I'm going off my medication tonight, having spent the last couple of years, and several more on and off, in a zombie haze.
When I'm on them, I'm functional but dead inside. Off them, I'm self-destructive and alcohol dependent. Without something to knock me out I can stay awake for days.
I've got no problems being social. I can speak clearly, quickly and easily, albeit without affect. I work with lots of people so this makes my job easier, but outside of work I have no significant interest in friendship and zero interest in love or sex. When I get home, I want the world to fuck off until 5AM the next day, and any thought of going back out for any non-emergency reason is quickly forgotten. I see my family 6-8 times a year.
Lately all my idle thoughts have been about just plain dying. I look back at the last fifteen years of my life and realize the thought of having to live out that span of time two or three more times would be too many. I might not even be dead by then.
There's nothing I want to see or do or have. I'm not untalented or stupid, but after I master anything I lose interest in it permanently. I am chronically bored. Life is a means to ends I don't want but am stuck paying for with time and effort.
Because nobody is close to me in life I have no one to talk to, but I wanted to say this out loud or in print somewhere. I don't need help understanding my diseases. I don't think I need reassurance or compassion. One passing connection with another person could last me a few years, and I'm just here for that refill.
I'm drinking. I know if I get to sleep at all tonight I'll wake up someday soon feeling things I forgot about, but I don't know what. Chances are it'll be one more ill-advised chapter in a deliberately pointless life.
I should talk to my doctor, but I know if I book an appointment, by the time I get there I'll forget what I wanted to say. My life is a string of hollow crises but I don't ever feel depressed anymore.
I understand your feels. This time last year I was unemployed and suicidal and I spend most of my days drinking heavily and rolling around in bed saying shit like "i'm fucking stupid" and "why why why why why" or "I hate myself I hate myself"
Now i've got my own place and a not so shitty job in a warehouse. I'm still kind of lonely and money is tight but I feel comfortable most the time.
I recommend weed > booze definitely, if you can get it. Also try and get new hobbies besides stuff on the computer.
I'm not perfect by any means but I am kind of happy at times.
eh, well I don't feel sad. Can't remember the last time I really have. I don't think I'm an awful worthless person, although I think I've probably earned that judgement from others. And I don't hate myself. I just feel stuck in a crappy lease. It's more like irritation, ennui, boredom-induced lethargy.
I've been living on my own for years. Since, 2007 I guess. I remember it was before Obama. Money's fine. I contribute to my investments weekly.
I don't do that much on the computer outside of idle posting. Tried playing some Guild Wars, but spent 90% of the time in spreadsheets placing orders in the auction house. I do sew as a hobby but haven't been doing anything lately.
I second the idea for smoking weed. I'm still enormously depressed, have constant mood swings and suicidal episodes but sometimes nothing better than just lying down in bed getting comfy while stoned and playing some Darksiders 2 for me. That or playing guitar for hours on end to distract myself so I don't end up cutting or drinking a shitload. Also smoking helps me sleep a lot better than alcohol.
After I slashed my wrist open to kill myself I was prescribed the antipsychotic Seroquel, then the antidepressant Zoloft, and now I have been switched to Effexor. No improvement on any of these drugs but honestly I don't even really remember what it was like to be off my meds anymore, so I could potentially be a little better. I guess a lot of the happiness I have managed to achieve for myself this year came through developing my hobbies and most importantly (and fuck any bitter cunt that says otherwise) going regularly to a decent educated psychologist for therapy.
What meds are you on mys?
Last time I went off my meds I went psychotic and tore weeds out of the garden for hours into the night until someone came home, I spazzed out on them screaming about Angels and the end of the world and then dropped to the floor and had a seizure. I don't remember any of it
I've almost been convinced of the merits of weed a couple times, but I've smoked before and it just wasn't my thing. I don't know. Is it really that helpful? Like, if I were to treat it as actual medicine does it do anything for you when you're not high?
I don't generally self-harm anymore. Teen years are vanishing in the rear-view mirror. But still, every now and then I will. Just, like, the urge comes over me. And it's not for show, it's just for me.
I've done this before. Not lately mind you. idk, it's going to be a mixed bag
thanks for stopping by anyway
^ me again
anyway I tried a couple anti-depressants and they have nothing on weed. My super religious family really dislike me because I smoke weed but I don't give a fuck. Anti-depressants don't even help with depression. They just make you feel emotionless and robotic and fake. Also, my testicles felt extremely weird and I could not orgasm. Exact opposite of weed where sex is pleasurable and awesome. Also weed helps your appetite and sleep too.
Basically TL;DR if you suffer from depression, fuck it, you have nothing to lose, smoke weed. It's less harmful than other drugs and you can use it every day without ruining your life. Not 24/7 obviously but once or twice a day keeps the blues away.
I suppose it could be just those two things
I've over thirty. When I say last fifteen years, I'm starting from my teens, ie. the first point at which I think of a person as a person.
I am also over 30, what I am saying is, it sounds like "taking a shit the thread."
Like you never even stated what pills you were on, you never thought to research the withdrawls, you just took a shit.
Know that you're not alone OP. Many people share the same ideals you do (including me). My advice is to talk about it to someone who understand life's meaninglesness and accept the nihilism. Understand that your depression comes from the dissapointment of the seductive promises the social construct has offered you. Just remember that your depression and everything else is transient, if you're going to end yourself at least end it with a clear rational mind
Well, idk about nihilism and the social construct. I mean, you're in my ballpark there, but I guess I feel like it's not that the relationship between me, the buyer, and society, the seller is poor. It's more like I wandered into the wrong shop in the first place.
I'm not aiming to die soon. I just wouldn't object to it. Right now I'm putting money into investments like a normal person in case I change my mind, but the current plan is to snuff it when my body starts to break down. Once the infrastructure goes, I think I'll be outtie.