfw scored 35
Welp bots, I'm literally autistic.
Time to kill myself.
>tfw all you want to do is sleep because you can't feel like shit when you're unconscious
When living with them, I was the only son they had. I literally was responsible for 90% of all house work (chores, home repair, lawn care etc etc)
My father was very abusive to my sisters and me. Not physically (excluding a few times) but he was constantly harsh when he spoke to us.
He was abused as a kid
etc etcand I was the only boy, so he treated me much worse.
I've always realized that I exist just so him and my mother could say they had kids. Like, a social thing to show off to their parents.
I've lived so long knowing I was doomed to be a debt slave, or pointless tradesman.
I have no interest in friends, family, or women. I just get drunk and high when I'm off work and try to fall asleep.
I dislike this life
TL;DR Born a trophy kid, doomed to be a debt slave. Life sucks blah blah
Ive started to become so apathetic and depressed i barely talk anymore, I just have no motivation for it, it all feels so meanlingless. I still live at home (part time job) and feel like a burden to the the few people close to me. Ive given up on becoming better mentally, the only Thing that motivates me is one day saving enough money to move out and live in confortable solitude.
My mom and younger brother are acting like life coaches as if I'm mentally retarded or something, but at least they care, but i hate seeing them worried over me and that's why i just want to get out of here asap. It's going to take a long time though, and i need to start searching for a full time job. Fuck college I'm too despessed to study and I'm terrible at math... No skills or prospects is painful though. Why would anyone even hire me? Sorry for blogpost, feels good to express myself freely
Been working 70ish hours a week for the past 3 months. Always tired. I should be sleeping but I'm on my second beer shitposting on /r9k/. I've taken up origami in my little spare time that I have. I made a crane tonight.
Not too bad. My bipolar sometimes makes me feel like I'm all alone when I hit a low, but there are people who still care about me, I try to not let my illness cloud my judgement.
I still get lonely now and again, but the adderall I take gives me the benefit of doubt. It helps give me more energy I can channel into a new hobby and learn more about myself.
I have a piss test this week required by some diversion program I'm on for marijuana, but I don't know what day. I have a plan where I'm gonna squirt my little brothers pee out of a hand sanitizer bottle capped with a glue snozzle, I gotta ask for his piss every morning this week til I get tested. And I gotta keep it in between my crotch to keep it warm. I've been practicing a method where I angle my fingers and the cup so it blocks the snozzle and makes it look like I'm peeing, plus I'm wearing compression shorts. Oh I really hope it works!
>got an F in one of my Law School finals
>already had a D in a class which I plan to repeat this semester
>GPA is shit and if I get it below a certain point they kick me out
>this is all I have going for me
>tomorrow I also have my first date ever
>it's a practice girl
Today has been the worst I've ever felt. I legitimately considered suicide out of fear of screwing up later on and at least dying with some dignity.
Im 24 yo with no friends or job going bald, I just don't know
>have to retake a coures
>will require groupwork
>dont want to program
skelly pls kill me
I ktf bro. I like the NFL too and my team sucks and it seems like they will suck for years.
Hey Skelly. You may have seen me in the "Frog & Feels" threads.
Depression has taken ahold of me more than usual lately. I think it's because the shock of terminal illness has worn off and I'm realizing that I effectively have a timer counting down to my death.
How do I cope?
The year just started so the rest just doesn't seem promising.
>been talking to a girl online for a while now
>"anon do you want to meet up?"
>daydreamed about this constantly and only a town away so fuck yeah I do
>she doesn't show up because something came up at the literal last second
>forgave her like the beta I am
>later that night I worked up the nerve to text a girl I went to high school with
>conversation going great she actually wants to come watch a movie and hinted at cuddling
>all I could think about for the rest of the day is how great that night will be
>11 pm - sorry I got caught up with a friend maybe another time
Are they doing this intentionally? Is this normal? Is my flaws/appearance that fucked to where I can't get someone to even see me?
Thats pretty depressing :(
>tfw cant sleep right
Thats pretty awful :( I'm sorry to hear that
Maybe get therapy? Your senpai could help you get an appointment, they seem helpful
Do it anon, might be good for you
Sorry i was afk for a bit. I'm sorry you aren't having luck making friends. What club did you join?
Thats pretty brutal man. Pics of the crane?
I'm glad to hear you're doing better, its really important to
>not let my illness cloud my judgement.
Oh man, good luck with that. I would freak out if i was in that situation
I hope you do better next semester, school is the pits desu
also what is a practice girl
like a doll?
Have you ever had a job? Also being bald isn't the worst thing in the world
Group work hitler desu
some computer science thing?
Died due to alcohol poisoning. Looks like it was an accident.
Hey yeah those are good threads nice trips btw
I honestly dont know how to cope with that. Like i can sympathise with you but I have no idea how that would feel. I'm so sorry anon, wish I could say something that wouldn't sound hollow
Do they seem like awful people? If yes, yes then. If no, probably not. Try again, if it happens again just stop trying to hang out with them.
Hey Skelly, haven't seen you in a while.
Got into an argument last night with some "friends". For some reason they wanted to have a "serious discussion" about life.
So I started throwing in my 2 cents about how life is suffering and how I'm actually really empty on the inside after years of loneliness and rejection.
I talked about how I have trust issues because I've been betrayed by pretty much all my friends and family over the years.
Then I guess I got too deep talking about suicide and whatever and talking about how I've found comfort in my emptiness and how I wouldn't kill myself yet.
Then these goddamn normies have the audacity to look at me and tell me I'm fucked up for thinking like that.
They go on about how I really need to change my life and worldview because it isn't healthy to live like that...yeah no shit.
They keep talking about how I just need to "be myself" (yeah they actually told me that) and maybe I should see a therapist.
Well, I did go to therapy, and it didn't do shit
Why can't normies just understand that people are miserable sometimes? Why does everyone have to be some happy go lucky fucker?
Maybe. "sorry I got caught up with a friend maybe another time" is obvious weasely bullshit, I wouldn't give her another chance.
the online girl who knows, if you have evidence that she's really who she says she is and the excuse rings true maybe try to organise another day.
but tentatively agreeing and then jamming at the last minute is a pretty classic tactic if you're passive and spineless and want to seem nice but don't actually want to hang out with someone, yeah
I've lost interest in doing anything. These days I'm just sitting at my computer staring at an blank desktop. I have been thinking about getting my GED so I could apply for a job, but I'm certain it's a 30 day course and I know how quickly I would lose interest in it. Maybe I will try and read something tomorrow.
Gave me a chuckle, Skelly
Thanks for the sympathy. I'm off to get drunk. Best of luck.
I've had it happen to me a number of times. From what I've gathered, they were just never that interested but thought it'd be too mean or were too spineless to actually outright reject you so they just kept going along with what you were saying with no intention of actually seeing it through.
>Sorry, I got caught up with a friend
>No, that totally isn't an excuse I'm using to get out of seeing you, don't be silly
I've been burned too many times by that fucking shit. I hate people who do it.
>feeling some improvements, have been able to be a bit productive those last few days
>had to send resumes
>may end up working as a client advisor
>still have food addiction
>still afraid of seeing people
God, I don't even know where to start.
>ex-gf who i love more than anything in this world's birthday is this month (23rd)
>one of my only remaining friends is leaving to go back to school like, next week so i'm going to be alone again because
>his brother and brother's girlfriend are too busy to hang out
>tried running away from the pain with weed since Christmas but all it has done is make being sober suck
>haven't felt like doing anything at all except going to hang with them for the last several days, trying to cut back on the weed a bit
>they're either too busy with work or blow me off for some unknown reason i make up in my head when they don't respond
>next month is what would be my anniversary with the affornentioned ex-gf
>have to keep dragging myself to a job i don't really hate but don't really like for a pathetic twelve hours a week
>making practically no money but too depressed and hollow to work many more hours without breaking down under all a heavier work load
I'm so fucked up.
I'm planning on taking fewer classes so I can focus on them and do better. Hopefully I'll get better grades and once I get rid of the D this semester my GPA should recover. This shit has been eating at me for weeks, thanks for listening even if only for a second.
>what is a practice girl
A girl you go out with but don't give a fuck about. Literally a pretend girlfriend until you get someone better.
>What club did you join?
a guy starts playing cherub rock and I automatically have more in common with him than I've met in a year
one stacy from there I randomly met by going alone into a nightclub before christmas, she said she'd see me next time with her arm around another guy
there's also the LGBT club that I'd like to attend but it starts at the same time and same day as music club so I'd rather not
i had a dream where i meat a qt in a grey sweater and jeans that lived on a hill behind a college with her younger sister. i woke up in a good mood that day
>some computer science thing?
engineering. its a required electrical course even though im not doing electrical. the lecturer is shit and stopped showing up halfway through the course last time after not teaching us anything for the first half.i really hat electrical stuff too.
>tfw your mom smiles when she sees you typing and probably thinks your talking to a friend
Its really hard for people without depression to understand how people with depression feel. Unless you're like a professional whos studied it or something.
Its really awful that they didn't even say anything reassuring like "im there for you" even if it was meaningless, instead they go straight to blaming you
Same senpai i've been wanting to get into starcraft again but i dont have the motivation and i have no one to play with
unintentional i swear
sometimes ive just got a
Would working help with any of that? I know i have terrible habits when i'm doing nothing
I think you're just in a fucked up place, not necessary that youre a fucked up person. Its especially hard to get over a relationship with someone you loved
Good luck man, I know grades make me feel awful as well
Also that sounds kind of horrible. Although I kind of did that once because her mom was dying and i feltt bad to say no and then i was used as an emotional crutch it didnt work out and i'm bitter about being used but at least her boobs were nice
Keep going, you're bound to have stuff in common with them.
Also I thought about joining the LGBT club at my school but I'm pretty sure I would be miserable the whole time. My only club experience at my college was a disaster so now I dont have friends at school.
That sounds pretty awful desu
>tfw can only open up to online people
Just came back from a formal dinner date with a female acquaintance and some of our friends. I feel like everything went okay but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna cry myself to sleep over being such a socially awkward loser.
I really want to become a better person but it's just so god damn hard. Killing myself would be so much easier but I know that's just an irrational decision.
Here they are. The red one I made tonight, green one a few days ago. I'm slowly learning, even though the red one didn't come out as well as the green one.
I'm really tempted to buy 200 dollars worth of MTG cards to make myself feel better but I know I shouldn't awful awful
But at least you're putting yourself out of your comfort zone. Just keep doing that no matter how awful it feels. It can help you a lot.
Very kawaii anon
Reminds me of my friend who makes origami, used to do it all the time in high school, same colors and size as you.
>I thought about joining the LGBT club at my school but I'm pretty sure I would be miserable the whole time.
I tried it once a while ago
almost nobody talked to me, I saw a guy I grew up around but had no idea was LGBT run into the room and give another guy a hug (it was just weird), it was also "pizza night" and every body had paid for it the previous week (I had no idea)
I was given a few slices and one guy sitting beside me snarkily asks me "did you just come here for the free pizza?"
never went back
Do you want me to validate your meme opinion? I literally don't give a fuck about how over-saturated it is or if the (initial) earnings are shit. I got in because I've wanted to be a lawyer since I was a kid, particularly since I watched the movie The Devil's Advocate.
>that sounds kind of horrible
Well she came unto me so I'm only doing what's natural in giving it a shot.
I'm listening to sleep over forever and dreading going to work because of some normie bitch who wants me fired. I'm going to confront her, but I hate confrontation. I want a bf, too because I want someone to listen to shoegaze with and introduce me to pot.
21 and sick of this website, but I can't stop coming
Been here over 3 years lurking up to 8 hours a day
Been off and on NEET since 15
I feel like I dropped off the face of the Earth 6 years ago, and haven't been able to get back. Not sure if I have some deeper mental problems than just depression.
Shit the work part sounds like me except I don't hate the job, I hate the people. I just want to work and go home, that's all. None of them understand that so they fuck with me to get me to speak up. Today I think they realised I crack under multiple people trying to pick on me at once because they've done it nonstop to get me as anxious as possible.
That sounds hella awkward. Don't blame you desu
Well I hope it goes well at least
>tfw i will never have a qt bf to listen to shoegaze with
kill me desu senpai
I've been on/off 4chan for as long as I can remember, which is pretty terrible imo. Do you have any IRL goals? Also have you seen a professional to get a diagoseis?
Cycling between feeling my life is salvageable and thinking it's totally beyond hope. Been like this for about 7 years now. I do improve things occasionally, but I'm so fucked up and so far from being able to compare to anyone else I've ever known that it's pretty discouraging ("don't compare yourself to others," well fuck that, everyone else does)
I'm not even suicidal, I just feel that I'm wasting my time and energy trying to pretend that I still have a future when I could be, I don't know, watching more movies and trying drugs or something
Shit, do have any plans for getting a better job?
Life felt like it had so much promise 6 years ago, but now I've realized that my dreams were just naive. I just wanna make pretty good money now so I don't have to worry about bullshit anymore.
Yeah CS sounds like you need dedication, I always do everything last minute.
Right now I mostly play nuclear throne and darkest dungeon. My game of choice should I attempt to make something productive out of it would be HotS since its fairly new and I already played in some tournies, but I have no dedication to practice because ranked mode still isnt fully implemented and the meta is very super stale.
I'm kind of tired of multiplayer games in general, but it still seems like the most comfy option to pursue you know
>Cycling between feeling my life is salvageable and thinking it's totally beyond hope.
Shit anon, this hit me so hard. This is exactly how I feel and it's fucking torture to feel this way.
Honestly? I don't know. I've been in therapy for a while now and I was kind of doing better, but right before Christmas my ex texted me three nights in a row and essentially just rubbed how much better she's doing in my face, while also reaffirming that she doesn't ever want to get back with me. It did a really good job of showing me that, despite what I may have hoped, I'm not better. It showed me that all I've really managed is to arrange all the shattered fucking pieces of myself into some vague visage of a person. The second her name flashed across my phone I fell apart all over again.
It's hard to trust my friends when they tell me they're busy or working, I always worry they're really just hanging out without me. My friend said he was going to hang out with a girl tonight for a couple hours when I called him, he said she had work tomorrow so it wouldn't be too late. After that I texted his brother to see when he got off, mentioned how we should all get together, but never received any response. Now it's almost midnight and I haven't heard from any of them for the last six hours. In my head they're all sitting in their living room, smoking weed, and having a good time without me.
I appreciate that. It's been a year-and-a-half now and I feel like I should be over it at this point, but I'm not, and I don't even really try to hide it anymore. I don't know what I want to do professionally, I can't imagine working fourty hours a week anymore, and I really don't know what there is for me in the world other than more disappointment.
What's worse is that I've had a few women show interest in me, I just don't feel the same way about them. I need to feel going into it that the girl I'm dating is someone I want to stay with, not someone who I can kind of tell from the jump I'll most likely end up having to leave. I don't want to break anyone's heart. I don't want anyone else to feel the way I do.
Hey Skelly I hope everything starts to look up soon for you. Heres a little bird wearing a hat to help cheer you up. And again, as always, good job on the thread.
>Do you have any IRL goals
I was looking at getting into business, did a course last year towards it. Dad just got his shed up and I've been helping him with stuff, guess I want to help out more. Need to get a job too.
>have you seen a professional to get a diagoseis?
I don't think anything official, just the "you're depressed" put on meds thing. Haven't been on antidepressants for over 3 years though, they were not helping much.
I was thinking I should see someone again, because it's been a while.
Not really going through what you're going through, but just normal depression stuff. Apartment is a mess, I haven't showered since last Friday, ate 80% of two large pizzas plus a whole cookie pie, I need to do laundry, and I have 2 weeks until class starts and I have no idea what I'm going to do because one of the classes I have to take interrupts work.
Finally have about a year straight of no crying or thoughts of an hero.
My dad recently kicked me out. Right as I was starting to get into a good "spot", you know?
Shit just happens at the worst times... fuck me right?
Most normies don't realize that two large pieces of coral, painted brown, and attached to his skull with common wood screws can make a child look like a deer
As far as my job goes, I had one where I met some cool people and made a few good friends, but they were never going to promote me (which my manager told me to my face). I got another job a couple weeks later but lost it in three days because I wasn't fast enough apparently. After that I was NEET for like seven months, then got a terrible job in December, which I promptly quit when I got my new job a couple weeks after that. It isn't a horrid job, and the people are pretty entertaining to spend the time with, I just...I don't know what it is.
When I had the job I couldn't get promoted at I was hungry. I wanted to work hard, stay over, to do every thing I could to show I was a good employee so I could get promoted and make a career out of it. I really don't care what I do for a living as long as I don't hate it. But after that job went to shit it just killed my enthusiasm and drive. I don't know if I need to look for a better job at this point, because if I was working fourty hours a week I'm honestly really scared I'd just break down.
To the anon who has people fucking with him, I'm sorry to hear that. The job I worked for three days had an environment like that, but I was lucky since I could handle shit talk and return it as well. I imagine that must be rough when you don't find any measure of entertainment in it.
The more I ignore my problems and get on with my life, the more I feel like everything's getting better and that I'm in control, but ignoring problems rarely solves them, so then I get sucked back in. I dunno, I'm sure it's a common mindset, it just sucks to see all the people I was friends with in school go on to be successful while I'm still paddling in circles
>tfw depressed musician
Literally just waiting for more people to listen to my music so that I can kill myself. I make music like Mac DeMarco, if anyone's heard of him.
I'm sort of only living for music at this point. i stay in my room all day writing songs and playing guitar. I've skipped all my classes for a month, missed a midterm. it doesn't matter to me. I'm going to finish writing a few albums, then just off myself. If anyone is interested I'll post my music.
the funniest thing is that most of my music is super upbeat and happy sounding. I have been diagnosed with Manic depression, so the music sounds super happy, but when I say things like "everythign's working out fine" in my songs, i really mean "everything is falling apart and I wish i was dead."
Anybody else feel this way? Like they know they're going to die, and they're sort of happy, and sort of just, okay with the fact that everythign is weird and strange and depressing? I don't know i'm pretty drunk.
here's my bandcamp famalia
I also love meme demarco.
ITKF, sometimes it does all feel pointless. Just gotta keep improving i guess
other people suck
Oh man i like nuclear throne a lot, don't play a whole lot anymore. Play starcraft with me desu
I have friends who are still in love with their exes after years and years. Its hard dude. Its hard to move on
thanks i laughed really ahrd
Go see someone, it might help. And good on you for having goals
I'm still going through that kinda shit. I'm actually really hungry
Thats pretty awful, i'm sorry anon :(
Why'd he kick you out?
is it any good?
Post music senpai
dang, skeletor replied to my. I've never tripped in your threads before, but I almost always post in them, generally about writing and art and stuff.
Anybody else here a writer? I've been writing a book for the last two years. I'm almost done, just having a hard time finishing it.
Yeah, i have work tomorrow, too. Wageslaving makes depression a hell of a lot worse. It's funny when coworkers say things like "have a great weekend!" But I can't remember the last time I loooked forward to anything at all.
He kicked me out for being "under the influence too much" and "playing games that will bring [my] downfall".
Life feels cyclical at this point.
>Have a high point. Have a low point three times as long. Consider suicide. Drink or smoke the pain away. Realize I'm fucked. Get life back on track. Repeat.
I'm currently drunk on a Tuesday night, peeing out of my fucking window because I'm too lazy to walk to my bathroom. Guess which part of the cycle I'm in!
>But I can't remember the last time I loooked forward to anything at all.
I feel that familia.
Sometimes I catch myself smiling while thinking about staying in my room.
I really like this shit by the way Mr. Sriracha
I'd give you some of I could. Bbq chicken and onions.
I counted 17 empty gallons of water on my way out the door to get more water, which is the second time I've left my apartment this weekend. The first was to get the pizza. I don't how to keep going.
Its taken its toll not only in my life but my job I'm on a week off because I just can't work I don't get anything done.... Little does anyone know I'm not planning to go back because I fucking suck at just about everything.
I'm just tired.... Fuck being alive and fuck meds.
Sometimes I laugh and I put myself to a test to see if I am really feeling happy. If I can stop laughing and realize I am just faking shit then I kind of snap back to how much of an autist I am. I can't name a time that I have been able to pass this test. I really just want to cry right now but I can't.
This plans fall through song must be my anthem.
We don't talk anymore, and I stopped checking her social media a few days after the break-up when she started posting about guys and buying new panties. It hurt way too much, so I just deleted my Facebook and the Tumblr she'd helped me make. We talked for like two weeks a few months after the break-up, but she spent almost every day of it hounding me about mistakes I'd already apologized and agonized over. After that, she didn't speak to me for a year. She texted me on my birthday while I was on vacation, but that was a very short exchange. In early December she texted me again and we made small talk for two days, at like 12am. It's so hard not to respond, anons. Even when it's just stupid small talk that I know means infinitely more to me than it does to her. The third night she actually got to the point I suppose you'd say, and that was the last night of that.
When I was on vacation and she messaged me Happy Birthday, I rolled over at like 4am and read it. I climbed out of bed and sat on the balcony, really debating jumping. It was eight stories, straight down onto concrete.
That was probably the most inviting concrete I've ever seen.
Hey, thanks. I appreciate that a lot. Am I capturing the feeling of happy existnetial crises? Because that's sort of how things are for me right now. I'm okay with how things are. I feel like I'm going insane and I feel like I'm depressed and hate my life, but I'm intrigued to see where it goes if that makes sense.
I totally feel what you mean about thinking about sitting in your room. Nothing brings me happiness, but sleep is pretty close.
I know. I don't know if I'm autistic or something, but everything sort of just falls apart for me when it comes to social interaction. I'll try for an hour, and then when it comes time for things to actually happen, i'll slink away and just sort of go into a little ball of self-hatred and look in envy at the people who can handle going out and not wanting to kill themselves.
I'm thinking about finishing these all and mastering them on a professional level and calling the album "happy songs for sad people" and then offing myself. I wonder what death is like.
>Am I capturing the feeling of happy existnetial crises?
Anon, I don't think you know just how perfect this comes off in your music. Keep making music, people like me will keep listening. I will buy this when I get my next paycheck.
Yeah i've seen you
I would like to write but im too scared of being terrible
Thats pretty awful of him, instead of just trying to get you help
I madea ham sandwich but the bread is too thick
found a caprisun
You thought about therapy?
Cut all ocntact senpai, block her on shit
Undertale so good desu
noone cares about musician suicide unless your 27 anon
Forget her, she won't do you any good. I know it's easier said than done, but stop expecting anything from her and go forward. Find a new hobby, but you don't need her anon.
Jesus Christ. I'm so sorry anon. There is nothing I can do and it pisses me the fuck off that we might all pass by each other one day and not say a word. Why is life so fucking stupid?
I have not left Toriel's house because of how comfy it is. It reminds me of being a little kid when I would snuggle up with my mom and just have a peaceful sleep. Nowadays I literally want to kill my self. Funny how things work out huh, guys?
Thanks a ton :) Don't worry about buying it, it's free for any robots. I'm glad I'm capturing the feeling. if you bookmark the page or something there's going to be a new song up tomorrow or the next day (just mastering now, trying to figure out this new pre-amp since my old one broke)
I know that feeling. I've got loads and loads of books that nobody has ever read, just because I don't think they're good enough. I idiotically deleted a 200 page magical-realism-filled novel i'd written about a young boy growing up in india. Almost killed myself that night and deleted the book because I didn't think it was god enough. I couldn't recover it once I'd woken up.
>we might all pass by each other one day and not say a word. Why is life so fucking stupid?
Fuck, that one gets me, too, Anon. I just try and be as nice as I can to everyone, because I know that some days I'm at the point where if someone was a dick to me I'd just go home and end it, and I don't ever want to be the person that pushes someone to that.
I'm thinking about going for a walk, but it's like 1am, freezing cold, and I have work in seven hours. Fug.
You're right, my
therapisttold me the same thing. I don't really know what I'll do if she ever texts me again though. It's hard to say unless you're really in that moment, but if it comes, I'll try to remember you both.
It's okay, anon. I appreciate the thought. It'd be nice if there was some way to notice one another if one of us were to cross paths with another sadbot. Unfortunately I live in the bible belt of the south though, so I pretty much never meet anyone who browses 4chan.
Hey skelly, I like you <3
Anyways, life is awful and I constantly want to die.
Today some guy came back to work after being gone for months. I asked him why, and he said he has cancer.
Guy is like 6'4", jacked like a lumberjack, glasses, friendliest smile and disposition.
Why does this dude get cancer, when some miserable degenerate fuck like me continues to live???
Someone just kill me
FUCK anti-depressants man. There is no amount of money that would make me go back to that shit. Being a fucking zombie is not fun dude. I'll fucking drink my way into oblivion before I let myself try that shit again.
Yeah I'm currently going through it but it hasn't helped much just every other visit "What you have schizo shit I don't want to deal with this here's more med's" -My doctor
I have two options I get ready for the big sleep.
Or I go on disability, not the proudest of my options.
Any robots go through this.
My whole family is musically inclined. My dad played out in many bands, even opened for the Hooters once, one of my brothers is simply an incredible drummer, another plays guitar and messes with drums, another can play, write, sing, and is thankfully going to school for it now. I can play if I practice, but I can't find the will. Like everything else in my life, it's superficial and as soon as I try to get beyond the surface of what I'm doing, it crumbles to dust. I have two basses not even two feet away from my computer desk collecting dust because I can't bring myself to pick one up and play.
I envy people like you, who despite their pain, can still find something that means something and do it, especially when it comes to music.
Was going to create a new thread about problems, but I guess this fits here. I was crippled by depression and then anxiety a few months ago and it was hell. Anxiety still hits in social gatherings.
>this tiny apartment I live is like a hotel for family members
>I can't study or read most of the time because of ADD and them being loud
>studying this shit numerical methods my calculator can do with some inputs
>my milf cuban teacher should fuck me for studying this shit
I know that feel anon. On them right now.
It absolutely destroys my artistic ability. If I want to get any writing done, I have to come off them for a few days.
Anon, if you're on anti-depressants, come off them for a while, I find they totally kill my artistic inclinations.
If not, try drinking a little bit or having a cigarette, then picking up the Bass. It's incredibly hard some days for me to sit in my room by my guitars, organ, or any of my other instruments. It feels like I'm somehow doing them an injustice by leaving them placid. :/
reminds me of this corny ass song that somehow gets me
Damn, thats awful. THe worst thats happened to me was i fucked up a 29 page paper and had to redo half of it
Cried at the end
Good luck anon
i believe in you
because god hates us and enjoys human suffering
jokes on him we're getting better at medicine
its not shameful to go on disablity. Haven tever been on tit though
what does 767 mean
>tfw have a ccrush on a teacher
also yeah my anxiety is awful as well. It switches off with my depressoin, like the coordinate it oro something
part of why i want to start doing nightwalks is so that maybe one day i'll just get killed
Thanks, anon. You seem like a good person and I appreciate you. I really only started coming to /r9k/ again yesterday, I haven't been to this board since like '09, but it really seems to fit me these days.
Thanks to you as well, for making the thread and for being so kind. The reason he keeps using 767 is because those were the last three numbers of the post number for the first reply to me he made.
Here you go anon, I took a test a little while ago.
Damn I'm a loner and that made me sad...
I love night drives I actually wish there were robots chill enough to meet up with and have a talk about life.
But sadly I'm shit with people in person like I stutter and it sounds like I'm high but I'm not...
Hell yeah its shameful I've worked all my life for my things but the thought of getting money because I can't function anymore is shit...
Touchy subject filled with ethical pitholes. Probably wont happen for the mentally ill.
I just don't see it that way i suppose. Maybe its because i'm a giant freeloader who barely does any work
>I stutter and it sounds like I'm high but I'm not...
Everyone thinks I'm fucking high all the time so I just roll with it... Is it possible to develop a speech impediment by not speaking to people in a long time. It only happens when I'm talking in person...
I guess my ADD is linked with a bunch of others mental problems.
Like those researches that link ADHD with criminality.
I started reading books and was really happy I could read one 130 pages book in one day. Now I've paused because of finals. It really adds some sense to life. I once watched a lecture on youtube on depression. It seems that studies show that after your first bouts of depression it gets easier to endure other depression periods. Something related to brain chemistry.
Nowadays I just try to detach myself from ego, but always putting myself first; as the most important person of my life. IDK how yet, but I'm going.
I can't afford insurance, let alone anti-depressants. I'm just an empty shell that tries to mimic life.
I don't drink much because my whole family is a bunch of drunks, but I do sometimes. There are several bottles within arms reach.
Pic related is my Ibanez. It gets the same injustice as everything else in my life.
>Welcome home, anon.
Goddamn, it really does feel like home and I'm surprisingly okay with that.
I've done a lot of thinking and reading about suicide and I know how I'd do it if I was going to. I actually explained that to both my Mom and my therapist too. I think from a symbolic and eerie stand point, what you're saying would be amazing. But I know I wouldn't have the discipline required to stay out there.
>shit with people in person
That's fine with me, anon. We could just chill and talk at whatever pace you're comfy with. I'd probably end up smoking anyway so I doubt I'd even notice.
I came off my anti-depressants because they were fucking with my brain. I woke up after a few days of not taking them and took a shower... fainter and smashed my fucking face in the shower due to low BP... wake up in the ER with my family watching me. My mom still holds that against me and my dad won't call me anymore. Should I call him or just see if he will contact me? We have not spoken in a while.
Personally my speech is getting worse every few weeks or so like bad I can't say a proper sentence and the worse part is it sounds normal in my head...
The people that know just wait for me to finish and then ask me to repeat my self.
But typing I'm a fucking pro wish I had a keyboard on me every time I go out for coffee so I can say iced coffee please instead of "ced ffee se"
Nah born into a family were if you don't work you ain't a man type junk.
This reminds me of when my Aunt's Dad killed himself. I remember one of my first thoughts was, "Lucky". Something similar happened when someone who was a year below me in HS suddenly had an aneurysm and died from some rare blood cancer.
Its nice, the rational side of me thinks its cheesy as fuck but i still like it a lot.
i dont remember much of my childhood desu
Just keep going
that makes two people i've lost today
not that i knew david bowie
What were you on? ALso thats horrible of your family to cut contact
>be last night
>have to wageslave in the morning
>look at snapchat before I go to bed
>gain insight into a life I will never have
>cry myself to sleep
>be late to work
>get yelled at
Can't I just die already?
I was on effecxor or some shit. This was a while back. Worst part is that everyone just jump straight onto the "medicate him" train without asking my opinion... then again I'm only participating in this shitty excuse of a life for the ride anyway so I might as well let other people make decisions for me.
so another day, another "quit everything forever, stop talking to people online, shutdown everything and lay down and die". the meds my therapist gave me are, at least a cording to her at a high does and they havent done a thing after months. idk how im gonna make it to 30 like i promised myself when even a simple joke by someone close to me can make me break down for 3 days and just lay looking up into the ceiling.
am i gonna make it robots?
Maybe not. Im starting to think some people like us are just fucking broken. I really hope we can have basic income in the US, so I can go live somewhere far away comfortably. Just mind my business away from the pain of everything and everyone else
Haha sounds dope and damn I wish I could smoke as well but can't the paranoia kills me every time.
Now doing MDMA and I'm the cats meow for the following hours, sadly I can't do those things anymore :( they kept me going back in the day.
Just broke up with my gf who has depression. Man, does it fuck you up, never again dating a girl with mental illness, they do stupid shit and make up crazier shit.
It's not for everyone. My Mom said she quit smoking pot because of the paranoia herself, I'm usually too busy enjoying a few hours free of my self-hatred to bother being paranoid.
it wouldnt suprise me if im, or we, are just passed the point of no return, all i want to do is run away from everything, but i know my brain will haunt me... the broken will know know peace from the terror that is themselves
seems like it, i kept pushing it back until i reached 20 when i decided to off myself when either my dad dies or i turn 30, which ever happens last. its been hard keeping that promise im ready to die, i have nothing left to live for
hey robots, can you help me out?
I've just been getting worse and worse. I feel like i'm going to fucking pop.
>On 3rd kind of antidepressant, only one that doesn't give me ED, but makes me feel so fucking hollow
>Stress just keeps building, been biting and punching myself harder and harder trying to cope with it, it works in some stupid autistic way
>One by one all of my usual games, and even old games, just start to infuriate me
>Nothing interesting to watch, netflix is boring, just everything is boring
How do you cope with this? Drugs? Alcohol? Sex? I have literally no one in this town I know to get anything, dry county so no alcohol, too scared to try and meet almost anyone. I wish I was a smoker or just any of kind addict, so i can feel some relief.
replying to myself, I've been eating myself into a decent mood by only eating fastfood, but I can't stand it anymore, feel like im gonna throw up, but now that im eating regular food, my mood is just plummeting
i dont, im >>25664764 i just mindlessly sit around and wait for my next "episode"
i know anon, i know, society doesnt have room for us sadly, unless you can get on neetbux
The worst part is that I had the mindset "love has no prejudice" and wanted to start a relationship with this woman. End up she screams "emotional abuse" every time I would say something she is about to do isn't a good idea. Like posing naked on her instagram or getting a really visible tattoo. She also had ADHD so that didn't help with her impulse control. Since we've broken up she has been doing drugs, sleeping with guys, and constant partying. MFW I was the only thing in her life keeping her together.
I would be lying to myself if I told myself that it was possible to have a normal relationship.
I pitty the fool that tries to get to know me. I must be such a hassle :).
Yeah I've tried suicide twice and my bathroom was a bitch to clean up afterwards but hey your here so do shit while your alive I ended up getting tattoos because of the fuck it I'm out by my 30's thing as well.
Yeah the thing about MDMA is I love the feeling afterwards you know that really shitty suicide Tuesday feeling you get when your so numb you can't do shit. I like it better then the high itself just because I can think for myself afterwards.
But yeah I'm glad pots helping people then haha cause it doesn't help me anymore... :(
Ugh, the thing is I have a very particular kind of autism. I'm very well spoken and reserved so its very hard for me to convince a therapist I have serious problems because I come off as a polite guy down on his luck. I would find it so exhausting to explain everything wrong with my mind and life, I also don't need some fuck with a BA from a state uni telling me cognitive strategies. Lmfao! Like I don't know my trains of thought are irrational and maladjusted. Has anyone else found professional assistance to be totally useless? Theyre always trying to shove me into some bullshit drug in 10 seconds, they never listen
I've been there
It sucks desu
Switch meds if they havent done anything for you. I've switched like 5-6 times
How long have you been on them? Also sorry man I dont get angry very often, its a foreign emotion to me desu
Good luck man
I just do it for
>want a relationship
>dont have the energy for a relationship
sucks to hear anon, im truely glad youre finding some reason to do shit, i can barely get myself to even feed myself
completely fucking useless, all my sessions have been a complete waste of time, only productive things that happened was i got a blood sample taken. as you say its not like we arent aware whats messed up, but their way of trying to fix it is fucking stupid, last time i had to do some kind of role play of asking my neighbour for sugar..
i am, my therapist is currently consulting her colleagues, im sorta expecting to get put on mao inhibitors next
at least you have the capabilities of making friends, thats always something
Pot is the only drug I've ever tried recreationally, but I really want to get my hands on some DMT. Realistically I have such a disinterest in my own life that I'd probably do several other drugs if they were offered to me.
I miss sending dick pics. I was pretty blessed in that department so I always loved the reactions.
American, dry county means they sell no booze in the entire county (which is a subsection of a state), or just wine and beer, but they aren't anywhere close to me, plus strict college apartment rules against it, can get me fined at best, expelled at worst.
Been on wellbutrin for 2 months now, was on Zoloft first, only felt more suicidal, then some new medicine called Viibryd, which was nice but can't afford it anymore because insurance company are a bunch of cunts and won't pay for it. New one doesn't make me feel suicidal, but doesn't make me feel much of anything.
im super average so its whatever but guys like it and it feels good to be wanted even for a bit
thats how i spent my new years becaus i was super depressed and that made me feel a bit better
yeah like super surprised those are still around
Also thats awful fuck them
Yeah DMT is dope but don't hit up those needles I've never done them myself but I've seen it and just no...
I'd rather slam a line than hit a needle.
Nah I'm grasping at straws only thing I got going are my car and the fact that I can drink coffee at 1 in the morning. But shit being hungry all the time gotta suck.
dont sweat it, i accepted reality years ago, you can still make it!
the poster whod avatar with pic related, guess i should start searching for the new tag then
i know that feel, at least it sounds like theres still some yolo left in you.
and being hungry? idk it comes and goes as it pleases, ive had times when i hadnt eaten for over a week
I'm on the wrong side of 25 years old and I've only had 1 job in a warehouse. I quit the first week because I have a bad knee and was getting bullied during lunch.
I went back to community college at 25 after numerous failures with a optimistic attitude, I felt like this was the semester that I would turn my life around. In the beginning I read everything that there was to read, I studied everything that there was to study. Then I got apathetic, what was another F,what was another class missed, what was another semester. Then I stopped going to the gym, I've been going for 5 years then I couldn't drag myself to go anymore. I lost all my gains and got disgustingly fat.
I have no friends, HKV, and the future looks terrifying. The fact that I'm playing the lotto and seeing it as a valid option is scaring me. I don't want to end it. I don't have any direction in my life, I'm in a hole.
>nice to feel wanted
Oh God so accurate.
Yeah definitely no needles here. I guess I meant more along the lines of like, Molly or Acid or Shrroms, stuff like that. I just wish I had any idea where to get good DMT. Or any DMT.
pic looks pretty gay desu
Thought about professional help? You have the potential to do things, you just need to get back on track
wew lad its why i flirt with anything that moves online
also i wanna do ketamine because I hear it helps with depression
Yeah there still is some yolo but shit a week?? I can't do it you should really eat m8 shit sounds painful.
Oh shit molly I'm going to be trying it again this year even though I shouldn't but fuck it I'm not doing any one good being alive.
I used to binge them every other week I recommend it but in very very small moderation.
Looks like flash to me and I don't like flash
when it happens i dont even feel the slightest hunger or discomfort from it, but its not healthy for sure, good thing i stopped carrying about all that, so its okay i guess? better keep that yolo alive as long as you can
oh the style, yea i can see what youre saying