This is the story of how I learned to stop being a robot and love the cherry-bomb.
>only friend in the world (Chad, we'll call him, since he is one) insists I go clubbing with him on Friday
>knows I'm a 'loner', but not what NEET is
>I don't want to go, but he doesn't take no for an answer
>what the fuck, might as well. I've been humiliated before
>day arrives, I decide to put everything I have into it
>clean myself up, dress nice, watch random videos on YouTube to learn to be normie for a day
>one of these suggests I play a character, someone completely different from myself
>basically, the opposite of 'Be yourself!'
>also, go in *knowing* I won't get laid
>no worries, no hassle
>don't try to avoid embarrassment, commit to being open... in character
>be weird and don't apologize, use it to make other people feel comfortable opening up
>decide to play a flamboyant metrosexual
>going for a cultured, charming sort of vibe
>I'm not well-read, but I've spent enough time on /lit/ to know a few names to drop
>arrive, see Chad with his other friends... it begins
>walk directly toward the group, sweating like a pig
>music is too loud, my feet hurt (they actually did) I wish I were at home frogposting
>stand there awkwardly at first, trying to remember my crammed normie training
>plaster a smile on my face, lean toward Chad and say, "Introduce me." to buy time
>don't really hear their names as they introduce themselves, trying to remember the character I had planned
>one of the guys reaches to shake my hand
>recoil because RRRREEEEEEEEEEE
>no going back. I've committed to that reaction, now I have to make it work for me
>"You do *not* want to shake my hand, dear, I'm sweating like a pig."
>I have no idea why I called him 'dear', but that's part of the character now
>he says something like, "We'll all be sweating tonight, it's cool."
>my left brow starts twitching, so I raise it to cover my nerves
>for some fucking reason I say, "Promises, promises."
>my voice has been breaking this whole time and I sound like the queen of the Cali night-life
>guess my character is a gay af countertenor. Haven't lost my pasta yet, at least
>I hit on this guy for half an hour to develop my persona and build confidence
>Chad was pretty weirded out over that, and warned me that one of the girls there was his gf
>I finally did misplace my linguini trying to apologize to her
>she laughed it off and said it was 'adorable' (I really creeped this guy out, lads)
>I ended up hanging out with her and a few other qt3.14s for the rest of the night
>apparently, as a pudgy homosexual, I'm irresitible to the honeys
>I'm feeling pretty confident at this point, so I make a point of checking out some grill in another group
>it wasn't my intention, but I guess I was negging
>one of the girls in my group (7/10 redhead; kinda bony, but would still bone) pointedly asks if I'm bi
>I freeze up for a few too many seconds, then try to come back suave with, "Only for redheads."
>the girl I had been checking out was blonde, but w/e, it seemed to work
>at this point, I'm starting to think I might actually get some, and don't even feel anxiety anymore
>I make a point of chatting her up, manage to avoid any accidents of Italian cookery
>eventually we're alone, at least from the rest of our group, and she asks if I'm single
>I nearly blew my noodles trying to be cool and said, "If you like, dear."
>this bitch starts telling me about her brother
>apparently, he's 'sweet' but really shy, doesn't get out much
>she goes on to describe a NEET
>she's tells me how cute he is, and winks at me before saying, "...and he's a redhead."
>since I'm so 'outgoing' and 'assertive', she thinks I'd be perfect to draw him out of his shell and get him to do something fun instead of, and I quote, "...browsing the internet all day."
So, /r9k/, I ask you this: which one of you literal faggots am I going on a date with in my quest to lose my v-card in your sister's poon?
you're still a robot you retard, you just came off as a faggot to some girl who thinks her brother is a faggot for being a neet and she wants you to turn him into an outgoing faggot at the least