>can feel the borders between my ego and reality
>realize that i exist only as a very minute slice of a reality that is too large to be defined
>i am a carbon being made of flesh and bone living on a rock in the milky way system, and i can only see the visible range of colors with two eyes wired to a very complicated electrical piece of meat
>as a meatthing, my ego separates my concept of self from my external perceptions of reality to prevent everything from becoming a milky haze
>begin to synchronize and fully realize the mechanics of my own existence
I don't care about so many things that seem important. I've realized that so many of our values as human beings are rooted in hyperreality that doesn't have any real grounds beyond us believing them.
I feel like I've touched a cold spot facing away from the sun on some faraway planet. In a scary kind of way, I think I've hit a realization that has disconnected me from certain things I've known since I was a child.
I need to be my own anchor, now. Nothing else is real enough to hold on to.
I've had these episodes where I depersonalize since I was very young. Nine, maybe?
Readings on Gnosticism, the concept of self, that kind of thing. Also, this kind of. Weird, reptilian feeling during social interaction? My skin doesn't feel right on me, I guess. That part probably has something to do with Autism.
He probably watched one of those videos about the scale of the universe
It's okay OP, you would kill yourself if you genuinely felt that derealized. If you don't even for purely instinctual reasons then you have something to live for
I haven't on premises on instinct.
This isn't a normie "oh shit the universe is big" deal. It's not even about space. It's about the fact that the experience of living that we get so focused on and entrenched in is a really, really minute piece of reality, and we barely scrape the surface of perception during that experience even with our five senses.
I want to understand why meat that can think and realize that it is meaningless exists before I die, self-inflicted or not.
You're becoming aware of your own AT Field senpai
Well I understand exactly what you're talking about because it was a major plot element in Neon Genesis Evangelion.
From the EvaWiki:
>every living thing possesses an A.T. Field: Angels and Evangelions just have A.T. Fields so strong that they are physically manifest. A.T. Fields which regular humans generate hold individual beings' egos together, separating individuals.
>In the climax of The End of Evangelion, the Rei/Adam/Lilith hyper-being generates ... a massive "Anti A.T. Field" which neutralizes all A.T. Fields across the world, causing all of humanity to revert into the primordial soup of LCL, merging into a single super-organism in the climax of the Human Instrumentality Project.
There's really only a thin "barrier" separating ourselves from everything besides ourselves, in the grand scheme of things. That's a very simplistic explanation of what you're describing, if I'm understand what you're saying.
I do this on a daily basis but lack the vocabulary admittedly too put in to paper as you did, funny thing is I do it when I feel insulted about things. It almost makes the anger or whatever aswell as the offender lose all meaning and allows me too feel happy.