>ITT: Music related jokes
So uh... I hear animal collective is big on this board. Makes sense because they kinda sound like a collection of animals! heheh
so yeah, have you heard about my crippling loneliness? it's funny because my solitude is due in part to my inability to connect with humans, yet all i crave is affection and companionship. what a hoot!
you ever listen to music and think "what a huge waste of time i could be shoving black dicks in my ass instead"
Ok. So there's a conductor, and he's conducting an orchestra. Everything's going smoothly until on trumpet player accidentally misses a note. The conductor looks at him angrily, until he jumps off his podium and stabs the trumpet player to death in front of everyone. The people nearby restrain him and keep him down until the police come to arrest him. The next day, he is sentenced to death by electric chair and brought to a cell. The executioner walks in and says
"well guy, looks like you really did it. Welp, as per law, we're required to give you one last meal before you sentence you to you death. So what do ya' want?"
"Hmmm... well, before I answer, I'd like to know, how many volts are they going to use?"
"About 10,000 volts."
"If that's the case, then I'd like 50 kg of bananas."
The executioner brought the bananas in and after they were all gone, they moved into the execution room and set everything up. The executioner, standing behind a glass wall along side witnesses, pulled the switch to turn on the electricity. The conductor man tenses up........ but then relaxes, he's fine. Everyone's confused as to what happened, but decide that it's already late (it took the man 5 hours to eat all the bananas) and that it would be better to continue the execution tomorrow.
The next day, a crowd forms around the execution facility and they're all protesting the death sentence, calling it immoral. The executioner ignores it and returns to the room where the conductor slept. The executioner opens it up the door and says:
"Well, it's mandated by law that before we kill a person, we're mandated to give them a last meal, so what would you like this time?"
"Hmmm.... well how many volts are they using this time?"
"Well, if 10,000 volts didn't work, then 100,000 volts would work just fine."
"Well, in that case, this time I'd like 500 kg of bananas."
They bring in the 500 kg and again, it takes a while, but they're eventually all finished and they proceed to the actual execution, this time with more witnesses. The executioner pulls the switch, but again, nothing happens. Once again, they decide to push the execution til tomorrow.
The next day, the crowd is getting very riled up. They're protesting the fact that the death sentence should be one and done and that any further attempts would be murder. The executioner agrees and tells the crowd that they will try one more time and if the man doesn't die, then he'll be set free. The executioner walks into the cell of the conductor and says to him:
"Welp, here's the deal. We're going to try this one more time. If you survive, you'll be set free."
"Sounds great, how many volts are they using this time?"
"Well, 10,000 didn't work, 100,000 didn't work, so obviously, we're going all out with 1,000,000."
"Well, do I get one last meal?"
"Then I'll have 5,000 kg of bananas."
They bring in 5,000 kg of bananas and although theres was alot, the conductor manages to finish it all and they take him to the execution chair, though instead of the traditional room they always took him to, they take him to a large auditorium filled with scientists from around the world, all of which came to witness the marvel of human nature. They set everything up, and the executioner get ready. Everyone is staring intently. The executioner pulls the switch and then...........
nothing happens. And everyone was upset. What just happened? How is it possible? How did this man escape death? The executioner lets out a sigh, tells the audience "shows over" and unstrap the conductor to take him back to his cell to get his stuff. While they're in the cell, the executioner looks puzzled.
"I just don't get it."
"How did you do it? How did you manage to survive? We sent 10,000 volts, 100,000 volts, 1,000,000 god damn volts, and yet you survived. How did you do it? Was it the bananas?"
"No, it's none of that. I'm just a bad conductor."
So a C, an E flat and a G walk into a bar, and the barman says "sorry, I don't serve minors"
If I could extend my arms through the monitor and ring your neck...