>>25590999 Many many times. I've put a pistol in my mouth like 50 times. Would self mutilate all day. Few times I cut over 700 times all over my body. Id drink endlessly hoping to OD. Id be reckless and do stupid risky shit like fuck a marine's wife Id constantly think about swerving my car into traffic. My teenage years were really bad.
>>25591928 Feeling guilty about killing myself when I had like 3 people that cared for me. They all betrayed me but at the time their suffering stopped me. I've gotten better once I dumped testosterone and got on estrogen. T was incredibly wrong in my body and made me psychotic and neurotic. Estrogen just feels right. Im happy and calm and extremely loving now. I still struggle with other mental illnesses and ptsd from my life experiences. I still cry pretty much everyday but its not so uncontrolled. It hurts more and easier with estrogen, but its not completely filed with hate and endless pain and no hope. I guys the main thing that kept me going was thinking about one day having a husband who loved me and I could be his soul mate and he needed me even if I hadn't found him yet.
>>25592064 Psyches usually count an act of self mutilation as an attempt because its very easy to accidentally go too far or slash your throat out. Gun is usually treated as the most serious. In the psych ward all these things are treated the same. You're all grouped together. If anything any attempt by a male is more serious because they usually go by gunshot. Girls make more attempts but with less successful methods.
>>25593147 I didn't do it very well. I should've put my head/neck on the track but instead I had my abdomen on it. I was waiting 20 minutes for a train because I was on a rural line and walked out a fair way away from any stations so it would be going fast. As it got closer I just sort of threw myself onto the track without thinking about where to get hit.
Got pierced, a few bruised organs and a big hole in the muscle and skin but there's no vitals around there so I was okay.
>>25593149 At the time I felt ashamed. I had to pull myself off the spike and out from under the train while bleeding everywhere.
The train stopped, people were staring out the windows and I was just sitting in shame on the side of the tracks holding bits of my stomach in place.
Ambulances eventually came, a lot of police cars and stuff too. I got taken in the ambulance to hospital. Couldn't move out of bed or walk for two weeks then eventually got transferred to a psych ward.
Now I feel weird about it. Sometimes I wish it worked and sometimes I wish it never happened.
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