I know you guys aren't my diary, or a self-help group. But I just need to write this down and know somebody read it. I know most of you here are normies nowadays..
It's almost 6AM. I'm slipping into my old delusional habits. I swear, they're fucking watching me again. Somebody, somewhere. I don't even know who. I'm a NEET on disability pension in my country. I know the government is watching to see if I'm really ill. All they do is try drag me into work time and time again. A session here, a session there; evaluation here, evaluation there. It's like they enjoy taunting me. Like they want to drag me in for show and inspect every inch of me. And then they sound fed-up with me, like I should be better now I'm swallowing these pills they throw at me. Life's blurry, anons. And this place is one of my few escapes, whether it becomes normie ridden or not. How do I convince myself they're not keeping me under surveillance? Or if they are, how do I catch them? I've inspected entirety of my room, curtains are closed.. This is all too stressful. I just want to grow my vegetables again and pretend to be a functional human being.
Thank you for at least reading, anon. I feel like I'm constantly on the fence between sanity and insanity and this middle-ground is death. Still unsure how to catch them watching me or how to convince myself they aren't at all.
Embrace your differences and find the strengths in your individuality
You need to find the wiretap they put in your computer and get rid of it. That's how they find everything out. Not only does it record your every keystroke, but it has a delta-wave "microphone" on it that records your thoughts.
I read your thing senpai.
You're just paranoid. You need to remember that whatever you do, people usually don't care about you and your life. They see plenty of other people each day, there's no reason for them to spend any effort on watching you exclusively.
I dunno if that makes you feel better.
Good to have the feedback. My reasoning is, if I feel like they've bugged the tent, I can always buy a new one.. but I can't buy a new room. And if I'm inside a tent it doesn't matter if they're watching my room, because they won't know what I'm doing.. At least until I figure myself out some more.
I'm not allowed to repaint my walls. It's a government subsidized house. Also disability won't give me enough disposable income to set up cameras.
My differences prevent me from integrating into regular society. Which I am quite saddened by, as I'd enjoy doing something with my time. I tried volunteer work for a few months, but it didn't work well.
It's terrible. They're either watching me, or not watching me, or doing both at the same time. And when they do both at the same time it gets to be even more, because I don't know how they do it. I apologise for your paranoia though, I know it isn't a great thing and handicaps many.
Should I get rid of my computer? It's the only thing besides my kindle paperwhite which offers me a distraction. I already cover the camera with some tape. And I threw out my mobile phone before I finished high school. I did a few computer courses when I was younger, do you think I could remove the wiretap manually and do you have any idea where they may have concealed it?
They do care though. It's why they bring me into the sterile little meeting every so often and ask me how I am. Because they want me to go back to work. And they just keep getting more and more disappointed. And I swear they're laughing at me as soon as I turn my back too. Like they'd just want to point and laugh at this abomination who looks so normal but apparently can't work. Like, maybe they think I'm a leach. Maybe I am a leach. I feel bad for using the tax money of hard workers. If I were born any earlier I'd have probably starved and been homeless.
Thank you for your input, anon. I will search every square inch after my nap later. Tent does sound fun, even /comfy/. But I'll see later today whether I utilize it for comfort physically or mentally.
Well if they really were watching you, they wouldn't really have a reason to ask you personally in addition.
If they're keeping you it's because they hope you can return to work, not to taunt you. You don't pay someone just to mock them, it's a waste of money. If you're valuable enough for them to be patient, that's a good thing.
For the laughing, if you're not just imagining things, there's plenty of different explanations. Your meetings must be awkwards for both you and them, so they might need to loosen up by telling some friend a couple of jokes when it's over. It's not necessarily aimed at you.