Hit yourself in the face hard, and break your nose.
When the police show up, you want to be messed up as well. They'll still arrest you, but it will help you make a case that she attacked you, and you defended yourself.
Delete thread, microwave phone, don't talk to cops, get a lawyer. Slam your face into the fridge for good measure so you have a nice healthy bruise. Say she attacked you. But tell your lawyer that not the cops you fucking idiot. Expect to get arrested, that's just what happens on a DV call.
Beat the crap out of yourself, stab yourself a couple of times, and sodomize yourself with a broom. Leave it hanging out of your ass.
If you can make the case that she beat the fuck out of you, stabbed you, and stuck a broom up your ass, the police might not arrest you.
Man up, tell the cops the truth, spend a while in jail thinking about how you abused someone who loved you and put up with your bullshit, plead guilty like you are, attend the classes, pay your fines, learn about what it is that makes you a piece of shit and how you may control it in the future, stay single.
Ive been freebasing for the last 18 hours straight so I was on edge, she came home and were were eating left over Chinese food
I JOKINGLY called her dad a cuck because she told me that her mom was a party girl before they got married
She started literally yelling at me and I got scared and started hitting her
She started flailing around screaming and hitting me back and I had an anxiety attack and eventual just wailed her in the face i guess
Ausfag with experience here.
> you'll get arrested, put in a holding cell
> cops will take thousands of photos of your house and her injuries
> she'll give a statement
> they'll offer you a chance to give one
> you'll get charged with common assault and assault occaisioning actual bodily harm
> the cops will give you their take of events which will try to portray you in the worst possible light
> you will get an ADVO
> they will take your prints and photos of your tattoos and scars
> you will get released on $0 bail, so long as you don't have a record
> you will get a few weeks before your court date to work out what you're going to do
Go sit out the front and wait for them peacefully. Say as little as possible and don't resist.
Dunno if you're not aussie
Kill yourself for hitting your girlfriend. Did she attack you? If she did, the only things that would warrant you punching your gf in the face would be a knife or a gun attack. Otherwise you could easily defend yourself without hurting her, that is if you aren't some kind of low test, pussy ass bitch
I hope you're prepared for a beating in prison OP. The inmates there don't like men who abuse women because it makes you look like a weak bitch. Could've just murdered Chad and get good rep in prison. Just pray that your anus won't get streched.
>get life in prison or even death penalty
>go to jail for a little bit
>possibly get in fights with other inmates
>no longer have clean record
which sounds worse, retard?
Fantastic. Get all your drugs out of sight, NOW.
Do: slam your face into a doorframe
Don't: get blood on said doorframe
DON'T: hit yourself in the face with your fist. Don't bruise your knuckles further.
Do: get a lawyer
Don't: talk to cops
Do: keep your story as vague and simple as possible
Don't: immediately try to blame shit on her. You were both high, someone said something, next thing you know, your face is throbbing and she's on top of you. You don't really remember what happened after that. TELL THIS TO YOUR LAWYER NOT THE COPS.
>Get into countless fights and risk getting limbs dislocated, broken bones, paralyzed etc.
>Get raped in the ass in the shower by Tyrone
>No protection from anyone
>"it's just small time xDD"
Obviously murdering chad is better than being treated like a bitch you delusional cunt.
>Implying you're not some faggot that hasn't come out of the closet yet
Yeah exactly. Get everything out of your pockets before they arrive. Sit down on your front step, keep your hands visible, don't reach for your pockets/waistband. Say yes sir no sir. Let them cuff you and put you in the cruiser. These next few months are gonna be hell but if you're lucky you won't wind up with a felony conviction and that's what we're trying to avoid.
>Implying assault doesnt get you into prison
How much more stupid can you get?
ARE YOU FUCKING AUTISTIC OR WHAT
OP literally made his GF bleed with a punch but not only that but he also initially started it as well
Please go on and tell me how much more you know about the law system when some thing as small as breaking your neighbors gnome counts as 3rd degree mischief, you fucking idiot.
facefucking my sister was the best OC i ever did do